wasntmeanttobe64

[wasntmeanttobe64]

[wasntmeanttobe64]

Hello,

Today I would like to talk about love.

Love.

I learned a lot from Imene, I learned that you can care about someone, love them, even it means letting them go.

I love her, and I understand her.

You know, people make mistakes. People hurt people, unintentionally. 

I hurt her, she hurt me.

I loved her, I wanted her to love me, but her heart belonged to someone else. It always has. 

She mentioned her ex a couple of times after we talked again. 

I need to know, most of all, to remember, to forgive her.

I forgive her, and I love her.

I need to remember, most of all, to keep that heartbreaking empathy.

Even though she never loved me like I hoped, I still loved her.

She wanted someone who understood her, she wanted someone to be more in touch with their feelings, and most of all, someone that didn’t say hurtful things to her.

And I needed the same thing, and it’s okay.

I needed someone to show that they care.

To “respect” me

To show that they love me. 

That doesn’t push me away. 

Deep down, we all wanted something different. 

But just because things didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean we should let go of that empathy.

Because it hurts, it turns to jealousy, it stains everything we loved. 

I wish she could’ve done more, and she wishes the same. 

Most of all, i need to value myself, my own presence, which heartbreakingly depends on other people at times. 

Everything is so dependent on other people.

The podcasts I listen to, the culture that I immerse myself in, it needs to be peaceful, it needs to feel safe. 

Youtubers are people too. 

Journalists are people too. 

I am so ungodly afraid,

because I am starting to think

That something is so fundamentally wrong with me

That I cannot 

Relate to them either

[wasntmeanttobe64]

The ripple effects of women half naked in the streets.

How women behave affects me, directly. Why?

Because the guys I befriend learned to not be vulnerable with other guys, because they’re too busy comparing themselves to guys that get pussy.

So they shut themselves out.

I can’t have homies, good friends, because they’re depressed.

They isolate themselves.

They keep going to the gym and they want to get the attention of girls.

They’re too sad to even keep their friendships.

They keep talking about girls, they bond with other guys over their loneliness.

And I did that too.

I cut off a male very close friend because I felt unlovable by girls, and I felt like he embarrassed me too much in front of girls.

There’s a huge inequality growing in guys.

Guys who have a girlfriend and guys who don’t.

Because the guys who don’t go into this downward spiral where they destroy themselves.

And I’ve been there.

And I’ve had friends who just can’t keep friendships because they want the attention of a girl, any girl.

And the girls are taking the attention of these poor guys.

They love it, they bathe in it.

And they have boyfriends, which is disgusting.

So yeah, the behavior of women, systematically, affects me.

I’ve cut off, mostly, my female friends.

Because I felt like none of em wanted me as a partner.

It’s depressing, truly.

These guys are failing their studies, are sinking into porn addiction, etc, because they are too busy worrying: Is there something wrong with me? Why can’t I find love? Will I ever find love?

And it wasn’t always like that.

If you got an arranged marriage at 15, you wouldn’t have to think about this stuff.

You would be satisfied.

And you wouldn’t compare yourself to other guys, because you have your woman.

Women make bad choices in their partners.

And they love the attention that they’re getting.

And then when their partner cheats, and the next one cheats, it still comes to us, guys who were virgins, who then they “settle” with.

And now as a 30year old virgin, I have to deal with a non-virgin 30yo girl (/woman), who is traumatized by her ex, who tells me about her ex, who tells me about all the guy “friends” that lowkey want to date her.

And it’s disgusting, no, not disgusting, it’s heartbreaking. In the true meaning of the word. It breaks my fucking heart.

[wasntmeanttobe64]

“Are you telling other people about me?” I told her

“No.” She said.

“I feel like you are telling people about me, bonding over how much of a piece of shit I am.” I said.

“Keep thinking whatever you want.” She said.

“Do you still care about me?” I said.

