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I just came here because i’ve been feeling too bad lately and found the post that i just reblogged and i feel even worst knowing that i’ve been like this for so long. 

I tried to get an appointment with a professional psicologyst but my phone decided not to work so i’m worst now because of that. So i am going to write here everything i should have said there.

This has been my fucking and precious diary every time i get too bad but for once i want to stop feeling this bad all the time, i want to stop feeling like there is something wrong with me, i want to stop feeling like all i do is bother and annoy everyon around me, i want to stop feeling like i’m worthless. I WANT THIS TO STOP but i don’t know what to do or how to do it.

It has always been easy for me saying everything in english because in spanish i start cursing and it never ends up well.

Lately i’ve been feeling tired and i know that i am annoying being like this sad or mad 24/7 but it bothers me that everyone realizes that i am mad o sad but they never try to figure out why or if there’s something that they’re doing that is affecting me or i don’t know, i don’t want to blame other people because i know thta i am at this point and feeling this shitty because of myself.

I feel that i am always giving 100% of me in everything i do but never get anything that i want back, i know it’s wrong to expect from others the same that you’re giving because that never happens but i just don’t feel appreciated.

Yesterday my boyfriend said something that made feel even worst, he said: “Why should i be sad if i have everything?, i have my family a job and they’re all okay” Well i also have “everything” but i am not happy and believe me i pray and try to be everyday. Right now, my dad does not have a job so we literally have no money, my mom does cakes and things like that and we sell it online, i am working and doing a master because i thought that doing that i’ll get a better job, i’ll be better paid and things we’re going to be better but guess what? Things are worst. Since my mom does not know that much about social media i run instagram and facebook for her so we can sell more but between studying, working and my shitty head, sometimes i just don’t feel like doing eny of that but still i have to do it, i know. I also clean the house because she has rinitis and my dad a my brother are useless in that way, the thing is that when i do not feel good i tend to get rude and they all get mad and start yelling at me and then i feel like shit. I wnat them to understand that i am not a fucking machine, i want to do everything and help everyone but while doing that i am fucking losing myself and feeling like shit. 

Everyone here in my house and outside is like “afraid” of me and that makes me feel like shit you know? when my mom talks to me or is going to ask me a favor se says sorry first and that makes me feel like shit, it’s worst that an insult because i am not that person or i dont see myself like that, so yes i am tired of being considered a bad person, when everything i do literally is do my best for things to go right and be okay all the time.

Today everything is okay in my house but last week i got an anxiety attack because i was mad cleaning the house and making a lot of noise because i felt sick and for 2 FUCKING WEEKS no one even tried to pick up the things they accidentally throw in the floor, and well my mom got mad and started yelling at me, of course i spent 3 hours crying because i was feeling like SHIT, my head hurted like i had a rock instead of brain and i was cleaning because everything was SO MESSY and they still get mad. 

So i don’t know i just feel that at the end it does not matter how many times you do it good or how many times you try to do good, the time you do it wrong or in the moment they do not want to, you are the shit, and i know it’s my family, it’s all that i have but i still can’t stop feeling like shit. I don’t think they care about me or how i feel, they just care about me doing what they want and what they ask me to.

Now there’s my boyfriend, i’ve been fighting a lot with him lately because again i do not feel loved, since this stupid pandemic started i tried to sent him things so he knew i thought about him guess what i got back, NOTHING in 4 months NOTHING, when he started to work he could have come and see me but NO he said it was my time to go because before the pandemic i didn’t go to his house so no, he didn’t come see me in 4 months because “it was my turn” (I have very restrictive parents and since we’re 24/7 in the house i’ve been trying to avoid fights). So 3 weeks ago i decided to go to his house because i saw so many people in the streets and i felt like it was unfair, so i did it and he said “see you next week” and guess what, he didn’t come he only came one day because HIS MOM sent me a yogurt that i have been asking to him for months (He said he’ll only pay attention to my cravings if i was pregnant) everytime i tried to tell him anything about how i feel he said “everyone is having it hard right now” (and i’m sorry if this is selfish) but I DO NOT CARE i am talking for me, for how i feel, not for the resto of the world so he always stopped talking to me and came back the other day like nothing happened, yesterday was our month anniversary and he said “ hope you had a nice day and get to rest” that was all, at first he was the one getting mad about the fact that i didn’t post anything about him on instagram or anywhere, now it’s me, the thing is that the day i told him about that he said “i have to look professional for my job” but of course he posts stupid memes and things like that so i don’t really know how is he expecting me to feel about that.

