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[watersuncharted]

this weekend i have felt so much joy and peace. i hope its a sign that joy and peace are how this year is going to go, i really do. a joy and peace im not sure ive ever felt before, if im going to be honest. 

21, huh?

i felt so celebrated and so loved. i felt so cherished and so whole. i felt so important and loved. 

21 can really do that, so it seems.

they deserve more than me and they deserve better. but i still am ever so grateful for them in my life. i didnt deserve any of it, but it was given and i am forever grateful. 

[watersuncharted]

twentyone

twenty one, huh. two whole hours in, too.

thank you so much for everything. for keeping me alive, healthy, well, loved, and so much more for 21 years. 

thank you for helping me be the person i am today. i know 20 was a tough year, but 21 is going to be so absolutely fun. 20 was a year that was of learning and of absolute grace from you. thank you. i don’t deserve the love that you give and the love that you send me. thank you for being who you are, despite who i am. i thank you for being perfect and guiding and loving. i thank you for everything. 

i pray that 21 is with you. i pray that 21 does not let me get lost in this world. i pray that 21 means love and joy and happiness and finding that in you and with others. i pray that 21 is hopeful, that 21 is spontaneous, that 21 is happy.

i pray that you are with me throughout all my days and that i grow closer to you. i pray that i am with you day and night and that i will come back. 

i pray 21 is where it all begins. that i start my life and that boyf comes quickly. i pray that 21 takes off with my worship and i pray that 21 brings me to new heights. i pray that i would learn something new and that i would be more sure of myself. i pray that 21 continues in bettering herself and loving herself more.

i pray 21 is good and pleasing to you, father. i pray that 21 is all for you, and only for you.

i give 21 in your hands.

i love you, i praise you. 

in your name i pray, amen

xx

b

[watersuncharted]

june 27, 2020

its a geevarghese wedding!

i wake up late, of course. to a bright & sunny day and an empty house. as i quickly get ready, i call joel. really annoyed since he didnt care or even know what was going on today. but, its okay. 

lisa bekah liz and my parents arrive. we set up and get this show on the road. as lisa and bekah are getting their hair done, we hop over and go get the desserts. super weird with the covid enviroment, but we waited and at long last hopped in the car with the goods and we were back at the house. we had to get the house all together and try to figure out how to fit everything in the fridge. it was interestingly weird but also kind of normal having liz around. it was like she had been gone for a long time but yet not gone at all? 

of course, i was beyond stressed throughout the whole thing because of the whole idk what to do with my hair or face situation. it was also hard because i just was trying to be on all day, you know? but its okay i was doing my best. lisa and bekah looked absolutely stunning!! their hair and faces are just beyond perfect, of course it turned out that way. 

liz and i sat and did the same looks, not much to our surprise they looked way better but the make up artists truly did so well. 

my parents kept scampering in and out of the room and my dad kept whispering and it was super funny but uncomfy all at the same time. 

they then loaded up the car as i started doing my mother’s hair. i must say it was not my best work, but we did what we could give the circumstances. 

then we hopped in our respective cars and drove drove drove all the way to the city. I MISSED CHICAGOO!!! it had been so long an driving down LSD really warmed my heart. i was so happy. good tunes, funny conversations and just overall jitterbug nerves. good times. 

we get there, and it’s go time. we learn: theres nothing that we were told! theres no fridge, theres no easels, the tables are on the ground, the place isn’t set up yet, the people outside are taking years to setup. not good. we quickly try to move everything inside before it all melts because wooooeee its 90 degrees and the sun aint letting up. then we are playing a waiting game. appeitzers dont come. cake comes, but has been markingly ruined.

marissa and mike have been now told to be in the ceremony, so that’s awkward. so what do we do? we try to kick it into high gear and PLATE. no one is PLATING. cake and frosting, all over my dress. lisa comes in with tide to go. i come back : no one hs PLATED ANYTHING. so i finish plating and all these idiots are standing around. 

enter: becky and sam: BREATHTAKING. unreal. her dress is insane and absolutely gorgeous. everyone is being rushed in. right before the ceremony, we give rachel her box. 

the pastor: SOOOO funny. “she is wow” “spaghetti” i cried truly cried and my nose was running because my eyes couldnt. 

beckys bouquet was insanely heavy so bekah and i kept switching off and liz was off fixing her dress. 

