waterbird7 - Tumblr blog

[waterbird7]

You can't heal in the same place that made you sick.

[waterbird7]

You're born helpless so you find strength. Then that's all they want you for, to use you. And you find love, but it isn't real. It's a wish someone made once, before they even knew who you were. And you find power, and it turns to ash in your hands.

[waterbird7]

Isolation.

It's been 3 years since the pandemic and I've never felt so isolated from those I love.

During lockdown I was surrounded by those I loved the most. The most. Down to my atoms. Now, 3 years later, I'm completely alone.

Loneliness is a tyrant. It rips you raw and keeps beating you down to a pulp. It's a physical pain that crushes your chest inward, splits your abdomen open and leaves you to bleed out... with nobody there to help you. Because you're alone.

There is nobody there to help you stand when you can't get out of bed, to hold when you need to be loved, to support you when you need courage to live. It's an echoing scream but you can't see the walls throwing your voice back at you; knocking you down as you've found the strength to stand back up.

I don't want to be in isolation anymore. I need to be loved. I need to be held. I need to be wanted.

Sit down and shut up, girl. You don't deserve what you need.

[waterbird7]

My anger built up in that quiet, loud way

Like dishes in the sink

Like text messages written but never sent

Like the way I drive faster when I pass by your house

I never really let you know how it hurt me to watch you go

Instead of letting it out, I let it seep into my bones

I think that was my mistake because I let your choice become me

I took your decision and wrote the word unlovable across my forehead and scratched the word abandoned into my palms as if this were my burden to carry

So I’m tired of being quietly angry and wearing words that were never mine

I am not unlovable, you are just unkind

I was not abandoned, you left me behind

[waterbird7]

No one ever just says…

Stay this moment. Make it last forever.

For my body is stained with the desire to be loved; an effigy of pure and desperate impermanence.

For I have used my time bare… with hapless and teetering affairs that meant nothing to anyone and everything to me.

I hold nothing but heartache; hoping for a chance to prove that I’m a journey worth struggling for.

[waterbird7]

https://www.polyphilia.blog/home/so-you-want-to-be-a-unicorn

https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/dating-advice/unicorn-in-a-polyamorous-relationship/

[waterbird7]

Do you ever find yourself going into an anxiety ridden black hole? Where whatever you do, you just keep thinking of things that make you more and more anxious? To the point where you wanna vomit?

So, this has been happening a little bit more lately. And the most fucked up thing is? The only thought that actually quells my anxiety is the thought of suicide. Hah.

[waterbird7]

They got married. Something I was (and am) excited about.

I remember her sitting me down and telling me nothing would change. That she loved me. That they both loved me.

Things changed. She hates me.

She now hates me. I miss her. I miss him. I’m miss wanting to live. I miss being loved.

[waterbird7]

And just like that I did it. I told the two most important people I have ever loved that I am leaving.

It was as emotional as one would expect it to be and it was also the most real conversation that we have had in months… go figure hey. Regardless, I said my piece and got to hear hers. I’ve at least been given a small glimpse of her side which can at least allow me to understand her. I just wish we had been able to talk like this preceding this terrible day.

In the end, I’m the one that needs to work on things and I’m the one that needs to change. Which is fair when in this terrible mental state. And me removing myself from this is probably going to help all three of us. Hopefully I can get some healing in there, and I hope with all my souls and body that they don’t forget about me too quickly… granted, that would probably be best.

This is horrendous. This is gut-wrenchingly painful. I’m leaving my home, my family my heart. I will love you two until the day I die.

[waterbird7]

Home

So I’ve decided to leave. To remove myself from a place and situation that really seems to be hurting me more than helping me.

People talk about one’s sense of “home”. For some, it’s a place. For some it’s a feeling and for others, it’s the people. For me it’s the latter. I’ve never really felt safety in a place, I’ve found safety in those that I love. The two of them, for at least 2 years, have been my home. They have been my safety. My love. A feeling of coming home is placed in and around them.

For the past few months something has changed and we haven’t been the unit that we promised each other that we would be. My home has started rejecting me and my love. No matter how hard I try to be the person that’s good enough for them, I can’t seem to get it right. I have given my everything and my all. I have poured all of my love and my trust and my sense of purpose over them but now my cup is empty… and it’s not being filled by anything. My home refuses to acknowledge that I have needs… the need to be loved, to be touched. I have nothing left inside me to give. I am empty and broken. Completely void of anything that I once was.

I am leaving my home, my safety and my love to protect anything that may be left of me. To protect my sanity and to protect my heart. I’m leaving my home because quite frankly, my home doesn’t want me anymore.

