vidyadawn

[vidyadawn]

Moving to my multi!

For efficiency sake, I am moving Dan Heng to my multi at @inominati !!

Everything will be transferred over (threads, asks) except of course if you choose not to follow me there!

[vidyadawn]

finally finished this dan heng piece + some close ups

[vidyadawn]

HONKAI: STAR RAIL (Version 1.2 "Even Immortality Ends")

If you listen very closely, you can hear Jing Yuan's heart breaking 💔

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Dan heng didn't get healing powers but jing yuan doesn't know that 🤷‍♂️

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[vidyadawn]

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I was so sure that Dan Heng has no tail - I feel like I saw something or someone confirm that, but now I can't find any actual confirmation, only people speculating it because of his reaction to Bailu's question. So I guess.. he does have one? He's just not showing it (or talking about it)? @_@

[vidyadawn]

I suppose this sums up the difference between "arrogant Yingxing" and "prideful Dan Feng" pretty well 🤔

[vidyadawn]

drabble for @celesticlnstcrs

Perhaps he was a fool for thinking it would be less maddening to see all of it instead of endlessly trying to make sense of the fragments in his mind. He'd imagined it differently - like pieces falling into place and the nagging doubt to dissipate and turn into understanding. For sense to finally assert itself into his existence. Instead he got an overwhelming flood of impressions all at once, too much to take in and maintain for one person's brain - but it wasn't given the choice. His head hurts as if he's been staring into the archive screens for three days straight, trying to retain all the information he's been given; his heart aches as if Blade's sword is still stuck in his chest and all he wants to do is sleep. But while his mind is ready to shut down, his body is not tired and he's kept awake by a restlessness that sits in his veins like electricity.

He wants to say something, talk to someone, to scream or run until he reaches something somewhere - and for once he wouldn't be running from his past, because what haunts him resides within himself, wherever he goes. So he goes to the only place that's brought him comfort since this wound was reopened, to the only person who seems to understand and see him for who he is.

But was it free will that brought him here or is it his mind retracing what it lost? For he finds himself standing under a pavilion he now recognizes as familiar, a new-found memory replaying in his mind like it was yesterday. They were standing so close, Dan Feng's hand curled in the General's robe, his grip tight enough to appear desperate, pleading. In the present Dan Heng mirrors the gesture without meaning to, unaware of it until he finds his palm flat against Jing Yuan's armor at his chest. It's solid and cool and tethers him in the moment while the memory still tugs at his mind.

Are you alright?, Jing Yuan asks and Dan Heng doesn't know whether to nod or shake his head, an exasperated sigh coming over his lips. "I am.. confused," he responds, desperation clinging to his words. They were so close, Dan Feng's forehead resting against Jing Yuan's, the distance between them smaller than it had ever been. Dan Heng wasn't there; the memory he recalls is not his and yet the thoughts from then are in his head, and his heart, too, seems to remember, recalls the yearning he felt, the hope and the frustration. They can't do this - he's the High Elder.

..but he is not the High Elder. He doesn't owe anything to anyone, and whether the feelings inside him are his own or not, he no longer wants to resist them.

So where Dan Feng stepped away, eyes averted and his hand swerving out of reach when Jing Yuan tried to hold him back, Dan Heng stays close. He pushes up on the tip of his toes and brings their lips together in a soft searching kiss, his free hand closing around the General's wrist.

And for a few blissful moments the turmoil in his mind falls quiet.

[vidyadawn]

[vidyadawn]

Okay I'm not hallucinating, they do say 饮月君 (yinyue jun) with the 君 (jun) at the end. It's in DH/IL's own voice line. So, "Imbibitor Lunae" would (politely) be "yinyue jun", if you wanted to use the CN title.

[vidyadawn]

Prisoner

[vidyadawn]

The air in here is stale and sickening, just fresh enough to keep a man alive but also making him wish that he wasn't. It smells of death and despair, the walls echoing with memories of hopelessness. Something inside Dan Feng knows that he's not meant to ever see the light of day again or feel the clean waters of his people's home and that same thing wonders if he deserves this fate. Love and an unwillingness to accept death may be what drove him to his actions but it was hubris and a misplaced sense of power that brought about his downfall. It should have succeeded. She should be alive. Instead he disgraced her memory, tore her from a peaceful and honorable death to turn her into an abomination just to be slain by the blade of a friend. And the one loyal and desperate enough to trust his words and vision? No one told him what happened to Yingxing, whether he lived or died or turned into a monster too.

