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ask-bomberman

Now here was a face he hadn’t seen in quite a while. Once upon a time, when Wario was a fairly different man with greed for land and minions as well as gold, he one day happened upon a portal to Planet Bomber. Seeking to claim the domain as his own, the nefarious doppelganger went to work constructing a cloning machine and making multiple copies of himself-- an Army of Warios with their sights set on the peaceful planet and bombs held high, poised to invade! An explosive battle raged across the landscape of the alien planet. One Wario was trouble enough! Two? A dozen? Several dozen? That seemed outright impossible to handle! But there was a catch with that cloning machine, as there was with all the heel’s hand-built inventions... All those duplicate Warios were defects! Drones that were downgrades of the original! Such was the price of being half-baked and valuing quantity over quality. At first it appeared the invaders had the upper hand, but over time the Bombermen and other inhabitants of Planet Bomber banded together and blew to smithereens the band of bandits, in the end flushing Wario out of their land for good! But as said, that was quite a while ago, and Wario here wasn’t much a hardcore grudge-holder any longer. “Hey! It’s Boogerman! Did you come here to blow my beautiful city up?!” It appeared he was serious at first, but a rather hard yet reassuring slap upon the shoulder said otherwise. “Sike! I’m just messin’ with ya!” Evil eye. “But if you did I’d bash you into the next dimension!”

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“Halloween’s gotta be my favorite holiday of all! The teepeeing, the pumpkin smashing, the free candy! It’s all so great! It’s like you’re given a one-day pass to be the biggest jerk on the block! Not like I need any passes for that though, I do it every day! WAHAHAHA!”

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The sitting bull was now a sitting duck, turned to roadkill as Punk ran him right over! Yowch, that’s gotta hurt in the morning. Laying face-down, flat as a pancake after that incident, Wario peeled himself off the floor and regained shape. Muttering a few moans of pain. It was such a devastating hit that it deprived our antihero of his power-up! It was then something else hit him, the fact he’d have to use one of the tools he hated using most in order to win; that being his brain. Wario always preferred brawn over brains, and loathed the many times throughout his adventures where he was pressed to use his head in a non-literal fashion. “HAHA! Is that all you got?! I hardly even felt it!” Bluffed the blustery bully, metaphorically waving a red flag like a matador at his red opponent. What purpose did this serve? Well, one thing in common many of the foes Wario faced who withdrew into shells had was that they couldn’t stay concealed forever! Punk had to come out of his prickly confines sooner or later-- and it was then that Wario would finally be back on the attack. For now he’d have to steer clear!

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Wario was a pretty tanky fellow, but he knew it wasn’t the wisest idea to try and tank this! Platforming experience gave you a natural aversion to the pointy stuff after all. He bounded over the spike-studded ball that was Punk and struck a seating position midair– crashing into the ground behind his opponent butt-first in an aptly named Ground Pound! Sure, it wouldn’t directly hurt the other, but a man of Wario’s weight slamming into the surface like that was sure to shake things up!

Unfortunately for Wario, spinning through the air was one of Punk’s main abilities. It took a moment for him to adjust from ground to air, as he rarely switched while spinning, but once he regained his “footing” he turned around, getting back on course headed right for the little man.

“You think a lil’ butt-bounce like dat’s gonna get me off yer tail! HAH!” He called out, though his voice came out muffled through his hard metal shell.

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Once given the okay, Wario clambered his bad self into the back seat of the yellow cab and buckled up? That last part was actually a lie; seatbelts are for squares! Now why did Wario here choose to go to the moon of all places? Let’s just say he heard word the planet was made of cheese. A pretty ridiculous rumor, but this rude dude was a ridiculous fellow who lived in a ridiculous world! So who knows, maybe it could be true!

“This ain’t gonna take long, is it?”

► FLY ME TO THE MOON!

 Now that’s the kind of job he can get behind. 

 “You got it pal!” Dribble could practically feel the adrenaline pumping as he revved up his engine. “Hop on in, bud!”

 Hopefully he wouldn’t forget to ask for the fare. Driving all the way to the moon and back wasn’t exactly cheap. And knowing Wario, he’s probably find a way to weasel out of paying. 

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((Gamesandgarlic)) Amazing! You literally ARE Wario! No doubt in my mind!

“Well of course I’m Wario! Who else would I be, Sam Spook?!”

