wateenvent

[wateenvent]

So you recognize that you did something wrong, which has to do with your communication and then decide to not react to me because I was being rude and attacking according to you?? You know what, I was being rude. I should not have said those things. But isn't it ironic that me being rude is me saying you don't follow your protocols and being bad at communication- THUS YOU DECIDE TO NOT FOLLOW YOUR PROTOCOL AND NOT COMMUNICATIE WITH ME.

I have a tendancy to fill in what will happen in a situation. I shouldn't do that but it is hard to do that when my predictions are right 9/10 times huh. I should've just cropped my anger inside and stayed nice while you scam me out of my money, more than 1 time too.

People like you won't learn. You say you are open to discussing this nicely and that there will be compensation. Why would I believe your word on that while I did that before and got screwed over?? Saying that I should've come to you IRL instead of doing WHAT YOUR PROTOCOL SAYS ONLINE. I did what I was supposed to do and yet I am yet again at fault for doing it wrong. It's always my fault huh? You even said that you indeed were wrong, but that you won't waste energy on people who react like me. how ironic.

You're saying I was demanding compensation within a week-. That's false, I wanted a reply, because your site says that it would take a week at max or that you'd reply. And then you continue to NOT do that.

I just know that people like that can just sleep well at night, just continhe work with a smile and eventually forget about screwing others over like that, while I'm someone who churns and grinds on these memmories, knowing damn well I can't do anything about it anymore. It's not fair isn't it. You win, you have scammed me, you have profits, nothing changes for you. At best, you received a little tap on the fingers from head office. At best, two people will listen to me and avoid your place.

I should be proud of showing emotion, not suppressing anger and defending myself, but no I went overboard and now it's my fault right? I did wrong, I should've not listened to the literal steps you say to follow. A bit crooked innit?

This won't leave my head. Now I just have more reason to avoid the outside world and contact with people. I should predict things and reactions, but yet again, I was right. No actually, I was wrong, it went worse than I predicted. A lesson well learnt.

[wateenvent]

Low of you to take a hit at my race and identity. I'd like to say I'm furious, but I'm laughing my ass off every time I read the message back.

I'd like to go even lower than you went. To take a stab at the things that you told me with trust and things that I KNOW will ick you in the worst way. Horrid and foul thoughts constantly buzz through my head, and I can't lie, they amuse me. BUT i do not send them to you, like you did.

If you were hurt, you could've told me what I did wrong. Even if you said it angered and shouting, fine. YOU were the one who wants people to be direct, and find it childish when people can't talk shit out. Now look at yourself and weep.

Complaim about loneliness, when yoh are the one burning bridges down. And when the others decide to burn the bridge between you two, they'll always be in the wrong. No it can't be that YOU did something. THEY are in the wrong and you are alway in the right.

May all hardships in your life flourish.

[wateenvent]

No need to get pissed because I lower my voice to sing,lmao calm down. I'm just doing this for fun, what does it matter if I change the pitch I sing. Not even edit it, no just lower my voice.

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Girl what the fuck, just yesterday I told you how your words hurt me and then today you say some more provoking/hurtfull things. I just gave you a hint on a small task you could do in 15 minutes, and then you go and, firstly, swipe that aside and don't even react to it, and then ask me about why I am not doing something that is literally changing your lifestyle??? People online told me what you did at first was a red flag and that it was toxic, but I accept one flag on a mountain of experiences. Don't do some shit like make me 'realise' the whole fucking mountain was red.

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FUCK ME IN THE DICK- I feel like shit.

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Thoughts and worries cloud up the mind.

The tiniest bit of electricity turning the clouds into a storm, for it has grown accustomed to a lack of stimulants.

Yet, even when there are no clouds, the sun is not appreciated.

The sun is experienced, remembered and is what brings light into the darkness of the mind.

What pleases the mind as it can't even appreciate the sun?

The mind wants to appreciate it, however finds it has changed compared to the past

and the sun seems to shine less as it is not appreciated, leaving the mind in darkness, for which it blames it self.

