vnshpsr

[vnshpsr]

Dan terjadi lagi..

-overheard Peterpan’s song-

Whew its been a long time since my last post here.

And again, i came here only when i hit the lowest part of mylife. Apparently the last time i write here wasnt the lowest point of my life, or it actually is but now i revisit that lowest point(?).

Seriously nis, kapan belajarnya sih?????

Long story short, my life’s been really dull, mostly offices drama since march-july 2019. Bener-bener gak betah di kantor, requestioning my life, what would i be if the situation remain the same? I’ve wasted my time being faraway from everyone, yet i didnt get any improvement in my career. Imma failure indeed.

Suddenly ive got chance to go to jakarta for 1.5 months on August. That was the best time of the year, being away from whole drama and recharging my life by meeting my family, old friends and higher chances to meet new people.

On that training, i was reminded again that im worthy, im capable and all i need is to believe in myself more.

Im still capable to meet new people and build new networking, effortlessly without being somebody else. Im just bein me, and they accept me for who i am.

I was reminded again that people who get my jokes do exist, we’re in the same frequencies but not in the same city. People who have similar food taste with me do exist. People who share the same values with me do exist. im relieved...

And there you were.

Among all of people in that room, i didnt even notice you, you were saying this

“Standby loan? Gak ada yg tau kan? ...nobody knows” (he’s referring to Stand by Me - Oasis)

I was the only one who laugh in that room. That’s when i know, we could be a good friend, and you notice me was the only one whos laughing.

Turns out you were really attentive, you remind every things i’ve said i dont even remember it. Among my shitty environment, you make me believe again that people who pay attention to every words i said does exist. Im quite surprised because, yea probably i’ve lived in shitty place for too long where people dont really pay attention to what i’ve said they even surprised if i could remember tiny details of them!

There you are.

You asked me for a dinner, just the two of us for once, twice..

Ive build my fortress for too long, i was still second guessing myself if i could open up my heart again.

But i realized we’d be going nowhere. Im trapped again in this interfaith relationship. Also we came from very very different cultural, never have i ever thought id be in a relationships with you, Al.

And again, God just showing me a better man does exist.

But,

Why.

Why is he a chinese catholic?

Wasnt that enough that my life path had to crossed with a balinese hindu?

Where is moslem guy that would be my imam?????????

And why do they have almost all the things i could imagine about my future husband except our different beliefs?

He urged me to be myself, he didnt want me to be somebody else. He heard all of my laugh, my haluness, even when i cried hes there, he wont hang up the phone because he will make sure that i already calm and ready to sleep, he really loves mapping out all my problems, he even make a sudden call when we were at work, we discuss about our work and share many perspectives. How cant i not love this guy?

Damn you, Al. Why you’re exist in my life if you wouldnt make it till the rest of my lives?

Why you and i had to be so curious about each other, and why did we got so comfortable when we’re around?

Why cant i get that feeling from my past relationship who even asked to marry me?

Why cant i have you, i couldnt bear this pain. It really sickening me to realize that we’re trapped in these interfaith relationship.

Surely, God is showing me again that nobody’s perfect.

And i still cant get you out of my head,

your excitement to meet me,

and how you wouldnt want this come to an end.

The way you hold and kisses my hand while youre driving and you dont want to let me go.

The way you put my hand to your head bcs you want me to give you pats bcs you are actually a cheeky boy inside that big man body.

The way you said “kamu gak mau meluk aku gitu?” while your hands ready to catch me.

The way you said “kamu baik baik aja ya disana”

Then we both exhale heavily bcs the time has come.

Time for me to get out from your life, even i didnt want to, but i had to.

I had to let you go, Al.

Al, i’ve got the worst pang in the middle of the night knowing i cant be with you anymore.

Ive been intoxicating myself, again, im so fucked up, Al.

I can even pray and read the holy book seeking for some peace after i intoxicating myself. I ask god for forgiveness, i really cant bear this and drink again and cry even more.

Im so fucked up.

I wish there is moslem version of you.

You handle me really well to the point im surprised you were exist in this universe.

But, we’re not meant to be together.

Why God? Why?

[vnshpsr]

[vnshpsr]

26 nearly 27 February 2018

I wonder

How the extrovert brain is working

I wonder what's in their mind when they do what they do.

For instance,

How come they easily open up and be nice to stranger widely smile? (Are they faking it? If not, how come they could do it to stranger which insignificantly affect your life and you may not see them again?)