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“Phone me up and tell me how awesome I am!”

1-800-how’s my portrayal?

This mun is now accepting feedback! 

Please remember there’s a difference between hate, constructive criticism, and giving praise because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings.

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“Bah! Quit bein’ such a baby! It didn’t hurt that bad!” Was Wario’s first reaction to the tears welling up in Kirby’s eyes, essentially telling the literal baby to quit being what he was. What a cruddy attempt to try and console this crying kid! If you could even call it that. But the sobbing didn’t stop. “Uhhh... uhhh...” Surprisingly, the ramifications of what he wrought hit Wario, who normally outright disregarded such things. What would his pals, many of whom were kids themselves, have to say over the fact their boss bullied a little kid to this extent? There was a line between being a jerk and being downright awful, and Wario just crossed that line. “C’mon... stop crying. It was just a joke! I didn’t really mean it!” Said Wario as he underwent damage control, sweating up a storm and setting a gloved hand upon the pinky’s head. He couldn’t believe this was the same person, puff, thing he lost to back there!

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“Yeah, but you sure you’re gonna– wait…” He mentally zoomed in on Kirby’s form, its very existence dwelling within that temporary tin domain giving Wario here a bright idea, a rotten idea! A wicked smile crept up his face, and milliseconds later made for the half-pint and plunged him back into the bucket– multiple times at that! Then, Wario slammed the soaked and soapy puff onto the hardwood floor face-first and began using the poor guy as a makeshift mop, racing around the entire living room laughing like a madman! Well… that was certainly one way to get this slob ecstatic about cleaning.

  Kirby blinked at the other. What was he planning– Oh. Kirby let out a few startled squeaks as he was plunged into the water, the only good thing about it was that Kirby didn’t really need to breathe, so he didn’t have to worry about drowning in a bucket of all things…

 …But now he was used as a mop. Wow. Just wow. You could be mean to him, you could rough him up, you could try to cheat in a fight, but when he was actively trying to help you, and you still did stuff like this..?

  “Poooooy…”

 Then you got a crying orb on your hands. Good job, Wario, add ‘making an alien kid cry’ to your terrible list of misdeeds.

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The words of encouragement caused the heel to do a slow heel-turn, weary eyes looking over the interviewers and cheering crowd. Nobody appeared to be booing him, laughing at him. All those negative what-ifs brewing in his brain were just that; what-ifs. Not reality. In reality, everyone had immensely enjoyed the epic clash brought about by both sides. It was a fight unlike any other, capped off with an awesome fireworks display as small and big titan alike duked it out in the dusky Diamond City skies, sporting their ultimate forms! Still though, Wario wondered. How in the hey did the people of this town still like him?? He pooed in their public parks, cheated them at every turn, was a nuisance and knew it! Only in this sad state was Wario able to reflect upon such things. Eyes darted to the cameraman, the crowd, the lovely young lady with the microphone to his mouth. He realized was on live TV! How could his fans, no, the people of Diamond City see their favorite son in such a slump?! It was unheard of! The near-extinguished fire rose within Wario, burning up his sadness and ruminative thoughts, bringing that bright, bold smile back to his face. He knew now why the people continued to love him against all odds...

BECAUSE HE WAS SO DANG AWESOME!!

And he flaunted that awesomeness loud and proud with a double flex, posing for the fans! “Wario’s no quitter! Wario will never be a quitter! Anyone who ever thought that got dropped on their head as a tot!” But though his attitude had rejuvenated, his body still hadn’t. Bending that knee and flexing his calf as part of that showy stance caused a bit of pain. “Ow... cramp...!” Muttered the Mario doppelganger from between closed teeth.

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A thrilling match it was; the bout between Kirby and Wario. But for the latter? It ended in utter humiliation. Losing to a pink puff! He gave it his absolute all, bringing with him a plethora of past tricks and abilities– even going so far as to down an invincibility potion! Yet even with all that, in practically a composite state, the brute was incapable of bringing down the small but mighty Star Warrior and claiming the treasure and fame he was banking on winning. Unable to endure being branded a loser before a plethora of people, the sweaty and battered Wario saved as much face possible and waddled for the exit, trying to get out of there as fast as his limping legs could carry him. But before he could escape entirely, he was stopped by the media, who wanted a word with him. The entire time the young reporter introduced herself, Wario’s back was turned. When it came time for him to speak, the sourpuss glanced over his shoulder and gave a nasty growl. Raelyn here was probably conditioned to such responses though, given that meaty wrestler of few words she often interviewed!