[wateenvent]

Always feeling lonely and craving things like a relationship or sex. But knowing that I am not in the state to have a relationship properly and am too ashamed of myself to do sexual stuff with others.

What a pathetic piece of shit.

Just hurry up and starve yourself some more. Perhaps one day, you will think you have starved enough to deserve kindness from yourself.

[wateenvent]

A drinking night at a friend's house. Four people including me, friends together with alcohol and good times in general. Time seemed to fly that evening and we had lots of fun with music, pics and drinks ofcourse.

Be me, a stupid lonely bisexual who grew a liking to one of his friends, a tall guy who is clever and radiates chill vibes. I however am also way too awkward to make obvious stept towards another in a romantic way, and he has only had girlfriends in the past.

I knew that nothing would come from the feelings I felt for him, but couldn't stop them either. It sucks.

The four of us stayed up till late before deciding to go to sleep. There are not enough beds so two sleep in the livingroom and two in the bedroom. One asks who wants to sleep in the livingroom, Tall Guy(TG) says he is fine with it. Almost immediately after he said that, another friend says she'll join him.

Queue me and other dude sleeping in the bedroom. Me the slightest bit dissapointed by the lack of sudden gayness,but reality is not as gay as I please, sadly enough.

The next morning, friend and I wake up in the bedroom and we go to the livingroom. TG and the girl are undressed on the couch together. Girl hides under blanket while laying ln TG's chest. Friend and I quickly go back to the bedroom to give the two some time to get dressed and such.

Friend laughs, saying how predictable it was for them to hook up. I chuckle back and such, but really just felt bad. We go back to the livingroom in a bit and the two are dressed and chuckle about the night before and end up dating for a while.

I want to see my friends happy and wish the best for them, so I felt bad for feeling bad whenever I was together with them. I KNOW- that TG and I will never become a thing or something, but I still felt bad.

Nowadays when I meet with him, I find myself sometimes looking at him more intently. When I do, I quicky stop. Nothing will happen between us. No steps will be made. Yet my mind keeps holding on for some stupid reason. Just stop you hopeless romantic. This is for the best. Their happyness is more important. I do not want to lose them as friends.

[wateenvent]

ShutTheFuckUp, ShutTheFuckUp, ShutTheFuckUp, ShutTheFuckUp, ShutTheFuckUp, ShutTheFuckUp.

Your fucking voice is so obnoxious and fucking loud. You fucking know you can speak normal, but whenever you grab your phone and start calling for 5 hours long you fucking SCREAM so annoyingly loud. Shut the fuck up! "mY oWN hOMe!!" fuck yourself,more people live here. No one wants to hear your uselessly loud and annoying calls the whole fucking day.

Your voice gets so fucking annoying it actuallu hurts my head if I stay in the same room with you. The fucking annoying high tones you constantly do fucking HURT MY EARS. AND YOU KEEP FUCKING DOING IT. NO ONE NEEDS TO FUCKING YELL THAT MUCH.

Keep your fucking mouth shut. Stop fucking yelling all the time. It INDEED is your home, so shut the fuck up and have some peace? The fucking neighbours hear your loud fucking voice EVERY DAY TOO. Just fuck off and stop fucking YELLING.

[wateenvent]

Life is terrible, horrific, vile, disgusting and I crave for the day that death embraces me and frees me from this torture.

I want to embrace death myself but I am a pain in the ass to myself by going against it when I get too close to death. I am only stuck with the craving and have no way to satisfy it.

Euthanasia is legel here, but there are strict rules. If one is to simply wish for death without 'cause' then the wish won't be granted. If you are already on death's doorstep and wish for him then they will grant your wish. Perhaps in the future I could also have my wish granted to embrace death before he can do so to me.

[wateenvent]

Confronted with reality, I feel bad again. The world is in chaos, pestered by a plague, fueled by xenophobia, fear and shit.

Humanity is a plague itself, destroying everything around itself to 'live' and thrive. A plague to fight a plague. People want to live, but most of them are just barely surviving.

