violetfrostt-blog - Tumblr blog

[violetfrostt-blog]

her eyes were like the ocean

her hands fit perfectly in mine

her smile lit up my world

her lips as sweet as wine

her anger pierced like knives

her cries stung like bees

her nonchalance as cold as winter

her love, like a disease

her words became sparse

her hair between the fingers of another

her feet took her away from me

her absence like a smother

her laugh is what sustained me

her touch is what kept my heart beating

her need for reassurance is what i failed to provide

her longing for attention is what sent her cheating

her disappearance is what’s slowly killing me

her happiness without me is what hurts the most

her mistakes, i should have forgiven

her voice now to me but a ghost

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1:23 am on a school night

he was her only source of oxygen; when he decided to stop pressing his lips against hers, she had no choice but to suffocate.

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What are you supposed to do when you wake up one day and the sun never comes out?

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honestly, when i think about it,

almost feels like you’re not with somebody new.

because whoever that girl’s hanging with...

he definitely isn’t you.

-major changes in minor time

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forbidden hands roam my fragile skin,

rebelling against the “no”s whispered from between my chapped lips.

places that should require a key,

now explored by thieving fingertips.

i stare into his emotionless eyes,

observe his expressionless face.

i try to imagine you with me instead;

force my mind to have you take his place.

as you pierce her small frame, like a bee would into a flower,

do you ever find my name slipping off your tongue?

as you lay in your bed unable to sleep,

does it ever bother you that she’s so young?

insults form in my brain almost constantly;

i tell people that you’ll never be as happy as we were.

i hardly say what’s actually drilling holes into my head though;

how i’ll never be as good as her.

my phone has become a prison cell to me;

keeping me glued to my bed in grief, but also my only form of communication to the outside world.

every time a picture of you two pops up on my screen,

i can’t help but imagine her underneath your body, toes curled.

ever since you left me and took my heart with you,

i’ve been left in a state of brokenness beyond repair.

i eventually started to give away other pieces of my body too;

soon enough you’ll glance my way but there’ll be nothing there.

your love was like the clouds in the sky;

shielding me from the sun’s rays.

then your emotions evaporated one night,

and that bright star set me ablaze.

your presence to me was like the flame of a candle;

bringing light to the darkest parts of my life.

and even though your fire melted wax that burned into my skin,

i held on through all the strife.

some people tell me to try and move on;

others advise to stop searching for someone else and to focus on me.

but what they don’t understand is how much i’ve tried to do both;

how badly i wish i could just nod my head and agree.

i didn’t ask for this heartbreak to happen,

i wasn’t “looking” to fall in love.

i just wanted to peak in at the ocean’s depth,

but then my emotions came up behind me and gave me a shove.

now here i remain,

drowning in his beautiful blues eyes without his arms wrapped around my body to keep me afloat.

if i don’t figure out how to escape the past soon,

water will have filled up my breathless throat.

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as i stare at my blank phone screen, precious time ticking by as the night bleeds further into morning, i am at a loss at where to begin. my therapist told me that writing poetry would be therapeutic; that it would help me through what i feel. but what am i supposed to write about when all my emotions have already been spewed countless nights into the toilet seat? what am i supposed to say when my throat is already sore from screaming, begging for somebody to listen, for somebody to help me, be there for me, for you to come back. you see, its almost laughable how this all played out. how one night we were in love; and the next, i was an evil being out to ruin you. at least, thats what you’ve told everyone. psycho, bitch, controlling, insecure, slut. i have lost my identify, only referred to now by vulgar names that tear open my recently scabbed wounds day after day after day. everybody told me to just move on. forget about you. so i tried, hell, i fucking tried. but you couldnt even let me have that sliver of happiness could you? lies, deceit, manipulation, all to ensure that i couldnt have someone new. fuck you.

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the lies you told me were like honey, fed to me on a silver spoon, traveling easily down my sore throat.

i believed everything you told me, no matter how ridiculous, how absurd the words coming out of your mouth became.

everybody around me could see that you were dark; a black hole i was falling into.

but my love for you blinded me, causing my thoughts of you to be nothing but rays of sunshine.

i gave you all i had, and you took greedily from me, even though i was the one who was empty.

now you go around carrying my love, my heart, sharing it with a different girl every night, while i’m glued to my bed, sinking into the idea that i was never good enough, and never will be.

i will never understand how your feelings for me could disappear in a night, and how its possible that its not my fault, no matter how many times you explain it to me.

maybe what people are saying is true; maybe you never truly cared at all.

