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Medical Doctor. 

My obstetrician-gynecologists was so kinda enough to let me figure things out when I registered her to be my primary delivery doctor. Then again if you don’t ask they wont speak to you about the numerous questions a first time mother has. I do pin that on myself I should have been more open on the idea of asking questions about what my expectations were to follow on this pregnancy.I just assumed every visits she’d tell me but I blanked every time she stated “ Do you have any questions or concerns?” “No,” I would reply. I’ll provide a list I was irritated to find out it was to be under the normal category during the pregnancy that first time moms may potential experience. One that is common I was very great full for not experiencing at all was morning sickness. Never had it and did not exist during my pregnancy. These were all my symptoms I experienced. 

-Shortness of breath

- Vaginal white discharge everyday

-Lower back pain and hip 

- Abdominal Period Cramping 

- Severe headaches 

-Tiredness

- Urinating every chance you swallow your saliva and  anything you had to drink

- Back spasms and back pop

- Dehydration 

-Illnesses ( immune system begins to become delicate)

- Dryness in the vagina 

-  No sex drive ( I was not at anytime ever horny during my pregnancy)

- Night sweats drenched by morning 

- Blurred vision 

- Loss of mind focus  

 I’m certain there are way more a FTM goes through these were all my primary ones I did not enjoy. I do feel that working a full time job during the pregnancy did help in my pregnancy time to go by faster than I had anticipated. Those friends who had already gone through the experience were younger and felt like it dragged. Keep busy and healthy and it helps the time go by faster if your pregnancy is not a delightful one. 

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This blog is based on my train of though and experiences I’ve gone through and continue to live. I will not tell you what is right from wrong as we are all different individuals who have a different sense of what is right and wrong in this world. I hope that my experiences could possibly help those who are lost or can clarify any similar situations that we are encountering. I am not hear to convince you to side with what I believe in as well as deny those who oppose of me. I am opened minded to learn, voice, and experience topics of those who are willing to share. I am a first time mother who’s trying to figure it out, love fashion, and beauty. 

[violetvoss13-blog]

The Abortion.

When I was fourteen I mentally decided I did not want to be a mom in my life time. As a women you have a sense that eventually you want to be a mom in the future, start a family, and continue your unconditional love towards your legacy your child and/or children will continue to pass on. I did not want to continue this path. Fast forward eleven years later. I became pregnant at 25. I was struggling with my priorities, my relationship, and motivation towards my goals that I wanted not only to pursue but to complete and accomplish. Going to the free clinic was my last hope after five pregnancy test that tested positive at home. I prayed it was an error. Before I could certify my pregnancy of proof for my boyfriend of five years I realized I had begun my denial phase. I poured the drops on the test and fifteen seconds later resulted on two parallel lines that confirmed what I was not mentally, physically, and emotionally ready for. Financially I was fucked in the ass hole even though in the back of my mind the father would contribute. All I could think of was to get it out of me. Give me my body back. Give me my life back. Its not killing unless it was not meant to be conceived is all I could think of. I was on birth control and even took plan b on one situation when the father and I slipped up during intercourse. The nurse looked at me and asked me if I was aborting, putting it up for adoption, or keeping the pregnancy. I said nothing and began to apologize out loud. Not to the nurse, father, my sister for being their at the clinic, but to my unborn child. Violet, I’m sorry. 

I was not strong enough to abort. I knew I had to take responsibility for my unborn child. All I could think of is how much I fucked myself into this huge responsibility that I needed to take ownership in.  

When I found out I wanted to abort so bad. I know I was not physically well enough to go through it. Mentally I would hate myself and the father for letting me go through this. Most of all I would not let god forgive me. 

 I was to become a first time mom at twenty six.