wanderingchaoticmind

[wanderingchaoticmind]

Thankful. Yan yung naramdaman ko pagkatapos ng isa na namang atake. Thankful kasi this time, I was not alone. May isang taong nakinig, nanatili, at hinayaan akong maging mahina kahit natatawa sya sa paghikbi ko. Thankful kasi may kakampi na ko against sa demons ko. Thankful kasi kahit nakita nya yung duwag na ako, mas nakita nya yung kakayahan ko. Na higit sa pagkakamali ko, mas nakikita nyang natututo ako. Kaya sobra sobrang pasasalamat ang nararamdaman ko araw araw kasi pinadala na ni Bro yung regalo na matagal ko nang inaantay. Totoo nga yung "in God's time".

[wanderingchaoticmind]

Akala ko magaling ako. Akala ko matapang ako. Akala ko madiskarte ako. Akala ko lang pala.

Madalas kong mapressure yung sarili ko. Madalas ako mismo yung martilyong pumupukpok sa ulo ko. Madalas kong pagalitan yung sarili ko. Ang toxic ko na. Ang taas ng expectations ko sa sarili ko pero wala naman akong yabang sa katawan.

Sabi ng partner ko, kulang daw ako ng bilib sa sarili. Magaling naman daw ako. Kaya ko naman daw. Di ko lang niyayabang sarili ko.

Dear self, konting yabang pa. Ok lang kung mabagal basta gumagalaw. Ok lang magkamali basta natututo. Alam kong pagod ka na, pero laban lang. Ngayon ka pa ba susuko kung kelan may tumataya na sayo? Kaya yan. Tiwala lang.

[wanderingchaoticmind]

Habang patuloy kong hinaharap

Ang lahat ng takot at pagkabagabag

Heto ka't araw araw akong pinipili

At parating pinangingiti

[wanderingchaoticmind]

Sa mga pagkakataong natatakot ka

Ako ang magiging malakas para sa ating dalawa

Tulad ng pagiging matatag mo

Sa tuwing ako'y binabagabag ng pangamba

Mamahalin kita kahit sa panahon na nanghihina ka

O sa batid mo'y nagkamali ka

Kahit sa tingin mo hindi na tama

Mamahalin pa rin kita

Tandaan mong ang pagmamahal ko sayo'y hindi sumusukat sa kung anong maibibigay mo

Pareho lang tayong hindi perpekto

Kaya't hanggat ako'y pipiliin mo,

Mahal ko, ang puso ko'y iyong iyo

[wanderingchaoticmind]

Sa tinagal tagal kong gising sa gitna ng gabi habang ang karamiha'y nahihimbing

Ngayon ko lang naranasang magkaron ng katahimikan

Nagsimula noong ika'y dumating

Unti unting kumalma ang mga boses sa 'king isip

At ang mga hikbi'y napalitan ng hagikhik

Habang ang pait sa mga kanta'y di na batid

Sa ganitong pagkakataong ako'y mulat at ika'y nasa aking tabi

Masaya na kong pagmasdan kang payapang nakapikit

Ang hilik mo ang bagong paborito kong musika

Salamat sa pagdating

Salamat sa pagpili sa akin

[wanderingchaoticmind]

I am a mess...

And you saw a glimpse of the chaos in me

But instead of running away you held me tightly

So tight I can feel my walls crumbling down

The joy I thought was lost, now I've found

When you heard the voice inside my head

You intently listened, quietly, and understood

That there are things I feel but can't explain

You stayed, and with your smile I am swayed

[wanderingchaoticmind]

‪Silent battles, wordless cry‬

Can anybody hush these voices that pry?

Too many thoughts running in my mind

I pray they could just stop and be pushed aside.

I try to escape and leave them behind

But at night fall they catch up, slowly creeping, finding where I hide

And yet again they whisper to me

Things I fear the most, doubts have been exposed

Tired as I may be, fighting the demons inside

Still I try to stand despite these wounds, strong as I might.

Hoping not for the day to come

That I'd accept defeat and surrender in life.

[wanderingchaoticmind]

K. Matching

November came in cold. Well it has always been like that all year round since God knows when. Till I pass by you, a ray of sunshine. You were bright and comforting and playful. And it was hard to resist indulging into your warmth. You were a breath of fresh air for someone who has lived in darkness for a long time. I thought you were just another calm before the storm. Never did I expect that you would bring the spring to my autumn.

[wanderingchaoticmind]

I've removed myself from the picture

I'm constantly in battle between staying in someone's life or not. Often times I cut the ties, but for the rare few individuals, I choose to stay at bay. Keeping a distance but not burning the bridge. And then eventually leave the picture, entirely, unconsciously.

This doesn't mean i've given up on them. I think, it's more like me saving myself from the devastation brought upon by being delusively hanged up on relationships I build, whether friends, family, or a partner. I've always had a hard time letting people go. Especially those who I've grown attached to. But as time goes by, I've realized that there really is no other choice. If people doesn't want you to be part of their lives, you can't force yourself to them, no matter how much you want to stay. That decision is out of your control. With this thought, I've come to accept that people, no matter how strong your bond is, are not permanent. They'll come and go. The only constant thing from them is the mark they will leave as you part ways. This is a pill I had to swallow. It's sad but it's part of growing up.

