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*rough draft*
You did your best
I will always remember that
You did your best
When I was crying not knowing how to comunícate my feelings
You did your best
Trying to draw what I really wanted to say but I never had the language to say what I was feeling
You did your best
When rumors of me being gay swirled around the family. You sprang into action and suppressed and deflect all the accusations but never asked me what was going on
You did your best
Confiding in yours and my only father figure.
You did your best
When that same father figure tried to make me pray it away. Only to snap at me when it wasn’t working so I had to learn to act out the way y’all wanted me to be.
You did your best
As the only born male in the family. I had the weight of continuing the family whispered in my ear from a young age. The weight stood on my chest where it got hard to breathe. I tried to stand tall but my performance in the play kept slipping.
You did your best
I got caught multiple times wearing what I wanted to wear but again surpress and deflect. Let’s go harder into religion. Pray pray pray. Dark whispers in the family about the black sheep. But I know
You did your best
Eventually I got so good at playing characters. Having a new mask for every play/ act of my life. I was the best method actor. So good I forgot who I was. I knew something wrong and I know you knew something was wrong but it was long past.
You did your best
Recovery wasn’t easy.
It would take years to peel each mask off. Each new mask I found I would ask is this me. Each discarded mask tossed threw me away from you.
You did your best.
You would be glad to know I did find who I am. Yet I am scared to show you because I don’t want to go through the process again. I don’t want to go through that pain especially because I know who I am. But, I don’t blame you for any of it.
You did your best
From being knocked up at high school. You didn’t ask for this. You had to learn to grow with me and I am so happy that I was the test child because I know
You did your best
I look at my little sister and I see the mistakes made with me. You learned and made her thrive. All the late nights, all the fights, all the drama between us made her a better person. I am proud to call her my sister and yet I am not willing to come out to you for who I am. I look at her and I know
You did your best
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Attention given when attention was past due
Attention wanted but my tears grew
Solutions offered but you have no clue
Solutions failed truth in Timbuktu
Celebration wanted but someone is aloof
Celebration over everything over due
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Why am I so upset that a guy forget our anniversary
Like was the month long hints not enough
Or was I not enough to place a reminder
Why should I care that this man forgot
Why should I care I wanted to hear his voice
Why should I care about him
Am I expecting too much
Am I too much
Am I to blame
Idk
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I am so sick of everything you want me to be
Lost in everyone’s perception I feel adrift
I keep peeling myself to find a new perception
Each shed layer is another burnt bridge
Another closed opportunity
While there is few domestic trade.
International resources are dwindling
At this rate collapse is inevitable
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Afternoons hit me like memories before
After the wake I still feel empty
The ocean is dried while Helios bright smiles on me
Am I the only one here or is the smile too bright
I guess it just another afternoon
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For all the times I didn’t report it before, imposter syndrome is real
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Whelp broke my own heart even before a relationship started…..
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Christmas has set me off so badly that I though about being cis man for a second.
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I have never been so emotional in my life... this hit home too hard
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