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Thoughts

It has taken me a while to get to the point where I feel even close to being able to deal with tough mudder and what happened! This is not a pity party it's an explanation of how the mind can be insanely evil no matter how positive you feel or how proud you are self sabotage and catastrophizing is real and very powerful.

I have struggled the past few weeks with what I see as a huge failure ! 9 miles I only managed 9 miles (what sensible individual thinks like that ?) ! I have felt pathetic and weak (both of wish I know to be irrational but still they sit there telling me about that one mile I didn't do!). It confuses me that I know I achieved something amazing but still I feel like a waste of space and have allowed that voice in my head to start again telling me I'm useless and kidding myself to think that I will achieve anything else kinda like chicken you have peaked stop pretending it's gonna get any better!

How do you make that voice the voice that is so loud and so present be a little quiet so that I can be proud and thankful for what I have achieved! Sub 90 min 10k and 9 miles of tough mudder! That's amazing that's incredible however everytime I say I'm getting back on it I'm gonna stop binging (So back there and so hate it ) and get back out and run I stop at the door turn round and listen to the voice saying your shit who are you kidding ! I want that voice to be quiet I want the shaking feelings to stop I want to get back up and keep going! So I'm thinking I need to just do it ! So tomorrow after work no matter what I'm going out to walk atleast 5k and then on Tuesday I will do the same but run a little or maybe a lot Wednesday is a rest day so I'll colour to keep my mind busy Thursday I will run Friday I will run Saturday I will rest then Sunday if the machine is cool it's boot camp! Wish me luck cause I'm gonna need it it's like starting all over again but failure is not an option!

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I beat the bus

I ran EMF 10k in under epic and I loved every second! Ok so not every second but when it finally sunk in that I actually did it it felt good!

On route to the race I felt terrified so much fear !

I was scared I would let you all down and not beat the bus. I had run the distance but never in the time. I knew that I could do the 5k but the fear the fear of not making it to the finish line in the 90mins! The bus was a big stress but it was brillant that I didn't actually see it at all! Although The Machine did and she took a pic!

I had amazing company for the first 1k The Unicorn was epic and brillant and helped me get up that first never ending hill! Although I was very greatful that all that going up ment that there would be a down hill. Once at the top of the hill The Unicorn was off and I was so happy I however had a wee bit of pain so I took it a bit easier and got my playlist on then got started and man it was nice ! The view was amazing the weather overcast but I was grateful for that. It's been kinda warm in Scotland. The atmosphere was amazing so many amazing people and the place was amazing ! I kept running and running and running it was weird I didn't Geoff much which was nice felt good to actually run alot of it.

I did about 6k myself then The Machine came back for me ! She was helping a lovely lady do a sub 60 minute 10k and she totally did it! So when I was becoming broken and wasn't gonna keep going she appeared and helped me up the second hill and the last 2k!

I crossed the finish line to say I crumbled would be a huge understatement I couldn't do a funny woohoo cross the finish line cause I buckled and burst out crying I was so overwhelmed it was brillant but it was mental. It took me hours to get my head around that I did it that I crossed the finish line and beat the bus! So now all we have to do is make it around tough mudder!

Don't forget all sponsership is appreciated and makes me grateful x

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Mind set

I have been finding it hard to stay in the mindset for success .... I am not planning on failure or drama because there is not need to create any more negative experiences in life. 

My biggest struggle right now is my skin .... I love the weight I have lost and I feel amazing but  right now when I am running I find myself not wanting to get smaller because the feeling and noise of the skin well my belly moving is really off putting. I am going to go shopping for a outfit for EMF next week and I am terrified (to be fair most shopping makes me feel like that) I am scared about the fact that I don’t know what size I am , that I don’t know what the weather is going to be like, the fact that I wobble when I run and need tight clothes and my big bit the need to be covered head to toe and not end up overheating! All that fear added to the evil toe issues! My brain is in overload and its not sure how to tackle this current impasse. I find myself sabotaging myself out of fear of that I am going to feel like when I get smaller and what I am going to look like! 

Need to give credit to the machine who has been getting me out at-least three times a week and making me work hard even when I feel foolish and stupid . Going to admit I had planned to go to parkrun yesterday alone to face my fears but I couldn’t make myself to go and that makes me sad! Going to try again although it wont be next week as I have a funeral to attend and then its EMF. That will be a baptism of fire on the loan running... I say loan running but I wont be alone and I am sure that there will be amazing people there making me go and there may be a Cat in my sights but The Machine will be upfront being the incredible women she is! I normally hate the statement “get over it” but its what I’m going to have to do! 