Yikes. That wasn’t the answer she was expecting… STILL, who would be happy to lose? Especially with the odds stacked within their favor! Not flinching at all, Raelyn simply sighed and gave the greedy garlic muncher a reassuring smile.

“ Losses never feel well, Mister Wario. You think the wrestler’s I interview are gleaming with excitement to talk to me after a loss? They’re twice your size and have said A LOT nastier things! “

 She shook her head and returned to Wario, putting one had on his shoulder.

“ ..What I’m trying to say is, you did your best out there! Win or Lose, the viewers- the people of this city adore you! If you think anyone thinks less of you, you’d be surprised! Give them reassurance that the Wario they know and love isn’t a quitter! That, the fire in him is far from gone! “

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A thrilling match it was; the bout between Kirby and Wario. But for the latter? It ended in utter humiliation. Losing to a pink puff! He gave it his absolute all, bringing with him a plethora of past tricks and abilities-- even going so far as to down an invincibility potion! Yet even with all that, in practically a composite state, the brute was incapable of bringing down the small but mighty Star Warrior and claiming both the treasure and fame he was banking on winning. Unable to endure being branded a loser before a plethora of people, the sweaty and battered Wario wanted to save as much face possible and waddled for the stadium exit after giving his adversary a few parting words, trying to get out of there as fast as his limping legs could carry him. But before he could escape entirely, he was stopped by the media, who wanted a word with him. The entire time the young reporter introduced herself, Wario’s back was turned, showing his disinterest. When it came time for him to speak, the sourpuss glanced over his shoulder and gave a nasty growl. Raelyn here was probably conditioned to such responses though, given that meaty wrestler of few words she often interviewed!

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“ Wario! Mister Wario! “

The young interviewer called, maneuvering through the crowd of roaring fans and other reporters. Not too far behind her was her camera man, T.J Snapper; a famous photographer who frankly wasn’t used to the intensity of an arena, so he was a tad squeamish. 

Diamond City’s Arena wasn’t too different from the Rhythm Arena, so of course the young reporter had no problems getting her potential interviewer. Finally approaching the man of the hour, the she greeted him with a wave and a smile.

“ Hi Mister Wario, I’m Raelyn; from Ringside Report! I was hoping to get a few words from you after this THRILLING match! Got a sec? “

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“Yeah, but you sure you’re gonna-- wait...” He mentally zoomed in on Kirby’s form, its very existence dwelling within that temporary tin domain giving Wario here a bright idea, a rotten idea! A wicked smile crept up his face, and milliseconds later made for the half-pint and plunged him back into the bucket-- multiple times at that! Then, Wario slammed the soaked and soapy puff onto the hardwood floor face-first and began using the poor guy as a makeshift mop, racing around the entire living room laughing like a madman! Well... that was certainly one way to get this slob ecstatic about cleaning.

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The fat man appeared flabbergasted by the implication there was still more to do– it looked like everything was done good enough already!

“You mean there’s MORE?!?”

But what astonished Wario even more were the weird things beginning to happen to the princess’s form. It was as if… as if she was returning to her original puffball state!

  “Yes, of course.” The princess stated, as she dipped the sponge into the water. “You said you wanted this place clean, right? We’re barely–”

 There was an awkward pause, as the crown was suddenly no longer on her head. The powerup finally wore off. In a blink, the orb was suddenly in the air, gasping loudly as he fell into the soapy bucket he was easily able to hold just a moment ago.

  “Oh, great.” He murmured, peeking out of the bucket. “But yeah, you said you wanted my help, right, poy?” The sass was certainly back, for sure.

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Look on the bright side, Wario! ...You got one coin from all of that.

“One coin. One measly coin!That isn’t enough to appease my greed! I need more, much more!”

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“First I get beaten to the treasure by a kid, and now I find out that crown I got is worth NOTHING! They’re so worthless they’re being given out like candy!!” To prove his point, Wario furiously moves out of ‘camera’-shot and motions to a rather large, diverse queue of Mushroom World denizens. At the start of the line awaited Toadette who was so generous and had amassed such a collection of Super Crowns that she was practically giving them away for free, one at a time. So that’s why those transformations are so dime a dozen these days! “Stupid kid! Stupid crown! Stupid sissy fad!” Growled the grubber, glaring down at the crown in his hands and prompted by rage, rearing it back and tossing it into the air as hard as he could! It went on for miles... maybe in some distant land it’d wind up on someone’s head? Who knows, but more importantly who cares!

