weaintshinin

[weaintshinin]

to the ghost of your past,

i never thought i’d have words for you, but here we are. most of the time, it was just the sound of my teeth grinding, worn down to the roots as i had to make room for you, forcing your presence into my life, creeping into spaces i never wanted you in. you never belonged, but you found your way in anyway, didn’t you? you carved out a spot in her world, in my world, and now, for all the chaos you left behind, i owe you something. without your damage, without your cruelty, i never would’ve gotten the chance to save her.

thank you. thank you for the hurt, the lies, the endless fights. thank you for twisting her pain into your own selfish pity story. you were so blind, so lost in your own darkness that you couldn’t even see her light. she was always there, flickering like a candle, waiting for someone to notice, someone who could keep the flame alive. but not you. you made her bleed for love, for your miserable love, love that never came. and for every promise you whispered to her, every broken lie that slipped through your teeth, i thank you.

you set the bar so low i could step right over it without even breaking a sweat. for that, i’ll always be grateful. you turned her heart into a war zone, a battleground where she fought to understand why what she asked for was so hard. but in your absence? in your absence, i learned how to give her what she deserves. i’d tear myself open for her, bleed myself dry to make sure she knows what real love is. you wanted her to beg for the stars, but she only ever needed someone to give her the earth. i would’ve given her the stars, but after you, all she needed was me, my hands, my warmth, my presence. the certainty of a future that doesn’t crumble the way your promises did. you could never hold her for more than a moment without turning it into a performance of you, your pain, your suffering, your pathetic need for validation. you could never see her. not really. not the way i do.

now, when i wipe away the poison you left in her, when i carry her burdens and make her feel powerful again, she looks at me like i tore the heavens apart just to give her something she thought she could never have. it was always going to be like this, wasn’t it? me and her. i’m not just her lover, i’m her shadow, her heartbeat, her soul. i’m more of her than i am of myself. she’s mine. all of her. you? you were never meant to last. your fleeting touch could never hold her the way i do. when you love someone like i love her, you need a fire that burns so hot, so uncontrollable, that nothing can tear it apart. you were a scavenger begging for scraps. but now? i feast on her. i stand by her side, every part of her mine to consume.

thank you for making her think she was a monster. you forced her to believe the darkness that you caused was all she was. so i could show her the truth. no beast could ever love her the way she deserves. now, i give her everything, everything she’s ever needed. we laugh about the ghosts of your past, at how they crumble into nothing, their rotten spines long gone. she’s mine now. my love. my everything. my obsession. and i’ll never let her go. not even in death.

[weaintshinin]

i love her in every city, under every sky, in every universe.

[weaintshinin]

𝙾𝚌𝚝𝚘𝚋𝚎𝚛 𝟷𝟾, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟼 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝙳𝚒𝚊𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝙾𝚏 𝙵𝚛𝚊𝚗𝚣 𝙺𝚊𝚏𝚔𝚊, 𝟷𝟿𝟷𝟺-𝟷𝟿𝟸𝟹

[weaintshinin]

we were meant to meet, we were always going to cross paths. i take comfort in the knowing. sometimes knowing means seeing things you don't want to and i've seen a lot, understood that to keep a scrap of sanity you sometimes have to turn off to seeing the ugly, the terror. but you are that terror. we can mince words and say it nicely but you are the ugly in the world and i don't want to look away. i want to watch without blinking, see every ounce of that dark and disturbed soul you carry. don't argue with me, you have a soul. it's stunning and corrupt and before you there was no meaning to it. great doesn't always mean good. i didn't know the ugly could be so beautiful, dressed up in bows and blonde. god, i never want to look away now.

is love really measured? what do we measure it with? can it be useful or does it always have to be something untangeble and soft? there's nothing soft about it. it can be useful, it can just be a sense of belonging. i am useful, i belong, what more is there to it? you find what you love and kneel to it, wait while it's gone and hope it'll come back. every time you come back, i know exactly what love is and every time you're away i start counting, start measuring. measure me against anyone else and I can keep up, i swear i can keep up. i belong, i love.

belong to me, naekkeo.

[weaintshinin]

a lover’s discourse, roland barthes

[weaintshinin]

— Warsan Shire

[weaintshinin]

please tell me why every interaction you have with me feels like you're trying to claim your territory when you lost your chance the second you tapped out the first time. you can stop now.

[weaintshinin]

how to tell someone you’re obsessed with them but like… in a chill way

[weaintshinin]

✞ 666 ✞

[weaintshinin]

my love for her is a baptism in fire, a holy communion where my lips kiss the bitter wine of devotion. her body is my cathedral and i'll worship in silence. built of flesh and bone, carved by the hands of sinners, not saints. every curve a parable, every touch an epistle. i'm just a desperate disciple just kneeling before her altar. my heart is a pulpit, beating out sermons in a language only she can understand, every pulse a prayer sent down to the heavens, every sigh a confession and she's always listening.

i am crucified on the cross of her absence, my arms stretched wide, nails of longing driving deep into the soft wood of her bedframe. her eyes, stained-glass windows, look through me and i only see salvation in her. her voice is the hymn i can never stop singing, an ache woven into my skin, pulling me toward her with every syllable. i'll reach for her as if grasping at the hem of a holy garment hoping to touch something divine, even if it burns.

this love is the thorns on my crown, a slow, tender martyrdom. i am burned by the fire, consumed by the flame, and yet i walk toward it, unrepentant, my soul bare before her, asking for nothing but the grace of her touch. i've never been a believer but i've found my faith.

[weaintshinin]

you are not broken, just bruised. giving anyone else the power to claim that over you would suggest it was more than child's play. she was just a child, she only played tag with you until you stopped chasing.

here's where it gets different, i don't expect you to chase and yet you do while i in turn will chase you down. we aren't running a race but running endless circles around each other. there's a balance, there's more than just a desire to take. i want every piece of you, naekkeo but in return you can have every bit of me.

[weaintshinin]

Roland Barthes, from A Lover’s Discourse (tr. Robert Howard)

[weaintshinin]

i haven't slept a full night in almost a week but i've never felt so well rested.

i'm glad she couldn't appreciate what she had, you know.

내 곁에 있어줘

(stay here with me)

[weaintshinin]