A long life lies behind him, though not as long as it should have been; a life of light and glory, but now all that remains is pain and darkness. He thought he could handle more than this, but the horrors of the Shackling Prison and man's cruelty caught up to him fast. There is nothing but regret in Dan Feng now. Regret about his failure, regret about ever daring such a foolish thing, regret so bitter it runs through his veins like black ichor. The days of sitting together and sharing tea and tales seem so recent. How did it all turn to ash in his hands so quickly, this friendship he thought would outlast the ages awash with blood - blood that sticks to his and Yingxing's hands so much it seeps into their very skin.

He has no strength left to move or struggle against the chains that hold him, the nails that impale him and bind his magic. Five more will follow before he meets his end (if they'll be kind enough to grant it) but they're taking their time to ensure that he survives. To feel them all at once and succumb to blinding pain, perhaps, would be a mercy. His body is bloody and beaten, skin raw where scales were torn off and supple flesh cut deep. The sound of his own screams had kept him awake.

Someone approaches, he notices in a haze. Shuffling footsteps, the creaking of a heavy door. Is it time already for another interrogation, or an onslaught of insults to ensure he understands the severity of his transgression? Not that it's needed. He understands more than they know, he has always understood. He has acted for many reasons, but naïveté was not one of them.

But it's not his tormentors that return. It's the warm soft voice of the only one Dan Feng still wishes to see again before he dies that greets him, the only one who might still look at him with anything other than contempt and revulsion. He can't move his head, too drained of strength, his blurry gaze remains on the ground below and the familiar uniform of the man before him. Jing Yuan speaks of things that cannot be and Dan Feng begins to wonder if he's dreaming. He must be. A dream of his friend, his savior, who extends his hand in friendship even now when he's never been less deserving of it. (Perhaps that is why he dreams of it.) With what strength he has left he manages to lift his head after all, enough to meet his old friend's eyes, his own the dark color of a stormy sea. Dried blood sticks to his lips, its taste like rusty metal spreading on his tongue when he attempts to speak.

"I don't know what she would have wanted," he admits quietly, responding to the voice he's certain to be a figment of his imagination, just like the vision before him. His voice is hoarse from staying silent for so long, his throat so dry it aches. He spoke his last word when disaster struck and hasn't spoken since, unable to voice his own despair and unwilling to grant them the satisfaction of his cooperation. Nothing he can say now will make any change. "Perhaps I never knew." Would she call for his torture and death, wish on him the just punishment for his arrogant deed? Dan Feng's gaze rests on Jing Yuan's face, reading the concern all over it and something he can't decipher, and for a moment he feels something akin to serenity.

"Would you forgive me, if you were really here?" he asks, feverish. "Would you still look at me.. like this?" Moments flash before his inner eye, stolen glances and hidden smiles, lingering touches and longing words. It feels like another lifetime altogether. Strength finally fails him and his head lowers once more, eyes clouding over as they're cast to the ground. He coughs and it shoots searing hot pain through his body. Jing Yuan's hands blur before his eyes and he wonders if they've maintained their gentle touch. How lucky, Dan Feng thinks, that he is visited by this dream instead of the nightmares that plague him day and night (though he's long lost the ability to tell one from the other).

                         ⊹ ࣪ ˖ ―― 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐃 𝐎𝐅 the clock clicking as the seconds passed. Everything happened too quickly, and if he even took a breath, he felt like he would miss something crucial. The battle against 𝐒𝐇𝐔𝐇𝐔 had written out the end of the 𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐇 𝐂𝐋𝐎𝐔𝐃 𝐐𝐔𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐓. One member was lost in the war, and the others were left in shambles, trying to pick up the shattered pieces of what used to be their small family. If only he had paid closer attention, then maybe things wouldn't have turned out the way they did. They were all gone, or at least that's what it seemed like it would be. But 𝐉𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐘𝐔𝐀𝐍 couldn't allow that to happen. He had to save one of them, even if it meant going against all the ideologies he was taught. 

                         ⊹――― 𝐇𝐈𝐒 𝐇𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐒 𝐂𝐋𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐇𝐄𝐃, trembling as he walked past the guards protecting the entrance of 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐂𝐊𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐒𝐎𝐍. The air was stale, and the stench of blood clung to the walls, causing waves of nausea to roll in the pit of his stomach. The stairway winded downward, reducing the amount of natural light the further he went until the steps were only lit up by the faint glow of the lanterns. To think this was also where a native would come to seek out the rest of their days as the mara ate away at their consciousness; it was too cold and lonely of an ending. This place was not meant for the living and conscious, and yet someone he cared for dearly was being held here.

