viva-paikema - Tumblr blog

[viva-paikema]

I cleaned my wrap around porch yesterday. Tidied the shoe pile. Put the umbrellas closer to the door. Cleared my porch work space. And sat down on the couch, watching my kitty-corner neighbors at the Packers house fly a drone around the neighborhood.  The hearts we put up last year are still there. And they’re still beautiful.  Last year, I dealt with a lot of pain at that table, and on that couch.  Yesterday, I felt a bit of hope. Hope that I could spend the next few months at the table creating new and beautiful things. Creating beauty. Hope. Community.  I’ve had one shot, and have one more to go. 

[viva-paikema]

I was internaled for the third time in a year. It is a complete mindblank to work so hard for a job opportunity and lose it to someone down the hall from HR. It’s not nice, and the practice shouldn’t be allowed. Why bother? Why would you get people’s hopes up? Why would you waste the time bringing people in?

I’m tired of people’s platitudes about being a great candidate. It’s never helpful. It’s just a bunch of filler.

[viva-paikema]

I don’t want to be at home anymore.

I honestly can’t wait until my kids go back to school, and I pray they are there as long as possible.

I was wrong about remote work and the isolation opportunities to be left alone, to wear what I want and to largely set my own schedule.

I can do so much better than this. I was the director of a prolific education program, and I am ready to go and do something good for others, something powerful for the community, and something good for myself. I’ve denied myself a lot of opportunity for the sake of false humility. I’ve shorted myself out of a lot of potentially good stuff.

So I probably won’t get to wear my kilt every day. Who cares? I have nights and weekends. I felt pretty happy in my dress clothes the other day because I was going someplace where they wanted me there.

I can do better, and I’m going to, because at this point in my life, this is what I’m feeling called to do.

It won’t be forever.

[viva-paikema]

I’m a return migrant to Tumblr. It’s nice to be back.

When I first got it, I was in my mid-twenties and just got married. Now I have two kids, am closer to 40 than 30, and am feeling the need to go back to online journaling, rather than designing blog entries aimed at specific audiences. This is for me, and it’s unlike anyone else will read this.

I lost my job three months ago to the pandemic, and honestly it was super upsetting because I’d been trying to applying for others. I worked for an abusive troll of a director who based all of their relationships around money and what they could do for them. Imagine being in a field from 18 to 35, and then the world just feels like it shuts down for you. That’s how I’ve felt. It’s a terrible position to be in. The director will likely never be held accountable for their actions.

I realized I wanted to go into community work more than anything, and to serve others. So I’m applying for that type of work. But what I really want to do, more than anything, is to pack it all up, go to seminary and become an ordained priest. There are so many factors working against it right now. But I hope someday I could make it happen.

I don’t have anything else to say right now. I just wanted to share my story.