walkingdeadshep

[walkingdeadshep]

It was stupid, really, the way something so small could hit him like a punch to the gut. But as he stood there, watching Liv wrestle with whatever thoughts had her lost in the past, he couldn't help but wonder if she ever thought about those memories the way he did. If she ever missed them. Missed him. For a long while after their forced separation, it had been difficult for Shep to imagine anything without an image of her blurring his thoughts, their daughter too. He'd battled more than demons than he could count and he'd fallen victim to them too. Sleepless nights, early mornings of shooting up from wherever he'd laid his head to search for her distant voice, only to realize he'd been dreaming. Again. He'd thought the unknown was torture, but having stumbled into the same gated community as her, some questions answered, others left untouched... now he knew real torture.

He wanted to say something—anything—to bridge the quiet stretching between them. But what was there to say? That he remembered every single moment before the world went to complete and utter shit? That he could still hear her laugh in his head when he closed his eyes? That even now, after everything, there was a part of him that wanted to pull her back into the world they'd lost? And even though he couldn't, that he still wanted to pull her close? That he wanted to make new memories in a kitchen much nicer than anything they'd ever known? That he wanted to fill every room in his place with the sounds of her sweet amusement?

But things weren’t the same. They couldn’t be.

So instead, he exhaled sharply and forced a smirk. “You know, if you’re having second thoughts on that coffee, I might be feeling generous enough to offer again.” His voice was light, teasing—but his eyes searched hers, as if hoping for something she wasn’t ready to give.

"What's his deal? What'd he do before the fall?" Anyone could have a head on their shoulders built for survival. Hell, he'd found himself doing and learning things he never would have if the world hadn't been turned upside down. Some things couldn't be self-taught though, and from what he knew of Eugene, that kind of intelligence didn't stem from resilience.

He huffed out a quiet laugh, shaking his head. "Yeah, well, trust isn’t exactly something that comes easy these days." Shep shifted on his feet, his gaze trained on hers as she rambled on about the other man. It stung, the way her mouth curved towards the ceiling above as she spoke so freely about the leather vest cladded man he'd come to know as Daryl. The raven haired male had heard her speak about him in the same light before, her confidence in the man level and firm. He let out a slow breath, running a hand through his hair before nodding. "I’ll give him a chance. No promises, but…" A small smirk tugged at his lips, one that did little to show the sting beneath. "I’ll try not to hold the redneck thing against him." And he would, given that the man gave him no reason to.

His eyes flicked to her, searching for something—reassurance, maybe. Or just some indication that this uneasy truce between them wasn’t as fragile as it felt. That all the distance, all the years, weren’t an insurmountable wall between them. He wasn’t blind. He knew she was still working through it all, still adjusting to the fact that he was here, that everything she’d believed had been turned upside down. And honestly? He couldn’t blame her. If the roles had been reversed, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to let go of that kind of anger either.

But she was talking to him. She'd gone out of her way to check-in with him at his place, even if it had been orchestrated by someone else. That had to count for something, right?

He caught the hesitation in her voice, the way her expression shifted ever so slightly before she answered. It wasn’t an easy thing for either of them—this strange, careful balancing act they were trying to pull off—but the fact that she didn’t immediately shut him down was something. A small crack in the wall she’d built between them. Shep nodded, absorbing her words with the kind of patience he was still learning to practice. "That’s fair," he said, voice even, though there was a flicker of something softer beneath it. "I’ll make sure it’s something she’ll like. No expectations, no pressure."

His lips twitched in something close to a smile, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes. He wanted to ask if that line—not her father—would ever change, if there would ever come a day when he wouldn’t have to be just Shep, the new friend, but he held his tongue. This wasn’t about what he wanted.

Shepley nodded, his gaze steady, but his thoughts lingered on her response. He could see it in her eyes—the way she still held onto that guarded, wary hope. The both of them knew how easily everything could shift in the matter of an instant. "I get it. I can't imagine keeping a place like this going is easy." As her voice tapered off, his stomach turned over, threatening to empty the beer that had only just settled there. He knew for a fact that someone wanted this place for themself, and he also knew for a fact that Negan had the means to push past every board and metal sheet still standing. "Doesn't mean that won't fail one day. A hoard... or someone wanting in this place... I think we both know what happens when a desperate person wants something." And Negan was the right amount of desperate, careless, and reckless to take it.

With or without Shep's help.

Shepley listened carefully, taking in the weight of her words. He could hear the exhaustion in her voice, the weariness of someone who’d seen too many close calls and too many good people lost. His eyes softened, his brow furrowed slightly as he looked at her—he understood that kind of fear, that kind of responsibility. "Sounds like a lot of them don't have a clue what they're really up against," he said quietly, a little frustration creeping into his voice. While they'd been left to fight for themselves with no clue how to navigate the new world, there were people living as if nothing at all had changed. "Crazy how some of us were left in the dark and then you have a place like this..." he trailed off, silencing himself with a long pull from his beer. Little did she know, the safe haven wasn't so tucked away after all. The reminder had him taking yet another drink, leaving nothing more than another sip or two in the bottle.

He gave a small sigh, the kind that felt heavy with everything he didn’t know how to say. "I don't think you have to let your guard down, Liv. But maybe… maybe you can start trusting that we’ll help shoulder some of it. Not just you. Not just your group. We’re all in this together now. We can get them ready, give them what they need to hold their own. And if there’s one thing I know, it’s that when you put your mind something... it gets done." He paused, watching her shift onto the island, the restless energy in her movements matching what he’d seen in her since they’d met.

The mention of their daughter, the one who knew him as nothing more than a familiar, had the vertically gifted man taking a slow step towards her, his gaze filled with battling emotions—anger, sadness, regret, guilt, defeat, fear, understanding. His daughter might've been oblivious to the parental tie, but his devotion to protecting her and the woman atop the island was unwavering. "You won't lose her." He was as certain about that as he was about anything. Regardless of what it cost him, even if it were his life, he'd protect them, he'd protect her.

The more she thought about it, the more Liv wanted to smack herself for turning down coffee; especially if the coffee beans were fresh. Or...well, as fresh as you can get them when the world stops moving. She couldn't deny that she'd been craving a good cup of coffee for a while now; she hadn't had a good cup since she'd stumbled across the prison, but even then it hadn't been as good as it used to be. Whether that was the coffee itself or the memories that were tied to ninety percent of them, she didn't know; but there was a part of her that missed it. That missed everything. But for some reason she couldn't bring herself to trust him fully. She couldn't shake the feeling that he was hiding something or at least not being genuine about something.

But he was here. Something she'd never admit she'd wanted before now, but she couldn't deny there was a small part of her - deep down - that was relieved he was in Alexandria with them. Safe. That's what mattered the most. Things weren't the same as they had been before, but she knew that it was going to be almost impossible for them to fall back into their old patterns from before everything went to hell. Early mornings spent just enjoying each other's company; whether it be relaxing in the same room, reading a book beside him while he lost himself in some video game or some project he'd started or mornings passed with her perched on the counter with a giant cup of coffee in her hands while she watched him cook or even sometimes cooking for the both of them and trying her damndest (and usually failing) not to let the food burn while he distracted her. Sliding up behind her, his lips pressed to her ear and murmuring something about what she was wearing. The way she smelled. The way she looked in his shirt.

No, that was a reality that she genuinely didn't think they would ever get back to. Things were too different now. But he was here, and he was trying. He was abiding by her wishes and not trying to force himself into their daughter's life. He was keeping his distance and letting her get used to his presence again. Honestly, while she would never admit it to his face, his presence had been fairly easy to get used to; he wasn't trying to invade her space or involve himself in her work duties or daily life. They rarely interacted (though that was also heavily due to her doing everything she can to avoid him) so seeing him around every so often wasn't hard to adjust to. It was adjusting her mindset that had been the tough part. Adjusting the way she thought about him. Letting go of the anger she'd clung to the last few years thinking he'd abandoned them. Adjusting to the reality that everything she'd thought was wrong and the guilt that came with that.

Pulling herself from her thoughts, she nodded with a laugh at the comment about Eugene's genius. The man really was a genius in her opinion, even if it hadn't been the way they'd thought when they first met him. "He's...yeah, he's something alright. Genius is one of many terms I'd use to describe him," she commented with a slight shake of her head. She'd caught the brief flash of jealousy in his eyes at the mention of Daryl, but she acted like she hadn't. There was no need to bring up the extent of her relationship with Daryl, especially not when they were trying to rebuild a semblance of their old friendship. "Daryl...takes some getting used to, but he's a good guy. He's rough around the edges, obviously, but he's also just not used to being around this many people. In a community this...fancy," she remarked with a slight shrug. "He didn't grow up too different from us," she added. "Pretty similar to how you did, actually. Just more...redneck," she laughed a bit to herself before shaking her head and rolling her eyes. "At least you didn't have to grow up with Merle. God damn," she commented, more to herself than to him; she felt bad for how Merle had died, but she couldn't say she missed the man either. Daryl had always had an inferiority complex when it came to his brother, but he was twenty times the man his older brother had been. "But yeah," she remarked, shaking his head a little and getting back to the topic at hand. "Just give him a chance, I'm sure you two have more in common than you think. He doesn't trust easy, either," she commented with a knowing look.

She couldn't help but laugh at the idea that whoever was supplying him with his coffee bean hookup might stop delivering if he gave them up. That wasn't necessarily true, but depending on who it was it definitely could have been true. Coffee was a rare commodity in this new world; she was a little surprised anyone had actually revealed they had it. Understanding his (albeit teasing) decision to keep the coffee smuggler to himself didn't stop the not-knowing from gnawing at her a little, though, and she knew he knew her well enough to know that.

The tension eventually came back into play, though, as the subject of living arrangements was brought back up. She knew that he wasn't used to this sort of environment or housing, but that didn't mean he had to just instantly give it up either. Especially not for her or Anya. They were doing good in Alexandria; honestly, better than they probably ever would have done back in the old world. He deserved good things in his life, too; even if he didn't think or believe it. Even if said good things only came after the world went to shit. "I do like it," she clarified with a shake of her head. "For you. An and I are perfectly fine where we are," she added, nodding a little. She paused for a second before adding a brief 'But I appreciate the offer' so she wouldn't look like as much of an asshole as she felt when she saw his smile fall.

