wavesinthenight

[wavesinthenight]

Layne told me today that she had put in a strong recommendation for me today. 

It really made me feel, happy. 

Happiness -- from when is it so hard to hold on to? When you look forward to this monotonous and long time without changes... It's hopeless. 

But that's why it's important to document it when I feel it, so I can really put my blessing into perspective.

I am very lucky -- during this hard time I have a job -- a job that I'm such a novice at, no experience. People bet on my potential to grow and I have this job here, today. It was when my past job was terrible. 

I hated my last job -- anything seems better than, that one. Constant pressure -- constant hate -- constantly waiting for a call from someone who does nothing but yell at you. 

Doesn't care who you are -- you start wondering who you are. For someone who needs, wants validation it was constant invalidation, abuse with words. But great men are always demanding and weird I guess. 

But I was mad -- I was humiliated. I hated it.

To this company -- which I really wanted to get into. And now, I am one foot in.

一期一会ーもしこの仕事がダメでも、彼らに出会ったのは何かの縁。 

何かとために出会ってるわけで。めげずに頑張りたい。もう３０だし。色々と戸惑うと思う。明日、また嫌になるかもしれない。でも自分の仕事を大事に見ていてくれる人がいることを、私は素敵だと思いたい。

最初からうまく行くはずなんてないんだから。転んでばっかりなんだ、って忘れかけてる。

自分だって新人なんだぞー優しくしてやれよー

[wavesinthenight]

How do we hold on to hope when there are so many things going on? 

It's an year with ultimate tests regarding how strong you can be -- how hopeful we can be. 

People are losing jobs. Can't travel -- sometimes preventing us to see loved ones. Leaders of the "developed world" is delusional carrying on things, saying irresponsible things and can't be punished. Do these people not watch any movies? All these leaders are there to PROTECT and serve the people. Not ignore harm and action your agenda. 

You realize that blacklivesmatter is just the beginning. The deep rooted stigma is so hard to get rid of when the top of the pyramid doesn't embrace it. Relics. Artifacts. All these celebratory figures are being knocked down -- turning people aggressive because that is the only way we would be, heard.

How do we stay hopeful? How do we stay strong? 

How do we push through all this, to still be yourself and strong for others?

There is no right answers and it hurts my heart. 

But we need to at least try to stay hopeful. Try to move forward. Try to stay strong for people in worst situations. 

So here I am again today -- continue saying

it's okay. it will get better. 

[wavesinthenight]

携帯の目覚ましがなる。もう７：０５分か。

家から仕事を始めてもうすぐ３ヶ月。もう慣れた朝のルーティーンをこなす。

重い身体をシャワーまで引きずる。

シャワーのノブを回す。

生暖かい水がだんだん暑くなる

顔に流れ落ちる滝ーー今日は水曜日か。

シャワーから出るとコーヒーとトースト。

８時ごろコンピューターの前に座り　こんにちは

今日のミーティングをチェックしてー私は急いである「ルーム」に向かう。

私が初めてから作った、朝からチームで集まれるお部屋。

あ。今日もいた。

そう、私がいつも楽しみにしている相手がいた。

スペインでお仕事をしてる彼。時間帯が合わないからか、あまり話す機会がない。でも決まって、この朝のルームには決まって彼がいる。

そしてまたたわいもない話しが始まる。

別に特別なことを話すわけでもないんだけど。話すとだんだんともっと彼のこと知りたくなる。でも、こういう人好きなんだよね。どこか自由で、自分のおもうことを強く信じられる人。

私の楽しい１５分。

じゃー次のミーティングに行かなきゃ！

と今日もお開き。

なぜだろう。話すたびに名残惜しくて。

今も考えちゃう。

彼はそう思わないのかなぁ。

[wavesinthenight]

もどかしい。

頭の中で色々がことがぐるぐる。

もう３０になってしまって、いまだに全然未熟な自分。

今日告げられたのはcontract extension。３ヶ月で正社員になれると思えばーコロナが起こってしまった。１週間の休みはー自粛の始まり。仕事の始まりはワークフロムホーム。

今年こそ、変われる年って意気込んだのもつかの間、コントロール効かない事ばかり。

３月に前の仕事を辞めるって決意して、周りの人たちは戸惑いを隠せなかった。けど、心の何処かでもう無理って叫んでて、辞めるって決意した。行く先も決まらず。

そしたら今の仕事だが舞い込んだ。したこともない仕事。グラスドアでこの前見たけど自分の経験値と照らし合わせたら０に近い。

そしたらインタビューしてったら受かった。

もう少しでこの仕事もなかったかもしれない。

Now it depends on if I'm needed. If I actually have a clear reason, path of why I'm there. 

I'm mad at a lot of things right now.

