vyyysworld-blog

[vyyysworld-blog]

Needs to change

I do not know how to start to this new journey.

I do not know how dark this journey will be and how tiring, draining and lonely. I do not have any words to say, its really hard to be in the place of the unknown.

The journey to the unknown frustrates me, I wanted to know what already what are the things ahead of me, either trials and the triumphs. Maybe this is about my personality, my personality who likes to know everything ahead of time.

Ang hirap maging blinded sa mga biglaan, masyado kong na enjoy ang comfort zone. Kaya ngayon kinukuha na sa akin ang comfort. I have to face the chaos outside this comfort. And it scares me to hell.

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Its been a year

I was shocked to know that its been a year and a half since I last wrote a letter for myself.

I am now a 30 year old lady, who's still striving and grateful all the time.

If I look back for over the years, I may be still struggling but now I can say I handle things with better than before. I may be still felt pressured but still I handle everything and I am proud of myself.

Still a young girl who's afraid of different things but still handles the things and face every fears with the most bravest heart that I can.

I might cry right now looking back, but now in the coming months I might face another struggle in my career, I am still praying that I can do this with the most positive outlook in life. That I'll eventually see the light on this dark tunnel of my career, I have never imagined this will happen to me. I am afraid not for myself but for this family that I am supporting. I am afraid of other factors that might happen that we can no longer sustain our even our daily living.

God I know you always provide for us, and I am always thankful and grateful. Now, I am praying and asking for your grace once again to guide our finances and my career. Working 8-6 is my bread and butter and honestly I do not have any ideas any career or extra passive income that I can do, for me not to worry of our finances.

Lord, help me again, I know you wont leave nor abandon us during my/our trying times as always.

Di ko po kaya Lord, kapag matagal ako na walang work. Ikaw na po bahala sa mga applications and interviews ko.

Nawa po lahat ay align sa plans nyo for me. Help mo rin po na ma absorb ko lahat ng ito. At hindi po mag cause ng too much anxiety and health concerns po sa akin.

Nasa inyo po ang awa at plano. Guide me with understanding heart and mind and still grateful.

[vyyysworld-blog]

Happy Birthday, Self!

Hello Self,

Are you happy with the past few years? Have you learned a lot?

What does it feel like to be in your late 20s? Actually, I don't know either. I still can't seem to figure out what I want. I just realized that my focus is not on myself. It's still in the family, as if I haven't yet had the time to look forward to an achievement for myself, if not to put my brother through school and provide them with their daily needs.

Am I praying? Yes, Of course, I talk to God about everything and my frustrations. I also know that once I just open my mind, heart, and mouth, the Lord already knows what I will breathe and what is on my mind. As an introvert, only God really knows everything about me. All my thoughts, all my feelings, and all my night cries

I want my life to move; it's like I'm stuck somewhere. I'm under pressure because I'm 29, but I still don't feel like I'm progressing. I am supportive of all the people around me; whatever they want to achieve, I help as much as I can. But why does it seem like when it comes to me, I'm having a hard time? Don't I deserve it?

I have a lot of questions. I have accumulated a lot of feelings in nine years.

And now that I'm 29 years old, what am I going to do?

I realized that I would still be focused on getting Utoy to finish and pass the board exam. His achievements are also our family's and my achievements. I will pray that I will be able to overcome all our trials.

The most important thing is that no one will get sick in our family and that everyone will always be safe.

What if I'm struggling financially? What if, whenever my father has work, he doesn't come often if you don't tell him?

The important thing is that you do not abandon us, Lord God. That's the biggest blessing.

What if my only focus is still my family? I will promise myself that after Utoy, I will focus on myself more and more.

Lord God, I know that I have made many mistakes, but I am asking for your help in achieving my goals for myself and for the whole family.

The Whole family is always protected and disease-free.

Utoy's graduation and RYANANGELOVM, REE, who passed the Electrical Engineering Examination, are still supporting his needs while preparing for his exam.

I have savings and indulge myself in good things.

I have enough savings and preparation to enjoy the things I work hard for.

I have been to beautiful places that I dreamed of:

1. Singapore

2. Japan

3. South Korea

4. New Zealand

5. Australia

6. Denmark

7. United States

8. Malta/ Paris

9. Northern Europe

10. Hawaii

* Experiences Snow Christmas

I am going to attend any concert or concerts.

We will have more to grow our livelihood.

I will find the person to spend my life with and build a family with if it is for me. The person who is responsible, kind, rich in material things, and has love to share, Lord God, Haha, I love and fear you, God. Please advise if it's for me too, because I'm always in doubt that I can't get your clear signal. HahaAt the end of the day, I am still proud of myself for what I’ve become.

At the end of the day, I am still proud of myself for what I’ve become.

I am proud of myself for being independent, brave, having a soft heart, and all the things I have overcome. Good Job, self! Keep it up; we have a long way to go, but we've already come this far.<3 

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Here I am, again.