How much of the plague will perish in this time of hardship? Will it regrow again after losing? Probably yes. Will it change? Will it learn from it's hardships? Will it appreciate the better times more now that they are no longer present?

If I am to be destroyed by the world, then may it be so.

[wateenvent]

I am so, fucking, dissapointed in you. I would've never expected you to accept those actions from your loved ones. If you truely love them then you should strive for them to be the best version of themselves. Their best self should not be filled with anger, frustration, sadness and obsession. You accepting that, only shows how much you truely love her.

Because of THEIR actions, they could've also gotten very hurt. You feel like it's okay because she got hurt mentally, but look at her reaction. Do you really think that what she did made her more happy about the situation? Does she feel good? losing herself to her emotions. Does she feel strong and proud for fighting someone who didn't attack? Did her crying WHILE SHE WAS ATTACKING mean she had tears of happyness? did she feel relief? Did all her cursing and violence make all bad that happened fine? No. And you know that damn well.

You two were selfish and only thought about yourselves. You only accepted one answer and nothing else. The other talked calmly, honestly and said that they could not give that without it being fake. You also don't accept the fake. You know that you two cannot get that thing truely, but when confronted with it and asked what you want that is ABLE to happen, you don't reply and talk around it.

The other girl was acting like an adult, proper and respectfull in the situation. You let your partner do as she pleased and attack the other, verbally and physically, while that girl didn't do jack fucking shit in the situation except share her side of the story and give honest answers. Your partner is childish and selfish. The world doesn't and won't kneel at her will. There will be bad things in life and hard times happen, but if you only sit in pity when that happens and blame everyone around you then you will not come far.

I expected better of you. You let your actions be influenced by your emotions and let your loved one do it too. You watched as someone who you used to call friend was being attacked by your partner. You did nothing, showed no emotion, didn't say anything, did jack fucking shit. Are you happy with your actions? Are you happy that nothing got better about the situation and it only got worse because of your actions? Are you happy? No.

You will still feel anger when thinking about the other girl. Your partner will feel anger and frustration when she hears her name. Your relation with your partner will still have the thorns that have grown because of the past. No amount of curses and or punches will heal that. It will only get buried in more and more anger. Even if the other girl would die, then that will still not change anything about the past. You must know that, seeing your reaction in conflict.

You are not happy. You are not better than her. You are not fixing YOUR relation by attacking anyone outside of it. And you are not strong. You are one of the weakest persons I know, both you and your partner.

I am dissapointed in you. I lost respect for you. You showed true weakness with your actions and now feel strong for admitting that you did that. Your actions were a mistake and you must learn from that, not be proud of acknowledging it.

Yes. The other girl also did bad things. You also did. You can feel regret about your actions since it had big consequences and because they are YOURS. How someone else feels, acts and thinks is NOT something that is in your power to mend. You know that, you are not a dumb person. It must feel terrible yes, unfair and evil. But those things are out of your hands. You should not frustrate and concentrate about things that are outside of your ability to change. You can't change the past and you can't force someone to think differently.

You should focus and work on the things that ARE in your ability to change. Your actions, your words, your thoughts, NOT the ones from another. You can ofcourse confront them about their actions et cetera and ask them to make change, but if they do not change any of those after the request then you must accept it and set focus on things more important. If you cannot be around someone for whatever reason, then don't. Lowering yourself to high levels of public vulgarity and violence won't heal anything.

Now that all contact is gone, you two have no one to blame and attack directly. You two now have no detour and have to face the conflict that is your relationship.

I do not wish for such people in my life. You let your partner act like this, the one you love most. That means you'd also accept actions like that from me. I do not want that. If someone let's me act like that, then they do not care about me. If someone won't try to bring the best out of me, then they are not worth being called a friend and they are not. It saddens me, thinking about the good times, but if the outlook on the future is muddied by actions like these, then I'd rather have a different future without you.

I wish you the best, as a former friend. May life be kinder to you. May your hardships be outbalanced by joy and may you grow as a person.

[wateenvent]

I have no goals in life. Nothing to strive to on a hard day, no reason to fight hardship and no reason to get up except that I have to.