[wanderingchaoticmind]

Bibitawan na kita

Tutal wala rin naman akong kinakapitan talaga

Palalayain na ang isip mula sa mga alaala ng panandaliang saya

Patitigilin na ang puso sa pag-asam na baka sakaling masuklian rin ang nadarama

At tatanggapin na lamang ang katotohanan na kahit kailan ay hindi mo ako makikita ng higit pa sa isang kaibigan.

Kaya't paalam...

Sa iilang buwan na naghatid ng ngiti sa tulad kong sawi

At sa mga madaling araw na humubad sa maskarang sa mga takot ay nagkukubli

Ngunit higit sa lahat ay salamat...

Sa pagtibag sa pader na aking itinayo

Upang ang aking sarili, mula sa iba ay mailayo

Upang hindi na muling masaktan

Hindi na muling magmahal.

Salamat sa pagpapaintindi sa akin, bagama't di sadya

Na ang pag-ibig, sa kabila ng pait ay may tamis ding dala

Panalangin ko parati'y kasiyahan mo,

Di man ako ang dahilan nito.

[wanderingchaoticmind]

I've been broken so many times that I've lost count of how many pieces my heart is right now.

I've been lonely and happy at the same time since then.

My soul had been shattered into millions of shards but that did not make me any less of a person.

Of all the years that I've been on my own, I thought I could never love again.

Now I'm realizing that maybe being in pieces doesn't make me broken. Maybe I was just divided into little parts so I could share myself with everyone. And that thought makes me whole again.

[wanderingchaoticmind]

Alas tres ng umaga

Malakas ang pagbuhos ng ulan

Sabay na rumaragasa ang napakaraming bagay saking isipan

Madilim sa labas

At tanging ilaw lang sa mga poste ang maaaninag

Napagtanto kong maaaring kailangan talaga ng dilim

Upang makita ang liwanag.

Sumasabay sa tunog ng bawat pagpatak

Ang pag-awit ng kaluluwang may lungkot na hindi maipaliwanag

Hanggang kailan mararamdaman ang pag-iisa

Na kahit na sa gitna ng maraming tao ay nadarama?

[wanderingchaoticmind]

Oo pagod na ako...

Sa'yo at sa kung ano man 'tong meron tayo

Ngunit hindi ibig sabihin na ika'y susukuan

Mahirap. Napakahirap ng sitwasyong 'to

Ngunit ayos lamang.

Kung ikaw rin naman ang tatayaan ko,

Ayos lang kahit tuluyang matalo.

Ang halaga mo'y higit pa sa lahat ng yaman sa mundo.

Kung sana lamang ay nakikita mo rin ang mga nakikita ko sa'yo.

Baka sakaling maintindihan mo kung bakit kahit malabo,

Handa akong sumugal sa'yo.

[wanderingchaoticmind]

Alas tres na ng umaga.

Tanging ingay na lamang ng iilang sasakyan ang dinig sa kalsada

Ngunit sa loob ng aking isip,

ilang milyong boses ang sabay sabay na naririnig.

Ang mga mali ng kahapon,

Ang pagtatanggol ng ngayon,

At ang takot sa hinaharap.

Habang ang lahat ay mahimbing,

Heto ako't taimtim na dumadalangin

Na sana'y kahit saglit,

Kahit isang segundo ng katahimikan ay makamit.

[wanderingchaoticmind]

Pansamantalang magpapaalam,

Ako'y Panandaliang mawawala...

Upang magpahinga ulit muna.

Unti unti, muling bubuuin ang sarili

Pupulutin at muling ididikit

Ang mga pirasong nahulog ng ako'y muling umibig

Hahanapin muli ang liwanag sa kalawakan ng dilim

Upang muling mahawi ang mga ulap

Na kumukibli sa ningning ng mga bituwin.

At sa muli'y masilayan ang kalangitan

Matapos patuyuin ang mga matang luhaan.

Huwag mangamba, ako'y hindi lilisan

Alam mong ikaw ang aking tahanan

Ngunit kailangan kong muling mabuo

Bago ako magbalik bilang kaibigan mo

Ikaw ang isa sa magagandang nangyari sa taong ito

Mahal ko, ginising mo ang natutulog kong puso.

[wanderingchaoticmind]

The older I get, the darker my thoughts are becoming. It might be my hyperactive brain going all out with overthinking, again.

When events happen, I psych the hell out of each instance. Trying to understand all the reason. Justifying all sides.

But it's exhausting, you know, understanding everyone. It's not the same as pleasing everyone but I guess the effect is the same, you'll end up with a tired soul.

I try to let go and care less. Made everyone think I am strong. But in reality, when the day ends and I'm all alone curled up in bed, covered with all my pillows, I cry. Not the cry with tears kind but the silent one with a voiceless scream and a very deep sigh.

I try to vent it out to friends but they have their own battles to win too. I cannot burden them with more negativities. So everyday I wake up, dragging myself out of the bed into the world wearing a smile to mask the storm in me. I try to stay positive. Most days I am victorious, some days the darkness catches up.

[wanderingchaoticmind]

Write me letters

I don't care if your grammar is poor

As long as it's your own

The words would make sense

Sing me songs

I don't care if you're out of tune

As long as it's from your heart

The melody would make me swoon

Tell me your stories

It's depth doesn't matter

As long as it's from your mind

We'll turn it into an epic adventure

Draw me a picture

It doesn't matter how it turns out

As long as it's made from your imagination

It'll be world's greatest work of art

I don't need you to be the best

I don't need you to be perfect

All I need you to be is who you are

All your imperfections and scars