Today he said he was tired and mad at the fact that i was always feeling like this, but HEY if i feel like this is because something around me is not okay right?

Just needed to vent, i am way more calm now but still sad.

I’m going to start writing more in here.

Thank you if you’re reading, bye.

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oh yes and today i found out that to be emotionally balanced  you have to stop giving a shit about everything and just do nothing and sit around to see everything fall apart. If this is true then let me be this emotionally fucked up forever please.

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Today has been a very hard day i hit myself in my forehead it was just once but still affected me i’ve been trying to stop doing that for so long that i fucks me up knowing that i have no control over myself i seriously think that there’s something wrong with me because i shouldnt get this stressed out over stuipid stuff like i do i explode very easily and after that happens i can barely control myself and yes, i feel like shit because of it but i am tired, my dad has always been very “women’s have to serve mens” way of thinking (it’s shit i know but it is what he and my mom were educated and i have to deal with it now) all of this quarantine shit go me fraking out a little bit everyday because it’s like yes i like to see my house clean and be able to walk in bare feet without feeling shit getting stick, but i dont like doing everything, i dont find it fair, they’e living here too so they must help but that’s me and since it’s their house i have to deal with their fucking stupid way of thinking

I am strongly determined to find a way to get my own apartment once we can get out of this, i know i dont have the money but i have to find a way, i can keep living here, doing things their way and fucking my mental health trying to make everyone else happy.

I am so tired to be honest, i want us all to get the hell out of this situation, i want us all to have a fucking happy and easy life because this is SHIT pure SHIT, and tosay i cant be patient, i cant be calm, i cant fuking stand anything and i want to have a life, i want to have dreams and feel good again but i cant, not today.

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i am going to write my goals here. 1. I am going to stop comparing myself to others 2. I am going to take more care of myself  3. I want to try to focus more in mind and self love than physical looks 4. I want to stop giving a shit, if anyone wants to be with me, this is me, this is me, i am this. i think that’s all for now...

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Today i learned that without sharing it,  without trying i am seeking for everyone’s approval i started dancing and i felt happy,  no i am just trying to do things perfect to do a video and get to be called sexy or beautiful or whatever just because right now i am just not able to see these things in myself i want everyone to tell me nice things because i cant see anything nice in myself right now if i was normal i should be happy, and centered and everything they say you do and get when you workout. but i am not normal  and not even working out everyday  makes me feel good anymore. i am on a point where i dont want to wake up i dont wnat to dance anymore i just want to lay in bed but then i do that and i feel shitty too so....

tbh i dont know what to do with me, my feelings and this fucking head that neve fucking stops.

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I was okay for a while, eveything was going well, i was exercising, i got to live on my own for 6 months, i felt good with myself and how i was doing things. I finished my carreer and everything was okay because i had everything planned.

But you know we are humans, right? we´re vulnerable, we’re always changing and everything around us affect us and makes us change. I got hit by reality. I did not get a job as easy as i thought it would be, and my job it not what i thought it would be, i have learned things and i am getting well paid compared to other people that graduated with me but still, it was not what i thought, not what i dreamed, not what i had in my plans.

So yes, i have a job now i should be happy about it, right?, feel grateful because even with all of this quarantine thing i’m still working, right?, well as you see i am not happy and at some point i do am grateful but i cant just feel complety right because again, this is not what i had in my plans.