Why help me if I can't show motivation behind my choice? I can, but all is negative. Well you shouldn't think like that. just say that you ARE gonna do it. Yes because forcing myself to like this all is going to make me like it. No you dont have to like it but stand strong behind your choice. I don't WANT this, I only chose this because its the least shit. Then are you going to do that? yeah... No why can't you say it properly. Because-No because. Then nothing.

Why the fuck would you indeed help a fucking brat that doesn't want to do anything. Because it'a your job, If I am not worth your time then say so and I will gladly leave you the fuck alone.

My friends are moving on without me, I don't have any ambitions in life, I am only a burdon for the people around me.

[wateenvent]

lonely

i feel so lonely. one of my classmates told me people want a relation more because of the season. I don’t know if it is because of that. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t

Maybe, it is because of all the questions about my crush. i finally messaged them again today. They always react so happy. but they do with everyone. i miss them, i haven’t seem them for so long. i could have taken my chance but i was too late. at valentines day i sent them a card. the day after i sent it they shared a picture with their new partner.

i will see them again in two weeks. i hope their partner isn’t there too. i will drink to forget than. I think my weekend would be ruined when i see their partner. i don’t want the weekend to be shit my friends bought the ticket for me and i don’t want their money to go to waste.

i want to ask them to the ball. but, the ball  starts at 11. the last train leafs the station at 11. i don’t think i can pull two all nighters. i’d die. if they say yes though, then i’ll survive. i’ll be overjoyed. i’ll ask them it they are going to the ball tomorrow. i’ll then ask them. i can also know if their partner will be there then. i’ll just have to see.

it is love, or drinking. or both, even better.

[wateenvent]

a hobby is something that should be enjoyable in your free time. It is something that helps you kill time and mostly brings joy to one self.

My hobby had changed my life. I cannot imagine a life where I did not start this hobby. It brings me joy. My best friends I have met because of this hobby. My first love, my second one too. I have shown my talents immensely and have become so much better in this craft.

however. This past time, my hobby is the one thing killing me. all the stress and fear ans anxiety I have is caused by my hobby. appearance and image is the main thing about this hobby. I have come to love and now HATE my own body.

today's beauty standards are hell. People starve themselfe ti squeeze their body in an XS for the sake of fashion but get shamed for being too thin. But, being too heavy for people's standards is also not good.

I am on the too big side. I want to be able to just buy the things I need, but all will be too small for me. xxxxxl often jsnt enough for me. Asian sizes demotivate me. THAT'S WHY, i'll just make my own stuff.

or so i thought.

i made an entire outfit myself from scratch, me, a human with no knowledge of clothes and no interest in it. I made it and spent well over 80 bucks on fabric alone. however i fucked up. I worked so long on everg single piece. i screamed out of frustration and had sleepless nights. All for it to be ruined the week before the big show off. I finished everything tried it on, and it's too small. I, made it myself because bought clothes would be too small, and the i fuck it up myself. It feels tight, i feel exposed and uncomfortable in it.

I promised friends, who worked and ARE STILL WORKING on their things so hard, that i'll wear that outfit. But now i just want to tear it apart. The other outfit i promised is too small too. i bought 2 typed and both are too small.

they asked me if i had camo pants, so that we could match. i dont own any and they offer me a shirt. I hesitated but didnt say no because of anxiety. I am terrified. I know that it wont fit. i know i will panick when i will try it on. they told me they wont mind. but i know they are dissapointed somewhere in their mind.

i already dissapointed them before. I bought an outfit and it was too tight. i said it would fit in a few weeks, the weeks pas by like a fucking race car. the week before the event, i was crying. The first time i cried in the year. On my knees in my room, clutching at an xxxl size outfit that i cant fit in and crying so much. i messaged one friend and told them, they gave a generic answer. it was the first time i messaged someone while actually crying.

i know the person didnt quite know what to say. it was awkward and i felt like i was screaming for attention. I want to scream again. i want them to know that shit wont work, but i dont want to dissapoint them. I will however dissapoint them eventually when i dont tell anything. it's just avoiding certain death.