At his question about making something for Anya, she froze for a brief moment. She honestly didn't know what to say. Her gut reaction was 'absolutely not', but she knew better. She knew he wasn't trying to pull anything; he just wanted to do something for their daughter, even if it was something as small as making her something. After a few moments of silence, she nodded a little and gave him a small smile. "Yeah, I would. If not her bedroom, then probably the playroom depending on what it is." She paused for a moment before sighing quietly. "Whatever it is, I'm sure she'd love it. And I don't have a problem telling her it's from you. So...so long as it's from her new friend Shep and not her father," she remarked, giving him a look that told him that was the best she could do. For now, at least.

Liv shrugged a little in response to his comment about her landing on her feet. "For now, I guess." He wasn't entirely wrong, but it was still hard to stomach. It was hard to think that she'd finally landed somewhere safe. That she'd finally managed to have both feet on solid ground. Things had been great at the prison; she'd let herself think things were finally falling into place, and then the Governor happened. Then life literally exploded around them. They were lucky that they found Alexandria, but it had been rough roads for a long time. Especially with everything that'd happened at Terminus. Looking up at the mention of wanting to talk to Deanna, she couldn't help the small smile that crept onto her face at the idea of him wanting to help shore up their defenses; it only enforced the idea that he was really staying. That he wasn't going anywhere. "I think that's a good idea," she said with a nod. "I don't think Reg has been able to work on them as much as he wanted. I know there was a group that was going out at one point getting panels when Reg first started getting the walls up, but they stopped. They think it's too dangerous. That the walls will hold up as-is. They're not necessarily wrong, they've held up for years now, but that doesn't mean they won't need replaced soon. Especially if there's a hoard nearby or someone else decides they want what we have," she commented with a shake of her head; she knew how dangerous it could get when someone else wanted what you had.

She nodded at the question. "Most of them, actually," she said with a disbelieving sigh. "Not all of them; there are maybe half a dozen or so aside from our group from the prison that were recruited by Aaron or Daryl or myself. But a majority of them were put here when the world went to hell. Deanna was a senator...I think? Or maybe that was Aaron. I don't fully remember. But they were a bunch of important people and their families. The military put them here as a temporary thing, and then they never came back," she shrugged. "It's far enough away from the damage that somehow they've been able to avoid everything. The raiders, most of the walkers, the hoards...almost everything." She honestly didn't know how long that would last. There had to be other groups nearby - other people who knew the security of what they had and wanted it for themselves. Honestly, not a whole hell of a lot would have surprised her anymore when it came to this new world. She took a long swig from her beer when he asked if she thought someone would attack them, before ultimately shrugging and shaking her head.

"I genuinely don't know. And I don't know how to get them ready. I don't think any of them would last a day out there. Not really. And it wouldn't surprise me in the latest if someone decided they wanted this place for themselves, but...I don't know." She paused for a moment, setting her beer down moving to jump up onto the island. She couldn't help it; she had a thing about sitting on an island - it just felt right in some sense. Especially with Shep nearby, though she refused to let herself get distracted again. "That's what I hate the most about it," she started again. "I can't...I can't let my guard down. I can't feel like we're actually safe here. Not knowing the area or anything like that. Knowing that someone could attack at any time, but not knowing when or if they even will. If I let my guard down..." She trailed off for a second before sighing. "That's how you lose people. That's how Carol lost her daughter. That's how Rick and Maggie lost their families. I won't feel safe or secure until I know this place isn't at risk." She sighed heavily. "Until I know that she's not at risk."

[walkingdeadshep]

Before the fall of everything, the key to survival for the man who'd come from nothing was his natural charm. Of course, he fell short with some, but he'd been the kind of person who could anyone into anything if he tried hard enough. It was how he'd gotten his first job before the age of fifteen and how he'd managed to slip through the cracks at graduation when he'd truthfully fallen a credit short. It was one of the most dangerous things about him — he was a survivor and he'd do anything to get what he wanted.

The coffee had been appealing for himself, but truth be unspoken, he'd made the trade off of his time for the ground up gold for her benefit, not his. The smell of a fresh brew had unlocked memories he'd buried deep. Ones where the hem of his shirt brushed the top of her thighs during those early mornings or the beaming smile she'd shine at him if he surprised her at work with a cup of her favorite brew. Before the fall of everything, life had been as perfect as it could be for two people who'd never had much but one another. Had he known then what he knew now, well, he would have never complained about those coffee stains and long waits in buzzing lines.

"Eugene, he's kind of a genius, right?" He nipped at the inside of his cheek, the brief mention of Daryl causing jealousy to stir in the pit of his stomach. "And Daryl, he's kind of intense." The man had reminded him a bit of his father — rough around the edges and uncaring of what anyone thought about it. It was endearing, but it left him with little trust. Anyone like his father wasn't worth an ounce of belief.

Thankfully, her tone caused him to snap out of his thoughts, a brow lifting to match the look she was giving him. "Well, I can't tell ya that, Liv. If I give up my supplier, they might start holdin' out on me." He flashed a toothy grin back at her, knowing that such an answer would drive her mad. "Let's just say I paid my dues." What he'd really done had taken a couple of weeks worth of work. It was a project bigger than what he was used to, but Shep had considered it a challenge. So much so that when he'd finished, he'd felt more excitement over being successful than the bag of ground beans he'd been gifted.

Her response struck a nerve within him, his smile dropping as he avoided her gaze for a few seconds. The mechanic cleared his throat and swallowed down the bitter taste of rejection. "Never said I didn't, but if you like it," he added, a lazy shrug lacking the confidence he'd put forth with the initial offer. It was too big for him and even on the nights his neighbor kept him company, it still felt too much. As she further explained herself, Shep nodded along, bottom lip caught between his teeth as he brushed a stray crumb from the island's marble top. "If I made her something, would you put it in her room?" It was a big ask, a bold one considering the sharp declaration of disapproval she'd just handed to him. "You wouldn't have to tell her it's from me." It was a simple idea, something to mimic a piece he'd made for her nursery — her name shaped from wooden pieces and painted.

A genuine laugh flowed freely from parted lips, her statement having been the truest thing he'd heard in days. "Looks like you're doing alright for yourself." She'd landed in a community that was as close to normal as they'd ever get. The homes were all in good shape, they had running water, a food pantry, sidewalks... it was a long shot from the compound and from the sounds of it, the prison too. "I wanna talk to Deanna about the walls. I walk them sometimes when I don't have anything else to do and some of them aren't lookin' too good." The metal frames were giving in spots and others were already beginning to rust out and it wouldn't take much to bring them down if someone wanted... if Negan wanted.

"Are there people who've been here from the start?" He almost couldn't believe that there were still people in the world who'd never had to face the true horrors of what lied outside of their safe zones. "Do you think someone's going to attack?" He knew what happened when Negan wanted something for himself. He was more dangerous than the dead themselves, but he refused to think about the leather cladded man and the plans he was inevitably building. Without intel though, it meant buying time for the community. "If they're not ready, then get them ready, right?"

Liv knew that it must have seemed odd as hell when she turned down coffee of all things; before the world went to hell, she had frequently stated that her veins were filled with coffee instead of blood. She had lived off of the substance to keep herself awake and able to take care of her siblings, working several jobs to make sure that everyone was taken care of. But when Shep had asked her if she wanted anything to drink, her knee-jerk reaction had been 'absolutely not'; she'd survived for years without him, she didn't need anything from him now. And then she'd remembered the truth. The truth that he hadn't just abandoned them, at least not by choice. From what he had said, he'd tried like hell to get back to them. She believed him, she did, but she could also tell there was something underneath the surface. Something he wasn't saying. Her mind was going back and forth on whether she just couldn't read him anymore - after all, she knew this new world had certainly changed her - or whether the man really was hiding something. Either way, it made her hesitant to trust him. But she had to try.

So she asked for beer instead of coffee; she didn't know if she wanted to accept anything from him when he offered it, but at least if she asked for something and he gave it to her that was a little different. In her mind, at least. She laughed a bit as he told her not to tell anyone about his stash, shaking her head at the idea. "Definitely won't, I promise," she commented with a smirk as she followed him towards the kitchen area. "I can't say I'm surprised about the beer, there's a surprisingly large amount of it here, I think Daryl and Eugene are working on trying to make their own," she mused with a roll of her eyes. "But where on Earth did you get coffee?" she asked with a raised brow and a smirk, slowly moving around the area to examine his kitchen.

As he offered her the house in a joking manner, she stopped looking at one of the stock-photos on the wall and spun on her heels to turn her attention to him as an almost angry expression crossed her features. Did he think giving her a house would make up for everything she'd gone through the last few years, even if he wasn't truly at fault for it? "What?" she asked, fixing a piercing gaze on him; she knew that he had probably meant it as a joke, but she also knew him better than that. "Don't be stupid," she snapped, a hint of annoyance in her voice; she probably sounded like her old self for the first time in a long while. She had never been afraid to speak honestly with him. "This is a nice place. You deserve to be somewhere nice," she sighed, the annoyance leaving her voice as she spoke. "I wasn't saying I hated my place," she commented as she stepped forward and accepted the beer, moving to sit on one of the step stools on the other side of the island. "It's a great house, and Anya loves it. I'm just saying that they gave you a nice house," she finished before taking a sip of her beer. She could tell that he felt bad about not being present for the last few years, and offering the house was probably the first thing he could think of to make up for it; it just didn't really help anything.

A few awkward moments of silence settled before she had asked how he was settling in, and she offered a genuine smile and quiet laugh when he joked that he'd never had a problem with people liking him. That much was definitely true. Out of the two of them, he'd been the one people instantly took to. She'd always been rough around the edges, and he'd always been the one to charm people. "That's for damn sure. I've never been great at making friends. I got lucky with the prison group," she remarked, taking another sip from her beer with a smirk. Setting it down, she gave a small smile before nodding. "There are still days that I think it's too good to be true, honestly. And we've been working to get their defenses shored up," she stated before picking up her beer and taking another swig. "They're not ready if someone attacks...I don't think many of them truly realize what the real world is like outside these walls."

