waterundertheground

[waterundertheground]

What's something you've gained clarity on?

1. I can take my time.

2. Unless it's about visiting a sick dying man.

3. I might be better at dealing with loss than I previously thought.

4. I am definitely better at forgiving than I previously thought.

5. I can trust my instincts.

6. I'll love you forever.

7. I want more than this and at the same time less of this.

8. I can't think my way out of every problem or conflict.

9. I don't want to live alone.

10. I don't think anyone should live alone.

11. Video calls > Texting.

12. Videos > Photographs.

13. There are still some people I wish I'd never met.

14. I'm demanding and I think that's a good thing.

15. I'm not exactly broken.

16. I'm softer than I could've ever imagined.

17. That is one of the most incredible things my mother has showed me how to do.

18. The things I thought would destroy me didn't.

19. Allowing myself to be sad didn't keep me underwater forever.

20. Finite and limited (for now).

21. I'm breathing and I'm a love story.

22. Definitely the daughter of a woman with branches growing from her heart.

23. Growing.

[waterundertheground]

What's something you're still confused about? 3 // Nine of Pentacles + Queen of Wands

Retain + Queen of Wands

This pull was especially reassuring with all the doubts I've been having about the changes I need to make. As much as I'll be working on my relationships there's no need to lose myself in the process and I know that'd be an easy trap to fall into.

I decided to read some more about this card before continuing, and I think I'll just leave this here as a note to self.

[waterundertheground]

What's something that you're still confused about? 2 // Nine of Pentacles + Queen of Wands

I've missed a day of journaling but I appreciate the extra time to think about the question. I did a two card pull about release and retain so I'll do a two part post for this question.

Release + Nine of Pentacles

I've been thinking about my relationships a lot this year. There's so much I've learnt about separating my needs and my wants from others and I can see exactly how it's helped me with a sense of self + independence, my identity and some semblance of sanity. I think these things were really important to learn, not that I'm sure these lessons ever stop. I'm beginning to see that I might have learnt all that I could, right now, from this separation and continuing in this way would do more harm than good. I see how this hasn't just been harmful to me but harmful to the people around me who would like to love me more and love me well. It's not my business to know whether or not that they can do this, mostly because I can't know. But! I think that's where trust comes in and it's something I'll never learn if I don't take the risk. A good start I think would be sharing, in real time, how I feel, what I love, what makes me uncomfortable, angry, disappointed, scared, hurt, what I might need, what I can give, and what I can no longer give. I used to get really mad when I'd be forced to acknowledge that loved ones were not okay with just having my love and adoration but they needed to know how I felt. I've put a lot of work into loving people outside of who they are to me and how they treat me. I'd like to learn some new ways to love and be loved. For now it will be a lot of work and vulnerability and things falling apart, and maybe even people leaving. I won't know until I know. I deserve more and I think the people in my life deserve more. I hope I won't be as much of a mess as I'm expecting myself to be. I'm letting myself know that there's nothing shameful being this vulnerble. It's okay that you happen and that your happening affects others, that might be the point of it all. I've been looking at ego as well recently. Simply because I haven't spent much time in the past doing that and it frightened me when I realized. Having parts of you living in the shadows only turns them into monsters. I hate neglect. There's a part of me that thinks I'm above getting my feelings hurt, looking at that makes me laugh. Cause when I think about it, I don't want to feel powerful I want to feel loved. Another doubt I have sometimes is that I'm not sure how often people are interested in having good relationships of any kind and how willing and capable they are to do that work, but again, that's not my part to play. I'm learning.

"Those who do not grasp the principles of love waste their lives and break their hearts." A General Theory of Love

[waterundertheground]

What's something you're still confused about? // The Hanged Man (Reversed), Page of Swords, Death

I'm writing this entry after a long day of being outside on familiar streets, in familiar places, stuck on how different everything feels. It's been consistently difficult to navigate all the internal and external changes at the same time. I know I'm at a point in the process now where I can communicate what I'm feeling and how I have been feeling. So I know things are getting clearer. I've never been this in touch with my emotions and at the same time out of touch with reality, the awareness of this disconnect has me unsettled. This might not matter as much as I think it does.

My ideas about who I was and what life was were constructed a long time ago. No doubt they've been crushed and broken down. A lot has been lost and there's a lot more to lose. I think that's where I've been confused. It helps to think of confusion not as something that is unclear but a collection of clear conflicting desires/fears. It serves as good reminder that you have all the information that is available. The discomfort may lie in the sacrifice you have to make. I would like to feel like I know who I am right now. I could pretend that not that much has changed, but the idea of killing my past isn't nearly as painful as potentially killing my future.

I think of all the parts of me I've known. The ones that were sure, the ones that knew exactly how to do, how to be and how to feel, until they didn't. The parts that couldn't stomach the disappointment. The ones that hated themselves. All mine. I love them for that reason solely. I cannot keep them all here. They're falling apart, and out of their range. They were never built to live this long. I think I will start and end this process by saying thank you. I'm letting go. Thank you for keeping me for as long as you have. In this moment I remind myself that familiar is not a synonym for safe; unfamiliar is not a synonym for danger.

I have to trust that the person I am now will do their best, as long as I make room for them.

[waterundertheground]

What's been your favourite colour this year? // The Fool (Reversed)

I'm reminded that the colour green traditionally symbolizes love.

