violet-ultra

[violet-ultra]

diet coke (liar)

how's 23 going? such a young body holding so much anger and frustration with the world. it's funny how some things get better but the feelings stay almost the same I guess we just figured how to control them but they never left. I've gotten so good at ignoring myself i guess that i don't know how to accept anything at all. at least your pretty now, no more crying about being fat and ugly but your love life still sucks. you still don't have friends and your kind of an asshole now but not in a mean deserving way, you just don't let others walk all over you anymore so congrats. no longer doormat you. it's been a while since i shake when I type but you also haven't typed since the last entry. funny enough he finally got another girlfriend now, funny how time works, i can't imagine how younger you would react, lol. i do feel sorry though but not in I'm here to save you but more of a I'm tired for you. we still love anime and we're back into mtg and we have a new house. i still feel the same, I haven't grown up, I'm still sad all the time, I'm still really lonely and I think that's what I hate the most. I feel so pathetic all the time, it's not fair but if I think about it too much I get emotional and we know how that goes. it's okay, just type or write, you haven't done that in so long too. I feel so small. I do love your passion and you always let everything out , we can't do that anymore. see yah.

< i love you now too >

[violet-ultra]

:\

I miss him. That’s all I can think of. I miss you.

[violet-ultra]

i hate you.

i hate you so much. you never appreciate me. you never value me. today is the most important day of my life and you don't care. here i am alone. he would have fucked me but you didn't care to know. so, how will you know now? you never read any other of these entrees, why would you? you don't care. are we really dating ? it always happens huh. i honestly hate you more than my uncle. i wouldn't mind getting rammed again and again by him, atleast he showed more interest than you. damn. that's fucked up. i should've died. i want too still. you don't care. you probably won't cry even when i'm dead, thats okay. damn, i'm really going to try again. whatever i'll be dead. bye.

[violet-ultra]

me very sad :(

haha im crying. i'm getting mood swings? honestly i think it might be my period but it can also be how i feel like my bf doesn't care as much as before and he isn't afraid to loose me because he may or may not be tired of my shit and what a FUCKING surprise that he is. haha i feel dumb dumb. also feeling like a princess to him feels wrong because i feel like he's forcing it and i'm disgusting and don't deserve it. i was doing so good i swear. i was so happy and expressing it just yesterday i said i didn't hate myself now i'm back to wishing to rip my fucking body apart. my mind is a mess and i want to die. i don't understand my brain and i want it to float away and die on it's own. i think crying just helps with showing emotion? i don't even understand crying anymore. omg i might have hit a new point of depression i wonder what this is called or how it will affect me. its been a while since i've thought about killing myself but this time i'm not gonna cry for doing it. i'd cry for not doing it because i'm so tired of crying, like i've never said that before. anyways i feel so sad and i want to curl up and die and i've been sick for the past week? i believe? i thought i got my period, false alarm. i'm waiting for that rush of blood that feels like a bathtub being plugged and the water going down to the drain sensation to occure but with my vagina. i've honestly been wanting to get like in an accident and just have an EXCUSE to me sad and crying to save the embarassment of saying i'm crying because of my thoughts because people believe physical more than mental or emptional... wowww maybe i just need to chop off my hair again or dye it or release a sex tape or do meth. i'm really trynna die huh haha. like i said me very sad = me hope death. i find it strange how i normalize death but in the sense of i want it right now and for myself, like how fucked up do i have to be to write about my emotions and feelings in a blog @ 2:55 am where no one can read or see it, huh. would you look at that. well i'm tired and still sad. i'll write more and talk less bye.

[violet-ultra]

what can i say?

i started to feel pretty again. i started to think he loved me again. i started to imagine our future and all the things we would accomplish together. but no. no no no no i was completely stupid to think for once he actually changed into the better him. he made me think that he was trying now. that he was being honest with me. that i could trust and love him again. but no. i'm the one always changing i'm always the one becoming better for him i'm always the hurt one.