“No, now you’re telling me you love me?! You became a madman, you act pretentious. I don’t recognize you anymore. I’ve always thought you were one of the few people that didn’t think of me as a girl, and while I’m going through all this hurt from you from the last time we spoke, how dare you come back to me and tell me you love me.”

“Fuck you.” I said.

“I don’t care.” She said, and left.

She finally broke me, she realized, but I really did love her.

Why is the hurt and fault all mine. I’ve dealt with things the best way I knew how. I had to hurt her. I didn’t love her sexually, I loved her soul. I asked her to love me back, the girl and everything in her. I missed her a lot. But she thought I had always been too evil. But she's been the most evil of all, I just couldn't tell her. I just kept the pain to myself, and let her talk.

So I sent her another text.

I don’t think she’s told anyone yet. She shouldn’t tell anyone about what we’ve done because everyone will know about us, and she’ll know that I have indeed gone mad.

My presence terrified her, but I had to impose it onto her, I was in love with her, and she said she loved me back.

I walked by where she lived, I looked at her until she looked at me.

What else did I know that I should’ve done.

She has to live her life thinking of me like that.

I signed up to her university to study literature.

Even if I hurt her, I was in love with her.

I took her to my car and locked the door.

I needed to talk to her again.

She pleaded to leave, she tried to scream to the people walking by, I had to shut her mouth.

There is no one like her, the way her lips are shaped over her heavy neck. She could never pay attention to things anyone said. But I want her to pay attention to mine.

I’ve never fell in love with someone as I did with her panicking body, I was in deep surrender to my chest, it felt like I could sink into my body. My baby Mabeleen, I held her lips and head.

She kept resisting, she loved me, but because of a little miscommunication, she didn’t want to talk to me again, I wanted to show her that the person she doesn’t like anymore isn't me, she loves who I really am, I’m not a madman, I’m perfect for her, and I loved her, and she loved me so much, she told me, if she didn't change her mind about me so cruelly.

I had to remind her of me, and how we have fun when we talk, how we are otherworldly.

I knew that if I let her go, she would leave and all my old friends would know what I’ve become.

I held her neck with one arm and shut her mouth with the other.

I chocked her.

She looked at me, terrified, my princess loved me.

She gave up her resistance, she shook her arm and held my crotch. She looked at me, smiling.

She wanted me to stop, and to love her.

I kept choking until she stopped moving.

At that moment, I don’t know what I’ve done. I’ve never felt so alive. My sweet lover loved me for who I am, at the last seconds of her life. I knew she would love me if she got the chance. I was chuckling, I could feel the happiness of all my past selves, I could conquer the world.

Her body laid dormetly on the other seat, my princess has finally become quiet. She was loving.

She finally could hear my words, without judgment, with full understanding, without expecting fullness, comprehension. She gave me all her attention, and she let my attention wonder somewhere else.

I’ve driven for a while. The highway was all mine, no cars were passing by, what time is it? How long has it been that I’ve committed the most lovely of crimes. I could finally notice the stars. And the coldness of the air at night. My eyes kept themselves open.

Quietly, I got my head out of my window, it was me and the world. The love of my life has loved me, the world was against us, it didn’t understand us. We were too special to communicate with words, words so clumsy, so empty, so unforgiving. But when our souls touch, when we talk with our eyes and death, we were truly in love. I could die and be happy. I loved her so much.

I started screaming.

“Look at this, look at me.” I pleaded hysterically.

I held her dormant head with one hand so she looks at the road.

The majestic night was tranquil, like her, only my headlights to light the way. I felt alive, I was the only person alive.

I had to match the scenery.

I parked on a bridge, and left the car.

Crying, happy, I looked at the passenger seat, she is still calm, not interrupting me, not selfishly taking my attention, and I jumped off.

We were in love, and my heart was requited, I had to keep my feelings for eternity. I took mabeleen’s love with me.

This person that tormented me, that haunted my thoughts and imaginations, loved all parts of me, was all mine, finally, until the end of time.

There is no better ending.