what really baffles my mind is how you can move on so quickly,

how you can intentionally try to tear me apart, limb by limb.

how you want to see me suffer at your expense.

when your arms wrap around her body, do you compare the feeling of hers to mine?

when your lips connect with someone elses, do you miss the way we used to kiss for hours, some stupid show that we didn’t even like playing in the background, the only other sound in the room but whispered “i love you”s?

as her hands move lower on your body and she makes you feel good, great, maybe even better than i ever did, do you ever find yourself accidentally whispering my name?

or perhaps the thought of me means nothing to you anymore, and i am but a ghost amongst other girls of your past.

this feeling inside of me, the emotions i must endure, it’s almost indescribable.

its as if im drowning in the middle of the sea, and i can see you in the distance, safely aboard a ship with the rest of the world, and i scream and flail and yell, and people may glance my way, but nobody ever does anything to help. because they know, like i do, that my only salvation lies in the hands of the one boy upon the boat who can stare in my direction and still look right through me.

i am stuck in a continuous loop of crying and numbness and puking and not eating or moving.

my stomach hurts not just with the pain of seeing you happy, but with the pain of emptiness as im unable to consume anything without your love to help me digest.

my mother torments me, never ceasing to come into my room and demand i drink some water, plea that i eat something, because dear god if i dont, ill have to be admitted to the hospital. my organs will shut down. fail. i will die.

she says this like its the worst thing that can happen, and thats when i realize that there’s really no one i can talk to who will understand.

because in my mind? hell, in my mind, dying is the only thing i want to achieve.

what would you say, monday at school, when news got around that i was dead?

wrists slit, stomach poisoned, lungs soaked in river water.

i’d like to think that you’d react, falling to your knees, screaming why over and over again until your voice was gone.

but i know deep down it wouldnt happen. that in reality you wouldnt bat an eyelid.

because to you, i am already long dead. and i think that my existence in your mind was all that ever kept me alive.

i am so sorry for everything. its not your fault, or hers, or anyone elses. it will always be mine. not your fault you couldn’t love me, nor was it his, or the guy before that. it will always be on me, for i cannot fashion myself into someone who would ever deserve to be cared about. its okay though. some people just aren’t fit to live in this world. it’ll be okay. it’ll all be over soon, i promise. you won’t ever have to see me again. goodbye, my almost lover.

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i only feel happy when im so overwhelmed with work that im sad.

does that make sense?

id rather be occupied to the brim than so empty that i start to dig my own grave.

so many people around me that i could reach out to too.

who am i kidding; if i held out my hand, most of them would chop it off.

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The wind howls outside of my window,

The only sound piercing the silence that surrounds me.

Although my mouth is harshly sewn up with sadness,

The thoughts in my head crash around like a raging sea.

I don’t know what I did to lose everyone I loved;

I don’t remember the exact moment I realized I was utterly alone.

Just a while ago I used to be out all weekend,

And now all I do is uselessly check my phone.

Tears endlessly fall from my eyes,

Constant depression being worn out to a dull numbness.

Human connection never seems to last long for me;

Heartbreak invading my life in abundance.

There was a time when words hardly ceased to flow out of my pen,

And writing poems came as easy to me as riding a bike.

But considering I’ve felt this way for four years now,

All of these stanzas are beginning to look alike.

“Poor her,

She has bipolar II.”

“She’s a crazy bitch,

And trust me, not an easy screw.”

It doesn’t matter how much I yell,

Doesn’t change anything when I beg them to understand.

I’ll always be too much to handle;

My need for affection in too high of a demand.

All I truly want is for somebody to genuinely care about me;

Not just lies and efforts to get in my pants.

Sometimes the only cure to my ups and downs

Is a little distraction of romance.

Sometimes these poems cause anger in those who read

As they think this is all just a letter of blame.

What they don’t comprehend is that they’re completely wrong;

That in reality I’m the target of aim.

Sometimes my writing is my only friend,

The only one in the world who can grasp how I’m thinking.

I’ll attempt to show what I’ve created to others,

But when I do I usually can see our relationship shrinking.

Please notice me struggling,

See that I’m being buried alive.

I just need a hand to envelope my outreaching one,

And pull me to the surface so that I can survive.

Is physically hurting myself the only way people will start to listen?

Is pushing myself to hospitalization the only way I can make them care?

On second thought, I don’t even think then that anyone would notice,

Reading the obituaries and asking, “Who was Claire?”

