waning-phase

[waning-phase]

Anxiety sucks bc I am physically unable to share like 40% of my thoughts bc I'm like. What if someone thinks I'm weird for having this habit or hobby that I don't know if it's normal or not. Or what if this thing I liked is actually really bad bc of stuff associated with it and people think I'm a bad person bc of it. Or what if I upset someone with a joke that I think is funny and not disrespectful but someone gets mad at me regardless bc I made a joke in the first place. Hell, I probably wouldn't have joined the Pokemon IRL community if I hadn't seen that it was pretty light-hearted and low-key at the start. There's whole fucking chunks of my personality that never see the light of day bc I'm worried about what people might think about me bc of them.

Like how the fuck do people manage to not give half as many fucks about what could go wrong as I do. How can I learn to relax man. Ugh.

[waning-phase]

take me apart and tell me what's wrong with me please

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you don't want to die you just don't want to live like this

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please just rip me open and take out the parts you don't like

it'll be better than worrying about what those parts might be

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I don't want to be bad or gross please let me be as normal as I can get please tell me this is normal and I'm just freaking out over nothing please tell me I'm not a freak or disgusting or wrong for being like this

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This is a stupid fucking problem to have it's ridiculous it's obscene am I just making too big a deal out of it but I can feel it I always feel it why am I like this god dammit fucking piece of shit why is it like this if it was just made up it'd be hilarious but no this is real and uncomfortable and I want to be this way but not like this not like this this is wrong I'm so tired I'm pissed I'm lonely I want it so bad I can never let anyone know I feel this way why is my sense of shame so utterly fucked I don't like being like this

[waning-phase]

nobody's interacting with cider :(

[waning-phase]

I dunno if this will help, but maybe you need to hear this :]

You're not a burden. It's okay to feel bad, angry, upset, etc. Feeling the bad emotions is normal and doesn't make you any less of a good and wonderfully kind person bc of it.

It's gonna be okay. You're doing great. You're doing amazing. You're doing the best you can.

You have people who care deeply for you, even in your low moments.

You're loved.

thank you

i really appreciate it

[waning-phase]

On one hand, I never want to be a burden to people

And on the other hand, I feel like I'm falling apart and there's no way I can keep myself together forever

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You'd think that getting it out of my system would help but no, now I've got a headache and I don't really feel any better

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I shouldn't be trying to take care of people but I am

I want to be a good friend

I want to make them feel better

But I want someone to tell me that it'll all be okay too

I'm fucking 20, I shouldn't be in a position where someone's life is depending on me filling in for another person who's also trying their damnedest to keep them alive too

I shouldn't have to calm someone down from an absolutely horrible panic attack multiple times just because they can't detach themselves well enough from Pokemon Tumblr roleplay for god's sake

I feel like an asshole for saying it but I'm tired and stressed and lonely and I want to have a clear conscience without something gnawing at the back of my head because I can't help but volunteer myself

I'm tired

I'm so fucking tired

[waning-phase]

How is it possible that I can be whiny and suffer in silence at the same time

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I'm mad and I'm not in the right about it and that just frustrates me further and I'm giving myself a headache

[waning-phase]

i definitely relate.. especially to the being bad at reaching out thing. i wish i had some way to help but idk how to deal with it either lol

That's okay. Part of me posting these is to get it out of my system anyways.

[waning-phase]

I wonder if the reason I post these things is because I'm hoping for sympathy or if I'm hoping someone has advice, if not an answer

[waning-phase]

Lonely lately

I really appreciate having people to talk to online but I really miss spending time with people in person

I'm also terrible at reaching out. I'd probably feel less like I'm failing at having fun with my blogs if I tried to send asks, but it's fucking hard for me for some reason

I'm a bit of a mess

[waning-phase]

24 hours of hope left

God I hope