[walkingdeadshep]

No one knew how difficult it had been to walk the walled community as if his daughter and ex-girlfriend weren't somewhere within them. It was even harder knowing that Liv had a role to play and that role involved her going out beyond the walls where bigger threats than the dead lurked. In the weeks of avoidance, he'd made moves of his own, moves that made him sick to consider. He'd fixed an old bike in exchange for a half-used notebook and on every job, he made small talk that revealed more and more about the community that Negan had taken an interest in. It was insurance, a backup plan for if the man got impatience with Shep's progress. If he gave a little, perhaps it could spare him the time he needed to figure out his next moves.

What he did know for a fact was that he couldn't lose them again. Maybe he wasn't proud of the man he'd become, but he couldn't risk losing track of the two most important people in his life. Even if the one that stood before him now was enough to take his breath away, the uncertainty between them keeping him off kilter. When his offer was rejected, he nodded, a silent understanding that she wanted nothing from him, even if she were there.

As quickly as he'd choked down the rejection, Shep's gaze was finding her petite frame with a smile. Coffee wasn't for her, but beer? Luckily enough, he'd managed to make a decent trade from one of his neighbors. He was patching up damage to their kitchen and in return, they shared a case of beer that surprisingly wasn't as skunked as one would've expected it to be after so much time had passed. "Don't tell anyone about my stash," he countered as he dipped behind the kitchen island and into the fridge where he plucked out not one, but two bottles of beer. "Take them all. I should probably cut back on them anyway." At the mention of their daughter, any desire he'd previously had for the cookies melted away. For her, he'd give up everything and then some.

With the beer in head, Shep studied the woman as she studied his place. Soon enough, he understood why she'd taken such an interest in looking around. "You can have it if you want." As much of a joke as it sounded like, he'd meant the offer. It was more than he needed and truth was, he would've settled for a one room shack of it meant being behind the same walls as Liv and his daughter. Her confession did little to rock his confidence. Maybe Deanna had sent her, but Liv could've said no. Instead, she'd chosen to come there rather than pawn the task off onto someone else.

"I'm doing alright." Half lie, half truth. He popped the top off the bottle he'd plucked from the fridge and sat it at the edge of the counter, nodding for the redhead to take it. After a few moments, he removed the top from his own drink and took a long swig from it. "You know me. Never had a problem with people liking me." A quiet rumble of raspy laughter rattled from deep in his belly. Once again, it was a mostly true statement. Most people liked him and the ones that didn't usually had a pretty good reason why they didn't feel the same. "I like it here, Liv. I can see why you do too."

There was a brief moment when she wondered if he was going to just let her stay outside. She couldn't fully blame him, not after how she'd reacted when he first arrived. It wasn't like she hadn't yelled at him for quite a long time and hit him more than a few times. Not exactly the most welcoming introduction to the community. But she had her reasons, and he knew that. He knew that she'd spent years thinking that he'd abandoned them without a thought in the world, so it wasn't like her anger at the time hadn't been justified. Things hadn't been bad between them, necessarily, over the last few weeks. They had gotten along decently since he'd returned, but she'd be lying if she said that things weren't awkward or distant. The awkwardness was to be expected, and him keeping his distance had been her request so she couldn't exactly be mad about it. But she also didn't expect him to just stand in his doorway and not let her inside; especially not when she was the one seeking him out.

The second he stepped to the side, though, she realized that he'd just frozen when he saw her there. Of course; with her request for distance and her more or less all-out avoidance of him in the last few weeks unless she had to be near him, he hadn't been expecting her to just show up on his doorstep unexpectedly. Looking down briefly as he motioned for her to come inside, she stepped over the threshold and into the house before taking a few steps further inside and looking around. It didn’t necessarily look lived in, but there wasn't evidence that he was living in exactly one room and nothing else either. She knew it had to have been an adjustment for him; he was there by himself, as far as she knew, and she knew how different it was to be in a huge empty house when you were by yourself. Granted, she wasn't by herself with Anya there, but it took her a while to get used to the home she had been given. When they first got there, the entire group from the prison had stayed in the living room of one house; they always had strength in numbers. But as they got more comfortable, they started spreading out into the community; eventually she was sure Shep would do the same.

Turning around to face him again when he asked if he could get her something, she shook her head with a smile that didn't fully reach her eyes. "Nah, I'm good thanks," she remarked as she briefly held his gaze for a moment before tearing her eyes away from his and turning around to wander just a little. There was a time that she never would have second guessed his presence or actions, but she couldn't help it. She was still nervous as hell that he was back. She was glad to know that he hadn't just abandoned them without a care in the world, but she didn't know anything he'd been through in the years he'd been gone. She didn't think he'd do anything to bring harm to herself or their daughter, but he also hadn't known they would be here. If she really thought about it, she knew better than to think that Shep would align himself with someone who would threaten a community like Alexandria; they weren't a threat to anyone. And no matter how much time had passed, she could never see him aligning himself with the sort of people who were threatened by a small, self-sustaining community like Alexandria. People like The Governor.

"You know, actually," she started a few minutes later, pausing in her steps and turning her attention back to him. "I wouldn't say no if you've managed to get your hands on some beer," she chuckled with a small smirk. "Though, I may take you up on those cookies before I leave. Anya would probably devour them." After a few seemingly charged moments, she tore her eyes away from his and studied the house a bit more; anything to not hold eye contact with him for more than a few moments. Even after years of being apart, the air between them still felt charged somehow. It was definitely going to take a while for her to trust him again, but that didn't mean she didn't still feel the same pull she'd always felt. Instead of allowing herself to get lost in that old feeling, she focused on the house. She hadn't really taken a decent look at it when she was showing him around, but looking around she had to admit she was a little jealous. "You know, I didn't really pay attention much before but...your house is much nicer than mine," she laughed with a shake of her head.

"Deanna sent me to check in on you," she finally admitted after a few moments, giving an awkward shrug. "She normally keeps an eye on new people herself, but I think she's figured out that we know each other," she reasoned. "How have you been settling in? From what I can tell everyone seems to like you," she said with a shrug and a small smile. "Then again, having someone around who can actually fix things is going to automatically make people like you more," she teased with a small smile.

[walkingdeadshep]

It wasn't his first time adjusting into a community that seemed too good to be true. He remembered the same feeling when he was first brought into Negan's group, but the feeling of reprieve had been short-lived. He'd waited for the other shoe to drop for two weeks straight and by the third week, he'd felt something within him finally give a little bit. Of course, within those weeks, he'd struggled more than anyone behind their picket fences knew. There was proof of that in the hole he'd covered up with a framed photo of rolling hills. During one particular nightmare, the vivid dream having featured the woman he'd known so well and the child they'd made together, and the big bad wolf he'd bent at the knee to follow. Everything had seemed so real and before he knew it, he'd put his fist through the wall and had the bruised knuckles to show for it the following morning. Ashamed and still rocked, he'd moved the picture from the hallway to his room — he couldn't risk them painting him as a violent threat to their community.

The morning routine he'd built for himself was simple. He typically took a jog around the community before the sun illuminated the streets. After, he'd shower before a dip into the coffee stash he'd been gifted by the overly friendly neighbor. She'd stopped by a few times to offer a helping hand and while his mind remained on a particular woman a few houses down, he'd welcomed the company. During his free time, he'd taken to helping people fix the odds and ends around their homes. Deanna had liked that part so much that she'd given him a job — one that meant he could earn his right to stay amongst them.

The day's venture had left him wandering the wooden floors of his home. There were no jobs to do and after days of a packed schedule, he was thankful for the break. It was the knock at his door that left the handyman with a raised brow. Was it the very neighbor who'd made a point of stopping by daily? Or did someone break something again and need his help? Fingers curled around the knob and in one swift pull, every bit of air locked up in his lungs. Liv. "Hey," he countered, a bit loss for words as he stood the open doorway, gaze locked on hers. After a moment, Shep cleared his throat and stepped back, nodding for the woman to step inside. "Can I get you anything? I make a mean cup of coffee." And by mean, he meant much stronger than he'd ever liked it before the world crumbled to shit. "I've got some cookies too. Got them for helping fix a mixer."

something old & something new

Sitting in the gazebo across the street from Shep's place, Liv sighed heavily to herself. She'd managed to successfully avoid the man for the first few weeks he'd been there; sure, she had seen him around the settlement and greeted him politely when they crossed paths, but she'd managed to avoid being alone with him. She's spent most of her time with the prison group or Daryl; he was still adjusting to the community himself, always finding himself more comfortable on the road or in the wild, and since they were the ones to go on hunts together most of the time (both at the prison and since coming to Alexandria) a sort of comfortability had grown between the two of them. Plus, spending time with the people from the prison helped give her an excuse to avoid Shep. She was still trying to adjust to the fact that the whole situation had been real. That he was actually here within the walls of her community. She was more than certain that he'd gotten sight of Anya more than a few times, it was inevitable in Alexandria, but he'd respected her wishes; he'd kept his distance, and Anya hadn't asked many questions. At least not beyond the standard 'who's that' questions that came up when new people joined the community.

But now Deanna wanted her to check in with him. Since she'd been the one to show him to his house and sort of introduce him to the community, Deanna thought it would be best if she were the one to check on him as well. She hadn't really told anyone that they knew each other before the break out - that would bring questions she wasn't ready for - but she didn't know if he'd done the same. She knew he wanted to start over, so maybe it was easier to pretend like they were strangers for his sake, too? Maybe she was fooling herself (she knew better, if she were being honest with herself), but that didn't mean she'd ever admit that particular thought.

Chewing her lower lip, she finally groaned softly and moved to get up. She'd been sitting there for at least twenty to thirty minutes, and she couldn't put it off all damn day. Crossing the street, she moved walked up the pavement leading to his front door before pausing at the door. The part of her that still remembered life with him caused her to involuntarily reach for the handle of his door, but she quickly stopped herself before she opened the door; just because she used to just let herself into his place didn't mean that still applied. Clearing her throat a bit, she took a step back before knocking on the door and turning back around to watch the people in the neighborhood until she heard the door open. "Hey," she said with a small smile as she turned back around to look up at the man.

[walkingdeadshep]

He felt the wild rhythm of his untamed heartbeat in every pulse point in his body. It was a familiar feeling in a way, but the fluttering in the pit of his stomach was one of the many missing pieces. Shaky hands found solace in the pockets of the worn pants he'd worn for days. It wasn't as if the compound had many options for changing, but standing beneath the roof of a home nicer than anything he'd ever known only made him far more aware of his current state. He peered down at the floorboards, half expecting faint blood stains or some proof that it wasn't as safe and cozy as it seemed, but he was met with nothing more than wood stain and a freshly polished surface.

