virtualdragonhumanoidathlet-blog

[virtualdragonhumanoidathlet-blog]

Differences

On this day, 03/07/19 I had an epiphany. An AHA moment. I came to a realisation of how different my husband and I are.

It's a sad realisation, one I wish weren't true, but it is. You see, I'm a very spiritual person. By spiritual, I don't mean religion. I mean, I believe in a higher being, who in this case is God, and the connection that I have to Him. My husband has none of that. He knows God, obviously, and prays when the need arises, but has never ever connected with God on a deeper level. I have, several times.

Now, let me take you back a bit. I met my husband 5 years ago, after having been single for almost two years. I had decided then that I was ready for a relationship, and even spoke it into existence. (Yes, it works). I remember that day very clearly. I was invited to a wedding of a friend's sister, and I hadn't had a reason to dress up in a long time, so I decided I'd do the things. I wore a blue little dress, red heels, and got all dolled up. While I was doing my makeup, I remember speaking these words out loud, "today is the day I meet my husband". And just like that, I forgot about that. Long story short, I met my husband that day.

Our romance was epic. Ok, maybe epic is the wrong word. It was... interesting. You see, we're from totally different worlds. I'm what they called 'model c' back then, and he was a rural Xhosa man at heart. It took a lot of adjusting, learning new things, and being receptive, for us to get to the alter. But we were in love. He loved me, that much I knew.

Now, I digress. I was meant to be speaking about my 'difference' realisation. I know what you're thinking, we were different from the onset, so what's has changed?

I changed. I slowly started changing when I met him, you accommodate him so I don't look too 'larny'. I changed how I spoke, how I thought, forgot about my relationship with God, downplayed my intelligence, just to please him. You're thinking, gurl the desperation!

I wasn't. Desperate, that is. I was in love. I wanted to make him happy at all costs, literally. And you know how they say never change yourself to please someone else? They were right. I felt myself slowly slipping away from me, and I let it happen. I was happy, I was in love, what could go wrong? Well, I'm currently on the bring of losing my identity, and that's when the realisation happened.

I'm currently trying to go back to being me. Find my core. Ground myself. In this process, I find that we're moving further and further apart. I'm no longer enjoying (or pretending to enjoy) the things that we enjoyed together. I'm reading spiritual books, listening to motivational podcasts, trying to reach my higher self. And he's still the same person who comes home from work and watches tv till 11pm.

So getting back to tonight. There's a podcast I started listening to on my drive home, then stopped coz I thought he'd also find it interesting. So when we got into bed, I mentioned the podcast and didn't even receive a head nod, let alone a grunt, to show even the tiniest amount of interest. I eventually asked if he wasn't interested, to which he responded by saying he doesn't need say anything to show he's interested. HAHAHA. Anyway, I played it, against my better judgement coz I'd already gauged the situation. Did this man not fall sleep 10 minutes into it?

That's when I got my AHA moment.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk.