wayward-sword

[wayward-sword]

Gonna throw another OOC PSA out there because I got some more things on my mind here as I go through the process of everything that happened, so let me drop a little dose of reality on everyone and anyone who needs to hear it:

People talk. That's just a fact of life. Whatever you share with someone else, they will likely bring it up to others sooner or later in some capacity or another. The truth always comes out eventually. That isn't two-faced behavior, that isn't "betraying anyone's trust", no matter how much you try to rationalize about how "everyone trusts differently" – that's just communication. Healthy, adult communication. A thing that a lot of people sorely need in their lives.

And sometimes, it's not even malicious in intention or trying to gossip about a situation. It's not about "venting" or trying to turn people against other people. Sometimes, a person is gonna talk about your business to others so they themselves can figure out how to navigate a situation for their own emotional and mental wellbeing, especially when you've turned "your business" into a personal problem between yourself and someone who was your friend. Sometimes, a person will do that because they want to hold themselves accountable. They want to hear other people's perspectives and insights as to whether or not they're wrong in any capacity – be that how they feel, how they reacted, how they handled the situation themselves – so they can reflect on that, grow, and try to seek reconciliation if they really did say or do anything wrong that they SHOULD own up to.

Like, let's be so real about this right now. If you've got a friend group full of grown, 30-something adults where everyone cares about each other's wellbeing, and one person has created a conflict between themselves and another person in the group, treating them with outright exclusionary, passive-aggressive behavior ("Don't tell them I said this. Don't tell them this. Don't tell them that."), people are going to wonder what in the hell is going on. And if neither party is going to talk about it, let alone try to settle their differences, while still trying to pretend everything's totally okay when it's really not, everyone's going to get sick of it because that's teenage drama behavior. Someone has to be the bigger person here and be honest to everyone else.

If you're afraid to face that because you've utterly convinced yourself it'll ruin your image in their eyes, that's guilt, and your guilt isn't anyone else's problem but your own. And you can tell yourself it's a one-on-one conflict between you and the individual you've had a problem with, but it absolutely becomes EVERYONE'S problem when they have to deal with two people in the same group who won't settle their differences with each other. No one wants to deal with that. No one should have to deal with that.

Everyone's going to make their own judgment calls about a situation. As other grown adults with things on their own plates and lives of their own they try to live, they're all capable of thinking for themselves. If they think both parties are being completely unreasonable and stubborn, they're just not going to deal with either one of you – believe me, I've been in that exact situation before.

HOWEVER, if, after more than enough time, they, based entirely on their own assessments, ALL come to believe that you're not dealing with situation as you should – ESPECIALLY when you've been given what you were explicitly asking for from the start – and then you start lashing out at THEM in response for trying to push you in a more productive direction (not to mention COMPLETELY contradicting what YOU YOURSELF asked for from the start), then MAYBE, just MAYBE, they're going to realize on their own that the problem doesn't lie with the person you're having a conflict with. MAYBE that should be your own sign to stop yourself and do some actual self-reflecting.

MAYBE it's about time for you to grow up. Don't blame anyone else for your own problems. Don't you dare try to insinuate that they suddenly became "terrible people" because they dared to talk to you like an adult.

We're ALL grown adults here. We don't have the time or the patience to keep putting up with someone who's going to act like an emo teenager well into their 30's.

Now, even if most of them have completely distanced themselves from you, you can still try to find a way to make things right with them later on. You likely have known avenues to get in touch with them somehow. But you need to grow up first. You need to take a step back and realize other people's feelings are valid too, instead of telling yourself they have "no reason" to feel a certain way or "no right" to say certain things to you that you didn't like hearing. Not when you're the one who won't communicate with them. Not when you're the one not even bothering to try to clear up a misunderstanding that you feel has happened.

Otherwise, you're really not going to make any real friends going forward in your life. You're going to stay exactly the same emotionally and mentally while time marches on, stuck with the same frustrations and the same problems that made you latch onto people who actually cared about you and actually invested in your life for once. And if you do find other people that you really connect with, you're only going to poison the well with them too in time, because you never actually grew past who you were before.

I've seen where that leads. I've watched it happen to my own family. I've watched it happen to people I've grown up with, that I've known for most of my life. If you don't learn from the mistakes of the past, you're doomed to repeat them. And in repeating your own mistakes, you only make others perceive that it was a mistake on their part to ever trust, confide, or respect you in turn.

That's not how you respect yourself. That's not how you hold yourself accountable. That's not how you show appreciation or any sort of gratitude for the good that people have brought to your life. That's not being kind to yourself.

Humility and accountability are the kindest things you can do for yourself and for others. There's nothing humble or kind about running from others. There's nothing humble or kind about "letting them go" when you never actually TRIED to resolve your problems with them directly in the first place, when you did nothing but vent yourself about them behind their backs, when you begrudge others for at least being transparent about a situation and deciding for themselves that they don't like how you're being about everything.

[wayward-sword]

"Is there a reason why in front of my tent there is a dead pigeon? A soldier said that ZZ placed it and went away. Is this...some sort of a threat?" what did he do?? was it because he didnt want to give her his boots last time? B-but...

"Chrom... I understand worrying about the whole boot thing, but... Really? You don't know that a dog'll bring you kills when it likes you and wants to make sure you're eating well? Er– Not that I mean that she's expecting you to actually eat it. Right?"

He glances down at the wolf, who expectantly turns her head up to Zech, mouth closing shut, one ear folding as she tilts her head.

"...Right?"

[wayward-sword]

❛ i just thought you’d like some company. ❜ 

// from cain, @qisms

What a chivalrous-looking fellow... Zech didn't dislike that sort of thing, but he couldn't help but see the reflection of a possibility that had long since been robbed from him in a man such as this. As such, it was far too difficult for him to stave off the pang of bitterness that rang in his chest.

"...It's kind of you to show such consideration, but it's unnecessary for someone like myself. You'd be better off showing such care to someone else." Someone more worthy of such attention, he'd wanted to say, but held his tongue.

[wayward-sword]

He didn't like it.

This place, which radiated with a spiritual force that he could practically feel underneath his skin, made that same layer of flesh crawl from its pervasiveness. It was wholly unlike the sacred grounds nor wayside sanctuaries devoted to the Light that he remembered from his own world, nor like the considerably "holy" places he could recall existing in other worlds. Though Zech was accepted and given shelter despite his sudden appearance among its halls, there was a tangible oppression in place.

A judgment upon his very existence pervaded the matrons that tended to this building. Though he couldn't place their intent, their mistrust was as plain as day. No kindness to their words. Saccharine faces and honeyed words laced with poison guided him to a room, and he could practically feel unseen eyes on him even when left to his own devices. He already figured there was no point in checking the point of ingress – they had likely trapped him inside as they figured out what to do with this intruder.

It was... intolerably infuriating, if he were to be quite honest. That inner, nascent, verboten power that shared space with the very core of his soul trembled in outrage, and, for once, he could almost feel his own and its intentions aligning in perfect agreement. "Divinity" could hardly withstand a very primordial force that fundamentally opposed whatever power of "Order" that served as the composition for this so-called divine essence.

His fingertips suffered an erring twitch or two, the Chaos practically begging for release as he could feel the familiar surging of its presence starting to light his nerves, empowering him. And just before it could make its presence manifest upon the world with its usual implosion of raging, azure flames...

An interruption. Someone had approached the door and addressed him, and Zech quickly stifled the Chaos' encroach as he slipped his hand behind his back. A dark brow quirks upward, even while trying to furrow alongside its twin, at the peculiarity of the statement that this blindfolded man addresses him. Wait— Man? He hadn't seen any others...

"Why would I sleep? The accommodations suck, to be brutally honest." He attempts to downplay his stewing irritation by way of griping, taking some gravity out of the situation. "This little congregation of yours could stand to learn a thing or two about proper hospitality. Never been to a church that tries to interrogate a pilgrim first rattle out of the box, then traps him in a gilded cage when they don't like what he has to say."

He shrugs at the followup statement. "Who needs revelations anyway? I don't need my future dictated to me. And there's not a damn thing remotely 'divine' about me. I'm a human being. Maybe not the most normal human being out there, but I'm still human." Under any other circumstance, he would have appended a "Well, mostly," qualifier to the end of that sentence, but he felt a reasonable certainty speaking too freely would bring unintended consequences.

The upwards quirk of his brow quickly tilts at an angle, finally joining its counterpart in painting his expression with a troubled look at the blindfolded one's amusement.

"Of course I want to— ...The hell did you call me?"

This nomenclature was confounding. It felt like he wasn't being acknowledged as a person, but as some sort of... Thing. Was this more trickery on behalf of whatever this organization was?

"That depends. Do you really want to leave?"

He asks, attempting to peer past the veil of the blindfold with his own look of resolute conviction. The desperation was certainly clear on the other's part, but that didn't mean there wasn't some kind of other intention being hidden from him. There were already too many secrets for his liking as it was.

