virstellae-blog

[virstellae-blog]

hello. this will surprise no-one but carol is now on an indefinite hiatus. i wanted to make some big, emotional statement but the truth is- i’m tired. i’m so very tired. and stressed. school is a constant concern. i only have so much time to roleplay, and i choose to use that time with a small, very closed circle in another fandom.

i want to thank everyone for making my last year or so here a great time. i learnt a lot from everyone, and i look back on my time in this community largely with fondness.

if you wish to contact me, my personal is @jimouthy.

i won’t say this is goodbye. i may come back in the future, i’m definitely not closing the door forever. but right now, carol is quiet. but i am incredibly thankful for the chance to play her that everyone has given me, and for all the connections we made. and i’m sorry it had to peter out like this.

so…for now– love rhys, aka nemo. live long and prosper, my friends.

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anyway! any mutuals want an ask? it’s probably gonna be lyrical too. or feel free to send me one, whatever floats your boat.

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i’m gonna keep everything in my drafts here and try to get stuff done over the next few days.

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hoping to return soon~ just dealing with some chronic tiredness, you know how it is.

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manifests like the cryptid i am

hi i miss everyone i love you someday i will return from the war.

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okay, so, i failed my maths exam that i have to pass to get my degree. but the board has been merciful enough to grant me a retry in 12 days. which means i will be studying my ass off until then so while i’m not going to be silent, i am going to be massively preoccupied.

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kirkcut:

sorry about my….lack of anything. i’m in the middle of a massive depressive episode and it’s making it hard to do anything. i miss everyone and i look forward to when i can write here again. please take care of yourselves.

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i had a moment in the chemists helping my housemate pick up his meds?? there was a dad in line wearing a 'the bank of dad is closed' shirt and he caught me chuckling at his shirt and then he read mine- 'im a lot cooler on the Internet' and he chuckled too and. that made my day??? how do you do fellow dad.

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kinkshames myself.

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breaking news ! her lap makes the best pillow.

         it wouldn’t be honest if carol said she wasn’t expecting it. a habit by now, when it’s late at night and they’re finally winding down- or rather, as close to winding down as wither of them can manage. it’s a comforting habit, really; len got a lap to doze on, and she got hair to toy with as she watched a show before bed.

         her fingers gently raked through his hair, lightly scritching at is scalp and really- she wouldn’t change it for anything.

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empathicstars:

   Anxiety, worry, fear – sticky, disgustingly sweet tasting, grasping on the sides of her throat and the tip of her tongue behind her teeth. Green, grey, black – clogging both her throat and her eyes as she stares at Carol, in front of her.

   Eardrums burst. How serious is this? Is this a forever thing? A momentary thing?

   Nausea pulls strings through her body and to her throat – she ignores them, kneels next to Carol. She speaks as she Signs, as is etiquette – wonders if she will be alright.

   A knock on the air in front of her – yes. She says the word aloud, feels the vibrations against her lips – considers how only one of them can hear that. A gesture, pointed, deliberate, to Carol. “Can you?”

          “i learnt as a child,” she said the words out loud, foregoing signing in favour of gingerly rolling onto her stomach and waiting for the world to stop it’s rock and roll. her hand reached, pressing against her ear and- yes, blood, exactly as she’d suspected.

          a breath and she was onto her knees, focusing on aella’s hands instead of the dizzying sway to everything else. not for the first time in her life, she gave thanks that she didn’t get motion sickness easily.

          “is everyone else okay?”

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empathicstars:

   Better future. Again, that feels subjective – again, it feels as if she is choosing between two paths, each of which she cannot fully see ( perhaps one blocked by trees, the other by clouds rocks ). But she has to make a choice regardless, yes? At some point, it is no longer a philosophical discussion between two friends. At some point, Aella must grow up, stare her choices in the face – make what she believes to be the most educated one, beyond any other’s reasoning. For once, she allows the sigh she feels expanding in her chest to be released – stares at her long, delicate fingers against the table. “I suppose.” Aella doesn’t sound happy, but that does not matter much, does it? Duty over feeling.

          “i won’t lie, aella. doing what can be seen as the good and proper thing to do can...leave a serious amount of wanting,” she gave her own sigh, trying to not linger on the continuing regret of leaving her father’s house standing, instead of burning it to the ground like she’d wanted. “but sometimes...if you can’t do it for yourself, you have to do it for someone or something else. as nice as truly neglecting m- anyone’s emotional and psychological needs, it always hurts someone that doesn’t deserve it.”

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diedsaving:

“life after starfleet?”  his brows are drawn together in thought when he leans back to consider it to some extent. what would he do after starfleet?  when all was SAID��& DONE, assuming he didn’t permanently bite the dust out here, where would he go?  he thought, again depending on how the rest of his career played out, he’d be owed some peace & quiet.  “i GUESS i’ve always just assumed i’d wind back up in iowa.”  an i don’t know in not so many words.  he finds her hand & traces her knuckles with his fingers. “why?”

          “i don’t kn--” but she has to pause because no, that’s a lie; a part of her already knows what she’s trying to do. but whether or not she wants to admit it- that’s a different story. for a moment, she takes comfort in the simple feeling of his fingers against hers, ignoring the pressing voice wondering, in this hypothetical AFTER, will it be an after as a them?

          a thought, an emotion, she has to shy away from. foolish sentimentality. how he brought it out in her, she wasn’t sure.

          carol lifted their hands, pressing her lips to his fingers for a moment, gathering her words.“i’m...trying to get used to the concept that there...is an after. that this railroad i’ve been on for as long as i remember does have an end and that...i don’t know, jim. i’m thinking about the future, and it scares me a little.”

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fun fact!! if your muse is even remotely psychic/empathic, you can definitely hear carol internally screaming for the 20hrs a day she’s not sleeping.

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i just woke up to kids telling outside and apparently one of them is called destiny and i don't want to be cruel to a child but wow thats a sign i live in a bogan area.

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just so everyone knows i’m not mad.