I wish i was bullemic, or anorexic or fucking both. when you are too thin you can still fit in all clothes, baggy clothes are amazing and you will look slender and nice. when you are too fat, you literally can't choose. 90% of the clothes dont fit. when you are thin, you can at least put it on.

i just want to be thin. too thin, just on the brink of anorexic, but i'll be happh too with being too thin. I want to be pretty and handsome.

perhps i should just go. no one wants a self depricating fat human. I am too big of a coward to kill myself. i have thought about it countless times. drowning seemed nice, but it is just suffocating. fire is terrible. jumping of a building is regret. using the helium bag method is the most painless method. you just get unconcious and die within 20 minutes. need a helium tablet though. there is also a way with a certain chemical used to wash golden rings. mix it with a bit of water and drift asleep to neverland.

all sounds tempting.

i have to tell my friends about the outfit. and my mental health. i stop ny hobby for a small period of time after this week. for the sake of my mental health. I want to be happy. i still want love. i onlh get love because if my hobby. when i will take a break, i will get 0% love. i wilk hate it. but my self image is more important i think. I will see how all goes. i'll drink the pain away. i'll smoke till i cant breath and i'll cry till ill go blind

[wateenvent]

i really crave affection. well no it doesn't even have to be love. i want physical contact. i want proof that i'm alive. hurting one self doesn't do the same as touch of others. i want to be pained by others.

i want to be tied down and fucked till i'm begging. i want to be filled all day while crying my eyes out. i want to be ravished and destroyed beyond recognition. i want to be used and broken to the point i cannot live without the euphoria. be merciless, be faul, be a true monster and hurt me deep deep inside.

[wateenvent]

“hate”

if you send hate to someone you dont know, follow and never had an interaction with. How can you eveb expect to be taken serious with a name like “gay_voltron_69_space”? why the fuck would you spend your new years eve sending hate to 3 random fucking people you dont know because one of your “friends” has beef with them?

why can’t that one “friend” take care of their own shit? why do their dirty work? because they are roo sweet to do such things? “oh i’ll do it for you dear.” hell no, it’s only so that you can feel a bit better by forcing yourself to think that you did something good by sending a lousy message to someone at 00:00. fucking boohoo that you won’t get a reply, but you’ll get to be a laughing stock to a heap of people so do not worry.

would you kindly look out for who you are sending shade too? like someone who has been in the community for 4/5 years, hasn’t had drama before and has tons of friends and fans will not give a fuck about your small minded opinion. And who do you think people will believe more? a random newbie or the person known for kindness for solid years.

I really appreciate you taking your worthless time and spend it on me! only makes your life so much less meaningfull. your ancestors must be proud of you, Gay_voltron_69_space.

[wateenvent]

lovey dovey

Everyone is all lovey dovey nowadays. Perhaps it is because it's the season that people seek for affection and perhaps that's why I am like this too, but I am fucking envious of them all.

How come that two of my friends started dating and are happy and sappy together now? How come that my "crush" who rejected me is now constantly talking about/with HIS crush from Germany? How come he gets to feel loved by all of his friends and people who confess on a daily base? How come that friends don't have time for me nowadays because they are going to spend time with their partner?

How come that the last time I got a hug was more then two weeks ago? How come that the last time I got a kiss was that of one sided love last year? How come that I don't smile when I hear my friends are meeting up? How come the only way I can rant about all of this shit is by some fucking shitty writing on a blog no one will ever see, while my friends rant daily and get motivating and loving messages from all their friends? How come that I go to bed early every day but stay up till 2 a.m alone, hugging my blanket and fantasizing about a relation I'll never get, while my friends stay up late and fall asleep with their phone after texting all day with their loved one?

I should be happy for them, I know that, but I simply can't because I'm petty and lonely.“You're just a selfish prick.” “You're simply jealous.” “Don't be so childish!” “Pfff same." “Boohoo poor you.” “You only think about yourself!”

I know.

I just want to be loved.