watdamatt - Tumblr blog

[watdamatt]

We are constantly bombarded with the idea that we need to work hard to reach our goals. What if my goal is to not have to work so hard? I just think I worked so hard for the past 10-15 years that I burned out.

[watdamatt]

Dreamt of you again.

[watdamatt]

Fuck, my brain is deeply fried after a literal whole day of doing revisions 🥴 didn't know I reviewed 2433 cards all in all today. Let's hope everything is going to pay off. 5 days left till PSBIM

[watdamatt]

Feb 6, 2024

11:10a

You and I, an almost.

Again and again, always on the verge of almost. Everytime we meet, an almost. What happens everytime we meet, also an almost.

Never nothing.

Never something

[watdamatt]

Leaving to live in another country for love. A different kind. Story of my sad life. Yes.

[watdamatt]

I see most of my friends getting hitched, looking so happy and content. I am happy for them. But as Charles Bukowski said, "and when nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. what do you call it, freedom or loneliness?"

.......

Accolades and career advancement are not what I want. People seem to be mistaking me for someone else when they think I want those. I could care less.

What I want is a home to live in, stable finances, and you.

I don't dream much but just getting my turn would be nice. But again, I won't be married if it's not to you... If it will, that will make me the happiest.

What a sad fucking life.

[watdamatt]

Finally processed that the idea of leaving this place is getting closer. It's within reach. I received the contract for the post in Singapore and have already signed and sent it back to HR. A few more steps and I am out.

[watdamatt]

November 25, 2023

10:14pm

Since we are parting ways, maybe forever, I feel I must unburden myself and be real honest with you. Don't be alarmed. I don't expect your favor but I can't in good conscience not reveal myself.

Maybe it's the way you looked at me. Your eyes were the only eyes that looked at me like that. I don't know. I don't exactly understand. But ever since we met, I have this nagging feeling that we'll always be connected somehow. For years, I have waited for that connection to comeback. I waited for you to look at me like that again. Turns out, it was me that misunderstood. Again. You never felt the same way ever. It was me that just overstepped your friendship - it was just me that never moved on after. Even when I look away, I'm still looking. Because if you walk into a room and notice what's missing from it, it's still there isn't it? Funny because I'm not so much into poetry and lines, but the first poem I wrote that wasn't about you was still about you haha.

If my message long ago was not clear - I won't ever be engaged or married unless....it's to you. For me, it always has been, and always will be you, my D, no matter what I do or wherever life takes me. I'll continue praying for your health and life.

Take care of yourself always.

With love,

The Other D

[watdamatt]

Usually when people ask how I'm doing, the real answer is I'm doing shitty, but I can't say I'm doing shitty, because I don't even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say, "I'm doing shitty," then they say, "Why? What's wrong?" And I have to be like, "I don't know, all of it?" So instead, when people ask me how I'm doing, I usually say, "I am doing so great."

[watdamatt]

Something always brings me back to you. It never takes too long.

No matter what I say or do. I'll still feel you here 'till the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch, you keep me without chains.

I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your reign

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity

Here I am, and I stand. So tall, just the way I'm supposed to be

But you're on to me and all over me.

You're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go. The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down.

[watdamatt]

I've tried to forget, but you linger on. A ghost from the past, never truly gone.

Like a ship anchored to the shore, I can't seem to set myself free. A presence that still lingers, a ghost of what used to be.

What if I can't forget you, what if you're near? Just a desperate man waiting for words he'll never hear.

[watdamatt]

Where do I start? I am currently a third year internal medicine resident and I can say, professionally, I am what you can call one of those that seemingly got everything together, a successful person in the field so far. I graduated medicine as top 8 in a class of 199 students, I was the most outstanding clerk, the most outstanding intern, entered residency and scored 99th percentile on my 1st and 2nd year annual national residency training exam. I have competed in various competitions (in medicine and residency) and won some. I now just recently won the regional internal medicine cup and am set to compete nationally this coming May for the finals. I am also currently the chief resident of the program.

Somehow, despite all these things, I find myself unfulfilled, jaded, and unhappy with myself. With everything. I get home and it's still the same. I heard I topped an exam but it didnt make any difference. The same looming feeling still haunts me everytime I get home. Unfortunately, deep down, I don't think I have anything (at all) together.

I cannot see myself practicing medicine in the future because I am honestly tired. I want to do something that is totally different from what I am doing now. I want to leave this career but I also dont know what to do after. I am already 30 years old and I cant see myself getting a new type of education at this point. I want to be genuinely happy and fulfilled but I dont know where or how to start. I think of my parents when I get these thoughts and I immediately regret I even thought of these because they sacrificed so much for me already. I can see they are both massively proud of me. I dont want to disappoint them but I want to feel something.

I don't know what to do. It will be in a few months until I graduate. I cant wait.

I took an international exam to practice abroad just so I can leave this town. Maybe this place is the factor? Or him.

My seniors and some consultants keep on telling me to go to cardiology fellowship but I dont see myself ever pursuing any fellowship for that matter. They say I owe the world my talent and skill but I didnt ask for any of these.

[watdamatt]

Our friends' wedding.

We met again. I noticed you doing the things you have done before - repeatedly glancing over my direction and slowly going over my position eventually sitting next to me at the afterparty. Or maybe I am just delusional thinking about it like this.

One thing I am sure though - I felt everything I thought I was already done with. And even though talking to you was the only thing I wanted that night, I didnt have the guts to do it. Im guessing you too because you didnt talk to me either. There's really no compelling reason for us to not be talking to each other, but it's here, it's happening.

I dont want and want to see you at the same time.

I wish I could leave sooner.

[watdamatt]

There are no missed opportunities. Everything you missed was not yours.

[watdamatt]

When I was drowning, I calmed myself down. I was the one who unplugged the drain - not my friends, not my family - me. You won't always have somebody to do it for you. Sometimes you have to be the catalyst for yourself.

[watdamatt]

Sunday, 6th of November '22

Usually when people ask me how I'm doing, the real answer is: I'm doing shitty. But I cant say I'm doing shitty because I don't even have a good reason to be doing shitty. So if I say "I'm doing shitty" then they say, "why what's wrong?" And I have to be like, "I dont know, all of it?"

[watdamatt]

Sunday, 6th of November '22

Seriously can't wait to get the fuck out of this city. Aside from the fact that I feel like I have exhausted every potential this place has to offer, this city knows me too much. I want to move out and start anew. Rebrand myself. There's so much I want to be that I dont want most people from here to know.

I wanna do automotive repairs and maintenance, do hiking and all that outdoor stuff, collect plaid shirts and boots, have my own coffee bar, wanna go to fan meets, have an afternoon chill in a park, learn a new instrument and commit to it, have consoles at home and play videogames, visit bars by myself and try on different beer varieties. I cant do all of those here. I wont find any place of my own, the healthcare system is shit and insufferable, urban life is limited and there's really nothing much to do in this city. I wont even talk about the pay anymore. This city is not enough. I am missing out on too much by staying here. I am already 30 years old and I feel like I have not achieved anything. And while most of it I have to blame myself, part of it is because of the way this place has conditioned the way life in Davao should be.

1 more required year and I am out of this place.