There is no better way to die.

[wasntmeanttobe64]

sorry i just realized that was crazy :3

[wasntmeanttobe64]

If you thought it was banal it means you never cared about me. You used me, so you can impress your more respectable friends, and your boyfriend. Fuck you, and leave me alone. You’re the worst person I’ve ever met, and you turned out just like the rest of everyone, thinking of me as less than a person, just because I’m quiet, I’m shy, just because I don’t fucking stand up for myself. 

Fuck you imene, you clearly didn’t feel the same way, no one feels the same way because of how I behave, how I talk to them, no one sees the human in me, until I become mean, or I shut them out. 

I am human too, I want love and attention, I want someone to ask me about my day, I want someone to fucking care the same way I do, and I’m tired of giving the wrong people attention, so they hurt me, make fun of me, use me, or disrespect me, like you did.

Everytime I said something impressive, or shared an opinion, you would point out that it was impressive, like some kind of a x factor judge, and then use it with other people. you were using my personality for other people besides me, that’s disgusting, and I’m tired of giving shit for free. 

Throughout the time I’ve known you, I don’t think I’ve ever learned something, or had something from you, that mattered. You never gave me anything, all you talked about was yourself, and I fr didn’t mind, but you ignored me, YOU IGNORED ME, for fucking years, stop pretending that we were friends, WE’RE NOT, YOU WERE A SHIT FRIEND WAY BEFORE I EVEN SAID ANYTHING!! Don’t try to paint me as the bad guy for pointing out that YOU were bad. Fuck off Imene, fuck off. You always make things about you, and it’s honestly disgusting. 

So go on, just like it was easy for you to leave me, and then speak about me with other people behind my back, and still don’t reach out to me. Leave me alone, The only reason you wanted to talk to me is because I ignored you in Maghreb, which I didn’t, but I really wish I did, because you would deserve it. I’m tired of acting, I’m tired of girls seeing me, think of me as a good person, and yet go for dickheads and complain about it, or go for people who don’t talk, who make way less effort, as if it’s cute, and then let me to die. Well guess what, I can give low effort too, to people who deserve it, and you did, so here, I gave you my nothing the way you suffocated me with yours. I didn’t want to talk to you anymore, the same way you didn’t want to talk to me, and it was all good. I gave you back what you were giving me, don’t come to blame me for it. I’m a sensitive person, when I love, I love with all my heart, but I have my limits. When someone shows that they don’t care, for YEARS, I let go and give my love to someone who reciprocates. Now the time is waaay less than years, I make my judgment in way less.

It’s not easy, and you’re part of the matrix, maybe now that you lost someone you loved, you could empathize with me, with what I’ve been going through with you, for a long time. 

I never believed in love, I never thought I’d ever be loved, I desperately wanted someone to tell me something else, but the people that I got to know, didn’t care enough to do that. I was right that I won’t be loved by you, so it was time I try again with different people who would respect me, and if they don’t, I would leave again. You were clearly using me, you didn’t respect me, you didn’t care to know me, what my dreams were, what my favorite songs were, what I do in my free time. You never called me, you never texted me throughout our whole “friendship.” I was always the one to reach out, and you think that doesn’t get to me? It does, I just didn’t want to fucking show it. And you were living in your deelusions, thinking that I will always be there, even with no effort, even while being used, I really wished you would’ve stood up for me against you, but you didn’t, you took advantage, like most people I’ve known and loved. 

I wish I never talked to you, I wish I never gave you attention. Because you don’t deserve it, you’re a tease, what you talk about with guys, what you post on social media, you’re a tease, even when you’re in a relationship, you tease other people. Your whole personality is a tease, sexually and emotionally. You’re disgusting for using people like that, my heart will never forgive you. 

