vincenztantoco

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Declare His Name.

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There is a kind of allure when you think about resilience in the context of being alive - STILL - in Tumblr. It’s like a romantic struggle for a doomed existence that you have to wonder what the why is.

I saw an article on how Tumblr is dying a slow  and painful death. And I think it is. And we are all virtually fading into oblivion with it.

And one has to be amused with the valor of it all.

I am.

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Most of the time, it seems like the universe, or God, is playing a series of cruel tricks just to test you and your convictions. Your pronouncements.

The entirety of who you are.

And it sucks especially when you are conscious and aware of what is right, what should be – how you should be.

You accept the tragedy and take it with defiant and resigned and angry mutterings under your breath.

And then you move forward. Knowing full well that waves will still come.

The cycle goes on.

Merry Christmas.

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I guess we have reached that point in our lives.

Yup. Just that.

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You are craving for a feeling in a season where you can't define a feeling anymore.

Searching for nothing, basically.

In nothingness.

Now, there's your feeling.

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A glass of gin during exercise.

Then some iced coffee.

Then off to bed.

Way to start the morning.

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Imaginary arguments and delusional intellectual conversations are something I await expectantly and dramatically dread.

Makes the quotidian days a little bit profound.

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I am 75% deep into my social media void.

But, I am still alive and kicking in this place.

I dunno. There is really something in BEING in a BEING-LESS space. Maybe this is as close to god-like as I would ever get.

I really believe this is how floating in a galaxy feels like. Yeah, even the loss of breath. Gradually but surely, you just trickle into the profound silence, slowly fading into non-existence.

And then you show up in another blog. If that is still in. But let's see.

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And just like that, I think I finally get it now.

Prior to this, what I wrote down was so simple yet profound in a way that I want it to be. But due to technical errors, it wasn't posted.

And I think the lesson there is connected to the lesson I had wanted to dwell on all along.

We get caught up in fearing all the maelstroms, in our individualistic tendencies, in the tremors in our soul; we get caught up in the disillusioned promise of our own expectations that we almost always fail to actually NOTICE.

If only we can, I dunno, find a niche of happiness in those moments, compartmentalize the whole experience and cherish the facets of it all, in and of themselves. If only we can remove our eyes from seeing the end of the series and actually enjoy the episodes, maybe - just maybe - we can get a glimpse of that which we were aiming at. Or even a feeling of it.

I dunno, it's 3am and most of the time the thoughts borne out of this hour are either true, or just wishful. She doesn't care though. Because right now, it's what she needs.

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It seems like solace, at least for me, can only now be found by writing to nothingness. Into nothingness.

There is always self-doubt and distrust when it comes to being vulnerable, I have discovered. And there are times that you wish things are the way you want them to be. As we all know, the universe is never like that.

And it's okay.

But I guess, with all the topsy-turvy, the maelstroms, the unfathomable internal chaos, is the acceptance, or the necessary acceptance that expectations will remain that way and not everyone will understand and even appreciate the entirety of you.

And it's okay. I guess.

That's what she tells herself before she sleeps.

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On rain and revelations

Ever since the extreme rules of quarantine were lifted, and going out for exercise or semi-leisure became permitted, I took the opportunity and had these daily walks.

Or worship walks as I would eventually call them.

I couldn't find time alone in my home, mainly because we are a big family living in a small space. So a trip outside was warranted.

Yesterday, I was having one of these prayer moments when, as I headed back home, the rain fell. And hard.

The skies had been darkened for quite sometime now and a drizzle had been appearing at irregular intervals but at around 3 or 4 the heavens went all out.

Later on, while relaying this vignette to my girlfriend and a close friend of mine, I said it this way: "Inabutan ako ng storm."

Don't judge me.

But anyway, I had to rush over to the nearest shelter, in front of a closed Black Scoop shop on our street and had to try my best not to get wet since the winds were wild.

So I was there, standing, looking at the angry skies, and then I took notice of the song playing on my earphones.

The downpour was so heavy, the gust was violent, and on my Spotify: "I'm Getting Ready" by Tasha Cobbs Leonard.

"I'm getting ready to see/ something I've never seen."

"God's doing a new thing/ get ready for overflow."

"I'm getting ready/ ready for overflow."

Then the thought came to me: Rains. Blessings. Then I hear the music again.

Bam.

You know that feeling when you really sense that God is showing you, telling you, something? You just know. And for me it doesn't happen the way I want it to but when it does, I know it to be true.

Just like that moment.

Although blessings is a part of my prayer life - and my life in general - it's a facet I haven't really given much priority because I had a different spiritual focus. To be clear, I am not closing my doors on blessing - no way haha. But, I my journey right now is taking my mind off that concern. That need. That prayer.

So when the revelation or reminder dawned on me as the rains continued to pour, I was like.

No way.

Disbelief not because I am surprised it happened but for the reason that I didn't realize that God will tell me something about anything that isn't directly related to my focus.

The focus? Knowing Him. Just that.

And there I was, thinking about rain and its association with blessing.

I prayed fervently, as one does when hit by the Almighty, and opened my heart to whatever God wants to bless me with. Yes, I have my personal concerns. But I wanted Him to move according to what He wants. And not what I want. And that's what I prayed.

Lord, I don't want to limit you with my own definitions. Thank you for reminding me that you are Jehovah Jireh. The provider. From whom all blessings flow. Help me prepare myself, prepare the barnyard, for the overflow, the outpouring, that you have in store for me.

And, just then, I kid you not, for the first time since it started to rain, lightning flashed, thunder crashed.