They said he had appeared in the palace's innermost sanctum, not wandered in, not breached the wards, but appeared, as if spat out by the very gods or pulled from beneath the Lattice. No name, no offerings, and definitely. . . no reason. The priest-mothers had panicked and bowed in the same breath. Their oracles had stammered, their hands had trembled, and in the next hour, they had locked him behind gilded doors.

They studied him, like a shard of broken divinity. And yet, they. . . did not like him. He was too sharp, and too human-looking. They whispered behind painted fans that he must be punishment, or a test, or a ghost. It was bizarre. Thus, they put him away. It wasn't with chains, or a normal prison, but the room was guarded by walls sewn with divinity. They thought isolation might make him change his mind, that maybe it would open his eyes.

And this, was the part where he came in.

The prince stood in front of the door, draped in white, a blindfold draped across his eyes, and with long sleeves that brushed against the floor. He shouldn't have been there; he hadn't been told. No one summoned him, and yet, he stood there anyway, breathing softly through his nose, hands folded politely at his waist, as if he were visiting a garden and not something forbidden. The door had a viewing window, a small slit veiled in ornate latticework. His fingers found the edge and curled against it as he slowly bent forward, trying to get a better look. " You aren't sleeping. " The prince said carefully, his voice above a whisper. " They say you've refused revelation, even when the Oracle tried to read your veins. " His fingers tapped once on the bars. " They think you're divine, but they don't like that you won't kneel. I understand. " A silence passed as he took a deep breath — the air tasted like consecration. " I shouldn't be here, but I wanted to know what kind of creature made them afraid. " A small smile tugged at his lips, yet faded the moment he realized that he was showing amusement.

" . . . would you like to leave, bladeling-ya? " The prince tapped against the bars once again. " You've made it very difficult for them, you know. They're used to things fitting in boxes: visions, relics, warnings. And then, you. They say you were pulled through the Lattice. " He leaned in further now, his face lightly pressed between the bars as the faintest flush of opal-pink bloomed at the edges of his blindfold, betraying something close to curiosity. " You aren't like them, like us. That's rare here, bladeling-ya. " The prince turned his head, listening to approaching footsteps. Ah, still far, he had time. " I don't like cages. . . and I think you look too alive to belong in one. " The tips of the blindfold flushed deeper, a dusky violet hue now, a color that meant he was clinging to the edge of desperation. " If I open this door, if I get you out. . . will you take me with you, bladeling-ya? I don't know the world beyond the veils. I don't even know your name, but I know what a cage sounds like when it sighs in its sleep. "

His lower lip quivered, and the footsteps were coming closer. " Would that be okay with you, bladeling-ya? "

@wayward-sword - starter.

[wayward-sword]

"To live such a hurried life, sticking to such strict schedules, though..." Zech's voice trails off as his dark brows furrow together in unspoken irritation. Not with Enzo, of course, who is only explaining things as they are, but with the more he learns of this place. He shakes his head in disapproval. "...That's no way to live." It wasn't hard to see, then, why some disruptive elements popped up in the middle of this regimented, day-to-day structure.

He hadn't missed that detail Enzo slipped about this particular group, but decided not to press more about it. Having a more involved discussion while they were on the move didn't seem ideal. The swordsman had no idea about the instruction Enzo gave to his sister, but simply opted to roll with whatever happened without asking too many questions.

His head cants slightly as Meia attempts to explain about this form of artificial life, the elaboration slightly going over his head. Even she's pulling her phone out too now, huh? ...What kind of a place was this, where these little devices demanded so much of people's attentions?

"I'll... think about it." One didn't need any supernatural abilities nor augmentations to be able to discern his hesitance with the notion. To say that he was "technologically challenged" was an understatement, and what he had observed thus far made him reluctant to utilize such technology all the more so. "...Although it kinda feels like I don't have much of a choice in the matter."

"Nah, it's not always like this. In fact, this delay still had us arriving on time. If things had gone south down at the lower station, we would have been waiting out an hour." Enzo shrugged as he leaned a bit on the escalator railing, "If anything, we have more regular interruptions from the AAS movement...A really troublesome bunch of people calling themselves activists."

He planned to elaborate more at the apartment about them.

Looking up to the top of the escalator, he then pulled out his phone to check something with a bit of a scowl. Nothing related to Zech, but it was clear something on that screen got him a little upset. Shaking his head in silent annoyance he straightened up as they reached the end of the escalator, "...We'll have to take the seventh avenue detour, Meia. Let's hit the supermarket there on the way too."