"I understand." He choked out two words, his throat aching from the dryness that had settled there. Bullshitting his way through life had gotten him everywhere, but in the presence of Liv, he'd kept his spewing to a minimum. After all, it was as if she'd written the book on how he worked and what made him tic. Which, the longer he thought about it, the sicker he felt about his true reasoning for being there. One that she couldn't find out, but one that he couldn't simply ignore either.

Choosing to ignore the guilt, Shepley locked onto relief instead. She was alive and so was their daughter. For now, that could be enough. Lips parted to mutter another breath of understanding, but her smile merely caused every word to evade him. She was a mess, that was true. He'd clocked the blood beneath her nails the moment she'd walked through the door, but shock and every other emotion had sent him into emotional overdrive. He wondered, protectively so, what her job was within the big walls of the community Negan wanted for himself. Did she hunt? Did she kill the dead to ensure the walls remained untouched?

Clearing his throat, the male nodded nervously, hands still forced inside of his pockets. If he pulled them out and fidgeted, she'd be the one to clock him. "Take as much as you need." He nipped at the inside of his cheek, a faint smile pulling on his own mouth as he looked back at her. "Go get some food, take that shower, and," he started, their daughter's name dancing on the tip of his tongue. As much as he wanted to say something about her, he didn't. "Try to get some sleep."

The anger that had been vibrating through her slowly ebbed away as the truth came out about everything that he had been through in the last few years. There had been a time that when she'd been that mad, there was no one who could actually calm her down outside of him. He would have wrapped her in his ironclad grip and held her close, his voice calm as he talked to her quietly, refusing to let her go until the rage inside dissipated. And she had done the same for him; sometimes it was probably comical seeing her in all of her 5'5" glory standing in front of him in all of his 6'5" ire, but it worked. They worked. He had been her rock. Her safe place. The only place she had truly felt safe.

And then he'd left. She been devastated, but she'd learned to live without him. She and her siblings learned the hard way that they couldn't depend on him the way they had been previously. But they had adjusted. It had taken a little time, but they adjusted to life without him. And then he came back. He apologized for just disappearing. She made him work for it, obviously, but it didn't take long for him to earn her trust back. She'd been upset, but she hadn't changed a whole lot. She was still the same girl he'd known growing up. His cherry bomb.

Then the world ended. Then he disappeared. Again. Only this time, he'd left her to defend for herself and their daughter in a world where literally everything wanted to eat them. And now? A little more time had passed than the last time he'd been gone, but unlike before - she'd changed. She'd had to change if she wanted to survive. The new world had made her a little colder to outsiders - which, let's face it, he was now - and far less trusting of anyone outside of her group. The people who had taken her in without question, taught her to fight and defend her daughter, taught her to hunt and just generally survive this world. The people who had morphed into her new family in a world where she'd been alone.

If he expected to see the same person standing in front of him that he'd known before, the same firecracker that he'd fallen in love with years ago, then he was sorely mistaken. She was certain he could see the wariness in her eyes, but it couldn't be helped. She had missed him, obviously, but things had changed. Circumstances had kept them apart, and then the world had made sure they stayed that way. Until now at least.

The silence between them was practically suffocating, and Liv found herself oddly grateful when he started speaking again. She couldn't help the brief scoff that escaped her lips when he stated that he knew she didn't trust him, but nodded a little as he clarified that he would never hurt either of them. He wasn't wrong. While she believed his story about being kept away from her, and she believed that he would never hurt herself or their daughter, that didn't make her trust him. That didn't make her walls come crashing down. She'd spent years building the walls around her heart, and it wasn't like they were going to break just because he'd reappeared. Hell, if anything, they'd get even higher now that he was around; she couldn't just ignore that voice in the back of her head saying he was just going to disappear again. She couldn't ignore the thought that he was just going to leave again so there was no reason to let him back into their lives; at least, not enough so that his leaving would hurt their daughter.

Running a hand through her hair, she sighed quietly as he begged her to let him try to regain her trust. She shook her head a little in response, putting another small step between them as the thoughts in her head kept screaming at her. Her head was swarming; she wanted to trust him, she wanted him back in her life, their daughter deserved to know her father; but at the same time, she didn't want to suffer the same heartbreak she'd already been through twice. She didn't want to expose her daughter to that kind of pain. "I..." she sighed a bit before running her hands over her face. "I don't know, Shep." She paused for a moment before continuing. "I...I need time. And space. I-I've spent the last few years thinking one thing, and now you say it's not true - and I believe you - but that...that doesn't just fix everything," she said as she looked up at him. "Those emotions...that anger, that mistrust...it doesn't just go away." She sighed heavily before shaking her head again. "I need food. And sleep. And a shower," she commented as she looked at her hands, dirt and dried blood caked under her nails from the expedition she'd been on. "From the looks of it, you could probably use one too," she teased with the smallest of smiles on her lips. It was probably the first time she'd smiled at him since he'd come back.

"Just...just give me some time, okay?"

[walkingdeadshep]

He was familiar with the anger that rattled her bones. In another life, he would have wrapped his strong arms around her and held her against his chest until the fire died within her. That was the kind of love and support they'd always found with one another. No one else quite understood, but Shep had never cared. At the end of every long day, the only person he'd ever looked to for comfort was the woman standing before him now, looking back at him like he were a ghost of her past. In so many ways, he was, wasn't he?

Shepley studied her features, his shoulders falling as he watched her temper subside into something else entirely. Was it disappointment? Sadness? Regret? Perhaps it was a bit of all three and then some. She was justified to feel whatever she wanted, but what he wouldn't allow was for her to believe that he'd ever stopped caring or that anything else in the world mattered more than she and their daughter did.

A breath hitched in his throat, her clarification causing tears to spill onto his tanned and dirt dusted cheeks. She was alive? Anya was alive? He parted his lips to speak, but a hum of emotion was the only thing that clawed it's way out of his dry throat. If she was alive, and clearly Liv was alive, then perhaps it wasn't too late. Perhaps he'd stumbled through those big metal walls just in time?

Guilt riddled him and a twisting feeling formed in the pit of his stomach. He knew what happened to Negan's men who went off and betrayed him. He'd watched first hand as scalding metal was pressed into their faces, as their wives were taken for Negan's own pleasure. His fists tightened at his sides for a moment, knuckles ghosting white before his gaze landed back on Liv. He could figure it out. He could protect them without posing more of a threat.

As quickly as Negan had entered his mind, the man was forced out of it, replaced with the news that his daughter was somewhere within those walls. "I understand if you don't trust me." It wasn't an if, she'd made it clear that she didn't and he couldn't blame her. He'd been gone for years, leaving her to fend not only for herself, but their child. "But I promise you, I would never do anything to hurt either of you."

The man lifted a hand to his face, swiping away the tears that had left streaks along his cheeks, pushing away the dirt that had settled there. "Let me work on your trust again, Liv. Let me... let me try." He was pleading with the woman he'd never thought he would have to do life without, but then again, he'd never prepared for something as dangerous as an outbreak of flesh eating walkers. "Just tell me what to do and I'll do it."

While she knew that she was angry, honestly Liv had never imagined that she was quite as angry with Shep as she was. She had thought she'd gotten past the anger and upset she felt towards what had happened when Shep left; what his abandoning of them had brought into their lives. But with each punch and push against his chest, she felt those old emotions raging out of her all over again. She had spent years thinking that he had left them in the rearview without so much as a second thought, and - whether it was his fault or not - it had led to them being attacked.

After what felt like hours - but in reality had only been a few minutes - she finally took a step back, breathing heavily as the strength drained from her body. She wanted nothing more than to shove him out of the house, out of Alexandria's compound, but she knew she couldn't do that. But that didn't mean she had to make his life there easy. He'd abandoned them and never looked back, so why should she give him a second thought? Especially when his actions had put their daughter in danger.

The words that spilled from his lips had been the last thing she expected, though. There was a side of her that doubted what he was saying. How had he looked for her every single day and not found her? It's not like she had moved from where they'd been staying until a few weeks had passed since he left. And the group at the prison that she'd found safety and family with hadn't left the area until roughly six to seven months ago. They weren't hard to find, especially with all of the bloodshed that had been spilled between their group and The Governor's group; and even if he had been taken out of the state and couldn't find her - the ruckus caused when The Wolves invaded hadn't exactly been quiet. They had only just managed to finish rebuilding the walls of the community and things were finally starting to get back to normal.

And then Shep walked back into her life.

Olivia listened as he talked about how he'd tried to find his way back to them, and she could tell that he'd spent years thinking they'd been dead. Blaming himself for it. And as much as she hated it, a part of her heart softened a little. But as he took a step towards her, she immediately took a step back from him. She could still feel sympathy for him and still not trust him. Still not want to let him get close to her again. She swallowed hard as she watched the emotions on his face, talking about how he'd finally found her but it had been too late. She was momentarily confused until she remembered that she'd allowed him to think that Anya was dead.

There was a part of her that wanted to let him think it. As a sort of penance for everything that they had been through. But at the same time, if he was telling the truth about being hauled away from them against his will then it wasn't his fault. The years of rage that she'd felt every time she'd thought of him were misplaced. And living in the same community, it wouldn't take long for him to realize that Anya was alive and well, anyway. Sighing heavily, she kept the distance between them, but decided to believe him when he said that he'd been looking for them.

"I never said she died," she remarked quietly into the silence that had built between them. "I said we weren't talking about her." She paused for a moment before shaking her head. "I-I still don't know if I want to talk about her," she said with another shake of her head, taking another small step away from him. "I still don't know if I believe you..."

[walkingdeadshep]

Letting her down had never been a part of the plan. Leaving hadn't been a part of it either, but outside forces had forced his hand time and time again. The more he wanted something, the more the universe was hellbent on keeping it from him. Evidence of this could be found in his earlier years, when he sacrificed his own freedom in an attempt to alter his father's destiny. Some of him had hoped that such a feat would make the elder O'Connell change his ways, but years passed and his drinking stayed the same.