でもー怒ってる理由も理不尽で。この世でたくさん苦しんでる人はいる。色々な理由で。

だからー私だけ悲劇のヒロインになっていたらダメってわかってる。

We live in a world where there is still a lot injustice. People need to be violent in order to be heard, no one even tries to take Black lives seriously unless they make it violent, make it aggressive. Doing it peacefully is the best and the most ideal -- but how can we talk ideals when we have created a world that tolerates it so so much -- to a point where it takes deaths to occur to fully feel it? 

We have so many smart and qualified people around us and HOW did we end up with an American president that "jokes" about drinking bleach or needs to order Twitter while people are suffering with Corona and Rioting? it's so obvious he only cares about himself -- when there are so many people out there that are misunderstood because they are hard females or really want to change the world? Are there not enough of us that really want that sort of world? How in hell do people believe that we shouldn't have rights to our own body -- in our sexual orientation? It's crazy. 

I turned 30 this year. I changed my job this year. It's not a good year. It's hard to stay optimistic when everything around me is ever changing? When can we feel "safe" again? Are we ever going to feel safe again? When can we go to festivals? Spend time with crowds of people and feel similar emotions? thinking about this makes me, sad. 

When can we travel again? 

My mom says we need to see things in the positive light. My mom always reminded me you need to see two sides of things, to understand it. But I'm not full of hope right now. I'm just full of... uncertainty and negativity. 

[wavesinthenight]

結構の数の人と付き合ったり。

一緒にいたりと。

一人一人、私の中に色々なものをおいて行って。

時間が経つと、綺麗な思い出だけが残る気がする。

苦しいこともたくさんあったけど。今があるのは昔があったから。

恋多き人生を送ってきたこと、無駄な時間もたくさんあった気がする。

でも、キラキラ光る思い出たち。

もう、もっと思い出を作ることができないけど。

その綺麗な思い出は誰も、私の中から取り除くことはできない。

前へ進むことは痛いし。大変だけど。終わりなしでは、この綺麗な思い出たちも綺麗ではなかったのかもしれない。

[wavesinthenight]

私の心を焦がした男にとって私はいつだって都合のいい女だった。

都合良くならないように、自分を持つようにいろいろしていたのに。

いつしかそういう関係にのめり込んでしまっていたのね。

自分、自分をなくしてしまっていたのね。

若い君���見ると、昔の私を重ね合わしてしまうんだ。

若すぎる君に気持ちはないと言い聞かせ。

私はまた都合のいい女役に回るのだ。

恋い焦がれて、

壊れてしまった

君の心の愚痴を

私は受け止めるんだ。

なぜかって？

だって、

多分、これしか、君の人生に居座ることができないから。

今の私の精一杯なのだから。

[wavesinthenight]

we often say we go with the flow.

i agree with that statement and sometimes that’s the best way to deal with a situation or life. 

but what happens if we don’t define anything and just let “life” decide our fate? 

i guess that also means we need to address the question -- is life predetermined? 

is it fate? 

do we create our life?

answer: who knows.

so, i’m gonna go back to what i was talking about.

but, knowing where you want to flow to, want is AS important. 

because if we don’t place those rocks which changes that flow, we are letting life and everyone else decide where we are going, what we are doing.

i hope we all have that insight of knowing when we can change that flow, place that big rock so that we go after “that” thing we want, people we love, 

or maybe find that inner voice that makes us stop and want to pursue.

or find that courage 

to commit. 

cause, otherwise, you won’t ever get anywhere or know if you like where you got to. And, we will forever just FLOW somewhere. 

[wavesinthenight]

you know

i always avoided you cause i didn’t want you to see through me. 

find the untamed creature that lives inside me, the little free creature that loves running around, that i have put into a cage. 

and yet you found a way to let it, out.

the last time it was out, she was severely hurt. 

and she promised herself she would never be that naïve to let that girl out -- 

that you would be the strongest guardian for the princess, the precious free spirit that lives within me.

but you found her. i hid her in the forest, but slowly but surely you found her.

you understood her, you knew who she was and lured her in.

we were on an empty island,

sitting on a dock talking about how i love sitting quietly -- 

talking about how trees looked like different creatures.

you moved in. i moved away.

you placed your hand closer to mine, i frantically started talking with my hand

the ease turned into nervousness

a small butterfly decided to show up in my stomach and fly around

fluttered gently and quietly.

in the darkness with dim lights

the scent of fresh rain in greens

i would talk into your eyes, you would look into it

and i look away so you wouldn’t see through me

trying hard to hide her, make sure you couldn’t see past me

trying hard to resist that temptation of moving closer

it’s not that i didn’t want to 

it wasn’t that it wasn't calming

i just did not want to find me. i didn’t want you to go for it. 

i just, wanted that moment to go on, forever. 

that feeling of being uneasy

and 

that feeling of being so comfortable

with you

i kept running away 

inch by inch

but you caught up 

inch by inch

chuckles and laughs fill the empty silences 

your face peered into mine

i caught the glimpse of the princess in me -- 

the wild free spirit that had slowly escaped -- 

and 

there it was.