While Enzo was checking his phone, Meia gave Zech a nod, "Sort of. They have proper artificial intelligence unlike robots. Eden's androids have an artificial human appearance, but you can tell them apart by a glowing wristband known as an Identiband."

She blinks a few times when she seems to get an alert before pulling out her own phone to check the lock screen of, "...We have some AR glasses you can try out at the apartment to get an idea of what I meant by my HUD. If you want to, that is." It was better he have the chance to work with the AR tech sooner rather than later. If he was going to be on helping them, he'd need to know how to use it.

When Enzo mentioned the detour, she hurriedly nodded, before unlocking her own phone to tap off a quick message to Nora. It was best if their android secretary, and friend, knew they had to make another stop. It also allowed her to get Nora to help out making sure the sheets for the guest room bed are refreshed before they arrive.

[wayward-sword]

I am no one's possession. My characters are nobody else's possession.

If you want to be my friend and get close to me, you will never have any right whatsoever to dictate what I should say or how I should feel about anything. Your opinion may matter to me, and I may take what you think into careful consideration, but don't ever dare to presume you can control me – either through passive inaction and silent resentment, or other, more direct methods. I am another human being behind this screen, the same as you. My thoughts and my feelings are just as valid as anyone else's, even if they might come into disagreement with your own. Nobody is allowed to take that from me, no matter how close we are.

Similarly, my characters do not belong to anyone else but me. Setting aside arguments of artistic license and the concept of "death of the author", you will never have any right to presume you can control my characters for me. That, in and of itself, is a form of godmodding no matter how you dress it up, and I do believe I've made it quite clear how I feel about that over the years. Learn how to play nice and share with others if you want a successful partnership in terms of this collaborative writing hobby of ours. Communicate. But be willing to listen to your partner while you communicate.

If you cannot respect these very basic appeals to human decency I request out of anyone and everyone, then you cannot have my companionship as a friend and you cannot have my characters whatsoever. Being my friend gives you absolutely no right or special privilege whatsoever to overstep or disregard the autonomy of myself as a person or my roleplay characters, as much as this is just a hobby we do for fun.

[wayward-sword]

It is not possible to think your way out of an interpersonal conflict or ambiguous social situation. The information that you require in order to move forward dwells inside of another person, and you literally cannot figure that out yourself, no matter how good at perception, pattern matching, fawning, making up scenarios in your head, preparing, or minimizing your feelings you are.

[wayward-sword]

I’d like to throw in the fact that some therapists (usually white women) will enable toxic individualism under the guise of self care. A lifelong friend dumped me via text, AT THE INSTRUCTION OF THEIR THERAPIST, after months of her refusing to speak to me after I expressed being hurt by one of their actions. She told me that her therapist “approved” of her avoidance of me (“protecting her self truth”) and that said therapist had “confirmed” her suspicion that I secretly hated her and had simply chosen to stop “serving” her as some sort of manipulation tactic (I had no such feelings like that whatsoever. I just missed my friend and any attempt I made to talk with her was ignored until I eventually gave up and was left confused and more hurt than before.) She also said that she was instructed by the therapist to block me in every way possible and make sure I had no way to respond in order to “ensure her healing journey.”

No consideration for my feelings at all, or the fact that we had been very close friends for a decade without any major conflict until I said “hey, that kinda hurt. can we talk about it.” A whole relationship gone in a few months thanks to a “professional” feeding a sick ego. But hey, therapists are infallible, right? Obviously I’m the problem here. Pah.

Yeah we as a society need to have a serious conversation about how often toxic or even abusive people go to therapy just to use therapy approved language as a tool of their manipulation without ever, in any capacity, actually questioning or working on their behavior towards others

[wayward-sword]

the world gets a lot easier when you learn to be wrong without getting pissed or doubling down. saying, ‘you’re right, that makes sense, I was misinformed, thanks for telling me’ instead of going to war over something your ego’s latched onto will save you time, energy, and the embarrassment of sounding like a whiny little bitch

[wayward-sword]

i mean this in the nicest way possible but some of you need to learn how to be annoyed

[wayward-sword]

So often when people present themselves as "too nice" or "empaths" or "givers" or "people pleasers" as if those are admirable traits, what they really mean is that they have shitty communication skills and don't know how to stand on their own needs and boundaries - which is something to work on, not build your sense of personal identity on top of

[wayward-sword]

Like there's a big group of people who think their problem is that they're too nice when actually the nice thing for them to do would be communicating their needs and boundaries before the relationship is eventually destroyed by them quietly over-extending themselves and resenting it

[wayward-sword]

It's like how too many people will loudly identify as "kind" and "good" as if being a good person is an inherent static identity label and not the potential result of a series of active choices you have to make every day. Kindness isn't something you just are, it's something you do and have to keep doing, and if you start viewing it as this inherent characteristic of your personality that you don't have to work for because you think having "good intentions" inherently and permanently defines you as a human being, then that's a problem

[wayward-sword]

I had a friend who thought she was too nice but really, nothing about her actions was ever actually nice or kind.