Watching her walk out of the front door had stung more than he'd expected it to. He'd barely had a moments notice before she was storming back in, her hands finding their way to his chest as if it were their home. He welcomed the harsh push, welcomed the storm of anger that flowed through her veins and rolled off her tongue and thundered through her palms. It wasn't the conventional type of relief that washed over him, but nothing about their lives had ever been conventional in any sense.

Her words were sharper than any blade he'd ever faced. Shepley sucked in a sharp breath, his dark hues burning from the building tears that formed there. "I looked for you every single day," he admitted, voice strained as he choked back emotion. While under the roof of the compound, he'd held back so much. The less Negan knew about him and what he wanted, the better. He'd watched the man take and take, only giving the most valuable resources in return — a place to sleep, a job, and food. Trading in one's soul for any purpose at all was the trade off he and many others had made.

"I tried to find my way back. I didn't know where they'd taken me at first. I should have fought harder, I should have..." he trailed off, defeat heavy on his tongue. The run was supposed to be simple. He hadn't planned for anyone to get in his way and a naive part of him had thought that even if someone did try and stop him, he could smooth talk his way out of it. That part of him had been lost that day and replaced with a distrust that ran so deep, he'd done unthinkable things that made fitting in with Negan's crew seamless at times.

Shep took a single step forward, the wooden floor beneath his feet not making a single creak. It was odd going from cold cement everything to a furnished home like he'd seen in movies. "I did find you." His voice was stronger, but the ache in his chest had doubled. He'd found her, but their daughter? "Just not in time." He didn't want to believe it, but holding out hope only meant more heartache and if he didn't face it head on, he'd lose himself. "I'm sorry, Liv. I," he paused, the lump in his throat swallowed down, fists clenched at his sides, "I'm so fucking sorry."

This was not the way that she'd intended to have this conversation. If she were being honest, she hadn't really intended on having this conversation at all; she hadn't really considered that he would be interested in sticking around long enough for them to talk much at all. She hadn't banked on him wanting to actually stick around. Alexandria wasn't big enough for her to be able to regularly avoid him. And if she tried, people would definitely notice. Then they'd start asking questions. Questions that she didn't really want to answer.

All intentions had gone out the window though with every step she took away from the house. Instead of just keeping her composure - telling herself he wasn't staying, even if it was a lie - and walking away, her anger just kept growing with every step. Before she knew it, she was storming back into the house, slamming the door closed behind her, and laying into the man who'd broken her heart; hell, he'd almost broken her soul.

She could see that her words had shocked him, probably even cut deep, but she didn't stop. She couldn't stop. Years of anger and hurt that had been kept bottled up for their daughter's sake were just pouring out of her, and now she couldn't stop. Flashes of the night they'd been attacked were running through her mind. The men bursting into the apartment they were hiding in. The feel of rough hands grabbing at her, ripping clothes off of her. The strong smell of alcohol permeating her senses. The sound of Anya's screams piercing through everything followed by the deep screams of the man on top of her. The feel of thick, hot blood on her fingers. She'd never regretted her choices that night; they had kept Anya and herself safe and alive. But that didn't mean her actions hadn't left her with nightmares for months afterward.

Finally, all the energy had drained out of her. She was still vibrating with rage, but she couldn't bring herself to keep hitting him. She was panting quietly as he spoke about what had happened the night he left and didn't come back, her anger ebbing slightly as he explained that he didn't leave them by choice. She shook her head a little as his words sank in. No, he had to be lying. There was no way she'd spent the last few years furious with him because of a misunderstanding. No, there was no way.

And yet...the one thing that had always been true between them was the fact that he didn't lie to her. They didn't lie to each other. It was the one constant between them, even when he'd gone to prison. Granted, he hadn't told her he was going - he hadn't had time - but he'd never lied about it when he came back.

Then again, years had passed and the world had ended; who knew what kind of man he was now. For all she knew, he could have been telling her whatever he thought she wanted to hear with some sort of ulterior motive in mind. Maybe he had his own group of people, and they wanted Alexandria; honestly not a whole lot would have surprised her. But he looked sincere. He sounded sincere. He'd asked about Anya already several times, even when she'd let him think their little girl had been lost to this cruel, new world. Hell, she still hadn't even told him the little girl was alive.

Her brows furrowed together as emotions raged within her. "I wish I could believe you," she said with a shake of her head as she took a few steps away from him. "But you could have come look for me. For us. Especially if you missed us so much. But there were two whole fucking states between us apparently," she commented as she continued to make her way towards the door. There was a part of her that wanted nothing more than to get out of the house and away from him. To see her daughter. But her body was also betraying her in the sense that it wasn't really doing what she wanted it to. There was another part of her that didn't want to leave; as much as she hated to admit it, there was a part of her that had missed him. "You've been here this whole time. You knew where we were. You could have come back, but you didn't. So," she shook her head again as tears lined her eyes. "Don't tell me that we're the only reason you're still here. You could have come back. Could have found us. Before everything went even more to shit."

[walkingdeadshep]

Her comment hadn't gone without it's sting, but intentional or not, it was all too deserved. Timing had never been in his favor. If it wasn't one thing, it was another daring to drag him down and that never changed. In his teenage years, even with her by his side, the world had been cruel to him. His father, a man better known as the functioning alcoholic of town had drug him into the depths of hell. If his old man had gone down for the wrongful death of another, it would have meant being shipped off to foster care in a town too far away from Liv. So, when it came down to it, taking the fall was without question. He wouldn't be charged the same as his father, he'd serve his time in juvie, and he'd be back with her.

Except, it hadn't been that simple. They'd charged him as an adult, but with the charge having been his first (official trouble, of course), they'd booked him for the minimum sentence. In and out, they'd said, but nothing being stuck behind bars felt like quick work. It was tough and to make matters worse, he hadn't had Liv to help him survive it. It had just been him, a few unlucky souls, and asshole guards who made a living off shaping him into a decent young man.

He welcomed the silence between them and focused on the occasional crunch of loose gravel beneath his worn boots. The neighborhood was everything he'd once hated — uniform, uppity, and nuclear-feeling. How was everything so perfect in a world where outside of those walls, nothing else matched. It was as if it was it's own world. One where chaos had been tamed, or had it been ignored? What would the people within those walls do if trouble ever made it's way in? Were they prepared? Or had they been spoiled by their fortunes? When she spoke again, Shep offered another nod. During his interrogation, or as they put it,interview, he'd spoken up about his usefulness. Before the fall of the whole world, he'd been a mechanic, a damn good one at that. His skills weren't limited to cars or bikes. If something was broken, it was his life's mission to prove that it could be fixed — that he could fix it. The only problem was that many people weren't willing to him the chance. With a record like his, every place with any set of standards turned him away. He was a risk, they'd all claimed, but one shop took a chance on him. It wasn't the best paying gig in the world, but it was steady hours and a chance. Much like that shop, the community had opted to take a chance on him. The only downer? He wasn't so deserving this time.

His heart dropped into his stomach as the inner workings of the home was revealed to him. It was everything he'd never had, causing a bitter streak to course through his veins. The furniture looked new, the floors were clean, and the unfamiliar smell of home filled his head. He followed along in silence as she walked through the home like a realtor pitching the perks of the new place. It was everything he'd ever wanted for the two of them, just years too late and in a world where it didn't really matter.

"Goodnight," he called out, tongue swiftly pressing into his cheek. The compound didn't offer silence, but this home? It was too quiet. Quiet enough that he could hear himself think and for once, he wanted to do anything but such a thing.

As if his silent prayers were answered, the door swung open, but the loud thud of it slamming had barely reached his ears by the time her hands had fallen against his chest, knocking him back a couple of steps. His hands went up, his heartbeat in this throat. "What the fuck," he exhaled in exhaustion, her temper having always been his favorite and least favorite thing about her. As she stormed on, he accepted the second wave of frustration, but this time, stayed in place. Would she even believe him if he told her the truth?

Her final statement pulled him from the slump he'd fallen into. Her questions were valid, but him bragging about her being a hot piece of ass? Where had she gotten that? "Look," he breathed, voice shaky, "I went out for that run and I ran into some people, alright? I didn't really see their faces, but they got the best of me and when I came to, I was in the middle of nowhere. I wandered for a couple of days and then this group found me. They to-told me that they could help me find you again, but I never called you anything." Let alone bragged about it.

Confusion, frustration, defeat... it all battled within him. "I didn't leave you. I wanted to be there. Seeing the two of you again... it's the only reason I'm still here." Without that hope, without that desire... he was nothing.

"It really wasn't. I was always comfortable there," she remarked with a shrug. "Even if life was shitty, at least I knew where I stood." It hadn't been a jab at him or anything of the sort; it had just been the reality. She'd never dared to dream about living in a community like this because she knew it just wasn't in her future. There was no way in hell she'd ever be able to afford a community like this in their old life, so she hadn't even thought about it. Despite that, though, she'd also never let it stop her from going after what she wanted. She would do what she had to in order to provide for her family. The walk in silence was honestly just what she needed after the long week she'd had. The hoarde that she and Daryl had just barely avoided had made her long to get back to the safety within the walls of Alexandria. To hug her daughter. But as much as she hated to admit it, being in Shep's presence calmed her as much as it angered her. It always had. They'd been so engrained in each other's lives for so long that she automatically felt herself calm a little whenever he was near, even if she was pissed at him and couldn't really bring herself to trust him completely. There was a side of her that wanted to trust him. He'd been the one constant in her life since they were teenagers; the one person she could always trust until he left. Even if she did understand why he left the first time ─ after he'd explained himself when he finally came back ─ the fact that he'd left at all had shaken her confidence. In him, in herself. In pretty much everything. She'd finally started letting her walls back down and allowing herself to really fall in love with him again when the world ended, and he disappeared again; she had realized, though, that despite how angry she was at him, there had been a part of her that had expected it. It was as if she'd been holding her breath, waiting for him to leave when things got hard again (even if that wasn't why he'd left the first time, it had been what she thought until he showed back up), and when he'd disappeared...well, that had just confirmed she couldn't lean on anyone but herself. She'd finally started feeling safe again at the prison when the Governor took that away; so now, she never felt truly safe. She was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. It was partly why she found it so hard to trust people, especially in this new era of life. Liv nodded a little when he remarked about being glad that she had found this place to keep herself and their daughter safe; she hadn't confirmed Anya was alive, but that could wait until she knew whether or not she could trust the man to actually stick around. Though, she couldn't ignore the tug on her heart at the thought of him believing his daughter was dead; the way he'd talked about spending every day looking for them made her question her own anger at him. There was that lingering question: why would you spend every day searching for people you chose to leave? She brushed the question off, though, and refused to linger on it; if he really did want to stay like he said he wanted to, he'd find out she was alive as soon as the sun came up.

