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The Girl(s) I Have Loved Before

I met Lux Ex Tenebris, just like the name Which shines her face whenever I walked in Not knowing what I have, not knowing what I would lost She was everything I want but they said Love is searching for the missing piece We are not meant to complete the whole puzzle

With my Jinji, it was the calm before the storm Not knowing it was the tornado that came along Blewing up my sanity and running away from my prophecy Got me stuck in 5 summers, winters and autumns which I thought was love But the cosmic knew, it was her who held my heart

With my Sputnik Sweetheart, it was stargazing together while being apart With the pandemic going on, with the skies and the universe in between We made plans for us, we haven't met us yet It was the handwritten letters, the song playlists and the books It was in the literature we read together If you remember me, then I do not care if everyone else forgets

In the grand scheme of universe, I met her Where I was content, I was whole, I was complete I was trying to make sense of things, when it does not I was trying how to fit her definition, when I knew I am not the person I was trying my best, I gave my best It was the sleepless nights, the baffling conversations I poured everything in an empty vessels Not knowing I was drained She who shall not be named

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-- Eileen Myles, At a Waterfall, Reykjavik

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nothing is as tender as annotating your favourite books. it’s like leaving a piece of your heart on the pages for somebody else to find.

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Hiatus

I don’t know why I’m here but I thought of leaving something here before I disappear. Honestly, I’m at my fucking limit. Everyday is just me fighting the urge of not trying to kill myself and to be honest, I know I can’t do it alone I can’t go through this by myself but I got tired asking for help. I got tired of waiting, I got tired of waiting, I got tired of waiting. Life has been great, things has been so well, but probably without me all will get so much better.

I feel like I’m the living dead, trying to get through the days, stuff myself with some food just so the body can keep going, can keep surviving. But on days like this, it does get tired and exhausted. I wanted to cry, it’s like there is this unexplainable of sadness I feel inside. A hole. A hole that has been there through the years and no matter what I do, it’s there. Sometimes I feel like it’s sucking me inside out, trying to ruin everything that I have, everything that I cherish. 

If you read this, I hope life is going great on your side. Know that I don’t regret anything, I’m glad that I met you. I am hurt, but not because of what people did to me, I’m hurt because I am me. I hope you know that I love you. I hope you know that I love you. 

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Nikki Giovanni, from “Mirrors”

[Text ID: … but It Cannot Be A Mistake to have cared … It Cannot Be An Error to have tried … It Cannot Be Incorrect to have loved]

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Lady Winter, created for the Taproot 2015 calendar. 

Watercolor, collage, colored pencil.

Phoebe Wahl 2014

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Maybe if I removed myself from the picture, it would be a lot better.

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“I wonder why he likes the moon so much. He always looks for it, even in the day time. And he always finds it.”

Being Two Isn’t Easy (1962), Kon Ichikawa

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Bitter Moon (1992) directed by Roman Polanski

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San Francisco, California.

Circa 1962.

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If I tell you the thoughts that have been running on my mind, you might pack your back and leave.

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I couldn’t say anything neither could I complain. The pain is mine to keep, it will stay that way. Maybe someday I will feel warm again even during the winter. Right now everything is so cold I’m trying my best not to fall.

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This view shows part of the very active star-forming region around the Tarantula Nebula in the Large Magellanic Cloud, a small neighbour of the Milky Way. 

Credit: ESO/M.-R. Cioni/VISTA Magellanic Cloud survey. Acknowledgment: Cambridge Astronomical Survey Unit