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waitingtogogold-blog · 8 years ago

Conversation

(Putin’s private residence. The

Kremlin.)

PUTIN

Oh fuck . . . Donald. Donald. Donald wake up

TRUMP What?

PUTIN

Aw... I spilled beer down my front

TRUMP

Where the hell are we?

PUTIN

Relax, we’re chilling in the cut

TRUMP

Aw man... last night was the grand slam

PUTIN

Well guess what?

TRUMP What?

PUTIN

We bout to do it all again

TRUMP

Shut the front door

PUTIN

Shut the back

TRUMP

Shut the blinds, they get in through the cracks

PUTIN

What you talking bout? Donald, just relax

TRUMP

I’m talkin those pesky Mexicans, Vlad. Wetbacks

breaking for the border make me so mad

PUTIN

Well I’m talkin bout those wretched Chechnyans, Donnie.

Drop a bomb on em and watch them run like convicts

TRUMP

Yeah, or do like in the days when you were commies:

build a wall around em and watch em all go hungry...

Wouldn’t that be funny?

PUTIN

Donnie you sick.

TRUMP

And its contagious

PUTIN

Put me in a cage I’m a get outrageous

TRUMP

Stages, Vlad, remember what happened last night?

PUTIN Nyet

TRUMP

You got sick on Aung Sang then your tried to start a

fight

PUTIN

With who?

TRUMP

With Ban-Ki-Moon

PUTIN

Yikes. But it aint no G8 without an 8-ball, am I right?

TRUMP

Vlad you can summit up. But remember? I think we signed

some shitty deal about cutting emissions by November.

PUTIN

Fuck emissions! I’m on a mission to miss targets, kick

it down the road while I mix liquors, fuck deadlines

I’ll be doing lines, tell em all we gone fishing for

nuclear fission.

TRUMP

Yeah! Or fishing for poon-tang, bitches to bang

PUTIN

But watch they don’t come back to haunt you like a

boomerang.

TRUMP

What exactly do you mean by that?

PUTIN

I’m just saying watch your back.

TRUMP

What have you heard?

PUTIN

Not a word.

TRUMP

Are you sure?

PUTIN

Hey, cut me some slack! And lets get back to the matter

at hand, hand me that phone, I’ve got a headache like a

brass band playing in my dome.

TRUMP

So what do you propose?

PUTIN

I propose to blow my load, blow the national bank roll,

roll up a hundred thousand rouble note and stick it up

my nose, who knows? Once we get this bender started

there’s no knowing where it goes.

TRUMP

An early grave, some would say; that’s where we’re

headed if we keep behaving brave

PUTIN

You scared, Trump? Too much for you to handle?

TRUMP

Please! I ain’t no chump. You can’t hold a candle to

these N.U.Ts - Alright Putin, do your worst. I’ll put

you in a hearse before we reach the second verse.

BOTH (CHORUS)

WE GOT THIS, WE GOT IT LOCKED DOWN, APOCALYPSE

NOW!

PUT THE HAMMER AND THE SICKLE IN THE BLENDER WITH

THE EAGLE, BLAOW!

PUTIN

C’mon let’s go then! Bring me the blow then! Want so

much cocaine up in this bitch its gonna look like its

snowin

TRUMP

Bring in Snowden -

PUTIN

What? What did you say?

TRUMP

C’mon, Vlad. I’m kidding

PUTIN

Donnie you’re a villain

TRUMP

Fake news... but if you were willing

PUTIN

You’re trippin

TRUMP

Quit lippin and hear me out: I wanna kill em

PUTIN

Get real

TRUMP

Get a machine gun and riddle em

PUTIN

Or rip out his toe nails and play tiddly winks with em

TRUMP

Yeah! Hit em with some real KGB riddim

PUTIN

Rid em of his eyelids and make him viddy videos of

dying kids

TRUMP

Like in Syria

PUTIN

Seriously? You want to step into that arena?