“yeah that’s it! you’re married!” 

and they were off. and that’s when everything began. setting the table and everything in between because NO ONE DID WHAT I SAID! 

and then after that, it was pretty fun. and gorgeous. 

then after everything went off, and we sent them away, clean up began. we didnt have the time that we thought we did and we had to get everything in there ASAP! but then we lost my phone and it was everyone freaking out for 25 minutes and me running back and forth. 

then : start movie scene. 

we drive into the city and the sun is setting. we see the sky gettin pink. we end up going to lower wacker and see matt stick his head and hand out the window to get service.

we park in a lot and we RUN. i have my skirt hiked up and two bouquets in another. my phone under my arm and the rest of the ladies + matt running behind me. everyone is cheering and wishing us congratulations! we are running up upper wacker. i am weaving in and out of people on the stairs to go up and i get up and i turn, panning to see the chicago sky. int he moment i knew it was a movie moment. we keep running, shoes in hand as well. everyone screaming and cheering. we see them!! and we RUN

this man is singing beauty and the beast, so beautifully outside on the street. and then we keep walking all the way down, take so many pics. then we have matt take exponentially more. 

we walk down with them and hes holding her dress like theyre in a fairytale. we get to the parking lot and end up chillin on the side of the street as they try to find their parking ticket to get out. then we get to the hotel with them and their car keeps beeping so we cant leave but eventually they have it done. 

i go inside the hotel with them but stay in the lobby for a long long long long time, like about 45 mins to an hour and fifteen to wait for them to bring down the dress and things. then we get home; liz is dying of illness on the drive back. and somehow, its not even midnight.

[watersuncharted]

take 2 because my laptop refreshed the page. how rude. basically i was saying that this is the time that God has established to grow in him and if i dont i will regret it and i know its hard but it needs to happen and i know i keep saying that it needs to happen but it actually does. i need to make use of this time and post and do all these things with social media apparently. 

my mom also prophesied a lot to me this last few weeks so i wanted to write it down

i also wanted to note that my mom pointed out my freshman year that something interestingly wack was gonna happen in my third year but who would have thought this would be it? i know that she prob meant first semester but here we are you know it is probably all of it. 

25/26. im supposed to be getting a new wine with the word of God. its going to be new relevations that I havent heard before and its going to be different. im going to travel back to everywhere that i went in europe and that its going to be for a different purpose. im going to claim those cities and countries for God. im going to sing and when i sing crazy healings will be brought to the crowds of people. people are going to be changed. i think its notable that as soon as she said europe i looked at my bible and saw asia. so im claiming that too. 

something that i need to aspire for is that by 30 i will be in a top position in my company. way earlier than normal. that i should keep a big bible in my office and attribute all im doing to God. before every meeting, project proposal, before i meet with CEOs n things i need to pray for guidance and help. im going to be working with people higher up than me when im young and that i need to shine my light so they can see and promote me faster than anticipated.

she also said something is happening this january. a travel of sorts? she didnt say anything about it but i immediately thought of cabin? no idea. she also said something about school in january through march. its going to happen and be done by march and that i need to use that because its for good. so not sure what that is, its for school and wit h my classes though so seems interesting. 

thats really all i have for now, ill update once i find out more and get move in tune.