She refused to communicate with anyone so everyone else had to do the emotional labour of deciding what we were gonna do that day, where to eat, etc. for all I know she could have hated where I would suggest to eat but never said anything.

I clearly pissed her off at some point because I could literally feel the resentment coming from her but would insist everything was fine when I would ask and would tell her every time I had a tough conversation or set a boundary to please do the same with me. She never did.

I used to be a highly insecure people pleaser so I get it but I spent years working on myself and pushing myself out of my comfort zone to get to the point where I have confidence and am able to communicate with people. She hated that about me and would act like I was too much. Pressuring myself to make myself smaller for her comfort isn't nice.

She also aligned herself with other people's abusers despite knowing full well how wrong that is, probably because she thought taking sides is mean or whatever even though she wasn't even friends with them in the first place and they abused her friends.

I could tell this all came from a fear of confrontation and abandonment but all of the above is why I'm not friends with her anymore. It just becomes a self fulfilling prophecy that could have been avoided by being willing to make herself uncomfortable for once. None of that is nice. She needs to reevaluate her entire life and sense of self if she wants to have good relationships and be happy.

No one I've met who sees themself as "too nice" has actually been nice and kind at all. I don't think it's malice. I think they really believe being that passive is the nicest thing to do but letting yourself get resentful of friends about issues that could easily be resolved with a conversation and aligning yourself with bad people because you refuse to take a stand for anything is actually really fucking mean. Actually being nice and kind means being firm and taking a stand on things.

No exactly, like I absolutely get that this kind of struggle is rarely based in intentional malice, but the problem with defining all your struggles with communication and relationships as "well I'm just being too nice and people keep taking advantage of it" is that you need to be able to recognize yourself as part of the issue before you can get anywhere with resolving it

[wayward-sword]

Make sure you don't accidentally punish people for communicating their needs and boundaries. When someone cares enough to have the uncomfortable conversation, that's a compliment and a clear sign that they are invested in the relationship. Yes of course it's uncomfortable to hear that something you've been doing has been upsetting someone you care about when that was never your intention, but people generally only bother to have these conversations with the people they want to keep around - the people they trust to care. If they just didn't like you, they'd probably just try to avoid you. So make sure you don't make it into a more punishing experience than it has to be. Try to see the care and the trust behind the criticism, even when it triggers uncomfortable emotions. It's a good sign that they're there telling you.

[wayward-sword]

Discord drop for those of you who don't have it yet.

[wayward-sword]

Anyway, sorry to everyone else for the sudden and heavy bursts of OOC lately. Unfortunately, it was a bit relevant to post here despite it being personal problems because it all revolves around a certain individual who had become a very large part of this blog for the last few years.

Someone who made me, and all of the friends they made through me who are also mutuals of theirs on here, into problems over the last two months because of an incredibly dire mistake they made in their personal relationships. And, from our own friendship and closeness with one another, I had wanted to trust they would be a mature adult about the whole situation and resolve their issues with me as an adult should. This did not happen. And they have only spiraled further into a self-detonating cycle that's caused them to push everyone else away.

I say everything I've said here out of the virtue of finally allowing myself to speak out openly about everything in a place where they will likely see eventually, because they have refused to let me have my voice and to communicate with me whatsoever after first trying to use me as a glorified confessional booth, a source of validation and escapism for a mistake that's way too serious and inexcusable for anyone but enablers to provide, and then trying to scapegoat me to my own friends (and God knows who else) as being the cause for their mistakes and problems just because I had to give them a reality check while still trying to help them correct their behaviors.

I needed to get it all off my chest as I'm moving on, because I can't possibly be their friend, and no one else can either, while they're being this way. No one should have to put up with anyone at their absolute worst. We're all human beings, and our own thoughts and feelings are just as valid. No one should have to deal with such abuse and manipulation over the poor mental health of another.

It's okay to have certain conditions. It's okay to not be okay. But what's not okay is when you treat others badly because you're not okay. Literally anyone with any knowledge whatsoever in mental health will tell you this. Being hurt does not give you the right to hurt and disregard others, much less blame them for your own mistakes and poor decisions.