Crossing the street with a soft sigh, she came to a stop in front of a large house with dark shutters, turning on her heel at the curb to look at him when he started that he'd leave if she really wanted him to. She chewed her lower lip for a moment, wondering if he really would leave if she told him to, but ultimately she wasn't about to tell him to leave. As angry as she was with him for leaving her, she wasn't about to force him out of the community. It was one of the only safe places left in a world that was filled with nothing but dangers. "You don't have to leave," she commented with a shake of her head. "I'm sure Deanna could find something for you to do." Turning away from him, she walked up to the front door of the home and pulled the key she'd been given from her pocket. Unlocking the door and opening it, she stepped inside and flipped the light switch, illuminating the living room. "The house is fully furnished. It was some sort of community they were setting up before the world fell, so it's got most of the basics. Maybe not on the clothes front, but I'm sure you'll have other people offering spare clothes until someone else goes on a run. Glenn can pretty much find anything you need," she said with a nod as she stepped further into the foyer. "You'll have to wash them by hand, but that's not a whole lot different than what w-you're used to." She gave him a brief tour, showing him the kitchen and living room areas, and letting him know the fridge and cabinets were stocked with the basic foods, but if he needed anything specific they had a stockpile of food he could explore tomorrow. Leading him up the stairs, she showed him the three rooms in the upstairs of the house. "Since it's just you, obviously you have the pick of the litter when it comes to bedrooms," she commented with a shrug. There wasn't a whole lot to show when it came to upstairs beyond the upstairs bathroom and the bedrooms, so when they went back downstairs, she showed him the backyard as well, letting him know that the group she came with was living in two of the houses across from him so if he ever needed anything or if something felt off, he could trust them. He could trust all of the people in Alexandria, as far as she knew, but her group were the ones she trusted the most. Once they'd gone back inside, and the tour was over, she gave him a brief nod before letting him know that she was going to head back to her own place so she could pass out.

She made it exactly six steps out of the front door, closing it behind her, before she stopped walking. Tapping her foot on the ground, she internally debated with herself about whether she really wanted to push the issue. He wanted to give Alexandria a shot. He probably wanted a chance to start over - who knew what the fuck he'd been through in the years they'd been apart - so did she really want to dredge up the past? "Fuck," she murmured to herself before turning around and stomping back up to the door. Throwing the door open, she kicked it shut behind her before walking up to him. "How could you do that to me? To your daughter," she exploded, shoving him as the familiar fire ignited in her eyes, all the questions she'd been wondering over the years spilling out. "You promised you'd never leave again, and okay yeah maybe I was fucking stupid for believing you again," she shoved him again as she ranted. "But silly me I thought you meant it. I thought we meant more than that to you. I thought all the shit we'd been through would have meant more than that. So how the fuck could you do that to us?! And why?! Was it really that hard being with us?" She stepped away from him after a moment, panting slightly and still fuming but not wanting to start some sort of physical fight with him; or maybe a part of her did want to, but she didn't have energy after all that she'd been through in the last week or so on her last hunt. "And I never took you to be the kind of man that would brag about some 'hot piece of ass' that you were traveling with, but I guess you're going to tell me I'm wrong about that too?" she asked, practically vibrating with emotion; there may have been venom in her words, but the hurt in her eyes was far more prominent. She might have killed the men (she thought) he'd bragged to, done her best to put them out of her mind in the last few years, but she never forgot the vile shit they said or the shit they tried to do. The shit they'd almost succeeded in doing.

[walkingdeadshep]

The anger would have stung more if he hadn't of known what it truly meant. It was the only thing that had kept him from crumbling to the ground beneath him when she shot venom in his direction. Anger meant that she cared and against her pointed threat, it meant that there was a chance. A chance for what? His own arrogance wasn't steep enough to consider. For all he knew, she'd found a place for herself and for their daughter, one that was strong, safe, and sustainable for a life close to what they'd always wanted for themselves. Except, the bitter truth was that in a world where the dead weren't walking... they'd never find themselves in a neighborhood so nice. Two, three, four bedroom houses? Pipe dreams for two people like them, doomed from the start. And yet, there they were, both with their own places in a community not so out of reach after all. A community that he'd been sent in to betray. His heart thundered against his ribcage with every step he took. It was natural to peer over his shoulder every couple of seconds, an occasional look being cast her way in between safety checks. It was her voice that soothed the rambling in his veins and while she spoke, he kept his gaze trained on her. He could learn the rest of the community another day. "Never was your thing," he countered effortlessly and with a small grin that faded as easily as it had appeared. Growing up, nothing had felt like his thing until she'd given him the confidence to try. As for her, he'd always stood by in awe as she took on the world around her. Just like, she'd been dealt a shitty hand from the start, but she'd never let it consume her, never let it take over and control the moves she made. Hot water, electricity... prison? His brows furrowed and a hand lifted, but fell back at his side. What she'd done to survive, what she'd done to protect their daughter from the world and all the terrible things in it... did he deserve to know? "I'm glad you found this place." The question still lingered in the air. Where was Anya? Was she there? Was she safe? Or had Liv healed from the greatest loss anyone could ever experience. "It's... something." He didn't believe in perfect. It didn't exist. Everything and every place had flaws of some sort, but what were the flaws of this community? How could they afford the resources to strangers? Why would they take in people who could so easily betray them? He'd passed their test with ill-intent and yet, no one had really batted an eye in his direction before deciding he could join them. Shepley lifted his head, chin tilting upwards towards the star studded sky in agreement. It was as normal as normal could get. "Look, if you want me to leave, I can leave, but," he trailed off, throat dry and voice heavy. He couldn't leave without answers and if he tried, he knew what wrath awaited him. "I want to give this place a shot."

She didn't answer his question when he asked if that's what she really thought of him; instead, she just gave him a very pointed look that just say 'what else am I supposed to think?'. There had been a time when she never would have thought he'd abandon them. A time when she relied on him to keep sanity in the chaos that was her homelife. For the first time in her life, she'd finally allowed herself to lean on someone else. And then he left. She'd thought he returned the feelings she had for him, and they could take on the world together. They could handle whatever life threw at them as long as they stuck together. And then he bailed. He had decided being a father was too much or too hard or whatever bullshit excuse he had given when he left and - for a moment - her world stopped. His leaving had thrown everything upside down and into even more chaos than usual. She no longer had the person she'd been able to lean on when she needed help with her siblings. Her siblings no longer had the man around that they'd grown so attached to.

His leaving just cemented what she had always feared in the back of her mind: everyone would always leave. When he came back just before Anya's first birthday, it had taken her a long time to trust he was there to stay. Even though she let him back into her life, letting herself fall for him again, there had always been that question in the back of her mind. Would he really stay or would he leave again? She'd chosen to believe him when he said he wasn't going to leave her again, and then suddenly she was alone. Again. Left feeling like a complete fool for allowing herself to believe what he said.

Stepping out into the cool night air, Olivia paused in the center of the street and closed her eyes for a brief moment, letting out a long sigh as she waited for him to follow her out of the jail area. 'You are not going down this road again,' she told herself as she tried to calm herself down. The pull towards the man was still there, honestly it probably always would be, but there was no way she was going to be drawn into that again. For her own sanity, but also for Anya. The little girl was only four years old, but she'd already been through so much. The whole damn world had ended less than two years after she was born, and she'd known nothing but violence and danger. The last thing she wanted to do was let her get attached to someone who was just going to leave again. She wouldn't let herself fall down that rabbit hole of disappointment.

Turning around as she heard the door behind her open, she nodded her head to indicate for him to follow her before walking down the street. The walk itself would probably take five to ten minutes, depending on how fast they walked. They walked in silence for a little bit until they reached the end of the street and she turned towards the lake, heading towards the white house on the corner of the following block. Looking over at him as he asked how the places had water and power, she shrugged just a little. "To be honest, I'm not 100% sure of the science of it. You know me and science," she commented with a small shrug. "Deanna and Reg said that the community was built to be self-sustaining before the virus broke out. So they have their own solar panels to provide power and cisterns that hold a metric shit ton of water, and some kind of sewage filtration system. I have no idea what most of it meant beyond the solar panels and water tanks, but there's hot water and electricity, and after all the shit that went down at the prison...that's more than good enough for me," she remarked with a shrug as they walked.

When he asked how long they'd been there, she honestly wasn't sure. It felt like they'd been there for years; that's how quickly they'd settled into the community. In reality, she was pretty sure it'd only been a month or two. She was quiet for a moment while she thought about it before shaking her head. "I'm honestly not sure. It's not like we have a calendar or anything," she shrugged. "A month? Month and a half? Two? I don't know, it can't have been more than three months...I don't think at least." Her brows furrowed together in confusion as she spoke about how long they'd been there. In the short time they'd been there, Anya had grown like a damn tree. They had clocks, alarm clocks, and the like, but she had no idea how much time had passed since the world went to shit in the first place. It felt like forever. "But yes, it means a lot to me. It's some semblance of normalcy in this new, fucked up world. For now, at least." She didn't know if the group would ever truly feel safe anywhere - they'd let their guard down at the prison - but this was a good place to start again. For however long they still had there.