You teased me, and I got nothing. And when I was deeply struggling, you let me go. And now you dare come to tell me YOU’re mad at me? You dare come to tell me that I was using you? You dare to come and tell me that it was banal for you? Ofcourse it was, your head is still up your ass. You don’t know what love is, and I paid for that. You were too busy trying to impress the people that didn’t give a fucking about you as much as I did, and when I decided I’ve had enough, all of a sudden it’s my fault? Imene, YOU stopped being my friend, a long long time ago. You weren’t a trustworthy person, a long long time ago. You didn’t care about me, you had better people to text, to call, everyday. Let’s not pretend that we were friends, because we weren’t. That’s why it was easy for both of us to MOVE THE FUCK ON. 

You were just someone who used me, who never called me or texted me first, who never asked me a fucking question about myself, and who kept me chasing. 

It was about fucking time that I tell you I’m not happy with how you treated me, it was about time I learn how to stand up for myself in general, especially for people who didn’t deserve that I open up to them, because they make everything about themselves. Throughout our friendship, all you talked about was your boyfriend, you sent me pictures of you, what you do for each other, you told me stories that I wasn’t involved in, you complained, and your boyfriend didn’t even have the decency to be a polite person when I met him in usthb. That’s the kind of people that you chose to respect over me. You’re disgusting, just like the rest of girls. They think they can talk about dick because it’s quirky and jokingly tease other guys for attention even if they’re in relationships, it’s not funny, it’s heartbreaking. 

I’m gonna find love, count on it. I’m still growing and surrounding myself with positivity, and I will share my love with positive people. I will find them and we will take over the world. Fuck you imene, fuck you fuck you fuck you. 

 — -

You are the definition of making things about you imene, the way you’re talking is fucking insane: You’re a dickhead, you’re a shitfriend, you did this, not me. Bruh, shut the fuck up XD. I am done speaking, leave me alone. 

[wasntmeanttobe64]

jhoi

Long exposure self-portraits - Smartphone photography + ink - Gif (44 frames)

[wasntmeanttobe64]

I know you know how this feels

To feel this sad

To feel this empty

To feel this suicidal.

To feel like nothing is worth it

To be eaten by the size of the ocean

and the hollow sounds of the waves.

To look within yourself

And see nothing

A lightweight dress

And boredom.

Decaying sounds of birds

And an adhan in a distance

A reminder of a longing to be complete

That I cannot think of a way to settle

If not death.

Or a lover.

Or someone.

Something.

To bite time.

[wasntmeanttobe64]

—

You never liked me

You never wanted to say it.

You kept protecting yourself behind layers

So you don’t say it

And feel bad.

And I never wanted to say it either

because I knew what you were doing

I feel like I’ve said it enough

Being the person who calls

Being the person who takes in the character

That you put in the world

Taking in your lures

And your complaints

Taking in your jokes

And the stories of your life

Taking in the surface parts of you

And validating them.

Without being included.

Taking in your tease of a love

Without being loved.

[wasntmeanttobe64]

Just be honest with yourself

You should’ve been honest with me.

You didn’t like me.

You never liked me.

And I did.

That’s why it hurt so much.

To talk to you.

And I wanted so badly

To let you go.

Because I can’t look at you again

I can’t talk to you again

When I know I’m not enough

When I can’t impress you

So just leave.

You should’ve left

And blocked me

The first time I said so.

[wasntmeanttobe64]

You said you didn’t owe me to speak to me, to meet with me, as if you have to owe me to be my friend.

All because I stopped texting you when you told me not to text you again.

All because you stopped caring about me, and I did too.

You made fun of me, you laugh reacted at my messages when I said you weren’t there for me.

You said meeting with me won’t give me closure, but u’ll “give it” to me anyways, if that means I will “leave you alone,” you said angrily.

You said you’ll do it for “our so called” friendship, a friendship that I “didn’t deserve”

And then you didn't care to meet up, you told me to come to your university, when you knew I lived 50kms away.

And you made fun of me, you did not want to meet with me, you did not want to listen to me.

You were mean to me.

You called me a dickhead and a shit friend, and you blamed me.

But you’re the one who told me not to text you again.