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for the first time in my life,

i’m at a loss for words.

no poem to write,

no rhymes to recite.

nothing to clear my head,

no way to get out what i wish i could have said.

i like the way people appreciate my writing

and how it makes them concerned for me.

makes them care

makes me visible.

but it never lasts long,

just like everything else in the world.

as soon as i’m deemed “okay”,

i am left alone.

do i really have to kill myself to be noticed?

must i push myself to hospitalization to have someone say they love me?

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as i gaze at the stars through the window of my somber room,

they don’t seem as bright as they used to be;

back when my wishes upon them were endless,

and my hopes for the future were abundant.

maybe they have stopped shining for me because you’re the answer to my prayers,

and the light you shed on my dark existence outdoes any fire in the sky,

or maybe my sadness has just begun to shield me from their true beauty.

whatever the reason,

i cant help me grateful for the lack of views outside of the glass,

for it forces me to focus on myself and the present.

it is under these dull stars that ive begun to sprout from my roots, stems and leaves and flowers overflowing from my once underground heart.

it is at this time that ive made connections to people, old and new, individuals that i know i can call genuine friends.

it is in this time of loneliness and despair that all anger has left my mind,

and only peaceful waters fill me.

you are my sunshine,

light that seamlessly seems to be able to shine through any dark cloud,

able to warm me up during all blizzards.

you are the symmetrical honeycomb,

perfectly crafted in all ways,

and dripping with sweetness.

you are the laughter to my cries,

the happiness to my depression.

but most important of all,

you are mine, and i wouldnt have it any other way.

1 corinthians 13:13 states, “and now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. but the greatest of these is love.”

even though my faith in myself may be buried deep into the grave of my mistakes,

and my hope for the world gone with the wind of disbelief,

i do know that i still hold onto love. because of you.

now as i gaze at the stars outside of the window of my somber room,

they don’t seem to be as bright as they used to be.

but no longer does it seem to matter,

because i know that the fire in my heart grows stronger every day

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Minutes turn to hours turn to days;

Endless amounts of time confined to the solidarity that is my room.

When I keep asking you to hang out, I'm not being needy.

I'm just lonely.

Engulfed in morbid media,

Speaking of wanting to enter the darkness forever.

When I talk to you about this, I'm not suicidal.

I just wish I wasn't alive.

Bodies intertwined,

You mercilessly beg me for more.

I'm not being green,

I just don't feel like it.

You ignore me for days.

Make excuses for why we can't hang out.

I worry and cry over this, but I'm not being dramatic.

I just wish I knew what was doing wrong.

It's 4 o'clock in the morning,

And instead of my eyes being closed, they are glued to papers holding my words of sorrow.

I'm not an insomniac,

I just choose to stay awake.

My poems seem insane,

They make me look inhumane.

But I'm not crazy,

I'm just suffering with mental illness.

I adore being with him,

It's hard to go a day without seeing his handsome face.

But I'm not just being a stupid teenager;

I am in love.

It's hard to get out of bed,

And I can't seem to socialize at all.

But I am not weak.

In fact, I'm stronger than ever.

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i can't be alone,

not for a single night.

without people around to protect me,

the moon delivers quite a fright.

its in the darkest hours

that my demons come out to play.

and no matter how hard i fight,

sometimes no one's there to listen to me pray.

i am almost always the last choice,

never good enough for anyone.

im only ever chosen

when my pants are undone.

it's not like i dont understand though;

i wouldnt want to be with me either.

i get sick of myself

when im just taking a breather.

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Tick tock

Goes the clock.

Every second

Takes me farther away from you.

-time salts all wounds

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is it bad that i already love you,

and we haven't even been on an official first date?

it's like i knew that we're meant to be,

and you just realized it a bit late.

not a second ticks by throughout the day in which i dont think about you.

you're constantly on my mind.

your beauty is overwhelming:

it's slowly causing me to go blind.

whenever the screen of my phone lights up,

or i hear it let out a little chime,

the only person i want it to be is you,

proving to the world that you're mine.

i am overwhelmed with emotion,

which is new to me because im used to not feeling a thing.

im afraid to express it all,

as i don't know about the trouble it may bring.

even though what you whisper is lovely,

my stomach churns as i picture you doing the same to another girl.

the thought of you with anyone but me

literally makes me want to hurl.

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i knew it wasn't going to last,

how could i be so stupid??

the entire thing was but a dream,

even though it may have felt lucid.

we were ruined before we started,

stolen before we could even be displayed.

now all there is between us is ashes,

our love is all decayed.

you can't seem to look at me,

much less say anything.

i feel like a joker,

with you playing the role of a king.

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don't take me for granted and act like im just a luxury to you when we both know im your only source of oxygen.

kidding yourself