I think of growing, I think of all the different ways light and gravity can bend you. In another life you asked me about the limits of blue. I think of pushing, and I'm in your garden, steadfast, in jars of week old water, suspended and rooting.

I think of bridges and chances, and stolen days and stolen plants and first times, and listening to green papaya on the highway. I think of drowning and sinking, I think of learning how to scream, learning sound, learning how to listen.

Green is patient and I have no problem saying, that you are my favourite colour.

[waterundertheground]

Where do you think you're headed? // The Fool + Ace of Cups

I think this is a tricky (read funny) question. It's usually more interesting to see how we answer questions than what the actual answers are anyway. On that same note when I think of where my life is headed, I feel it's more important now for me to have an idea of not where I want to move but how I want to move. I pulled these two cards this morning between classes while thinking of how to answer this question for myself. I love them, they love me back too. The first card is actually one of my favourites, The Fool, and right next to it The Ace of Cups.

The Fool is one of the most frequent cards I pull and likely one of the most necessary ones. It invites play, ease, spontaneity, newness, creativity, innocence and trust. Even though I've been an artist my whole life, I've always found it hard to accept that so much of what I want to be and how I want to be is ruled by creativity. In the back of my head I kinda thought artist were disconnected from reality, I think now what it was, was that I never wanted to be be artist that was disconnected from reality. Somehow, I am interested in being here with everyone else. The second card Ace of Cups is in invitation within itself. It symbolizes compassion, creativity (ding ding ding), open-heartedness and love. It's a call to accept. I'm now thinking of the work I've been in the process of making the past year, I have to admit it blows my mind, I'm happy I allowed myself that freedom and that abandon.

"For the erotic is not a question only of what we do; it is a question of how acutely and fully we can feel in the doing." Adure Lorde

Back to the question of where (remember read how) I think my life is headed. I left a quote in my last post about falling in love to change how we see ourselves and how we see the world. A part of this idea is that when we are inlove we're most able and willing to truly imagine into the future and into all the possibilities it might hold. It's a difficult feeling to commit to, something about being inlove always feels a little foolish, but that, like most things is probably a capitalist tools of defeat. I think for this new chapter of my life I will continue to allow myself to be in love with who I am, what I do and where I go despite how scary and foolish it might feel. It is just as important to me that I commit to doing the things that keep these parts of me alive, despite how easy it might be to slip into living a life with no future.

The work I want to do is still centered around wellness, community and nourishment. I had a plan that no longer feels appropriate given all that has changed, which doesn't mean hope is lost, it just means I have to be more creative.

[waterundertheground]

Where do you think you are right now in your life? // Three of Wands Reversed

We love context. What is the context of my life right now? I felt compelled to dedicate some time to myself in a measurable way before my birthday this year because there's so much I feel like I still haven't been able to grasp in terms of direction, decisions and even just a general sense of self. It's all been falling apart. I'm hoping I can hit the bottom of the emptiness and the heights of my fullness throughout this process. There's been a lot of madness, disappointment, loss and grief and I have to say I'm scared of what happens next. I've never been scared of the future until around last year. I think I've also never been able to see how easy it is for things to go wrong until now. I've never had to make sense of so much going wrong until now.

This is the first time I remember ever thinking of myself as wrong. I knew I hated being disappointed but I had no idea how much it would've gutted me to disappoint myself, never mind that a lot of my goals were unattainable. If I'm being completely honest I barely remember the things I wanted and the person I used to be, I know though that I thought I had forever, and I miss that feeling.

"Courage is a virtue, I think, because it is an excellent way of coping with, responding to, and manifesting a basic fact about us: that we are finite erotic creatures." 119 Radical Hope by Jonathan Lear

Finding a balance between all the things I've ever wanted, all the things I've ever been afraid of, myself in action and inaction.

I've met so many of my limits. I'm sure we all have to eventually, the essential event might be what you do after that crucial meeting point. I think that is where I am right now in my life. The thing about limits, I'm learning, is that they don't just show you where you can't go, but more importantly where you are able to go with all that you are and all you will be. I'm taking all my chances and all my time.

"To change how we see things takes falling in love." 34 The Souls Code by James Hillman.

[waterundertheground]

taking form

I often find myself thinking that the best thing we can offer each other are our stories. I also believe every story is a love story. This is an offering to myself, and to anyone else who finds themselves here witnessing. "Understand this if you understand nothing, it is a powerful thing to be seen." Freshwater p. 213. A friend once told me that I was full to the brim, they were right. I suppose I am also here because these days I am overflowing. I’ve become sentimental about every single detail and at the same time I don’t remember what it feels like to be present, but maybe I never did. It is painful to be buried in the past and suspended in the future, seas of strings and synchronicities. Always something blue painting my eternity. I never imagined that the lines between life and death would've been crossed like this and I'm almost at the point of being a little grateful. I'm sure this age would've been catalytic at any rate without the world shifting below my two feet. There was a moment when I accepted that things would never be the same, I'm now in the aftershock of the fact that I will never be the same.

My body is now unwilling to sustain formlessness in all the ways it had before. Coming out of a sea of multiplicity, embodiment is an exile. I’m heartbroken and falling, in love, over and over again, spilling, soft as sea foam, salty in my mouth. Catching heat and breath.

"The shoreline is a difficult place. It, like you, is many things at once: a border blurred, a body ambiguous." The Djinn Falls In love p. 89.

[waterundertheground]

10:32PM

how graceful is time for always moving