<my hair is growing out so cute>

[violet-ultra]

confusión

i swear to god idk what’s wrong with me. Its like whenever i see him with a little girl it fucking infuriates me because i want to hug him like that and he’s mine. i know it sounds selfish but for fucks sakes he’s my daddy not yours! go find some other boy to do that with leave him alone :( he barely lets me do all theses things and i don’t get to do them too often because i’m so fucking tall and fat as fuck but no your tiny as shit and look cute with him and that’s not fair!! but he doesn’t do anything about it and when i hint at him that i don’t want them doing that and it makes me want to cry because then i don’t feel like his princess at all instead i feel like a pair of fucking tits and ass for his pleasure. NO i will not tolerate him treating me like that, i should be the only girl who he should worry about making them feel like his princess and giving them all the love and stuffies and cuddles and everything not some other little girl. i can’t do anything about it too because then people think i have a jealousy problem but honestly nothing else bothers me except that because time after time i tell him that i want to be treated that way and he’s gotten so much better but i hate how at first he showed it to little girls never to me then began to show it to me but he still does it to them. he knows what i want and what i need and i may sound like a bitch but i’m just defensive about my papash and i only want him for me and no one else because i love him more and i get to kiss him and hug him and he’s mine. ☹️ i don’t like being confused but i want his attention, he gives it to other people and avoids me and it makes me feel so fucking worthless because he doesn’t see me as adorable or as his little girl or anything and that’s all i fucking want for a daddy to love me and respect our relationship and to understand that if i’m his little princess he shouldn’t be making other girls feel like princesses too or they shouldn’t fucking lay on his dick and hug him like if he was a damn teddy bear because he’s my fucking teddy bear and i get to hug and kiss him and it makes me so fucking angry and it makes me want to cry because i can't yell it to him in his face because i’m scared if i’ll hurt his feelings and then he won’t love me completely at all and he’s my only daddy and i love him very much and i’m crying fuck me im an idiot who’s fucking stupid and a piece of worthless shit who deserves to fucking die.

< fall is here>

[violet-ultra]

awkward

okay so i don’t know why but i always feel so awkward when he gives other people or animals the affection i want. I don’t understand why he can’t give me the same affection even though i explain it to him and try to give him examples, i try to make it easy for him to love me but i just don’t feel like it’s enough. At first i think i feel jealous but i realize its not jealousy it’s disappointment and me feeling confused as fuck. Also i feel like shit because that’s all i want and i see him capable of giving me the affection i want but no i still don’t get it. That’s why i get awkward and disappointed because i see him due it to other people or things but never with me and it makes me feel so fucking worthless because i want to be seen as the best thing in the world i want to know what its like to be someone’s favorite thing in the world and i know damn well that i’m not his. That’s why i say that i’m not loved or appreciated as much as i should be… I just want to feel needed and i want to feel like the little princess that i am but no one makes me feel special at all. At times there are sparks of me feeling special but as quickly as it comes the longer its gone for. I just hate it so much because i know i’m capable of being loved and appreciated so much fucking more by someone else but because i haven’t found that someone i’m stuck on him. I need to realize that there is someone who will love me exactly how i want to be loved and i shouldn’t have to tell them how or show them it should be a natural thing. Now i don’t feel as awkward, i feel frustrated. Why can’t he just love me how i want to be loved and why does he get more excited with other things than me why does he act more careful with other things why doesn’t he act more soft with me why can’t i just have someone who really cares why doesn’t he treat me like his princess he does that shit so easily with other fucking things but no he says he fucking loves me but i still fucking hate him at times and this isn’t fair. Frustration leads to crying and that’s exactly how i feel and what i’m doing i’m crying because i’m sick of it i’m sick of all his bullshit. He’s so sweet to her and he holds her fingers with gentle care and he talks to her as if she was the most delicate thing in the world and the way he smiles at her and makes her feel happy and holds her and so many other things. Fuck i hate him and how stupid he is and i hate how he never pays attention to what i want and he doesn’t do those things with me. I just idk i don't want to be with him anymore. << my pink hair is supaa cute >>

[violet-ultra]

empty

we're taking a break for a week. this time it hurts because i know i won't have you do you feel the same? my head hurts my nose is clogged my eyes are red and swollen and i can feel my heart pounding my lips are dry and my cheeks burn. is this how love thats dieing feels like because if so god it hurts. i thought being burned alive would be the worst pain but fuck i was wrong. i know we just stopped talking but now that i find myself in loneliness i'm scared not to have you. i'm cold now. i can feel the goosebumps rising up my skin all over my back my arms my legs too but they feel numb. i can't feel my face i don't want to. my head feels like a bunch of tsunamis hitting every corner pounding trying to get out trying to release all this tension all this pain guilt stupidity every single thing i've felt in my life but wait it's calm now its not you it's me. « pink suites me »

[violet-ultra]

Yellow

don't get mad me for having an opinion. fuck man for once can we be calm. now i'm really considering leaving you. bullshit aside i'm irritated by you. well lets see what happens. « my lips are cute »