It breaks my heart.

[waterbird7]

Heartbreak is the loneliest, most isolating feeling in the world.

[waterbird7]

There’s truly not many things worse than loneliness. Feelings wise, it’s possibly one of my most hated. With loneliness, comes the idea that you don’t feel safe where you are.

And I don’t mean the fear for your physical safety. I don’t mean abuse or torture. It’s not a feeling that’s driven by feeling that you’re about to be physically hurt.

I don’t feel safe to speak my mind. I don’t feel safe to ask for what I need to feel loved anymore. I don’t feel safe where I am and I don’t feel safe in the emotional relationship I’m in. To feel safe, one needs to not have any worry of being left behind, of being excluded and forgotten. One needs to to feel safe that they can ask for something that they need and not be punished or resented for it. I don’t feel security.

[waterbird7]

Ever look at yourself in the mirror and just think “you’re the biggest, worthless, lonely and unlovable piece of shit out there”? You ever look at yourself and think that there’s no reason for anyone to want you to be alive? Taking the resources to live when you damn well know you’re not good enough to be doing so? You ever look at yourself in the mirror and wish you were dead?

I do. Everyday.

[waterbird7]

For almost two years now, I have been living with the two people that I love most in the world. As per my previous posts, I’ve loved her since I first met her, at 15 years old twelve years ago. Him and I didn’t get on… we were both jealous of each other at a point because we could never give to her what the other could. Him and I eventually got to a point where we realised we could work together to make her life better - love her in all the ways we thought she deserved to be loved. By both loving her, we learnt a respect for each other which grew into a friendship and opened up into love. I’ve loved him for a year and a half. We all started something and for a while, it was a polyamourous triad. It was my dream. It was the unconventional life I had always wanted. And I was with her again.

Essentially, we could all three of us have an amazing life together, loving each other.

For two years now, I have been going to sleep alone with them on my mind. For two years now I have been waking up alone with them still on my mind. I’ve told them that I’m lonely; that I miss physical affection and physical intimacy (and that doesn’t include sex… god forbid I mention sex… that’s a separate post altogether). But nothing came of it and it was disregarded as me being needy I guess.

Last week, I was lying in bed, alone (of course) and I was listening to the two of them talking, laughing. I felt the most desperate longing for that. For that intimacy that comes with the conversation that happens while you’re falling into sleep, touching the person next to you. It’s honest and raw and something that makes one feel loved. safe. I haven’t had that for two years. I am so lonely. And so desperately want to feel wanted. I know I should leave, but I can’t leave the people I love the most. So each night I’m shut away in my room, alone, and a piece of my necrotic heart dies as I wish I were being loved and touched and heard.

[waterbird7]

I wonder how long it takes to get over losing close friend. I mean, a close friend dying.

I think that it would be different to losing a family member, like a mother or father, especially if that mom or dad dies before their time.

My reason for this question is simply because I have been wondering lately how long people would grieve for me if I were to die. Not in the sense that I would want them to grieve - to the contrary, I would want them to throw a good party and remember the fun, witty person that I was. I would want them to carry on with life, enjoy being alive and forget that I was there.

In a sense, I have been grieving for me. My old self; the self that used to be cocky, sexy, fun, happy and intelligently sarcastic. I mean… I’m not that anymore… I’m a shell housing an overwhelmingly large amount of incapacitating anxiety, depression and heartbreak.

Honestly, I feel like I died a while ago… or at least, I’m dying… my heart has gone necrotic. Every time she looks at me with disdain or whatever she feels toward me, I feel a physical stab in my chest. Like, it’s actually painful. Then my heart starts racing and feels like it’s trying to climb out of my ears. It’s horrendous.

But I keep trying to make her happy. I keep killing a little part of me every day so that her life is just that little bit better every day. She gets told she’s beautiful and amazing and intelligent and spectacular every day. She refuses to touch me, looks at me like I’m the hideous creatures from the pits of hell, and a little piece of my necrotic heart dies. I just hope I run out of pieces soon… I’m tired. I’m jaded. I can’t wait to be forgotten, lost in another place that isn’t here being hated for loving you.

[waterbird7]

It’s been 6 years since last posting. Seems the last few times that I did post, I was posting about the same person that has been (and probably will always be) the first thing I think about as I wake up and the last thing I think about as I fall asleep at night.

It’s been a long road and a shit tonne has happened since, but I intend to write about what is happening regularly enough for it to act as a form of catharsis for my broken heart.

[waterbird7]

Had the most amazing lady date at Mythos with miss Dianne 😊