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Actually, Wario was exercising quite a bit of mercy here, holding back and relying mostly on scare tactics to get the gold. He didn’t particularly enjoy beating the snot out of snot-nosed kids like he did everything else! Unfortunately, the gold was to escape his grasp once again. When Rascal unveiled her other flower power up, Wario was more than within range and promptly hit point blank by the pair of icy orbs. His entire form became encased in ice, the muscleman unable to move a single muscle! All the sculpture could do now was watch helplessly as what he came for, what had his name on it, was plundered by the other party!

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No longer was this lass leaping around, she was down for the count! Fall cushioned by those Fuzzies though, who just wouldn’t seem to go away! They were really thorns in Wario’s side. “So, kid…” He spoke, slowly stepping towards Rascal with the mannerisms of a fearsome dragon, nostrils of the fitting hat fuming. “You ready to say uncle?” The answer was evident otherwise from her pouch digging, but that detail slipped right under Wario’s garlic-shaped nose! Perhaps… this would prove to be his undoing.

  Wow, this guy had no mercy, did he? Granted, she didn’t either, but… Eh. She huffed, as the fuzzies snarled and hissed at the man. She held onto the ice flower in her hand and sneered at the other.

  “I don’t play games, pally.” Is what she manages to say as the ice flower kicks in, changing her hoodie color to a light blue as she chucks a couple of ice balls at the other. Might as well try to make the other chill out.

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No longer was this lass leaping around, she was down for the count! Fall cushioned by those Fuzzies though, who just wouldn’t seem to go away! They were really thorns in Wario’s side. “So, kid...” He spoke, slowly stepping towards Rascal with the mannerisms of a fearsome dragon, nostrils of the fitting hat fuming. “You ready to say uncle?” The answer was evident otherwise from her pouch digging, but that detail slipped right under Wario’s garlic-shaped nose! Perhaps... this would prove to be his undoing.

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Wario didn’t quite notice the pair of blinking eyes emerging from the youth’s mane, but what he did notice was her bold claim! “WAHAHAHA! ‘Greatest Thief’, don’t make me laugh! Bad news for you, punk! Somebody already beat ya to that ti–” So caught up in his overconfidence and monologuing, the balls of fire flung the fat man’s way hit their mark and caught him off guard! Or at least one did, the other missed due to the first flooring him. Next thing Wario knew, those pesky fuzzies had returned for round two, bouncing about like a bunch of jumping beans thus demanding quite the dance out of their victim– alternating between shooing the swarm away and evading scorching projectiles! “You dirty cheat!” Cried out the dirty cheat himself. “You like fightin’ with fire, huh?? Then I guess I gotta fight fire, with fire!” Whatever could Wario have meant by this? The answer lay in the green dragon hat he unearthed and placed upon his head, two streams of lava shooting from its nostrils that fried the unfortunate Fuzzies in its immediate path, thus causing the rest of the cloud to scatter in fear. Those distractions outta the way, Wario’s attention was turned toward the other treasure hunter in the room. The heel’s head-mounted flamethrower started up again, flames aimed at his agile adversary and able to follow her with a mere turn of the noggin!

  She simply gave Wario a harsh glare at his words. Yeah, like this guy could even hold a candle to her. Rascal harshly lobbed some more fireballs at the other, as there was a pause as she began to slide down the wall slightly. Why did he put a new hat on–?

 …Oh.

 The fuzzies screeched and made really unpleasant sounds as they scattered. If fuzzies didn’t duplicate themselves quickly, she might’ve been more upset, but hey. This guy was attacking her now, and she let out an awkward yelp as she narrowly dodged the first steam of fire aimed at her. What kind of power up was that? She had never seen something like that before. She was probably about to say something witty before a steam of fire caught her off guard, as she lost her footing and began to fall a bit, several of the fuzzies perking up and frantically running under her to cushion her fall, a soft ‘flump’ being heard as she fell on them, her power-up lost due to the damage.