[walkingdeadshep]

Her harsh counter struck every chord of emotion within him. Had she thought so lowly of him? Thought that he'd leave without a care in the world? His shoulders dipped in defeat and jaw clenched to combat the overflow of pain that shot through his chest. He hadn't left by choice, unlike the first time around. His fears had driven him away, but the second time? It had been entirely out of his control and every moment after had been spent trying to find them. He'd done things to survive for them, not for himself. He'd submitted to violence when it was the last thing he wanted. Every tough decision, every morally fucked route he'd ventured on, it was all an attempt to find his family again. "Is that what you think?" He could have spilled the truth. He could have told her about the attack, about the cruel strangers that had led him into the middle of nowhere to die. They'd taken the supplies he'd found, his knife, his water. He would have given them everything if it had meant staying put, but that hadn't been good enough. To the strangers, he was a threat and threats in a world as cold as this one weren't acceptable. He studied her hardened look for a few short seconds before he forced his gaze elsewhere. He couldn't bear the look of her anger and the way she seemed so frustrated by his existence. There was a time that he knew she'd never hurt him. Just like he would have never hurt her, no matter what it was she did. He would have burned the entire world down for the woman, but now, he was the thing she was willing to burn to save the world. A nip at the inside of his cheek left the taste of metal on his tongue. He should have expected such loyalty to flow through her veins. Hell, if he had stumbled upon Alexandria over the Saviors, perhaps he would have felt the same way. It was worth protecting, hence why Negan wanted it so badly. The man hadn't said it, but Shepley had saw the glimmer of selfish desire in the man's eyes as he spoke of the place. Lips parted to argue her half-assed response, but he swallowed down the pleas and followed her into the cool air of the night. His flannel, a size too small, but at least clean did little to combat the breeze. It was the first time he'd been out and about within the walls and truth be told, it was tough to take in. This was the kind of community that Shep wouldn't have touched before the fall. Even if he'd wanted to, he never could have afforded it. He was a mechanic, not a suit. "How do these places have water? Have power?" It was obvious the settlement was far more advanced than the compound, but he never could have guessed the beauty within. The finely painted homes, the front porch swings... it was as if the fall of the world hadn't touched the inside of the walls. "How long have you been here?" He shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans, an attempt at keeping his hands at bay while they walked. She'd spot his nervous tell in an instant through his fiddling fingers and the last thing he needed was another reason to cast doubt. "I can see why it means so much to you." Within those walls, they were safe, but a part of him feared what would happen if those walls ever fell. It was a fairytale, one that could shift into a story of horrors if they weren't careful.

"Then maybe you should have stuck around instead of leaving. Again," she snapped as he stated that he just needed to know that Anya was okay.

The anger dissipated momentarily as soon as she said the words, and she closed her eyes for a moment. It was harsh, but she couldn't deny that she felt that way about it. If he hadn't left them behind to do god-knows what, maybe things would have been different. Or maybe they'd be exactly the same as they were now, with Rick's group still being found, but at least they would have been together. Anya would have grown up with a father instead of uncle-figures.

There was a moment where she considered giving in and just telling the man that Anya was alive, especially hearing the desperation in his voice. As angry as she was, there was a side that wanted to let him know everything he'd missed. Let him know that the girl was the smartest, most beautiful little girl that she'd ever seen, and he hadn't had a single thing to do with it. The girl was only four, but she was such a ray of sunshine that it was hard to ever be upset with her - even when the girl was being a 'demon child' as Daryl would call her from time to time. Olivia had to be proud, though; the little girl was pretty much a carbon copy of herself, which was hard sometimes since Olivia wasn't exactly easy to handle, but most of the time she was an angel. She just got a kick out of messing with Daryl; the stubborn man had been like an uncle to her daughter in the last few years.

Olivia sighed a bit before looking over at him; the fury in her eyes was evident, but she couldn't ignore the tug on her heart. She thought she'd moved on, but apparently not. A part of her resolve crumbled, but it came back as soon as he questioned whether or not she'd kill him. It brought her back to the fact that ultimately this was about her daughter. Keeping that little girl safe was her primary focus; it always had been. It had to be, especially in this sort of fucked up world. "If I had to...if you were the reason any of them got hurt? Yes." Her voice was firm, but honestly, deep down, she didn't know if it was true or not; that didn't mean she wasn't going to let the threat linger. If he was the reason something ever happened to Anya or if her safety was put into jeopardy, she didn't know if she could ever actually forgive him.

Her brows furrowed as she locked eyes with him, wondering what the hell he was talking about. How the fuck was she supposed to believe that he'd wondered about their well-being in this hell when he was the one who left them? Had he been carrying around guilt since he left? Guilt for leaving them? No, there was no way that was it. He'd left. They'd stayed for a week and a half waiting for him to come back only to be attacked by people who obviously knew exactly where to find them. No, this had to be some part of whatever plan he was cooking up. She'd made the mistake of trusting him once, she didn't know if she could do it again; if she trusted him, and he left them again, she didn't know if she'd actually survive that. Let alone the kind of damage it would do to Anya.

"Sure you have," she remarked with a heavy sigh and shaking her head a little. "Let's just go," she commented before opening the door and walking out of it, heading up the steps to the main street of the settlement before he could say something else to make her stay behind and doubt the validity of her own anger. "They placed you in the house across the street from Jessie and her sons," she commented as she pointed across the lake. The jail was located in the basement of the third condo setup, but the house itself was on the corner of the next block over. She was just grateful it wasn't next door to herself and Anya; that would be a little harder to explain. She hadn't exactly told Anya that he'd died or anything, even if that's what she'd been assuming, but most of the people in her group knew that Anya's father was presumed dead. She could focus on that later, though. For now, she would take him to the house they'd set up for him, and then go home for a damn shower; she was sure after being gone for a week with Daryl on this hunt-gone-wrong she didn't smell or look the best.

[walkingdeadshep]

Forgiveness in a world where the unimaginable was always possible was a fickle thing. He knew the moment he'd come to in the middle of godforsaken nowhere that he'd betrayed her again, though this time had been entirely out of his control. At times, he'd tried to convince himself otherwise. Had he not fought hard enough? Had he let his own guard down because his daughter had softened him to the core? "Please," he exhaled beneath his breath. His gaze lingered on the woman who held all of the answers. The anger that swirled in her emerald hues was nothing short of venomous. If looks could kill, he would have been six feet under years ago. "I just need to know if she's okay." It wasn't much of an ask, unlike the questions and pleas that still danced atop his serpent tongue. He wanted to see her, wanted to hold her, wanted to reassure her that he'd never forgotten, but he was willing to settle for confirmation that one day, maybe he could do all of that. Shep had imagined finding them too many times to count. Sometimes it was all that kept him alive in a world overrun by the dead. Her anger, the sharpness in her voice, it didn't scare him. "You'd kill me?" He wasn't certain that he wanted the answer, but the question had clawed itself from his raspy throat before he'd had the chance to swallow it back down. The creak of the door triggered an irregular beat within his chest. If they walked out before he said anything more, he wasn't sure he'd ever get the chance to say another word at all. He stood with a baited breath as she let it fall shut once more, offering them solace in a place that felt oddly normal. Everything so far about Alexandria had felt normal. "What's that supposed to mean? I have spent every single day wondering if you and Anya were safe," he admitted, gaze locked onto deep green's that had sent him to his knees countless times. Since the moment he'd met her, he'd loved her with every fiber of his being and yet, he'd fumbled chances at happiness out of fear of losing it. It's safe here. Was it wanted he wanted to hear? Sure, but he knew Negan and he knew what his venture within the walls meant. The safety, the order, the group that had settled there... Negan would take it all. Or would he? Perhaps there was a chance that sour intel would prevent the man from striking. To give anything at all meant leaving again, a thought that caused his stomach to knot. The male lifted a hand to his beard, fingers brushing against the roughness of the unkempt beard. "Sure," he finally submitted out of frustration. He'd been told the homes had hot water and everything he'd need to settle in. "Lead the way."

The quiet admission that he hadn't known she was in the compound was enough to make her pause in her steps as she started to leave the area. It sounded genuine. Then again, he always sounded genuine. From the moment he told her he'd never leave again right up until he went out for supplies and never came back. Leaving her on her own with a toddler who was just barely two in a world determined to destroy both of them. She's had to learn how to protect them the hard way - on her own and in real-world situations. She was honestly lucky that they'd made it long enough to stumble across the prison and Rick's group. As much as there was a side of her that wanted to believe him, she knew better than most that just because he sounded genuine didn't mean he had shown up at Alexandria with anything more than questionable intentions. "We're not talking about her," she snapped as she turned back around to look at him. She may have been angry enough to physically hurt him, but there was still a large part of her that held feelings for them. Even if they were soured by his actions, they were still there. That didn't mean she had to give him information about their daughter, though. Anya was fine, of course, but if her refusal to talk about the girl let him think otherwise, then that was fine with her. If he was going to stay here, he'd find out that Anya was just fine, but for now he could suffer the same way she had. The constant fear of causing her daughter's death had haunted her non-stop before she found the prison. Even though she knew that she could never physically hurt him, emotional damage would do for now. He was the one who had left them. She'd stayed behind in that stupid, shitty apartment that had been their shelter for nearly a week and a half after his 'supply run', telling herself that he wouldn't just leave like that. That he wouldn't abandon them in this cruel world. Until men had burst into the apartment, at least. Talking about a 'fresh piece of ass' that they'd heard about. The was the first time she'd ever had to kill someone, but in the years that had passed it hadn't been the last. She honestly didn't think she'd ever forget Anya's screams that day. She liked to think she knew him well enough that he wouldn't have told someone where to find her, but she didn't think he'd leave either. She narrowed her eyes at him a little when he said that he wasn't there to hurt anyone; she wanted to believe him, but she couldn't let herself. For Anya. She considered Rick and the others family, even the residents of Alexandria were important to her, but she would put Anya above all of them if it meant the little girl would survive. "Fine, you're not here to hurt anyone. But the threat still stands," she said, shrugging a little. She was trying to seem indifferent to his presence, but he knew her better enough to feel the anger radiating off of her; probably to even see the hurt underneath it all. "Now come on," she remarked before turning back around to leave once more. Pulling the door that led outside open, she stopped again as he asked her to wait. She sighed heavily as she turned back around to look at him with a less than enthused expression on her face, letting the door close again. She really wanted nothing more than to show him to the house they'd set up for him across the street from Jessie and Pete's house; or...well, it used to be Jessie and Pete's house, but since Rick had executed Pete in the chaos of the meeting, things had changed a bit. "What?" she asked with a raised brow. She wasn't expecting him to ask about her safety, about whether or not she was genuinely safe in this place and if she trusted them. "You suddenly care about whether or not I'm safe?" she asked with a raised brow. "Yes, I trust them. I may not know all of them as well as I could, but I trust my group. It's safe here. Now can we go?"