How come they easily talk and talk and talk.......without having time thinking about what they're going to tell (or actually they never think about it? Or are they thinking while talking?). And how come they won't lose their word while talking, meanwhile introverts like me oftenly have so many words in their brain but only few spill out from their lips and mostly lose it

Dan satu lagi

I wonder if they are really pay attention on words you said, do they sincerely want to hear it from you or just faking it as if they care about you just to be recognized by you (while in the following days they're asking or talking THE SAME THING AS IF THEY HAD NEVER ASK OR TALK ABOUT IT. HOW MANY TIME WILL YOU REPEAT THOSE ACTION DEAR EXTROVERTS? Cause for me, if i do care, i'll never forget it and wont ask the same question more than once) as if they only wait for their turns, and to make sure when their time has come, you'll pay the attention they already give. Oh come on, i need a sincere act.

Bcs

Seriously

I'm done with people talking bout weather.

I'm done with girlspack noticing how you dress from hair to toe, what skincare and lipstick shade you use, oily skin or dry skin and how other girls always seems skinnier and how they belittle themselves.

And how the boys hated the fact when they see girls barefaces but they demand the girls for not wearing makeup too much. What a fool they are mistakenly seen no-make-up-make-up as natural face.

As if life is only about faking and covering something.

Why cant we be ourselves and accept everyone as themselves?

Why do we have to compete with each other while we were born differently. ( this is also why i wasnt, and i'm not being the ambitious and competitive one. I dont get the idea of winning something, because when we get the first position, then what? There will be another competition. And what do we get when we become the best of something by beating others down? Pride? Pleasure? Recognition of what? Rubbish. My idea of being the best only when you compare it to yourselves. Yourself is the only one to beat for, to compete for, not other people. We should rise together to be the best of ourselves not by beating others down to become the winner.)

People nowadays really crave for recognition and attention as many as they could.

I still dont get the idea. Maybe not today. Maybe someday i will get it. Or maybe i wont.

Life is so much more than that, at least for me.

And tomorrow is so much work to do while so much seconds i should've asleep but i cant.

An overthinker asking universe to let her sleep. So can i get some sleepy feels please?

[vnshpsr]

#thepersonalquotes

[vnshpsr]

25 February 2018

Dull. Totally in boredom.

I literally need someone who understand me and be here for me.

Like, he only deserve me if his presence is better than my solitude.

Pengen nikah aja. Keliatannya enak. Keliatannya aja sih, gatau deh.

God, please send him sooner. This year. Aamiin.

[vnshpsr]

11th Sept 2017

Hello again, it's me.

Udah lama gak nulis, and yes....

Gue nulis cuma kalo lg at the lowest point of my life, where i am now.

Lagi-lagi gue ngerasain sakitnya dikecewakan, right after mengecewakan orang.

I met someone, when i'm still with him.

I found a villa right when i was thinking whether to live at home for the rest of my life, or find another new home.

But then again, the villa js just a villa, i cant make it to be my forever home because....(this is the most painful thing ever happen to me) of different religion.

The good trait of him is what i've been looking for after i had several relationship and failed. He's the kind of man i wanted to marry. I wish there is a muslim version of him. But i was wrong.

Through our crossing fate line, i learn a lotttttt from him. He's my mirror, we have similar perspective and how our thought works. It's so relieving when you met someone who completely understand how your brain works, isn't it?

And you could imagine how painful it is that someone so precious to me, finally met someone?

This is the worst broken heart that ever happened to me.

But eventually, someday, someday, i'll undersrand why he did it to me. Or maybe i already did?

Maybe because loneliness is killing us and we're separated far away?

But as Dua Lipa song

"do we need somebody,

just to make us feel alright,

is it only reason why you're holding me tonight,

cause we're scared to be lonely?"

Time will tell, it all takes time

It's okay nis

It's okay

Time will heal

You've been through shit like this

And this too shall pass, nisss......

Remember you ever thought, you wont meet someone better than R?

You're wrong, you met your villa.

But the shit is hurting me so much.

Am i denying it all again?

Please nis, stop there.

You deserve kindness in this world.

And believe that my future husband would be so much better than them.

[vnshpsr]

3rd October 2016

Aku ingin memelukmu sekali lagi. Meskipun ku tahu pagi akan datang lagi. Aku ingin menggenggamu sekali lagi. Meskipun ku tahu esok ku kan kembali. Namun, pergi adalah kata terburuk dalam hidup ini. Karena aku ingin kamu tanpa sekali lagi. Makassar 031016 Selamat pagi kamu nya aku... -i just woke up and read this, and realized ldr just begun :(

[vnshpsr]

Now I easily fall asleep, I can't wait to wake up in the next day to see him :)

[vnshpsr]

[vnshpsr]

It’s been a long time since I’ve been me.