TRUMP

I’d say we already did

PUTIN

Well let me make it clear to ya: you don’t ever mention

that shit when you’re near to me

TRUMP

Relax Vlad, you’re too easy! I’m just busting your

chops

PUTIN

Well watch it.

TRUMP

You know how it goes; the only chemical weapons I’m

trying to fuck with are goin up my nose. Where the hoes

at?

PUTIN

I’ll get them here in seconds flat - but these honeys

ain’t no playboy bunnies you best be prepared for that

TRUMP

What, you think this is my first rodeo cuz? I’ve rode

every miss universe that there ever was

PUTIN

I’m not talkin bout no pitch and putt I’m talkin bout

gettin a nut, these bitches from the bolshoi will make

your balls go oy-vey! Mia will make you mumble. Natalia

leave you stumblin. And when Natasha shakes her ass she

makes the Kremlin crumble

TRUMP

Oh boy I’m ready to rumble

PUTIN

I’m telling you man these girls are hardcore, they’ve

got superpowers - they’ll light a fire, satisfy your

every desire for hours - and if you get too hot they’ll

cool you off with a little golden showers

TRUMP

Think its time they visit Trump towers - whoa wait,

what have you heard?

PUTIN

Nothin... but a little bird told me bout your date with

those two Moscow girls

TRUMP

Well I don’t know what you been told but the only gold

I’m fuckin with is cold hard cash - I respect bitches

too much to let them piss on my fat white ass

PUTIN

Trump its true you rich as Ritchie - and Ritchie richer

than Lionel - but I hear you like gettin treated like a

human urinal

TRUMP

They’re lyin! Whoever said that, I’ll rip out their

spinal. There’s no excuse for fake news, its not true

and thats final!

PUTIN

Alright, keep your panties on before we get our rocks

off

TRUMP

Lets just get those girls in here before we both go

soft

BOTH (CHORUS)

WE GOT THIS, WE GOT IT LOCKED DOWN, APOCALYPSE

NOW!

PUT THE HAMMER AND THE SICKLE IN THE BLENDER WITH

THE EAGLE, BLAOW!

PUTIN

Gold is this interior, colder than Siberia

Seriously serving cinders to this Syrian hysteria

Hurry the fuck up with the beer and the chlamydia

Kidding you not, these bitches got us backing up like a

pack of hyenas

Heinous crimes they accuse me of misdemeanours

Like dealing from the bottom of the deck to feed my

minions

And maybe murderin a meddlin mogul or two

These apparatchiks are riddickin me tell me what would

you do

And the international community can suck a dick too

Coz this pipelines the lifeline and the hands on the

dial are mine

My oil rigs digging holes in the dirt, so I can fuck

the earthNow think on that before you scrap the sack

you tap may be your ownSo watch the thrown, homes, and

let me hit it while I spark this bone

TRUMP

All you donkeys suck my donkey dick quick, I’m the

elephant up in the room

Fat greedy and white although I look like a tangeroon

Silver spoon for the day-glo dego-hatin goon

Gimme a blunt and pass that ass till its red as a

babboon

Now plenty puny pitiful pedantic motherfuckers want to

pen a clever witty little trip about Trump

Well if Spicer can’t dice em I guess I’d better step on

And lay down the law of the land from coast to coast

Mirror mirror who do you figure is the most

Illest of the boastful ways, when I take the stage

Not one fuck given about what nobody says

Or whats written down in the script, scripts are for

bitches

Who needs to read to lead when you got riches

(MORE)

TRUMP (cont’d)

Ask any of my hitches, my pervious marriages

Soon as I flip my cheque book, they dropping those

assault charges

Like dope beats, put a gag order on them freaks

Gag the nation, now I’m the only one that speaks

Some say I’m a fascist antichrist, a messianic

psychopath

Tyranny of stupidity, pity the punk that fucks with me

When I’m rollin up the funk

Re-elect in 2024 before I give it up

PUTIN

Aw, fuck...