You asked me why I didn’t reach out, why didn’t you? I had a lot on my plate too. Why are you blaming me, why are you insulting me, why are you making fun of me?

I would never do that to you.

And then when I started blaming myself you told me you had shit going on, and I had shit going on, and we “just didn’t click, and it’s over now.” How dare you be the one to say that after all that you’ve said to me.

After all that you let yourself insult of me.

After you broke my heart time and time again.

And the ways you ignored me.

And snapped at me.

I loved you, and I left you alone.

I did not deserve those words.

And you never deserved to be my friend.

[wasntmeanttobe64]

everything hurts.

Everything is pain.

I cannot handle this loneliness.

I cannot handle being this ugly.

I truly don’t know how to make myself feel better.

Everyone let me go.

Everyone forgot about me.

No one cares about me anymore.

Except for my dad, sometimes.

I feel so bad, so so bad.

[wasntmeanttobe64]

If you think it’s banal it means you never cared, that’s why I didn’t want to put myself through the pain of talking to you again. You never asked me what’s happening with me, you never talked to me, you let me to die. So please, don’t start lecturing me about friendship and pretend that you’re hurt. If you cared, you would still be here, but you stopped being my friend a long time ago, you didn't send me anything, for a long time before I said anything.

Please leave me alone, and don’t come talking to me in real life, with the audacity to say that you’re mad at me. That’s the first thing you said, with a smile on your face. Imene, fuck off.

I’m tired. I’m tired of being the person who calls first, who texts first. I’m tired of being used whenever it suits you to talk about YOU. You never asked me what I want out of life, how my love life is going, you don’t know anything about me, about what I’m like. I’m tired of that dynamic, and I know I have a part to play in making it, but it sucks the blood out of me, and I know it sucked the blood out of you too.

I loved you, truly, but I didn’t know how to tell you. That’s why it was intense for me. I just didn’t want to tell you, I was waiting for you to say something, I was in inaction, but I was still alive, I knew that by telling you how I feel, it could either be heaven or hell. So I assumed the worst, and left. I’m no better than the next guy because of it. Because I’m not used to that, as you can obviously tell by what I look like and how I talk. People don’t fall in love with me, but unfortunately, I can fall in love. I don’t really ask much of the world, I know where I stand, and I give even when I don’t receive. But the reminders that I am not respected or loved eventually get the best of me. The way you talked to me, the way you didn’t think I was capable, or I had a worthwhile story to tell, how my day went wasn’t important. I’ve never been loved so I don’t know how to love or how to ask for it, that’s what made it so painful for you, and so painful for me.

I thought I said that I loved you enough, by calling you, texting you. But you clearly didn’t feel that way, and you had a life of your own, that you didn’t care to involve me in it.

And for a long time I was fine with that, but I was tired of that distance, I was tired of calling someone in a crisis of loneliness, and them not caring. It wasn’t just that call, it was long before that I couldn’t feel safe with you anymore. You could’ve done something, but you didn’t, and even after that call, you didn’t. So no matter how hard I act, and how genuinely I am happy to see you, my heart can’t forgive you. You knew, I know you did. You knew that there was something about me, an insecurity, that made me do that. You knew that I was lonely, you knew that my social skills were a barrier to how I function in society, and you knew, that I didn’t have the words to say how I truly felt, and you still left me, you still ignored me. You didn’t want to say outright that you didn’t want to talk to me, but your actions did. Don’t blame me, when I was only giving you what you wanted.

I am still trying to find love, and to be a person who is comfortable with it. It’s a long journey for me, longer than yours, miss popular and pretty girl whose phone doesn’t stop ringing with messages, and whose friends apparently fall in love with her all of the time. You didn’t care for me, you had a boyfriend, and more respectable friends.