[watersuncharted]

so just some things to jot down. on saturday my mom gave some prophecies and i just wanted to write them to remember them:

- i will work in chicago post grad and then go to get my mba

-i will be in a super high (ceo?) position before the age of 30 at whatever company im in

-sometimes you have to realize that you are the breakthrough prayer for someone in your family

[watersuncharted]

so this is take 3 on this journal entry…

after a long week of being low and sad and teary eyed coupled with stress i have come to the conclusion that its time to change. ive decided i no longer want a boyf and i no longer need a husband. im not desiring those things. i want to be skinny-fit and i want to be close to God. i dont really find myself wanting to be at Kams or drunk, mainly just wanting to be hanging out with my friends and being outside. i honestly dont think i would mind being in quarantine if i wasnt here in my house with my parents. honestly i think my issue is still with my parents…but its okay. 

im nostalgic for good times and im forced constantly with emotion. all i want is to lay back and do nothing and exist. i think it plays into my sadness but i truly dont know how i get up everyday and do anything really. im not focused and the world is not going round which is rather annoying and making me feel incompetent. but, here we are everyday doing the same thing. waking up at an hour way too late, eating way too much, trying to work out to fix it, and moving along. 

i dont know what is really happening these days in the world or in life, but im hpoing for more than the best truly.

[watersuncharted]

hi there, its currently day 53 of quarantine and i am listening to old taylor swift. i feel like i am still 14 and on tumblr, pining after someone that i never had a chance with

but as we know, i cant write when i want to sing so taylor has to be silenced for now.

i think i finally havebeen able to touch my toes! 20 years later. lets hope it sticks :)

if im being honest, nothing is happening in my life right now. im trying to use this time to draw closer to God but of course everything goes slowly and surely. im also trying to lose weight and trying to have a nice hygene routine that promotes healthy skin and hair and all of the above! so that is happening too. studying for the GMAT and looking into applying for MBA deferral programs as well. life is a little weird.

my mom said isaiah 60 is something i should be looking into and that she saw a dream of me walking up winding stairs, marking when i get to certain checkpoints. interesting. wondering what it all means. 

quarantine is getting old. like, way old. i feel childish and i feel young but i feel older than the books of old at the same time. im in limbo and i dont like how it feels.

im not sure where im going or where im heading or even if journaling is doing anything because nothing is happening but here i am. 

everything ive done in the past seems fake. i dont feel like ive grown, or done anything or learned anything or literally done ANYTHING. i feel the same. being here reverts me. i dont feel like ive traveled millions of miles or done hundreds of things. i dont know. 

[watersuncharted]

so today was a whirlwind! i was, of course, supposed to wake up early. BUT as every day of quarantine, i have woken up horribly late. but, i hoped on it. im glad i got ready and im glad i woke up to get it all started. i had a few calls, big meals, and time of liesure. i worked out and of course in the depths of the night i am now starting my work haha why am i not surprised? im not happy, but im not low. i listened to some music throughout my day, was able to share my talent through blessssup. 

i weirdly had this idea yesterday that i want to create a financial literacy program for those in need to help them set up their family systems....and i wanted to create policy to help those in need....but idk how to really get there. i also have dreams to sing for God, and i don’t want it otherwise. 

ive been thinking a lot about postgrad...i want to live in a new place and meet new people, despite how crazy it might be and how hard it would be. so i hope that it can happen. 

theres been a lot on my mind. theres a lot i want to do. i took my first practice GMAT and got a 570...which is alright. but i want to improve, obviously. 

i want to better myself so badly. but its hard when it comes to this, i have unrealistic expectations and im very impatient with myself. its hard to say how im going to be able to do it. i just know that if i wake up in the morning, the actual morning, i will be able to do it. i want to start waking up at a normal time because i want to make my mornings meaningful. 

i sound like a broken record. i dont know how to make myself sleep at a reasonable time, but im going to start making moves to do that, i guess. 

theres so much uncertainty about this time in life, but im learning to do what i can. to not be lazy and to be as strong as i can. to trust as much as i can. 

i need to begin priotizing things. i think thats where i fall flat. i started today with a little prayer, and honestly, it shows. i think tomoeeow im goingt to try it again but maybe a little more. i need to go to sleep and i neeeed need to wake up early. maybe, ill put my phone somewhere i cant reach. 

okay, time to get moving. my heart goes out to what i care aabout and to the future that God has planned. 