TRUMP

Whoa, I’m fucked up now

PUTIN Donald

TRUMP What?

PUTIN

Donald, I gotta say this while I got this vodka in me

man

TRUMP Yeah?

PUTIN

Man - you’re the fuckin best man, we’re a team man put

it to the test man - we’re allstars now, like Kennedy

and Khrushchev and shit now man

TRUMP

Kennedy and Khruschev...

PUTIN

When the fry dives off with China, lets just say theres

no one I’d rather have on the other end of that line,

so glad you’re in the white house man and putting you

there was the best decision of my life...

TRUMP

Yeah, fuck China - wait, what? You talkin bout, you

didn’t put me in the white house, fuck you mean?

PUTIN

Oh, sure Donald

TRUMP What?

PUTIN

No, thats cool. If thats the way you want it I can play

along too

TRUMP

I’m nobody’s fool

PUTIN

Never said that about you. But maybe just take a moment

to remember who you talkin to

TRUMP What?

PUTIN

Where you think all that cash came from? Rainin down

from heaven son? More like rainin down from the

Kremlin, cunt. We both know that, so why front, Trump?

TRUMP

Fuck you, I don’t know shit, all I know is that you got

some real strange ideas in that big bald head of yours.

PUTIN

Donald, you’re my bitch.

TRUMP

Now that’s steppin the line!

PUTIN

Settle down and let me put you on the truth one time.

What happened just now?

TRUMP

We got our nuts, kpaow! Put the hammer and the sickle

in the blender... etc.

PUTIN

Donald, there were no honeys here.

TRUMP

You mean, we fucked eachother?

PUTIN

More like I fucked you, my brother from another

TRUMP

What? Fake news! How can that be?

PUTIN

Its what we do in the KGB; its the only way we can be

sure of loyalty

TRUMP

But that’s gay! Vlad, thats gay

PUTIN

What the fuck you say?

TRUMP

Cmon, you fucked another man in the ass, I don’t see

how you can see it another way

PUTIN

No its not gay, its like the opposite of gay

TRUMP

How does that even begin to make sense - ay?

BOTH (CHORUS)

WE GOT THIS, WE GOT IT LOCKED DOWN, APOCALYPSE

NOW!

PUT THE HAMMER AND THE SICKLE IN THE BLENDER WITH

THE EAGLE, BLAOW!

(Suddenly the beat has stopped. The

lights are dimmer)

TRUMP

Whoa - Vlad! What happened to the beat?

PUTIN

I don’t know - shit - I can’t feel my feet

TRUMP

My nose is all runny - my hands have gone funny!

PUTIN

Hate to break it to you but they’ve always been that

way, Trump

TRUMP

No, Vlad, I’m telling you, something was up with that

last bump

PUTIN

Relax, Donnie, we ran out of coke so I crushed up some

of my girlfriends amphetamine I stole

TRUMP

Let me see the label

PUTIN

It says ’ketamine’

TRUMP

What? Vlad, we’re in the k-hole!

PUTIN

What are you talking bout? The only hole I’ve been in

yours

TRUMP

You say you stole this from your girlfriend?

PUTIN Da

TRUMP

What is she, a horse?

PUTIN

What you trying to say, guy?

TRUMP

This tranquilliser that we’re high on’s left us liable

to die. Don’t you see Vlad? The situations very very

bad - we could both have cardiac arrests, this trip

might be our last

PUTIN

Hey when did we leave? Why are we out in the street?

TRUMP

I don’t know, but it should be cold, instead I’m

sweating in this heat

PUTIN

It should be daylight, but with those clouds its like

its night

TRUMP

Where is everybody, there’s not a body in sight

PUTIN

What’s that smell in the air?

TRUMP

Are those bones over there?

PUTIN

I don’t like this Donnie

10.

TRUMP

Where the hell are we?