Fernando Pessoa (via thequotejournals)

Once I've tried to be me again, and then, I met you. Stay true to yourself does true :)

[vnshpsr]

5th October 2016

Manakala raga tak bisa bersama. Maka rasa yang tercipta diatas segala. Lepaskan saja rindu itu pada keyakinan, bahwa kau dan aku adalah pertemuan selamanya. Tidak sejenak lalu menguap, namun lama dan selalu ada. Tidakkah kita pernah berkata untuk berjumpa kembali. Disaat waktu memberikan kepastian kau dan aku bertemu. Waktu memang selalu berubah,namun cintaku tidak sekedar berubah,dia bertambah. Bukan sekedar deretan angka dalam sebuah buku cerita romantis nostalgia. Ia lebih dari sekedar cerita. Ia adalah makna dalam setiap hembusan nafas dan pergerakan. Bukan kah cinta memang begitu. Ia tidak hanya hadir dan memberikan kebahagian. Namun,ia hadir memberikan warna. Makassar 05.10.16

[vnshpsr]

1st October 2016

(maybe) this is how I supposed to feel To see the lights in someone's eyes whenever he saw me To be grateful for the traffic jam that makes the time longer for me to be by your side To memorize his quick forehead kiss To let go off of his warm embrace on a rainy night To walk so heavy while sending him off back to his city To be patient for our next meeting To be relieved for knowing someone far away there, is also making this things work together, for us To be happy, to be yours❤

[vnshpsr]

[vnshpsr]

26th September 2016

A night conversation with him really blowing up my mind. It's inevitably true that, adulthood is like you've been carefully crossing the street, and then suddenly the plane hits you. We were telling each other about our past relationship and how its ended. And I began to re-questioning myself.. Am I capable enough to be a wife, to be a mother? Am I willing to sacrifice my comfort zone for my family? Am I willing to sacrifice my career over my husband-to-be and my future-family? Have I had enough savings for my future? Am I ready for it all, while now, I'm still struggling to be responsible to my thesis? I don't want to burden somebody else's journey, and vice versa Deep inside, I need a partner to go through all this ups and downs of life But then again, I'm scared I'll be failed again and have to start all over again with somebody new This is my generation issue, Having a life-contempt issue.

[vnshpsr]

[vnshpsr]

*smirk*

[vnshpsr]

22nd of September 2016

I have a mixed feeling on him I saw him in my timeline Path and I was just saying 'i wish i could knew this man'. I was like 'if I we're meant to be to know him, there must be a way for me' I had conversation with my sister randomly asking who's that guy, but I didn't want to make an effort that much And a week later.... A stranger saying hi on my whatsapp I was like 'whoelse is this? I'm tired having conversation with strangers. Why can't I have that one man so that there'll be no strangers anymore texting me :(' But it was him. The man that I saw a week ago on my timeline. And the thrill of chasing begin. But it was more like i'm chasing him. Damn. And finally I decided to ignore his messages, and his name didn't appear anymore on my screen for couple weeks. Okay. Never mind. Life goes on..... But suddenly, out of nowhere, that name pop in my screen again. Damn. What shud I do? :( I was trying to act as cool as I can be. He wasn't that cold again. Our conversation run smoother than before. To be short, we're planning to meet each other. And we did. We did meet in Jakarta. It started with awkward greetings, but somehow I can feel the connection is good between us. But up until this stage, I'm not sure if he's kind just the way he are, or.........you know......because he's with me maybe? I really didn't want to expect him anything that could have been crossing my mind. I was just like, okay, this meeting might gonna be the first and the last, or it might be the first for forever..... But after we're going back to our home, he still texting me, asking me anything (yah you know, that kind of texting when a boy started to approach a girl?). And this haven't been a week since I met him. But I started to hesitate myself. Do I really want him? Or am I stuck in the thought of him? Am I ready to let him in (which I should be ready too to letting him go someday)? Am I overly overthinking? Rasanya pengen ngeluarin semua kekacauan yg ada di pikiran dan badan ini. Rasanya hidup super berantakan dan gak ada yg bener utk saat ini. Rasanya....... Pengen memulai hidup baru dgn circle baru, jauh dr Bandung I missed to wake up, feeling recharge and smiling to face a new day. I missed the happy me :( Mungkin ngerasa gini karena lg males2an sholat gak tepat waktu, kurang bersyukur, kurang sedekah, lupa berterimakasih sama sang pencipta yg maha membolak-balikkan hati ini.