violentfagg

[violentfagg]

nothing is fair. I hate everything. I wish I was just born as a guy. I don't understand myself

[violentfagg]

this is so fucking stupid i want to unrealize it bc I can't fucking have it. I start hrt and then what. I'm a fucking freak with a beard and tits. Even if I go all the way what would I tell people. People are gonna know I'm a fucking tran and ill do all of it and no one will even see me correctly anyway

[violentfagg]

I think I want hrt I think I might be a tranny I want to die I want to die I want to die fuck fuck this cannot be happening

[violentfagg]

got referred to a psychiatrist by my therapist and I'm trying very hard to not take it as an insult or humiliation

[violentfagg]

have regressed to the point that thinking abt going to class in an hour makes me shaky and nauseous very awesome

[violentfagg]

having terrible and terrifying thoughts about transitioning. I can just make an appointment and fucking talk abt maybe doing hrt and im scared

[violentfagg]

why does talking to potential dates make me want to kill myself 

[violentfagg]

this blog was a nice idea actually i can feel myself becoming more sane and stable by the minute

[violentfagg]

adding some more to my dating app woes:

labeled myself nonbinary on taimi bc it felt safe and normal to do so. but on bumble the system is weird (you can label yourself as nonbinary but not filter matches) and there’s a lot more straight cis people so i decided to just say women. i figured since im mostly looking for a couple of casual dates that end in hookups it doesn’t matter if they know my friends use they/them for me. but am i in the wrong? am i tricking straight guys and lesbians? i don’t want to be a dick and pull a hey btw im not a woman on some poor straight guy or lesbian bc who knows if they’re cool with nonbinary people but idk. i don’t want to limit my dating pool yknow. maybe im just being selfish.

did see a cute trans guy on the app and considered coming out but then i thought what if hes straight and like hes so far one of the few people i’ve actually been intersted in knowing and i don’t wanna ruin it

[violentfagg]

why do i hate matching with men on those stupid dating apps?

its not totally hate more like slight revulsion and a strong sense of dread 

i’ve been thinking about it and i’m either a lesbian or having spent my entire childhood perceived as ugly i am now very wary of men who express interest, i find it hard to believe and automatically feel anxiety like someone’s gonna pull the rug out from under me and say “sike! why would i be into you? youre gross! this is probably a cruel joke or a catfish!!” but then again the lesbian thing i’ve suspected for a while now. who knows. i like matching with women. 

[violentfagg]

lately:

- slowly but surely relapsing with my ed. ever since I started exercising regularly I've been thinking again about what it felt like to count every calorie and log every minute of exercise and while it was really crappy in the long run, in the beginning it feels great and I miss that

- started crying and feeling depressed every time I try to jack off. last time I felt like this was 3 years ago or so. I hate it its so pathetic

- trying dating apps. Matching with a lot of ppl and that made me happy for about a minute before I realized we need to chat. I don't want to do that.