I also fell in love, i am in love and to me this guy is the fucking ONE because when i am around him i feel fucking beautiful and capable of everything, i feel like everything will be okay always when i am around him, but when we are apart EVERYTHING is a mess with him or with me, and that makes me doubt a little bit but still when i am calm i think about him and he is still the one for me, over all the stupid arguments and shit. Even when he was not in my plans either  dont feel bothered on including him or chaging them a little bit because of him.

Now i think that i have also made a lot of mistakes, i have been too focused on myself maybe and i literally left everyone else but my bae outside and some times i even left him outside too. I am so focused at times on feeling ok with myself to avoid this feelings that i just was a bad person to people (everyone that knows me thinks i do not have a heart and i am too strong). I feel that i also have let myself go with the flow too much, i got so in to a routine that everything that made me get out of that routine started to make me anxious or mad and i act like shi when i get like that. I have been rude to the people that loves me the most and that makes me feel even more shitty and mad at me for not being fucking able to be a god person, a normal person. I have been hitting myself in my forehead sometimes (so hard that it hurts for 2-3 days) after i talked about it wih my boyfriend and we made a pact of not doing it anymore and doing everything to avoid that i started to pinch my wrists, and me hurting myself that way (because before i used to do it by eating too much or not eating) i decided to get an appointment with a psycologist buuut then all of this shit of COVID-19 started to happen so i had to cancel the appointment, and yes, my parents dont know anything about this.

So here i am, crying over feeling lonely again, because (this is going to be stupid as fuck) my bf got a Playstation yesterday, so he has been playing all day long and leaving me alone with my thoughts has lead me to this shit, because i realized that after him, i literally have no one, i do talk to some friends every once in a while but at the end besides my bf i have no one to be there for me when he’s not. I have no one to talk about my things besides him (you know, sometimes i dont want him to know that i’m this fucked up). But then if i think i decided to be like this, because i do not trust people, most of people that i have trusted have fucking failed me so i stopped trusting and strated closing myself.....

and here’s the fucking result.

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I feel kind of stupid at times for feeling this anxious while i have reasons to be happy i feel kind of stupid for crying over this things while the world is a mess while people is hungry and in pain.

but i can´t handle myself right now i´m sorry for that.

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ok so i think this is something that i have probably been avoiding for a long time.

I didn´t want to come back because i was afraid, i don´t want to read what i have posted here before to be honest and i am afraid of getting back in to all of the anxiety and loneliness that i felt back then.

The fact is that i didn’t need to do any of that to feel like that again...

So  here i am again, full of anxiety every two or three days a week, over different things, but the difference today is that i am feeling anxious for the same reasons i used to... feeling lonely.

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Today i feel like crying, i got this notification from facebook reminding me of this travel i did last year and god how much i wish was still there.

I was so happy and now i am so fucked up, i wish we all could be as happy as i was there, i miss it so much, i love what i am doing now but i miss that feeling, being in love with life, with the world and what is around you. Being amazed by the world is one of the greatest things that could have ever happened to me and i hope that everyone gets to feel that one day. 

Watching around you and being amazed of how long have you come and where you are, being concious of the fcat that you never thought you’ll get there, but you did, you are there and it is fucking beautiful.

Today i feel like crying not because i’m sad but because i am happy to have lived the way i have until now and i feel blessed for being able to meet the places i did last year.