I want to beat the bus! I want to raise money for my charity and I want to make it to Tough Mudder 2018! I guess I will just need to deal with the skin issues as and when they appear ! Surely you can run in spanx!??? 

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It's 13 days to EMF! To say I am scared would be a huge understatement but I am fighting on. Need to beat the bus 90 minutes for 10k ,the chance to raise money for epilepsy scotland and the chance to feel proud of something I honestly never thought possible ! I am really hoping that I can achieve this and my need to be successful pushing me to the end of this race! Then I get to look forward to tough mudder and running with a team of amazing people!

I am finally back on track with my eating and not letting my sweet or greedy tooth win! My greedy tooth is very very greedy and contiunes to show itself when I am stressed or confused.I am struggling with a I don't want to say I injury but it might be ! When running my right fourth toe hurts like a bitch then it goes numb think it is nerve related hopfully I'll see the doctor Tuesday and a plan will be formed to help the pain .... I will be running the 10k one way or another! There is a real possibility part of it will be like this ....

I want to explain why I am running for Epilepsy Scotland. Epilepsy is a horrible condition that can affect anybody at any stage in their life. It doesn't care how old you are or what your doing it robs so many people of so many moment, opportunities and chances. There are many people who have epilepsy who live life to the full and don't let it stop them and that I find so inspiring. During my career I have had the pleasure of supporting some incredible children who have always astounded me in their outlook and drive to live their lives no matter what I hope that we can raise some money to support them to continue to have all the opportunities they want.

It's time to power on and keep going it's time to focus and not give into the pain it's time to be as strong as all the kids I've cared for.

All donations are greatly appreciated and every little helps ! Let's do something amazing.

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First fully off road 5k run!

Today was a good day ! I ran 5k at the beautiful Kerse

with the Beautiful Machine it was not fast and there where little bits where running was not happening the big hill was not for me to run up yet but this time next year I will conquer. I am all about the baby steps... starting to see that to have results that last you need to take it slowly and instant gratifications is not my friend when it comes to this path ..... buying shoes is now my instant gratification cause do you know what check out my legs

(also my handsome and incredibly supportive husband) my legs look amazing!!! I am all about those legs right now! I tangent .... I’m right good at that! the reason for today's blog ..... I realised that the biggest challenge that I am going to face this year is EMF 10k ..... tough mudder is going to be hard but it will be me and an epic team of like minded people all running together to tackle the obstetrical ...... EMF however is going to be me a road and 10k  yes there will be many other people there running their race and facing their challenges It will also be my first solo race the Machine is running a faster race on this occasion and I am not planning on holding anyone back so this is going to be a huge moment for me and because of this I have decided to fund raise for this and tough mudder seems the right thing to do its a real challenge for me and I am feeling like that 10k and beating the bus will be a massive achievement for my first year of running. Right now I am crossing my fingers that I can get my place for the charity I have chosen and raise some money for a great cause because there is no failure here I am beating the bus and completing this race! 

oh and I went up the stairs of doom and didn't die vomit or injure myself! Winning day all around. 

Also did some good training ! Getting longer! Gonna do this!

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So we ran 6k! 6k! Holy shit never saw that coming!!! Was hard and painful and my 5k was sub 40 so I'm cool with it! Closer to #TM2018 thanks @baileyandyashi

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Hills 😣🤣🙊🙉🙈💪🏃 much hardness but much done! I wanted to curl up at the road side! 😂 @baileyandyashi as always epic coach x

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This one is very late

Sorry for the lack of blogging has been a crazy few weeks. Lots of big changes that have made my road a little bumpy 😂. So what have we been up to ........ there was the snow which gave us more functional fitness !

Gotta say it was hard work but lots of fun. Then I finally made it to 25mins running solid winning .... and then we had

#tartanwarrior #beastmode

Such a brilliant day had so much fun with #belliwarriors and the future of the belli warrior's (they where amazing! ). Thanks to all the supporters and wardens you made our day amazing it was full of laughs and smiles making it all the better. Next year I'll be making it over the big fence!

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I’m Back !

it’s been a while but I am back and what a come back! Today I ran for 5k without stopping. 5 full k with no stopping I have achieved my first running goal! Its taken since August last year but its been met and I could not be happier. 

Feel I should explain a bit about why I have not been around much firstly tumblr has failed me a a few times when I have tried to post but I have also started a new job which I am enjoying so much ........its a new start and it feels epic and I can honestly say without Uncle John, The Machine and the rest of the crew/team I don’t think I would have made it to this point either in relation to my health or where I am at as a person. I can honestly say that I am happy and my mind is not liking this at all! Self Sabotage is hanging over my head but its not winning I will not let that notion to let history repeat itself continue because I have learned from my past and I think that’s a good thing. I’ve always maintained a Leopard can’t change its spots but maybe it can change a few of those spots for the better. 

