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haven't felt vommy in years little box

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i love you and i miss you but i can’t know you if you won’t know me <3 take good care you are so important!!

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hehe back to vombox can’t stop vomming out my words

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hmmmmmmmmmmm mannnnn

starting to feel like i stand on my own two feet

date with bennett went rlly well in all the ways but the big one! no tension or chemistry in that way but he was fun to walk around the ica with

gna make tortellini for jolyne!! and oh my gpd oh my god!! gna lay in bed and smoke and maybe read queer erotica with kate

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i literally want to kiss you

like actually what th heck

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last night i went to a drag show w my roommate and two kings preformed a Hannibal themed act that involved leashes and a low slow song that my drunk brain didn’t retain I ran into someone i met over pride weekend and we actually remembered to trade info, they saw me thru some people and just pointed and yelled my name even tho we only met once for a few moments in the bathroom Every time my roommate left to pee or get a drink they would drift over with their group and fluidly involve me in the convo like we had known each other

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done with the vombox but this stays the place for wordvom

Starting to get to a place where i can miss you i wish proper healing didn’t take so much time and so much hurt

i wish i knew what to miss ? were you sweet and unintentionally harmful or did you just not care? hard to defend the first when i would tell you how bad you were hurting me and you wouldn’t stop until you wanted to.

selfishly mad that it feels like i had to learn so much from our relationship and you didn’t

selfish hurt that you didn’t tell me you changed your name. don’t know what to call you or think of you as. feels like you don’t want me to think of you

hard to miss

trying

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rip vombox!!! felt so full and known and loved recently

danced and kissed people and never learned their names

spending time with my roomies and growing in myself

feeling more everyday

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haven't felt like vomming in so long

feeling known + loved 

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I feel like i miss too much

feel stupid for missing so much

missing out because I was only focused on you

missingyounow 

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haha do u ever feel so much at once u want to emotionally yak but u can’t without actually yuking so u lol instead

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I feel kinda yakky!

its been 8 months since the last time I spoke w e, like 10 since d, 6 months since b and I have hd a real convo. I think about the time I spent w these people and the space I held for them in my lives and the way things w all of them ended so strangely and without any real words 2 me? last I heard from e he said he still loved me so much, d said they were mad abt something B did nd when I told them b hadnt told me they were doing it and I really just didn't know until it all came out, d stopped answering my texts completely, nvr heard from them again. makes me feel weird and gross how close I got without getting clos. ik what ur spit tastes like but when it came time to have a conversation I realized we knew nothing about each others communication styles/boundaries when upset.

  annivs. always get me thinking! almost June. last June I hd 3 lovely boys. this June I have myself, and no real idea what happened to the boys. will always have love for my lost boys. such a strange summer. strange Summerville.

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i had a dream you were having someone over in the last week before you moved out

i had a dream it was someone i haven’t heard from, someone i miss dearly

i dreamed that i asked you how long you’ve been in contact

i dreamed you said you never lost contact

that i started crying and you and emmett left to go on a date

that i was suddenly at my parents house begging to borrow my sisters car because i didn’t want to be trapped there now i just wanted to get out

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feeling in that way again! like i am doing good but only because i am ignoring the bad.

You have covid and i am helping however i can. that was a no brainer for me and i only caught it when you seemed surprised. My grampy is dying, you know what that means to me. I told you and you didn’t even answer my text.

It is a shitty no brainer. I will continue to do good and spread good because i can. because it makes me feel good. i won’t stop to decide to deserves it because that isn’t up to me. i will spread it to everyone i see and people will spread it back. You do not spread it back. when you leave this house, you’ll leave my life. when we first started dating you said “i’m scared you won’t fight for me if i freak out and do something stupid like break up with you” that was a red flag but i took it as an instruction. i fought you for you. stupid. you never did any fighting for you or for me or for us. you fought but i still don’t know what it was for. i am done fighting. my action is inaction, you’ll go away and i won’t invite you back.

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my head hurts youre fucking someone else in the room next to me in the bed we shared for three years and you never wanted to have sex with me unless i literally begged for it everyone i’ve ever been with has been a touch me not what’s wrong with me why don’t people want me why do they just want me around my head hurts my head hurts i just want to have sex with someone trisha wasn’t who she said she was she looked a lot older than her pictures but i didn’t know what to do i don’t regret it but aaaaa i wish i could connect with someone i like in a long term way i liked haley a lot i loved emmett i thought bailey was meant to be in my life i don’t know how to start over and go into a new relationship my head hurts i’m so lonely i haven’t been hugged in 3 months

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i know my life will get better as soon as you move out and that suck and it hurts and it’s true you’re still actively doing things to hurt me and disregarding it my head hurts

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diary post my pea brain feels like i lost the last piece of my virginity yesterday. not surprised that i don’t feel that different but that i do. she shaved my head before i rode her in the shower and on the bed. the sex was good and i liked how her dick felt inside me. she came once and almost twice, i didn’t come close to coming. i sucked her off a couple times and feel satisfied that i’m good at it and don’t really crave it unless i meet someone who i want to do that for now, not just a wild want. there was one point that i was sort of straddling/hovering and i thought she was getting herself off bc her hand was fumbling down there and she like bumped into my clit a couple times but beyond that was absolutely not touching me and then she asked like “does that feel good?” or something and i realized she was only touching me and i got rlly embarrassed and started giving her a hickey to hide my face in her shoulder. overall not the best or worst sex i’ve ever had and i got wheat i went there for. my head is shaved, i’ve sucked and rode dick and made someone cum. feelin sated