dread but relief filled me

and sadness filled me 

i knew, 

it wouldn’t 

it couldn’t 

be as comfortable anymore

it would be secrets

that we would share -- the reality of where we were at

who we were 

and what we were

i knew what this meant

what continued was silence

i think you saw me uneasy

you looked like a little boy, smiled

you made me dance in the rain 

and we chuckled an awkward chuckle

started our way back to the reality --  

where our real lives waited for us

i try to find ways to stay in this world,

but like cinderella, the magic is revealing the reality

“rules are there to be broken sometimes, you know”

the words i could seemingly be able to utter 

you just quietly seem to be absorbing the last moments

enjoying the moment --

when i wanted to hear words 

more words that would, somehow help me stay 

but you would kept calm, almost too serene

the pumpkin carriage arrives to take us back to reality

i search for words to some how convey how i feel

i mumble, you nod, you mumble, i pretend to keep the cool

desperately i turn to find your eyes --

i caught the true, smile in your eyes 

stuck between courage and responsibility 

“it was a good night” you say

“it is.” i said

i knew i had only once chance,

to be honest and to take that chance

i grab courage and i open my mouth --

and blinked 

but something else seem to have spoken first

gravity took over

it went out of hand

i blinked again

i found myself between shambles 

and in pain.

oh, you’re so smart

you knew, didn’t you.

It spoke before I could 

It decided to turn that

fairytale into a grim’s tale.

[wavesinthenight]

words are so powerful. 

it can hurt people. make people feel loved. make people feel happy or sad or angry. it is not the only method of communication, but in our daily life it plays so much meaning. 

sometimes i think we feel the need to say lots, we want to be forgiven for the words we spoke. 

we want so much to feel forgiveness that through words we search for peace within us. when maybe wanting it, desiring to be peaceful is so selfish. 

because it doesn’t really take in consideration what those words did to others.  or the fact how confused or affected the person became because of those words were said.

a lot of intent and meaning probably is lost when we translate what we feel or see or want to communicate is actually put into words. 

since we are not that person, we will never REALLY know what the others want to say. 

choose the words carefully. they are powerful than you think. 

[wavesinthenight]

[wavesinthenight]

things will always be much more simple if you just be HONEST with yourself. You shouldn't always act upon how you feel honestly, but by knowing you are honest with yourself will make things, simple.

[wavesinthenight]

Why should we care what others think? I mean we can't really ever control if that person likes you or not. Then just be the absolutely fucking amazing YOU you can be 😉😘

[wavesinthenight]

[wavesinthenight]

why is it so much more difficult to keep it 

simple?

but honestly i believe that things are supposed to get a bit complicated and tangled before it can get 

simple. 

[wavesinthenight]

the sun is setting.

i feel the wind graze over my face. 

i've forgotten that the heart still felt -- 

the dull feelings of pain oozes out of the the cracks of my heart, 

dripping droplets -- where where can it go?

Memories of the place flood in through the cracks -- 

the warm and gentle memories remind me when i could still, love from the bottom of my heart. 

chuckles and sweet words that tangle with each other 

we knew how to tango so well

step by step we waltz to the words we uttered

the wind blows again, ever so slightly.

and all there is is the sun and 

s i l e n c e.

the silence is so loud that i start walking. against the sun into the darkness

the dusk is not the dark yet the tree branches make silouhets against the purple blue sky It creates a pattern on the plain dark blue sky it’s so intricate. there are layers and they aren’t perfect the branches stretches how it wants to reaching for the sun that is now past us I look back and i see the glimpse of the warmth that still glows so bright orange and red

as I walk away and away i am gently embraced by darkness.

and now the silence of the darkness is gentle it cools down the wounds that blossomed open when it saw the sun

too much sun exposes who I am 

from when do i feel safe in the dark where we can hide from pain or hide from who we are

i wonder when i can stand in the sun, 

and feel the warmth that makes me, happy

standing in the sun, we are meant to shine.

shine with happiness and ooze with love.

[wavesinthenight]

He reminds me to smile and to laugh and remind me that it's okay to be a kid sometimes. Its been a while I felt safe enough to expose that child in me.

[wavesinthenight]

gentle lies.

not all lies are bad lies.

“i have a feeling we will somehow end up together, we were made for each other, remember?”

after fighting to keep it alive, we both failed at being happy with ourselves and each other.

while one was desperate worrying about how not to hurt the other one -- the other one trying to comfort him that his choice would take him far, that she was supporting his decision for the one last time.

we didn’t want to end, but we both knew, it was time to let go. 

but somewhere we both didn’t want to believe it had to.

he was about to leave and i uttered those words.

and i heard the last pieces of my heart, crack.

we both knew with tears in our eyes, what this meant.

but the lie made it easier for me, 

for us to try to 

let go and

move forward.