I was bitter against you, that’s what made me lash out. I could’ve just kept you, and let you see me grow, and invite you into my life whenever you wanted, whenever you felt safe with who I am, without judgment. But I am no angel, I get bitter and I get upset, I get jealous and I want attention sometimes. I know it’s bad, but I was there for you for years, taking in the pain of life and solitude, taking in the pain of being in the margins of your life, listening to your stories, and be a good little npc, even though I had wants and needs of my own that desperately cried for warmth. My love was pure and unselfish for a long time, if anything, you have to give me that.

I had less than you, but I still tried, I tried so hard, but I decided I’ve had enough, I ran out of life, and I kept the little that I had left for me, to last at least another year. If you reached out to me, I would’ve answered, if you apologized, if you cared, I would’ve welcomed you. I stopped reaching out to people, I stopped asking for attention, but I gave attention back to whoever came to me first. I admit, not a lot did.

I admired you a lot, but I cannot give without receiving, receiving even with just saying that you are trying.

At least, not ignore me.

At least, check up on me.

At least, something, anything.

At least, when I get angry and say I don’t wanna be friends anymore, say something, don’t leave me.

But you did.

You said nothing, and you were ready to leave, as if you’d been ready for a long time.

You knew there was something wrong with me, and you still left me.

Because you asked Malik and knew there was something wrong with me.

I really did love you, I still love you when I remember you like I am doing now, but I hope to god I stop loving you again soon, because it hurts so much when it’s so one-sided, for so long.

Love will always be the loss, someone’s absence is always when I remember how much I love them, I hoped that you would feel that for me. My feelings change a lot depending on my mood, but all I see now is how cruel the world is. How I am fucking annoying when I talk to someone I like. Maybe I gave too much of my soul, maybe I left out some mystery. Maybe for me to be loved, I constantly need to be in a shadow, and I need not ask too much of the other person. Or maybe, I’m giving myself too much credit, I think I was just selfish, but only god and I know you were selfish too.

All I know is that it’s been painful for me, talking to someone who doesn’t feel the same way about me. That’s why when you told me not to text you again, it felt like a big relief, and I was hoping, praying, pleading for dear life, that I will find the same kind of connection with someone, where I somehow act right, so we can both follow our rhymes in harmony, so we don’t annoy each other, so it doesn’t hurt, so they don’t ignore me, so I don’t ignore them.

And the reason I stay quiet, is because I gave up.

What’s the point? What’s the point of telling you how I feel when how you feel is more important to you.

What’s the point of being clever with words, when it’s just another selfish thing, because whoever has better words can get out of this more unscathed.

Why am I better than your other friends, and those others guys, who don’t have words of their own, but their feelings are just as valid, their needs are as good as mine, as powerful as mine.

Who you’ve also broke their hearts.

What’s the whole point.

You have too many friends, but only because I was not an important one.

[wasntmeanttobe64]

I was holding on at the edge of the cliff

With only my fingertips

But I stopped

And I carried myself to the top of the cliff

To see the view.

And if they come to kill me

If they get angry and hunt me down with their arrows

I will die on the top

My dead body will glimmer

In the golden rays of a sunrise.

My blood will be warm for the worms.

In the winter morning

I never asked for anything

And I am grateful for the friendships you gave me.

But it wasn’t enough.

I hope I paid you back enough.

For your kindness

But I was bitter

Because you thought

That I wasn’t enough.

You thought

That very little

Was all I deserved.

But god knows I’ve tried

To be nice.

I’ve tried,

To pay you back.

[wasntmeanttobe64]

I cry whenever I watch a good movie

I cry whenever I’m in a concert

I cry whenever I’m having fun with friends.

I cry because I remember what it felt like to feel alive

In the middle of a fog.

I cry because I would've been enough for you like this.

[wasntmeanttobe64]

You’ve always pittied me.

Being friends with you was a favor for you.

Well maybe I shouldn’t be a pity.

I deserve to be respected.

Not helped.

[wasntmeanttobe64]

He’s not half the man you are, ask her out, ask these guys out. Don't let anyone else make you think you don't deserve what you want, including you.