This is not about someone, but my realizations. I don't know how I should feel about everything. I just want to feel like I deserve something for myself. But why does it seem so hard? Why does that seem like a lot of things against me? I feel like I am the last option—not just the last choice but the least choice of all. Don't I deserve to be chosen? I know in myself that I deserve better, but why can't I feel it in myself? I know this is my inner self talking, but don't I have someone to make me feel that I deserve better and that I am better? Who will make me feel that I am the one who is valued? Lord. Is there anything you can give, a man like you that will make me feel like I am a gift to them? Am I hard to love? understand? Am I too strong for them to be pursue?  And I am just to tired, pahinga muna tayo umaasa na may darating pa para sa akin. Ayoko man mag isa at di maranasan ang magkaroon ng family pag tanda like I dreamed to have, pero kung lagi naman ganito, napapagod na ko. Pagod na pagod na po ako. 

[vyyysworld-blog]

Dami ko pa lang heartbreaks dati. Thank you Lord, Im happy na right now. Not perfect but i feel perfectly fine. Looking back Im happy na andito ako ngayon. More guidance heartbreaks to breakthroughs. 💜

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Nakakaiyak ang mamiss ka. Tapos ako hindi mo man lamang naiisip. Sakit bru!

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Hindi ko mapigilan, pero nami-miss kita talaga. Sorry na self. Kaya natin to labanan.

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Asking why again

Again, why Im like this towards you.. mas minamahal kita tuwing nasasaktan ako. Masokista lang? Di ko na alam. Alam ko lang gusto na kita I give up. Gusto ko na lang mawala ang sakit. Gusto ko na lang mawala na ang pag asa ko na mahalin ka. Gusto ko na lang na mawala lahat ng nararamdaman ko sayo. Tama na.

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Giving up

I give up. Ayoko na. Tapos na. Gusto ko na tumigil to pero paano kung sa panahon na gusto ko na huminto anjan ka nagpapakita at nagpaparamdam sa marupok kong puso. Naiiyak ako. Gusto kita sigawan at ipa mukha sayo na nasasaktan ako. Na I dont deserved this. You dont deserve this love I have for you. Hindi ito dapat para sayo. Pero dinala ako ng tadhana punta sayo para masubok na naman. At ito nga ako lumalaban mag isa, lumalaban mag isa para maging masayang muli at bumalik sa panahon na kakilala lang kita. Makakalimutan din kita. Kaya ngayon bibitawan na kita dahil ayoko na. Napapagod na ako na maramdaman na option mo ako. Dito na ko at jan ka na lang. Susuko na ako para sa sarili ko.

[vyyysworld-blog]

Bibitaw na

Lord, hindi ako masaya ngayon hindi din malungkot pero ayoko na po ng ganito. Tulungan mo po ako na bumitaw sa mga bagay, tao at pag asa na hindi naman dapat sa akin. Nasasaktan na po kasi ako. Ayoko na po sakanya, ayoko na po umasa sa kanya, ayoko po ng sitwasyon namin. Gusto ko sya ilaban pero paano ayaw naman na nya sa akin. Sa una lang. May mga plano sya na talagang wala ako at hindi nya man lang na plano na isasama ako. Hanggang dun lang ako para sa kanya. Ang hirap na may mga plano ako na gusto ko sya isama pero alam ko hindi nya magagawa ayaw nya. Ayoko na po Lord sa kanya, makabitaw na po sana ako. Mahal ko na po sya, gusto ko sabihin sakanya pero hindi nya naman na tatanggapin yun dahil may gusto sya na iba. Gusto ko hilingin na sana magkaroon ulit kami ng chance. Pero malabo na yun. Bibitaw na lang ako.

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Lord, Thank you sa lahat. Guide me sa mga decisions ko po. Gusto ko itry yung OOCL at immigration.

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I hoped that your my home. Sadly, you're not.

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I love you, Goodbye 💏

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But why

I want to have a heart like yours. A kind of heart that can endure the pain of being cheated on but is still willing to forgive and make things work. A heart that doesn't hold grudges and is willing not to remember dark memories of infidelity, because that's how you love. A heart that understands, so strong yet so fragile. I want to have a heart like yours, a heart that refuses to turn into a stone hard despite of all the reasons to be one.

I want to have a heart like yours, and I wish one day I'll learn to make my heart like yours. It's beautiful, but why does it always have to hurt and ache like that?

—Yen Peña

[vyyysworld-blog]

Walk away

Lord, please give me strength to walk away. Nasasaktan po ako at masasaktan kapag ganito. Alam ko na hindi ako at never ng magiging ako. Gusto ko na maka move on pero paano naman kung araw araw na lang kami nagkikita. Ang sakit Lord. Alam ko his lying di nya talaga pinsan yun. Si K yun. Si K ang tatagpuin nya alam ko tama ako nararamdaman ko. Hindi tamang hinala ako. Lord, I know I dont deserve this. Please help me see the way to walk away. I want to let go. Ang sakit sakit na. Hindi ako makaiyak kahit ang sakit. Kung kailan gusto ko, tsaka naman ganito I need to give way again for them. 😔 Gusto nya yun kasi di naman mag effort yun kung hindi e. Hindi naman nya i reconsider kung ayaw nya.

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Mahal ko, paano na?