xx

bm

[watersuncharted]

april 19, 2020

hey.

today, today was a day. didnt wake up to endless singing like i had expected and i knew i jinxed but nonetheless groggily woke up. i had a nice morning. i had the best rejuvenation i have had in a while. 

then, talks about the future.

now she wants me to marry a cardiologist when i come out of my masters. MASTERS??? i guess this is all super real now. 

im GONNA GRADUATE SOON. which means i need to start studying for this GMAT?? apparently?? very confused on it too be honest. i guess im consulting? also apparently i have slipped and im not a good daughter and im a disappointment because im out here trying to only get an MBA and not a PhD. cool. and marissa texted me today about getting a Phd in psych so guess im the only one who is left without one.

am i really that much of a fuck up? im genuinely confused. why am i actually the only one who is horrible at this. i hate myself lol

i guess its kind of go time for this though, who would’ve thought. damn. 

im freaking tf out, lord. freaking out about this. i dont know what i want where do i even do this. i want to live elsewhere i want to do life i want the most and im freaking out im freaking all the way out.

fix your eyes upon Jesus. give him your burden and he will provide. okay, i understand. i think in this time im supposed to learn to fix my eyes back on you. this whole quarantine situation. im freaking out and i dont know what to do but i know this is happening. its happening 

i lift it way up. i have no idea what to think or do or plan. 

[watersuncharted]

yesterday was one of the worst days ive had in a long time. like, a long time. i really lost a lot of hope,  i was mad at God. upset at the world. i truly dont know whats happening in the world and i hate that its all happening at this point in time. i cried out for hours with Him last night, layed it out there. 

i honestly feel better. 

i woke up late, yet again, but even still i decided to take charge of the day. do things that make me happy focus on the good. i think i have a full time job offer, which is crazy...im ilke 20. 

i think im going to the HBS peek weekend, which is also kind of insane but im not super sure how that works if im being honest.

i like the way i look today....that was something i told Him i was unhappy with. so, thank you.

i need to learn to lift it up more, to talk more. instead of brood and vent. i feel more at peace and less restless, even though i dont like the situation we’re in. 

something that i thought was interesting is that i had a dream that involved my whole family..which is weird and doesnt happen much

everyone was happy in it. thats also something i didnt really expect. i dunnno man who knows these days whats even up ya know.

strange. 

thanks for the dream though, i know i needed it. 

xoxo

[watersuncharted]

im learning a lot about me during this time

that i CAN 

that i WILL.

ive also learned that i am stronger, more loving, and

sadder

than i expected to be.

i think life kind of got away from me. this is a good time to sit and reflect about my interactions with everyone and everything in my life. im looking back and realizing i made childish and foolish decisions. i acted in ways that i felt myself not enjoy. i did stupid things. i acted foolishly. i need to get my act together. 

blessy, youre almost 21. yeah, youre really behind on life and its okay but you are better than this. 

take a step take a breather, lift it up and leave it up to God.

[watersuncharted]

easter sunday :)

[notable is that i watched the passion of the christ last night, i think i want to remember that date april 11 2020]

a productive one, although depressing still

im happy. but im discouraged.

its very confusing when i am accomplished yet unfulfilled. i feel like im making all the right efforts and movements but not seeing any results anywhere--its frustrating.

in better, happy, news

im very happy that i spent quality time with you today, reading, singing, eating

im happy i had fellowship with some friends and used my brain a little 

im happy for the ability to have online shopped 

im happy for the ability to be here. 

im hoping for the best in the following weeks and im hoping to see what may come

xx

[watersuncharted]

today was productive. somehow. 

i woke up this morning, begrudgingly before noon. i chugged that lemon water, made some fried eggs over avo toast and rested a bit before my first call. that call put things into perspective and off we went! we grinded the whole whole whole day. homework, 3 calls, applications, emails, guitar, work, working out, showers, etc. im so so so proud of myself. after the funk i was in i really needed this. its kind of a NO DAYS OFF this week. we’re doing the most and the most is what we are doing. hopefully i can keep this up for a little bit. not in the greatest of places but this is helping me forget that. hopefully if im in bed by 12 again we can make this work out. i feel tired, but the kind of tired that shows that its been a good day of hard work. not really a lethargic tired. lets hope this continues on and i find it in me to wake up before noon yet again. another avo toast tomorrow so i can finish the avo from tody maybe? big things coming. im ready. 