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Creo que hace mas de un año no escribo aquí y mucho menos en español, en este momento lo estoy haciendo por que es una tarea pero prometo hacerlo mas seguido, escribir y ahora dibujar, y leer también son de las cosas que me encantan hacer. Se supone que debo escoger un tema pero esto siempre ha sido mas personal así que creo que les comentare un poco sobre como me encuentro en el momento 

Se que normalmente cuando vengo aquí es para botar todo mi estrés, y si supieran cuanto lo he necesitado últimamente, eso de querer hacer una buena tesis que no se quede solo en tesis me esta matando, estoy llena de trabajos a morir, lo mas triste es que mi vida en general a pasado a un segundo plano, estoy cansada todo el tiempo. Extraño ser una persona normal y me preocupa mucho no llegar a ser capaz de cumplir con mi meta de tesis, de llegar al nivel que esperan de mi, de lograr lo que pensé al momento de escogerla, o de no recibir ningún tipo de reconocimiento.

Hay momentos en los que me pregunto por que soy así? por que no puedo ser como los demás y que no me importen tanto las cosas de la universidad, el reconocimiento, ser alguien, querer sobresalir. Aun no logro descifrar la respuesta, solo se que he dejado de disfrutar muchas cosas de la vida por darle prioridad a esas metas y sueños en cuanto a mi carrera, ahora que lo escribo y se que es una realidad me da un poco de nostalgia, tampoco quiero pasar la vida encerrada en mis estudios, se que hay mucho por ver, mucho por hacer fuera de esto.

Estoy emocionada y asustada por terminar mi carrera, no se que haré cuando termine, ni se si llegue al punto que quiero llegar con mi trabajo, tampoco se si vaya a cambiar mis planes, pero por ahora les cuento que me quiero ir, como ya les dije,  se que hay mucho por ver, mucho por hacer y siento que donde estoy no voy a poder llegar a ver todo eso. Me cuesta pensar de nuevo en irme sola, pero siento que debo hacerlo.

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from weheartit

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i guess im back

i always come here when im habing a hard time with my life, i’ve tried to vent somewhere else but i do not feel the same peace as when i used to do it here. 

since i came back from my exchange semester i have been struggling with being healthy, skinny and doing 545415 things at the same time. i am in my last semester at uni, i am studying german, and since i came back overweight i started to try to lose weight, now i think i have a problem because i am super obssesed over food and working out to the point that some days when i have to much things to do and i cant workout i get in a very bad mood and i literally hate the world and the same happens when i eat “bad” things.

im super mad at myself for the last month, i let myself go and i feel like i cant control myself now, every fucking day i eat something that ruins my “healthy” plan, just because i am super obsessed wiht sugar and food tbh, i find food very enjoyable and i hate not being able to eat whatever i want and still be happy with my body, i want to be happy with myself, i want to feel okay, i want to be confident. 

i see people on the street and i am always wondering why cant i live and be happy just like them, why do i have to be like this?

and i try okay? i try! i breathe and count to 10, i take a rest, and sometimes i dont even force myself to workout when i do not feel like doing it. i try to not get crazy over food, i try to stop once i did it bad but i feel like i cant, or i can but maybe i just dont feel like any of it is worth it. is ti really worth it?

trying to be perfect for what? for who? me? i think i am tired of that

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i want to be that happy again

i want to fall in love with life

wait, i am

i just worry too much about what is going to happen

and that takes my happiness away,

i want it back.

i like being happy and feeling myself

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after more than 2 months 

without any anxiety attack

i had one today

i hate it, i did not miss it at all

i was happy, i traveled for around 5 months

i was happy, i really was,

it was a dreams come true, i saw way too much incredible things, places, food and met incredible people,

i loved it and it would be a pleasure to be able to do that every year,

as long as i live.

Now i’m back home, struggling with all of the weight i gained in these 5 months, feeling like shit watching how people talk about their progress in “week 1″

while i’m on week 3 and still same weight, same fucking measurements

i didn’t feel that fat, or ugly, until everyone around me started saying i was fat.

according to internet, i’m in a healthy weight for my height, but i’m not on a healthy weight for me or anyone around me.

i regret all of the candies, all of the bread, all of the cookies, i know i shouldnt, because at that point i wanted it and i ate it, it felt good, i was anxious, by myself going through all of these new things.

i promise i did my best.