                         ⊹――― 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐍 𝐇𝐄 𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐕𝐄𝐃 at the bottom of the prison, standing in front of the sealed door that gave him more anxiety than he would like to admit. There were guards stationed there, a rarity due to a shift change, but purposely chosen to avoid prying ears. He had heard about what the 𝐓𝐄𝐍 𝐋𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 and 𝐏𝐑𝐄𝐂𝐄𝐏𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐒 have done to 𝐃𝐀𝐍 𝐅𝐄𝐍𝐆 to pry out information through torture and beatings. But he never spoke up, staying silent as a mouse. If he had any say in it, this would be the end of that. He couldn't stand by the dehumanization of someone he knew better than anyone with a heart of gold and was suffering over the loss of 𝐁𝐀𝐈𝐇𝐄𝐍𝐆. With a deep breath, he unlatched the lock and pushed it open the door. What greeted him on the other side made his stomach drop. 

                         ⊹――― 𝐓𝐖𝐈𝐍 𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑 𝐎𝐅 nails embedded in the 𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐇 𝐄𝐋𝐃𝐄𝐑'𝐒 body, suspending him in the air. Blood caked his body, and his body hung low, not even looking up to see who had entered. It made 𝐉𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐘𝐔𝐀𝐍 sick. He shut the door behind him, peeking through the small window to ensure no one was nearby before traveling closer to the one person he could call the apple of his eye. How could he ever dream of going on and turning a blind eye to this? He swallowed the bile in the back of his throat as he spoke with a trembling voice.  

                                 ❝ Oh, 𝐀-𝐅𝐄𝐍𝐆. . . What have they done to you?                                     I'm here to free you. You don't deserve this. Let's                                     leave this place and find solace in the stars. She                                     would have wanted that for us. ❞

𝐏𝐋𝐎𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐃 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐓𝐄𝐑 ;; @vidyadawn

[vidyadawn]

I am now successfully confused as to whether Dan Heng had a botched rebirth (but a rebirth nonetheless) or whether he still is Dan Feng stripped of his memories after all. There are so many hints at the latter hidden in the way people are vague about his story and how they talk to/about him, plus the general subject of him being capable of things without having to learn them (such as Dan Feng's fighting style) or their shared mannerisms.

Until we get a proper answer to this, I'll let both theories fly and just say life mimics art and Dan Heng doesn't know, so I don't either. Maybe he was reborn but because of the Preceptors it didn't go as it should so his tie to Dan Feng is stronger than usual. Maybe he is Dan Feng and his memories are buried so deep that he can't access them and his mind is in denial about his true identity.

The fact remains that Dan Heng agrees to accept responsibility for his past life's actions (to an extent) but that he wishes to have a new life now, to be seen as Dan Heng and to travel with the Express. Since I find both versions interesting, I'm happy to explore (past) dynamics with him gradually remembering more of Dan Feng if that tickles your fancy! :)

[vidyadawn]

@iniziare sent: “You may not be him, Dan Heng, but you bear much of his likeness. Even the way in which you speak reminds us of him.” (from Jingliu)

As much as the appearance he took on when he first left the Xianzhou Luofu is a disguise, by now it feels more like him than the truth that lies beneath it. It may be freeing in many ways to reveal his true self and not have to hold on to the magic that makes him seem like a human, but it comes at a price whenever he does. He already fails to walk free of the burden of his past, every step he takes heavy with the expectations, disappointment and resentment of others, and when he walks the streets of the Luofu a true mirror of his past life, this weight seems to double.

He doesn't like to hear what she has to say and for a brief moment Dan Heng is unable to keep his face from reflecting that. "Be that as it may.." he starts brusquely but then trails off. It's not by any fault or merit of his that he resembles Dan Feng so much and sometimes it irritates him how similar they seem to be for it certainly doesn't help his desire to detach himself from the High Elder. I'm not him, he thinks weakly, but this time refrains from speaking those words out loud, for each time he says them he starts to believe them a little less.

Part of him wants to apologize for what remains unspoken, lingering right there between her words. The urge is there every time someone brings up their resemblance but it is countered by a hurt stubbornness that takes root deep inside the loneliness in Dan Heng's heart. Even if he does feel genuine sympathy for those who loved Dan Feng and lost him to his sins, appeasing their pain would always result in him regretting his current existence, and that he cannot maintain without paying a heavy price.

"If I can ask for anything, I'd ask that you don't make assumptions about me based on someone you once knew. And if you do and I disappoint them, that you do not hold it against me," he says, more calmly. "I may look like him and speak like him and I might make the same mistakes.. but I might not. I'm not-" He pauses and takes a breath. "I'm not trying to be like him, or not to be like him. I don't know him. The person you see in me is no longer there."

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[vidyadawn]

The sinner

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