[watersuncharted]

ive been really low these last few days.

im not really sure why. maybe its because of the whole quarantine thing or maybe its something else but i dont know.

ive definetly been supressing my thoughts and feelings. i feel unproductive. i feel trapped, lazy, and upset. i cant listen to them anymore. 

its not even the kind of sad that makes me want to fix it. i just feel defeated and low. nothing i do is fulfilling and i feel too far gone. i feel fat. i feel digsusting. 

speaking is so much effort. 

waking up is so hard. 

i feel gross. 

i am upset about it. i feel alone. i feel sad. 

this is kind of like before, but worse, i’d say. 

im lost in my head and im not even thinking. 

depression naps, binge eating, crying at least once a day. binging television series, pushing off work until the last minute. 

i feel too far gone. 

i see couples and people outside and i actually cry. i havent left the house since i got here on march 12. its currently april 3. i stepped out on the balcony after the 14 day quarantine...im sad. 

im really truly unbelievably sad.

[watersuncharted]

so basically today my mom told me the world is going to end

she told me that the world is going to be one govt and these are some signs of the times. a huge hail storm is coming and it will ruin a ton of places. 

she said im supposed to be the next prophet...im really struggling here with this. i feel very much unworthy and this is so much pressure its kind of unbelievable. not really sure what to do besides give it to you...

i would like to hear from you, i would like you to change my thoughts and deeds and actions. i want to see you in this. i miss you and my communication. i really am trying to come back slowly but surely and i know you can see this. 

this is really so much pressure, God. i dont really know where to begin or how to get there. i dont like this pressure, it makes me want to quit because im too far gone. 

please send help, i want to be the one you can count on and trust. but i dont know if i can anymore. i need some inkling, SOMETHING to prove to me that its all coming. 

i love you

amen

xx

[watersuncharted]

this morning i was all for a long write with you, but i pushed it off until now...next time i should just do it when i have the inkling. but, here i am because i think its best if i push forward

so i really hoped that today would be productive and have interactions that were christ-centered and i honestly and truly saw that the interactions i had were all very wholesome and loving and fun and kind. thank you for that. not too sure about productivity but i did things that were beneficial for my well-being and are starts to good habits. 

been thinking a lot about out my future husband and i know that i need to regroup and reground myself in you so that he must seek you to further understand me and if im being honest, i think that he, even now, would need to seek further to even find me. me, as far gone as i am, still feel rooted in you. i want to be able to say that i know that you have someone out there for me somehow someway but if im being honest i just have had no way of knowing that its true. i want my desires to be fulfilled, but i know yours are sovereign

i want to pray with him, i want to lay with him and watch your majestic beauty. i want to worship with him, i want him to sing with me and help me along on my skills. i want him to understand how my past made me the way that i am.. i want him to understand why my present has me feeling so far gone. i want him to be there with me and for me as i finish up school and move onto life. i want him to know what my first apartment looks like, i want him to know about my first job and how im making my mark there. i want him to build me up when im at a crossroads in my career, telling me that Jeremiah 29:11 still stands true. i want to go to church with him, have him hold my hand during prayers and hug me when i am crying during worship due to my heartbrokeness. i want him to encourage me in the word and i want us to be able to grow together in You. i want the secular stuff too, though. the tv shows, the date nights, the traveling, the cheesy instagram posts, the late night drives, the moving in together, the cute wedding, the hanging out with friends and family. i want it all.  