The next goal EMF 2018 on Saturday the 25th of May ....my first 10k race that's 8 weeks away! OMG 10k in 8 weeks! I will have 90 mins to complete it and my 5k at present is just over 40 minutes to say that I am scared is massively accurate but I feel like I will be able to do it. The training will be ramping up to be EMF ready then its not long to Tough Mudder but hugest challenge but the one I am most excited about. I love the idea of achieving something that I never thought possible in my wildest dreams .......in the event you see me out climbing fences and walls and crawling through trees feel free to ignore me if I fall over its all good learning to fall/land is all part of the training! Oh and just realised that I am the lightest that I have been in years! will be refocusing on eating right but knowing that a wee step off the train is not a bad thing cause you just work harder and the next few weeks are going to be very hard work! 

HUGE SHOUT OUT TO CLARE (AKA THE MACHINE) on her RAM run at the weekend she is as ever amazing, epic and inspirational (I am her recovery run pacer. Its so nice to have purpose in this life!)  

Watch out folks there will be many blogs in the next few weeks and I will be starting my collecting for my charity of choice Epilepsy Scotland for the Tough Mudder. It is a charity close to my heart so here’s hoping we can raise so pennies for them. 

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Accountability

Today is my accountablity day!

Today you all get the pleasure of helping me be accoutbale for what I put in my mouth. When I struggle with my feelings I eat ! Man do I eat. There is big change in my life right now which is amazing and I am thrilled about all the exciting things that are coming. I’m pasionate about making it to tough mudder and not being the heaviest team memeber…..not because being heavy is bad but because I want to be a team memeber who helps. I feel this envy for those who have the confidence to be who they are irrlevant of what other people think or what we perceive other people to think. I have this skill of thinking that I know what people are thinking! Instead of enjoying my run and greeting those I pass kindly (which I always do) in my head they are saying things like “check out the wobble on her” “whos she kidding”. I’m learning slowly that this is not the case 90% of the time. Most of the time people are supportive and kind, yes there are those who troll and judge that is there call. I am not doing this because I’ve been shamed into thinking I am less than another person. I am doing this because I can. I am doing this because mental health is so important and shaming people doesnt help it makes it worse. This negative circle stops because we are people and we deserve to feel. Feeling is good it makes us strong it helps us we need to embrace our feelings.

The point of this blog today is that I am accountable,I can do this. I have a brillant support system in The Machine, my mum brother and husband all those people who stop me and tell me how well I’m doing. Those who got me going at the start (uncle john is a gem of a man) those who sponsered pretty muddy and those who every time I see them (Natalie) say the most beautiful things that make me cry tears of joys(after I leave you I am an ugly crier). Thank you for believing in me. This continues and we are going to achieve what has been planned. It will be all of our achievement but I get the medal 😂😘🏅🏆🏋 Thank you for keeping me going bring on June and tough mudder! 🏃💪❤

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A little honesty

The past few weeks have been hard I have struggled to get back on track. Before Christmas the week before I was admitted to hospital. I honestly thought I was having a heart attack and nan was a scared. Luckily it was not that never been so grateful. I did however still have problems so had an MRI. A very odd experience but thankfully there was nothing sinister. So I got home thankfully and have been slowly getting back in top form. It turns out I have one of those hiatus hernia’ s and it caused my horrific stomach paincaused who knew such a thing could happen.

In January I tried to do park run but I had this pain in my side the machine said we should stop so we did. We have been continuing our gym training twice a week and I’ve bean making sure that I am walking atleast 10000 steps a day. Lastnight we did week three couch to 5k and I didn’t die! It was brilliant it was hard but I did it and there was no pain, well there was pain but the normal kind that we all get while training.

In the event you fancy trying some of our maddnes this is the sets the machine has us doing ….. So we did

3 rounds of 10x deadlifts, squats, lunges, thrusters (all weighted)

Some gluet/hip mobility- side steps with resistance band (RB) RB clams, hip hitches and glut bridges.

Then a Wee bit of HIIT- 20s on, 10s off (3 times) first set alt mountain climbers and single arm alt kettle bell swings, second round … TRX jumping squats and burpees.

Then onto arms- 3 rounds of bench presses, barbell punches, KB presses and dead hangs.

Then a bit of core- press ups, plank, hot hands. Then streeeeeeeeetch!

Hitting all the muscle groups and energy systems. We change it up The Machine has many mega awesome skills love it!

Now I am back on track (trying) focusing on the good stuff and not letting my need to eat win out when I’m struggling which is a struggle it’s hard to find new ways to cope when the old ways are oh so friendly and comforting.