[walkingdeadshep]

[walkingdeadshep]

The fall of everything hadn't hit as hard as it had others. While some were fortunate enough to never want for anything in their lives, Shep felt like all he'd ever done was want for everything. The unstable roof over his head as a child had meant finding shelter wherever he could. It meant finding food on his own during the times his father was unable to support him. It was a hell of a lot like the end of it, except flesh eating dead hadn't wandered between house to house. His only worries had been for his daughter and for the woman who'd chosen to stick beside him, despite his cowardly decisions. Shepley had wanted nothing more than to protect them from the cruel world and the dead that didn't stay dead, but like everything else in his life, nothing went to plan. It should have a simple run, one that he could have done blindfolded. A few blocks from the apartment they were holed up in and nothing but the dead between them and medicine from a small pharmacy. The flaw in the plan? Someone else had the same idea and sharing wasn't caring in a world where resources were quickly dwindling. The exchange lasted no more than fifteen minutes, but when Shep came too, the bag over his head and the rough handling from men on either side of him were signs that he'd failed. Uncertain of where they'd taken him, he'd begged and pleaded for answers. One beating after another, he'd been denied every request. Whether it was boredom or something bigger than that, they'd dropped him in the middle of nowhere with nothing but the clothes on his back. The hunting knife he'd welded was long gone and so was his sanity. Days turned into weeks and weeks into months and before he knew it, a solid year had passed. And then came Negan. Did he believe in the Saviors? No. Were they his best chance to finding Liv and Anya? They were. They had resources, a secure compound, and a system. It wasn't flawless, but it was a roof over his head and security. If his morality was the price he paid for a shot at finding them, he'd give every ounce of it. As quickly as relief had flooded his veins, regret and frustration trickled in behind it. His game? She knew him. Well, she'd known him. Would she spot a lie? Or had the cold world finally beaten him into submission, leaving nothing but skin and bones and a voice he barely recognized most days. "I didn't know," he admitted, his gaze locked onto the woman he would have given his life for. Even after years of separation, he still would have. "I didn't know you were here. Liv, is she?" Her threat should have cut like a knife, but it didn't. He nodded in understanding and stayed firm in place, even after she'd turned away from him. Clearly she had made a home in the settlement known as Alexandria. He couldn't blame her for wanting to protect it. Running water, food, supplies, safety? It was no wonder Negan wanted intel on the place. It was far comfy and secure than the compound they'd settled into. "I'm not here to hurt anyone." And it was the truth. Was he there to spy? Sure, but he wasn't there to hurt anyone. "Just wait," he pleaded, voice hoarse as he took a couple of steps forward. "Do you really trust these people? Trust this place?" With Negan, it wasn't trust that kept him there. There were nights where he refused to close his eyes because of high tensions at the compound and what Negan was known to do when things weren't going his way. He'd watched terrible things, but from all that he'd witnessed in Alexandria in the short time he'd been there, it didn't seem like they were the type. "You're safe?"

The last thing Olivia had ever expected was for the whole goddamn world to go to hell. Life hadn't exactly been pleasant growing up, but it hadn't been hell either. Her parents had been one of the wealthiest families in the state, inheriting their fortune from generations of wealth, and her parents had leaned into it heavily. Neither she nor her siblings ever wanted for anything, but they also were pure carbon copies of their parents. For a time, at least. Her father was never home, always off on one various business trip or another, but her mother never left her or her brother alone.

Olivia had always had a quiet rebelliousness inside of her growing up, but she always did what was expected of her. That was, at least, until her dreams of being a professional figure skater were dashed when she was just 17. The injury that ended her career made Nancy Kerrigan's injury look like child's play. She'd been jumped outside the arena one night after practice, and the injuries she was left with ended her career. They broke both of her legs in several places, fractured a hip, and broke one of her arms. Her mother abandoned her to her physical therapy and rehab, but with her future having gone up in flames Liv was left to her own devices.

The recovery had taken forever, and her parent's more-or-less rejection of her only strengthened the rebellious streak within her, and that's exactly how she found herself pregnant years later after being with someone her parents completely objected to. Their objection to Shep had only made her like him more, but it wasn't long before she actually fell for him. When they found out she was pregnant, things had exploded for a while. He was there, he was gone, he was back again. When she was sure that he wasn't going to leave again, that he wasn't going to abandon their daughter again, she finally allowed herself to lower her guard. She let him back into her heart.

Then the world went to shit and so did everything else.

She had thought she could depend on him, but before she knew it he was gone again. It was just her and Anya on their own, trying to survive in a world where the dead were literally still on their feet. She didn't exactly know how the hell she had survived with a two year old on her own, but it wasn't long before she'd stumbled across a little community that finally offered a sense of peace. They were living in a prison, but she didn't care. As soon as she met them, she knew she'd be safe with them. It wasn't long before she was asking to be able to do something for the community, and with the help of one of the members she learned how to shoot; she was oddly surprised by how good she was. She was good with a gun, but even better with a crossbow. Even a bow and arrow. She would regularly go out with Daryl searching for resources for the community, trusting the little community to take care of her daughter the same way they took care of Judith; they would fight to the death for the people they cared about, and she was grateful to know that she was one of those people.

Things at the prison were great for a while, until once again all hell had broken loose. Things were shaky for a while, including being captured by damn cannibals and nearly losing Anya in the process, but before she knew it they had found another safe haven. Except this one was an actual community. With actual walls. Hot water. Electricity. Food.

It wasn't the old world, but it was close enough. They finally had a chance to settle down. She could give Anya a semi-normal life. Once they'd finally settled down into life in Alexandria and she got to know some of the inhabitants, she offered to go out on recruitment trips whenever Aaron needed a break. Lately, though, she'd spent most of her time hunting and gathering for the group. This particular time, she and Daryl had been gone for over a week. They'd had to go the long way around because of a group of walkers, so it had taken a little longer than they'd expected; they had a fairly large assortment of dead animals and other vegetation, so the hunt had gone well, but she was exhausted. And she really wanted to see her daughter.

What she hadn't expected, though, was to be approached by one of the others about escorting the newest settlement member to his sleeping quarters. Apparently he had stumbled into their area, gone through the typical initiation process, and now they had been waiting for her or one of the other recruiters to get back so they could show him to the dwelling they'd secured for him. It just so happened that they would be passing his dwelling on the way to her own. She'd been happy to do so until she followed them down into the jail area and felt her heart stop in her chest. The smile that had been on her lips instantly fell.

He was the last fucking person she'd expected to see. Hell, she'd thought that he was dead. In her mind, she'd convinced herself that he'd abandoned them and then he'd died. The other person had almost instantly noticed the look on her face and asked if she was okay, and she let out a quiet sigh and nodded. "I'm fine, just tired. I'll take him. You can go," she said with a fake smile. As soon as the other person left, the fake smile dropped immediately and her eyes settled back onto Shep behind the bars. "What's your game here?" she snapped as she looked him up and down. "I don't for one second believe you're just 'looking for shelter'." She paused for a moment before throwing her hands up and shaking her head.

"You know what? No. I don't want to know. I don't care. Just know...if any of them get hurt because of you, I'll kill you myself," she remarked with a snarl before turning on her heel; she knew she probably seemed different, colder than she'd once been, but he'd been the one who left. He didn't get to question what a world filled with the walking dead and the dregs of humanity had turned her into. "Now come on," she commented as she left him behind, intentionally not answering his question about Anya. She knew he would follow; if he was here, he wanted something. And there was no way in hell he was going anywhere near the little girl he'd left behind.

[walkingdeadshep]

ᵀᴴᴱ ᴱᴺᴰ ᴬᴺᴰ ᵀᴴᴱ ᴮᴱᴳᴵᴺᴺᴵᴺᴳ

Life had never been easy for Shepley Jameson O'Connell. From an early age, one could have argued that he was bound for great failures. His mother had done her best with what little she had, but truth be told, the misfortunes of his upbringing had prepared him for a cold and empty world — a world where order failed to exist and wrongdoings weren't in short supply. His criminal history, forged by the hand of another or not didn't matter. Truth was, nothing mattered outside of the two people he'd searched for as if his life depended upon it... upon them. Most days, it did. For years, he'd replayed the final moments over and over in an attempt at finding out where he'd gone wrong. If he'd made a different choice, if he had listened to Liv — if if if. Against every suggestion made by others, Shepley had held on tightly to the idea of finding them. It was the only thing anchoring him to the broken world, the only true reason he hadn't given up. It was an unexpected group that had swiftly taken him in, their compound safe from the outside world. Dangers lurked within, but after weeks of settling in and being promised aid in search efforts, he'd made his spot permanent. Everything that followed was a means to a particular end — find Liv, find Anya. It was impossible to harbor any guilt with such blindness, despite the stomach turning tasks bestowed upon him at times. News of another settlement had spread like wildfire through the compound, some curious, some furious, and some uncaring. Negan, the self-proclaimed leader that instilled fear in those who questioned him, was among the curious. If the other settlement, Alexandria as it were named, was a threat, he needed to know for the safety of his people. It was the very reason that Shepley found himself face to face with the barbed wire bat carrying leader who wore a smirk as often as his leather jacket. The plan was simple, as was the story. Shepley would stumble within range of the settlement, obtain an invite within, learn from the settlement, and report back. If he failed, the implication was just as simple — failure meant becoming walker bait and becoming walker bait meant losing every chance to find them. ( CURRENT TIME ) "Your kindness is appreciated. Not many people offer that much anymore." For two days, he'd sat in a dimly lit cell. He'd been questioned gently by members of the settlement, each as worried as the one before them. A part of him wanted to spew the truth, but doing so was a far bigger risk than he cared to take. He'd barely gotten off the string of gratitude when the un-oiled hinges of a door sang with the arrival of someone else. The man slowly turned, a smile on his mouth as a sign of good faith, but said smile faded as everything grew quiet around him. Before him stood the very woman he'd been searching for. His heart dared to beat out of his chest, his gaze unwavering. It was the gentle tug at his flannel that anchored him to the moment. According to the woman, Liv would be the one to show him to his sleeping quarters. After all, she was responsible for recruiting and hunting, the latter being why she hadn't been the one to bring him in. "Thank you," he muttered, his dark hues only moving towards the door as it offered the same unpleasant noise upon the other stepping out. "Is she..." he breathed, unable to ask the full question as his gaze glossed over. If Liv was there, Anya was too. Unless... no.