I am not one to entertain mystical occurances or spiritual coincidences - and to think, I am a Christian - but for some reason, and people might say I am wrong, I know that phenomena was an answer from Him.

You can doubt me. I also doubt it in some ways. Sometimes. But I know in the deepest recesses of my heart that I just had a conversation with God.

***

I had been sitting on this for 24 hours already and I am still trying to dwell on it.

Ever since I woke up this morning, my mind was on this so for my quiet time, I studied on the significance of rain.

I know that it has its cultural implications and symbolism throughout history. Ancient civilizations attributed a lot of spiritual meaning to natural phenomena and rain is one of those.

One of the first topics I saw was that from the Baha'i faith. According to it, rain is the relationship that people have with the truth. Abdu'l Baha said, "The reality of the Divinity is like an endless ocean. Revelation may be likened to the rain. Can you imagine the cessation of rain? Ever on the face of the earth somewhere rain is pouring down."

That was one quotes that made sense to me and something I think I can relate to MY faith. So I then veered to the primary source, the Word.

In the Old Testament, there have been a lot of scriptures about rain or referencing rain when it comes to God's pronouncements and all that. And apparently, according to one site dedicated to Israel's history and culture, there is an amazing connection as to why Israel as a location was important to the story of the Christian faith.

The Lord directed and established His chosen ones (Israel) in a dry and dusty place where there is no reliable source of water (unlike Egypt's Nile, the Euphrates, etc) so that they have no choice but to look to the skies, rely on the one who can make it rain.

In Psalm 72: 6, which is described as a Psalm of Solomon, Christ, the Righteous King, is being described and it was said: "May he be like rain that falls on the mown grass, like showers that water the earth."

In Hosea 6: 3 - "Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord. His going forth is as certain as the dawn; and He will come to us like the rain."

***

Dwelling on all of this, I relish in the message that I believe God wants me to bite my teeth into.

Just like as in the situation of Israel, the Lord is reminding me that He wants me - us - to depend on Him, not on our own capabilities. Their will be famine in our lives, for sure. Their will be desolation. A story of wilderness. But in those moments, when all of our power has been spent, we must remember to look to the heavens. Look to Him who can make it rain. Look to Him who can cause an outpouring in our lives.

And in the core of that? He wants us to come and talk to Him. To seek Him. He wants us to have a relationship with Him. Him, the God from whom all blessings flow.

I recall that Baha'i saying: "The reality of the Divinity" is like an ocean. "Revelation" can be likened to rain. And maybe, in a sense, it us true. Christ is the living water, our wellspring of joy, the source of a vast ocean of love, grace, mercy. And from Him can we only drink if we want to gain life eternal. Our journey into knowing Him will cause this outburst of blessing and revelation, a holy flood driven by the Spirit.

And we must surrender ourselves to it. To Him. From whom are all things, for whom are all things, and to whom are all things.

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Advanced Theories on Vulnerability and Methods on Acceptance.

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Choke-on-it positivity masked with confusing cynicism.

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There is no current plausible explanation as to why I am writing this now, in what should be my workout time, in this space where nobody even ever reads whatever stream of wordcraft that gushes out of my consciousness.

Though I can settle with the usual "because I want to", I tend to think that there is a latent essence to this. Yes, moments like these are usually what they are at face value, especially if they are borne out of a pretext of sudden creative enlightenment, but without being too mystical or spiritual about it, a driving force, I believe, is vibrating at their core, waiting ever so patiently to be understood, unveiled, and taken out of its cryptic encapsulation.

Or maybe I am just exercising my mind and just spewing out random thoughts and masking their timid, bland, one-dimensional focal points with presumably profound and complex embellishments to shoot for a self-wrought, pretentious standard of intelligence and substance. Such that is worthy of pompous, obnoxious, self-referential popstars and artists that basically control and amusingly influence generational tendencies and habits.

The thing is all of these might be true at the same time in a sort of meta nature that brings gratification to me, albeit a little.

With this realization in mind, my thoughts turn to my original, physical intentions to sound off the godless hours and, hopefully, to introduce me into my monologue ridden dreamscapes that occasionally feature people in my past that I really don't care about that much.

Something to look forward to.

I hope you are dramatically satisfied, you freak.

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earlier that day...

Unaware or not, we are all in that minuscule space, that precipice, where we are constantly bothered by the daunting responsibility of veering away from what shouldn’t be done and the allure of the frowned upon. We are always staring at those options, weighing out what might be more pleasurable for us, or creating some justification as to why we would do it. Yes, in our head, we are already doing that thing we were warned about, that thing we have been told would wreck everything you’ve slowly built. And for what? A momentary sense of satisfaction?

Regardless, we are always there, always faced with that dilemma. 

I was. Just moments ago.

Huh, life.

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When you start hearing documentary-ish bits in your head, providing a monologue for your daily movements, you can either question your sanity or...you know, just enjoy it. It's weird either way.

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shades of

I have long waited to wade in the monochromatic, especially in my social media presence. Which is not much. But you know, you gotta create your own world, imagine your own audience, and pretend that, well, what you say or feel matters.

(the world's a stage, fam)

But yeah, so here we are. Like someone told me a while ago, the world of black and white is fascinating because it is 'focused on emotions'. And I get it. Though I am not a big fan of emotions.

But I get it.

And the bland appeal is something I can live with, and can be the theme of the rest of the year for me, not because I am being emo or gloomy or whatever. It's just about being raw and genuine without the fanfare and the bursts and the loud expressions.

I want us to appreciate us for who we are without all the masks we put on, the roles we play, and the expectations we try so hard to live by and reach.

Plain. Simple. Candid.

You.