To stay on track I went out and got a weekly planner and have started planning out everyday.

Cleaned out the fridge got myself some new lunch box stuff. And now I am ready to focus on tough mudder and will be making it there and will not be the heaviest there will be not avoiding obstacles!

Here’s to the next 18 weeks got tartan warrior 5k then a 10k then it’s the big day 10 miles! Let’s see what the world’s got in line for me and my team!

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Bit of a not doing so well .....

The past few weeks have not been my finest in this crazy path that is the road to tough mudder! I have not been good at tracking and planning which has resulted in not good choices! So today I got my planner on and did this.....

I have planned my week and included my daughter's birthday dinner last night! Had Wagamama which was a good choice by my 6 year old ended with ice cream and some of my husband's waffles and nutella which was tasty and oddly didn't have massive amounts the notion to eat till I feel ill is starting to get smaller!

Before going for the weekly shop I cleaned my fridge out got it all ready for the next week.....

Very proud that two of my shelves are full of healthy green stuff! The sauces are not mine they are the husband's my picky eating does it allow for them and the cheese is for a lasagne I am making for Saturday family get together. Sometimes you just need to eat whats there!

Tonight I get back on the couch to 5k app and start back on week three so that I can get running again got that 10k in May so need to be ready!

Been keeping active lots of walks and gym sessions with The Machine! And we now swim on a Monday. I don't have the swimming skills of the machine she does fast swimming I do breast stroke badly in the slow bit 😂😂😂. I'm standing by my moving is moving even if it's slow! Speed will come with time!

You guys need to keep me accountable and working hard cause I have given in to my weakness and I've not be focused! Although I should see the positive that I haven't put weight on but I've not lost! Back on track back on game! Bring on tough mudder 2018!

Oh and I can hang for 10 secs and not die!

How pretty is that face 😂😂😂😂😂😂?

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Functional fitness!

The interesting weather has made for lots of functional fitness! Lots of helping get stuff down to the lively horses …..

Horse supplies are heavy! Check out the machines functional gloves! Swim nappies rock! 😂😂….

After a good few days of hard functional fitness we hit Boo’s gym….

Michelle has the skills! Me however those jumping squats killed me but they where done! Not gonna beat me!

But it is trying very hard to beat me! I’m back on tracking my meals and not being foolish and giving into my wishes to eat my emotions and fears!

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Snow challenges!

This week has presented a significant training well running challenge ! We have had a tonne of snow not a upstate New York tonne my American cousins will be shocked that we think this is alot bit we don't get that much snow very often.

So my exercise this week has been interesting I have been giving the vintage Wii a wee work out ....

Got my step and yoga on which was nice and warm. As The Machine had sledging plans ! However they didn't pan out darn that snow !

She needed help so I got myself sorted and off I went to help dig her out. Walked pasted this

Was well glad to be walking and not stuck in that!!!!! I got my hussel on and walked as fast as I could meant to take photos as it was beautiful but I was in a mission to get to this ...

Got my work out on clearing the snow Clare had hit it out the park for a good while but after an hour we got out and got to head home after a short drive to near my house.

Decided that instead of made dash Last night I'd be planning to help out with the horses and be ready 😂. Last night I carried this .....

Hay is oddly heavy! This weighs part of what I have lost! How did I do that? how did I walk about with that attached to my body for so long? I know that say never say never but I'll never go back there never! A year ago I'd have gone to help but I'd have needed a week to recover ! Not this year and never again!

Tonight we are back to the gym gosh the DOM's are hurting from all the crazy work!

Bring it on! Tough mudder I'm coming for you!!!!

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I give you need to go shopping was at work dinner! 😮

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Work day ate my bran flakes ! Had a slip last night back to bad habits cause I'm feelings a little out of control so no punishment today just getting on with new day x

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My inspiration

This is my inspiration!

That's Clare aka The Machine my big cousin and the lady behind all the pictures and training plans ! She is the brains of this operation! She is incredible the above picture is her running Mactuff 2018 she done so good! Like insane amazing good! She is a true athlete!

She has qualified for something that I don't quite understand yet but I will and I know it's impressive and incredible! She's world class !!!! 💪👍🏋🏅🏆

The Machine is amazing she is so driven and takes part in almost any challenge she tells me the ultimate beastmaster is a no go but we have time! 😂

She keeps me going and makes me wanna go further and push past my perceived limitations! This is The Machine after Mactuff 2018 (credit to Mactuff for the pic) this was after she jumped into a quarry that had ice in it!

She's something else such an incredible athlete so proud to be part of her team and can't wait to be in this year's tough mudder pic ...... and then help out with her elite challenge at night x

Let's smash it out the park and be epic!