[violet-ultra]

idiot

i regret it so much. i want him back. i'm stupid and i'm going to have him again. i can't let go of him so easily. fuck i love him so much. i'm terrible with words. i hope he knows i love him. i'm so sorry. « sebastian is cute »

[violet-ultra]

yup

stop being a dick. i already hate you even more ugh. i’m fucking clueless. just tell me what’s wrong. fuck i regret this so damn much. this is how i feel right now but i might not feel this later so don’t bring it up and don’t say that i hate you because i feel this right now not all the damn time. god you make me fucking mad like what the fuck did i do to you. i let you fuck me and i try to love you as much as possible. i stopped talking to so many guy friends thats all they were fucking guy friends but no you can’t take that shit fuck you’re so pathetic. i hate you i hate you i hate you at the moment. i’m letting it out because i can’t say it to you then you’ll cry. i will too because it hurts me more but you won’t understand. you’re a little fucking kid and i don’t want to do this anymore but then i do. you’re making it hard for me and you’re not fucking changing. you’re acting like a douchebag and being so fucking mean ugh i want to punch you but i’m not going to. this is why i’m alone all the time. this is why i hate falling in love and caring for someone because they act so stupid and end up being complete idiots who deserve nothing in the world because no one fucking likes you and you’re just an asshole who’s self centered and a big faggot. you make me cry. « nice butt ma »

[violet-ultra]

forever

pain is the absolute worst feeling to exist. it will drown out everything you have inside and out. i don’t want you to die but it will happen. thats what hurts the most. i need you to be with me forever. i don’t want to be alone or without you. i wish i knew how long you would live for just so i can make every single fucking second worth living. when i first read books i couldn’t feel anything, i never found the meaning or felt a connection, i wanted too but i couldn’t. but now that i have you they mean so much more. i understand the pain of losing the one thing you love even though it may sound cheesy i’m afraid to lose you not in the sense of we break up and never talk to each other but as in i can’t ever physically see or touch you or even the slightest bit of knowing you are around. i don’t want you to die anytime soon. i want you to be healthy and okay and i want to always be in your arms and i don’t want to let go and i need you so badly it aches. i want the universe to protect you and keep you safe and alive forever and i want to spend all that time with you but life is limited and i hate it. what will become of me if you do? i don’t want to live in a world where you aren’t with me. i never understood those words until now. i worry and i worry and i worry too much but i can’t shake this feeling that i will lose you one day or you’ll lose me and it won’t be of our intentions. it will be the cruel worlds choice to strip you away from me and end up being a disastrous lonely angry child who merely wants to always have that one special person by their side. i’m too worn out to say anything else and my head is starting to hurt. i cried too hard oh well more medication to ease the growing pain. i will do everything in my will to protect you and keep you for as long as i can i just hope time will keep us together forever. « you are loved by him »

[violet-ultra]

new sheets

how annoying can they get. i'm used to it already. i'm glad i saw him yesterday i was starting to miss him, i noticed he missed me too. this book is killing me even though today is the last day. i want to go out and adventure today somewhere where theres big trees and a bunch of pretty flowers and i need to actually do something this break. i haven't done anything at all except go to family and friend parties. i want to do something fun. we were going to go to san francisco but that cancelled. san fran is my favorite place in the world since i haven't really gone to japan so no argument there. i'm so mad i ordered a hat and they sent me the wrong one and i ordered a pencil and i still haven't got it, i even dreamt about it last night. its eating my mind. i just want my correct packages. i'll try bothering them some more. hopefully that works out good. « my body is getting better »

[violet-ultra]

red paint

feeling a little lonely inside. he obviously likes her and she keeps denying it. he’s a good one though, i like this one. at first it was a good idea now i’m getting tired of this book. he’s at Disneyland and i’m really bored. he must be having fun. what do i do in the mean time? not wanting to go in the living room since it’ll be awkward. possibly paint or write or draw or sleep or eat or watch anime or i’m not sure. i’ll come up with something, i always do. school is starting in a few days i need new supplies for second semester. ooh tomorrow i’m going to Ikea i look forward to it, hoping to get new bed sheets if possible buy a new me. i’m hating my skin. again. school overwhelms me but i feel a lot better going into school again i feel like i’m ready this time. hopefully tomorrow is more exciting. i’m going to start writing one positive thing about myself every time i write or type something « my short hair is pretty »