  “You are a strange one.” She murmured as she rummaged through her bag and pulled out an ice flower instead, signifying her next form of attack. 

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“He... He doesn’t even ask for pay?!?”

Now this was almost too good to be true! Waluigi’s self-centeredness rivaled his own, he was no stooge! If Wario were to take him on treasure hunts? Why, he’d certainly demand some of the loot! Microgaming? That too, there’d have to be a reward involved. Hence why he was nowhere to be seen in either of those fields. “That’s it, we gotta trade Waluigis! I’ve bugged that loser nonstop for ages to make me games and he Doesn’t. Wanna. Cave!” It was almost as if Waluigi knew Wario’s greedy nature... that from the start of these microgaming shenanigans foresaw he wouldn’t get squat out of them and thus declined ‘til the end of time.

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There we go! His confidence returned now that he had the handsome man before him interested. 

Truthfully, Waluigi had been quite wild and disagreeable when he first found him on the streets– Wario had thought he was dead… and was trying to loot his wallet when he got a good kick to the face. The lanky man had been exactly the tennis doubles partner he’d been looking for– fiery, tallthey complimented each other perfectly. So, he had taken him in, and Waluigi eventually fell in line, wanting to do whatever he could to please him. Those memories really took him back…

“Waaahtever I want,” he reiterated. “His microgames-a wouldn’t be very creative, but at-a least he wouldn’t ask-a for pay like those other chumps.” He shrugged his beefy shoulders. “Too bad-a Nintendo don’t-a want Wario to use him.”

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Wario was a pretty tanky fellow, but he knew it wasn’t the wisest idea to try and tank this! Platforming experience gave you a natural aversion to the pointy stuff after all. He bounded over the spike-studded ball that was Punk and struck a seating position midair-- crashing into the ground behind his opponent butt-first in an aptly named Ground Pound! Sure, it wouldn’t directly hurt the other, but a man of Wario’s weight slamming into the surface like that was sure to shake things up!

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So far it’d been pretty easy for Wario, who was having a grand old time beating his way through the lesser bots which comprised the outer defenses of Castle Wily. When on the verge of properly entering the mad scientist’s lair itself though, one last obstacle beamed down– a big and bulky one fitting of the honor! A short monologue started things off, but right from the start the fight proved to pull no punches! Wario threw an inflated straight to counter his opponent’s, identical organic fist meeting metal one, with rock vs rock resulting in a draw. Barely noticeable was the brute’s swelling fist at his side from meeting such a steely strike head-on. “You got things mixed up! I’m the garbage man here, and I’m gonna take you to the dump like I did all those other bolt brains before ya!” Figuring he needed some extra firepower to get this fight over with, Wario brought out a viking helm and placed it upon his head, gaining increased height and muscle mass from the power-up.

“Alright! Let’s-a GO!”

Bellowed the bull, throwing a pair of beefy jabs followed by a powerful headbutt! With those horns atop his head, that last one’s gotta hurt!

Punk was shocked when the human blocked his attack, and moreso when he fought back. The attack sent him sliding back a couple feet, but nothing he couldn’t recover from. He’d smirk if he was able. Maybe he could have some fun with this after all. “Awright, yer pretty tuff– for a humie anyway! See if you can block dis doe!” 

Punk jumped into the air. As he did so, his shoulder pads seemed to grow, before closing around him like a clamshell. He smashed into the ground and started revving up like a toy car, before going flying toward Wario. If the guy could survive this, then he knew he was gonna enjoy this fight.

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Wouldn’t it be more fit for Wario? Well of course it would! He ordered it after all! But a strange sensation compelled him to share a bit of the goodness of garlic with others-- there just wasn’t enough appreciation for it around! “So you’re sayin’ I can have some too?? Well don’t mind if I do!” Instead of splitting it evenly in half, the taco was split unevenly into thirds... or rather just the heel was broken off and given away to the cheeky chimp while the sender took advantage of Ana’s offer and kept most for himself. He was gonna do that anyway.

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“Hey Ana! Got a little something for that monkey chum of yours!” Wario held up a crunchy taco shell with only garlic inside, purchased from none other than Waluigi at his new Taco Stand! Well… not purchased per se, but obtained via a coupon clipping found laying about the house. Still, awfully nice of Wario to have used that freebie on someone else. Call it a change of heart that happened on his way back from the Mushroom Kingdom.