vwsnotface-blog1

[vwsnotface-blog1]

You unblocked me on FB to see a status of mine. And then left me unblocked until today.

Youhad to purposely go look at me to block me again. You purposely unblocked me to read something, and FB has a rule where you have to wait a certain amount of time to block again.

Why are you even looking? You don’t care about me - you only care what I said about YOU. Always about you.

Maybe I’m too high for this. But that hurts me. You keep hurting me.

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Day 1

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390

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389

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388

Toska

"No single word in English renders all the shades of toska. At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody of something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.”

Vladimir Nabokov

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387

My mind is mush. My heart is shattered glass. My body is weak from adrenaline. My stomach won’t hold.

18 hours.

18 hours of silence.

1080 minutes.

64800 seconds.

Silence.

I’m scared. I don’t know what happened. I’ve never seen that.

I saw it when I was 5. I was transported back to my parents living room, trying to understand something, being earnest in my want of love. My dad standing over me inevitably screaming, my brain doesn’t hear English. I just flinch waiting for the sting.

I panicked. My lungs couldn’t hold a breath, couldn’t draw in enough air to tell my brain to stabilize, to think.

I tried to leave. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t move, couldn’t see. I had no medicine with me, or person to tell me I was breathing, to remind me I’m alive, that I can calm down and not have an attack.

And you just left. Left me in a heap, unable to move, breathe, think. In pain. Physically and emotionally.

You left.

I’m scared.

I’m alone.

I don’t want to be alone.

Dont leave me alone.

Jump.

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Now he's moving close,

My heart in my throat.

I won't say a word,

But I think he knows

That I've hardly slept,

Since the night he left.

His body always kept,

Mine inside of it.

Keep the nightmares out,

Give me mouth to mouth.

I can't live without ya,

Take me to your house.

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330

I catch myself almost saying I love you.

The words get choked in my throat and tangled around my tongue.

I know the person that I fell in love with all those years ago is a different person than who I’m in love with now. Life changes people. You’ve been scarred, deeply by love, tragedy, people...

I find myself almost letting it slip. Looking into your eyes, when you’re smiling, when the windows are down, and the engine is loud, when the world is passing by us...

I love you comes so easily to my brain.

[vwsnotface-blog1]

Working on my trauma books today again. Thought it was a good idea, now I wonder. Talk to me Goose.

[vwsnotface-blog1]

Yes, we may be hidden by rags But we've something they'll never have And if the people stare Then the people stare Oh, I really don't know and I really don't care

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Almost 312

Revelations abound during dinner.

I didn’t know a relationship was still on the table, or even a remote possibility.

It scares me to think about it. It scares me to think about losing you again... it just scares me.

I’m afraid you’ll stop talking, that you’ll stop caring. After everything that happened, I knew you’d stop loving me.

Or at least I thought I knew. I feel like I know nothing now.

Laying here, I miss you like crazy. Your cuddles are by far the thing I’ve missed the most. That calm that comes over me, the stillness, how everything feels right.

Loving you is not easy, but comes so naturally.

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311

I made a horrible mistake today. I read back into these posts, and all those feelings care rushing back.

I had a good cry in the bathroom at work for way too long. I’m pretty sure my boss knows what’s up, and was being overly nice to me, even though I’m currently being punished for taking 5 days off.

I need to go do shit, but I feel like I’m going to be stuck on my porch forever now. My limbs are heavy, my heart is heavy, my brain is swimming in despair. The sun is shining to bright, and I feel so dark.

All I can think of is crying in your arms the last time, and then every time I cried alone after that.

I have so many questions. Questions that don’t have answers. Or answers I’m afraid of.

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She only takes care of god’s creatures because she can save them, even when she can’t save herself.

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The saddest part was realizing we could have made it work.

If you were truly in love with me, you would have fought for me. but you didn’t, and that just means I loved you more than you loved me.