i dont know where you are going to find this man for me, or where he is right now. but right now theres a thunderstorm outside my window and i hope that he is inside cosy and warm. i pray that i would catch a glimpse of who he is and i can understand that i need to wait. i pray that i would be in more circumstances where i can find more people like i have described. i pray that there would be hope for me even still, and yet. i need this and i want it so badly.

i understand your timing is perfect, though. in these coming weeks help me grow closer to you so i can grow closer to knowing that youre in control -- completely in control. 

amen

xx

bm

[watersuncharted]

oh, wow.

okay so this is actually unbelievable...but im at home in and quarantined rn. 

yeah, i know. back from spain over a month early, 13 days before my semester was scheduled to be over...and on top of that: quarantined.

everything is canceled...going back to school, spring show, GRADUATION. i can’t believe it. i really cant believe that this is how everything went down. its insane how everything flipped in a single moment. semesters, ruined. last times in champaign: gone. being abroad, taken in an instant. things like this really get me. 2020, this is insane.

its weird, every time i go to sit down to write, i dont have it in me. 

i hate to talk in circles about the same things over and over but its just kind how i feel. DAVID GOT INTO HIS DREAM JOB. thats INSANE. 

SORRY, an outburst but OHMYGOD i am so unbelievably happy for him. things are crazy out here. good things like this happening there and bad things like my mother telling me i cant even see my own sister anymore happening here.

honestly, things like this.. i cant believe this is happening if im being honest with you. 

im back home and i feel like im in middle school again, depressed, overworked, over-pressurized and well, sad. i have ambition but i have no motivation. i am not happy with my body, happy with myself. i want there to be change but i know change is something that cant happen here. 

im working on myself. if i dont come back stronger, if i dont come back better, i dont know if i could forgive myself. 

its insane how i feel, its insane how no one else sees it the way i do. 

i want to start fresh. i dont know why i was raised the way i am. i dont understand how me being raised in this household was of any good. how did i turn out normal? how did i turn out this way when i am actually being corralled like cattle and trained like a sheepdog? i dont understand why me being here is of any good use to anyone and i dont know how im of USE to actually anyone.  i am more than lukewarm im like room temperature. and i dont really know what to do with that anymore.

and now concerning him..

i want to be civil with him, thats alll. i dont even really want to be friends anymore. if im going to be honest, i still want him to want me...but i would rather him and i be like me n nic than whatever im dealing with right now. i dont want whatever im doing right now with him, being utterly honest. but that means i need to control myself and control control control i will. 

if im going to be honest, i dont even want to be looking for anyone. everyone i describe that i want is someone that i cant find. its just annoying because when i cant find them i get frustrated. and whats even more annoying is that i know i cant just wait around, either. i want what they have but i want it in my own way. and i dont really know how to do it or how to get it. i dont really know what to do, if im being honest. especially when trapped here in my house for the next 4 months (at this rate) how do i not think about anything else? im kind of giving and im kind of ready to i guess see where the wind takes me. its just bad because its in my nature to flirt, its in my nature to be the worst person i can be. i hate myself for it because thats NOT who i am. okay, maybe i am a flirt, but the  other stuff? not me. 

i just dont know how anything can really spring up...when in quarantine. but maybe thats the beauty of it?

maybe this is where we were meant to be. you believe it, right? everything happens for a reason. maybe this time will be a time of growth, bringing back, rememberance, and new beginnings. 

i really hope its new beginnings. 

really working a lot on myself these last few days and im really searching for a way to get out and make it a lifestyle for me. 

living at home is more than hard, its dangerously difficult. i can only hope that i can make it in this house without screwing up for the next four months. 

college is crazy. 

time flies so fast. i have accomplished so so so so much, and i have gone so many places. i have established myself, i have had jobs and i have achieved so much. i have met so many people and joined so many things. i have been good (?) to myself, i have been good to others. 

im making the most of my time. i really have. being me, doing what i do best. i think these people are the best people that could have been there FOR me. im not quite sure what else or where else i would be, otherwise. 

its been scatter brain central today with the writing but thats alright for today, we can all start somewhere.