PUTIN

I think I saw a sign back there, it said ’this way to

Pyongyang square’

TRUMP

I think we’d best get out of here *cough*

PUTIN

Let’s just lie down a minute, until we’re thinking

clear

TRUMP

Good idea - no, Vlad, that’s the radiation sickness

poisoning our lungs

PUTIN

Donnie I’m so fucked up I... can’t think of a single

thing that rhymes with lungs...

TRUMP

Vlad - I can feel my hair falling out, my face turning

to jelly

PUTIN

I hate to tell you Donald but its always been... never

mind

TRUMP

Vlad - I don’t think we’re going to make it

PUTIN

Donald - if thats the truth I can’t take it

TRUMP

Will you do me a favour?

PUTIN What?

TRUMP

Help me savour these last moments together?

PUTIN What?

TRUMP

Once more, take me in your arms, before the both of us

have bought the farm, and so with our last breath, I

guess, attest that our loves all thats left

11.

PUTIN

*cough* Oh, Donnie

TRUMP

*cough* Oh, Vlad

(Spotlight rises slowly on the pair,

curled up together on the floor, along

with a menacing noise)

PUTIN

Look-look! The blinding light! Is it God?

TRUMP

No! It’s the mushroom cloud! Nuclear fallout!

PUTIN

Here it comes!

TRUMP

Oh, Vlad!

PUTIN

Oh, Donnie!

BOTH

PUTIN Whoa

TRUMP What?

I... LOVE...

(Spot cuts out. Lights are back up.

Beat. The two of them scramble up off

the floor, straighten out, get out their

phones)

PUTIN

Uh, hello? Yes, it’s me Natalia

TRUMP

Reince? Reince, listen... yes, bomb them, tomahawk the

shit out of them - what? No, they can’t have any

abortions, in fact give them twins, just for asking

PUTIN

They voted what? Well, kill them, and mail their heads

to Yeltsin. I know, but he collects them. Oh and

Natalia - get me the briefcase. Yes, the one with the

red button. I don’t know, I just want to look at it.

12.

TRUMP

Why would I want to hear my approval ratings, Reince,

oh, but listen - ehh, can you get me, the uh, the

briefcase? You know the one I’m talking about. The

nuclear, briefcase, yeah, ixnay on the uclearnay ombay

- the launch codes, Reince, for God sake get a grip

man. I don’t know, it just feels like one of those

days. Okay, bye. Love you, bye.

PUTIN So.

TRUMP So.

PUTIN Hmm.

TRUMP

Well Vlad

PUTIN

Well Donald

TRUMP

Quite the party

PUTIN Yeah

TRUMP

You should come visit me and...

PUTIN

Melania

TRUMP

Melania, at uh, Mar-a-Lago, y’know. Lie in the sun,

drink some pina-coladas.

PUTIN

Thank you, but I’m sure you and your melanoma can enjoy

the sun just fine on your own.

TRUMP

Well, ok. Bye Vlad.

PUTIN

Bye, Donald.

TRUMP

Wait, Vlad.

13.

PUTIN Donald

TRUMP

Don’t you think its time we changed our ways?

PUTIN

I don’t follow

TRUMP

Something happened last night, didn’t it?

PUTIN

I don’t know what happened last night.

TRUMP

C’mon, something happened. Something real. And I’m not

just talking about the anal date-rape

PUTIN

I think we’ve had quite enough of-

TRUMP

Vlad. I know you feel it too

PUTIN

Donald-

TRUMP

C’mon Vlad. A love like ours could change the world.

PUTIN

Well... maybe... one more bump. For Putin and Trump.

(Beat begins to rise again)

BOTH (CHORUS)

WE GOT THIS, WE GOT IT LOCKED DOWN, APOCALYPSE

NOW!

PUT THE HAMMER AND THE SICKLE IN THE BLENDER WITH

THE EAGLE, BLAOW!

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