warmoat-blog

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warm bread for rainy afternoon in Bandung

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Entering existential crisis 2.0

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Bed and breakfast by retired sailor in Santorini

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Rich Italian grandpas

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Reviving my youth

I was on plane from Jakarta to Jogja, or maybe the other way around. or maybe to or from Pontianak. I was traveling a lot on those days. Neither for business, nor for leisure. But to reconnect to my old networks, the people that had supported me throughout the roller-coaster ride of master study.

I was bored and not sleepy enough to shut my eyes and spend the rest of the flight in other world. So I decided to take the magazine and flick through it. I thought, If only I were flying with RyanAir, reading an in-flight magazine was a privilege not everyone could have. I should have been grateful. In fact I was. For that I found an inspiration for my end-of-year holiday which has revived my youth. It was a trip to Banyuwangi.

I hadn't planned for this trip. It was completely impromptu. The articles on that magazine have indeed inspired me. As I was reading, I found myself going for a hike in Ijen, witnessing the rare and phenomenal blue-fire, watching the bright and dreamy sunset at Pantai Merah, and of course running on the savannah at Baluran National Park. That sounded like a plan. But not one that I would experience anytime soon. Not this December at the earliest.

But thanks to Papau for having brought up this idea and “sort of” forced me into agreeing for a four day trip in Banyuwangi at the end of December. I was just starting my work in Yogyakarta. They weren’t so demanding that I needed a holiday or anything. In fact I found my life and current job is rather satisfying, though I was not so much lively as I used to be. But I dont think anything is wrong with that, it was just becoming an adult. I read it somewhere that when you become an adult, life becomes less exciting. Which was kinda true at some point.

Anyway, thanks to Papau persuasive proposal and my not-so demanding job, I bought the ticket to Banyuwangi and arranged the plan for our four days trip which included all the places that I had been having in my mind. All were set and I was ready to leave.

I was leaving from Yogyakarta to Banyuwangi by train, 13-hour long ride. I almost missed the train, because I spent too much time watching Youtube (i know it’s stupid). I was ready to accept “my fate” which technically put the blame on God. I thought maybe I didnt deserve this trip cos I barely worked beside I didnt ask for my boss permission for that trip. I find it easier for me to accept anything that happened in my life, especially something that I dont desire, if I think of it as a fate. I don't think it is because I am so religious. I am just a irresponsible and coward human that doesn’t want to take any blame.

Nevertheless. I managed to catch the train. 5 minutes when it was about to leave. Thanks God. Now I find it funny. All the good and the bad in life, I give the credit to God. Oh I cant believe that I am such a ..... (should find the word).

Anyway I sat next to a guy in this train, He helped me to put my hefty carrier. He initiated small talks, but i didnt give much respond. I didnt know at what point but somehow I engaged in a conversation, a deep talk in fact. I was never the kind of person who talked to stranger, let alone a personal and detail discussion. But that particular moment, I was eager to have a discussion about life especially being a twenty-something individual who is struggling to figure out the seemingly long journey ahead.

He went off three hour later. Since it was already late and the train was swinging me away from the real life, I dozed off. I surprisingly had a good sleep that night. It almost felt like sleeping on a real bed. Since I sat on the east side, I was awakened with the blistering sunlight from the window. It felt hot but nice.

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These pictures were taken back in 2017. That was the third time I camped on beach and spent a night there. And that was actually the last time. Since then, life just got too serious that I did not even remember what a fun and beautiful life I had before.

I would not say my life has got worsened, not at all. Instead, I am in a much better place (in a professional context). I was awarded with a prestigious scholarship, something that I had never expected once in my life. I got the chance to study in one of the best universities in the world. I am meeting a lot of people that could support whatever carrier I pursue in the future. But still, there is this part of me that feels empty. Not because I am not satisfied with things I have right now, it is because I have lost something that has completed me in the past, a friendship.

I took this trip with three of my friends, I would consider them as my best friends. We used to spend a lot of time together, we shared food, laugh, and love. The trip was carried to celebrate my graduation. It was the best day (two days actually) in my life despite the heavy rain on that day. beach and storm might’ve sounded like a bad idea, but not for us naive young people

Fortunately, the rain had stopped when we arrived late in the evening. Then, we built a tent, made a bonfire, and spent the night talking with coldplay’s song in the background. it was a beautiful night really. we were woken up by the sound of waves washing the shore and the bird chirping in the morning. the sun wasnt even out yet when I got out of the tent. So I had the chance to watch the sun rose and gradually painted the sky yellow, orange, pink. oh what a good time.

Today, everyone went their own ways. I am pretty sure none of us had predicted that we would be in where we are right now. T is taking her MSc degree in her dreamed university with her dreamed scholarship. Not only that she has married to a man that she love and loved her. F is a young diplomat, traveling around the world like he used to dream. D is making his ways to get into a respectable position in the country while having a pretty well-paid job. A lot could happen in two years and also in that two years we were eventually losing our friendship.

I am aware on the fact that nothing lasts forever, and whenever there is a hello there is always a goodbye, they were like two sides of a coin. but how can I make the goodbye less hurtful, at least for me?

I had tried to maintain the friendship and keep things the way they were (even if I know it is impossible). But I have no power over time and distance. Beside everything (and everyone) is bound to change regardless. So accepting is the only way to go. and maybe try to fill the void they’ve left for me.

I always believe love could be constructed, so could friendship right?

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another attempt to commit to something

I dont know what has gotten into me that i am creating a tumblr account. I used to have prejudgments on what tumblr users mostly like, and most of them were not positive at least not for me. But here I am, writing my first post, and turning myself into one of those tumblr people.

Maybe, if I need to think of a reason why, it must be something to do with my lack of motivation to write my dissertation. I have a 10.000 dissertation waiting for me. But I keep finding things to distract me from my responsibility. I was not a procrastinator, but nowadays it was so hard for me to focus. oh god why.

Another reason, this might be more relevant, I just want to develop a creative writing skill. I trained myself before by writing a diary, but as apparent in the title of this post, I have problem with committing to something. instagram, facebook, diary, even agenda, it was so hard for me to make commitment to write thing on those platforms. So hopefully, this time I would actually commit.

finger-crossed.

What should I make this blog about? travel, food, or just place where i could write everything in my mind? do i have to have a specific theme for my tumblr account? i guess i dont. haha it shows how inconsistent i am as a person. but whatever, it is not like i do this for people to enjoy.