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trauma and starvation a true story of my experience with sleep.

I was diagnosed with ADD and ADHD when i was in 1rst grade. My aunt and uncle the abusive ones there answer to everything was pills. Have a headache, pills. Have breathing problems, pills. You get the idea. Those idiots follow government orders so much that if the doctor said jumping off a building would cure depression they would do it. The doctors said I need pills for ADD and ADHD. So i got on medication. Guanfacine i think is what it was called. It did not help. I was just too hyper for my aunt and uncle. They said i had ADHD because i was a hyper child. The pills did nothing but mess with the chemicals in my brain. It made me sick. I would wake up feeling weird. Like it's so hard to explain the feeling. I just never felt right. If I ate anything in the morning I would feel this way for the entire day.Then the trauma of my moms boyfriend started taking full effect. I stopped sleeping. I would stay up all night with my eyes fixed open watching every square inch of the room. I always felt like another presence was in the room with me. There was something in the house and I felt if I let my guard down even for a split second that something terrible would happen. I had not the slightest clue what it was but it was as if every survival instinct was fixed on watching the room and not ever sleeping. I remember being so sleep deprived that I was lying there one night doing my usual guarding when i accidentally blinked, but i couldn't open my eyes back up. I tried and tried but it was no use i felt fully conscious just trapped inside my body. The free will to guard my life was ripped from me i felt like a soldier in the middle of the battlefield suddenly blinded and parrellized out in the open, out in the line of fire. Scared is an understatement for what I felt, I was utterly terrified, there was something in my room and I was no longer aloud to guard my body. My body was unwillingly handed to whatever the hell was in my room. I finally was able to open my eyes. I went back to guarding. The same thing happened a few other times. Some other day after words my aunt made me take a nap. The room was fully lit so I felt safe and didn't need to guard. The second my head hit the pillow my memory is black until two whole weeks later. My body had gone into a sort of comma straight. I was so sleep deprived my body shut down. I slept for two whole weeks. Then my aunt decided I needed pills for sleep. That little bastard she's the reason I fear sleep till this day. It really didn't help me 

sleep. More like it forced me to sleep. I can't stand being forced to do something every instinct is telling me not to do. it pisses me off that she did that. I will never forgive her. Fast forward a few years my body became dependent on it. But pills run out. Oh the dreadful thought of my pills running out. My uncle was the one in charge of getting my pills refilled. It would take weeks on end before he finally went in and got the refill. Oh the thought of what happened in the weeks without the pills. I'm going to walk you step by step through my experience with sleep. Imagine being exhausted almost to the point of insanity but sleep only pushes you further over the edge. Imagine laying down at night. Scared because you know you have long painful terrifying hours ahead of you. It's dark in the room and you constantly fear something is out there shielded from your eyes by the darkness but it wants only to do horrible things to you. It doesn't help that your tired mind causes you to hallucinate. Through the darkness you see unholy things. Hellish things. You see them watching you. You feel there horrible intentions for you. Finally your tired mind gives up. Your heart pounding. Your sweat dripping you begin to fade into what you wish was peaceful sleep. But there is an electric fence guarding the land of sleep as I have come to call it. You are pushed into the fence by… something. You feel your body violently spasming as the electricity flows through you. You feel all of it. It hurts like hell. You just want to give up. But your trapped. you know you're asleep. You feel your body breathing. Or do you. You feel your body stop breathing. You try to pull yourself away from the fence but the more you try the harder it shocks you. Your head hurts. You think how hasn't this killed me yet. You use every but of strength you have to pull yourself away from the fence or as most people would call it the verge of sleep. Finally you body responds you are yanked away from the horrible fence and to the physical world. You don't feel rested at all. The worst part is only an hour has past. Its only 10 o'clock at night. You have a long ways to go. You still feel them out there in the darkness of your room. Ready for round two? That's what you say to yourself. Sleep i a chore not a peasantry. The innocent pleasant peacefulness of sleep was taken from you. Even as your wide awake you still feel the occasional zap of that fence. It goes like this. Your vision goes black for a split second. You breathing stops your body seizures. You feel like your getting electrocuted. ZAP ZAP. just two or three time you get zapped. Not constantly for several minutes just a few zaps on occasion. No back on track. Your body is shutting down it need sleep. Your brain is beyond the point of hallucination.

You fade back into sleep. As your moving towards the gate you feel bombs going off inside your head. It physically hurts. Your getting electrocuted again and there's bombs going off inside your head. You've made it past the gates your sleeping. But it's even worse the being at the gates. Your having this dream. Your walking there's trees. Your on a sidewalk. There's the road to your right. Not too bad you think you could just ride it out. But the out of nowhere this ball as hard as a rock hits you in the head you feel every bit of it. Your body seizures again and you get ripped back out of sleep again. You still don't feel rested. Oh no. you have a headache from getting electrocuted so much and your sticky with sweat