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[weebliss]

Lethargic

People are still expecting their plot twists this year. I don't. I'm not good with surprises anyway. They shock me and make themselves linger in my head which is bad because I entertain them no matter how old the memories are. This makes me half alive physically.

I still have four working days to drag myself through the monotonous part of my life until the awaited days of vacancy. Of doing nothing but to reflect how this year changed me tremendously and how I ignore its effect because I still pretend I'm the same person I was before. I so like the person I was before and the moments she experienced. I never thought my envy would reach this level as envying my old self.

This is quite paralysing.

Most days in November were spent lying on my bed and moping about things I can't change, about moments which slipped through my grasp, and about the possibilities of the future. I was not myself lately and it was frustrating that nobody noticed. But I was also quite relieved that nobody noticed hehe. It saves me the trouble of explaining myself.

So my lazy self got away from the trouble by acting nonchalant by day and crying hard at night. I wallow myself with self-pity because I'm still such a weak vessel for all of these overflowing emotions. But I forgive myself for this. It's our human nature to cry if life overwhelms us, anyway.

How silly of me to contain my emotions.

[weebliss]

Let's talk about birthdays.

I was 7 when I decided to stop celebrating my birthday. I wasn't happy about it. The adults ate my food. My cousins refused dinner because they're always full. We played instead. After party was spent on watching my mom washed all the dishes. I felt exhausted for her that night and I was not even happy.

I was 12 when I scribbled this sentence on my grandpa's bedroom wall: "I am 12 years old." I need reminding. Nobody remembered my birthday except for my cousins. They asked me to dinner, stuck a used candle on a piece of bread, and chanted to blow myself a wish. I can't remember what I wished that day, but I can still recall how I psyched myself. "Don't cry, don't cry. They mean well, they mean well."

I was 16 when my parents asked me to go with them to the city. It was supposed to be an orientation about night life because I was bound for college. All I learned that time were entrance fee is expensive, I don't like dark, noisy, and crowded rooms, and I am beyond appalled with cheap entertainers with their cheap sexual innuendos. I appreciated the education my father was trying to instill in me. It worked. But I can't help but think he just didn't know me at all.

I was 19 when that day was wholly treated as an ordinary day. Nobody remembered. Nobody exerted any effort for me. And I was happy on my own. Well, okay my favorite teacher remembered and whispered her greeting to me and I also helped an old woman with the ATM. That was all. I was just giving back sincerity.

I am 25 and I unintentionally reminded my colleagues about my birthday last week. I took a birthday leave because I just want to leave hehe. I didn't celebrate my birthday and I was not happy. It was just a leave.

My goal now is to spend my 20s trying to avoid the people who remember my birthday or to try not drawing attention to myself any day of the year. Just stay quiet. Just stay quiet.

[weebliss]

As much as possible, I would like to have time to be detached from the hurl of events that are demanding my attention right now that's why I will always be grateful for this night of listening to crickets instead of the wringing blabbers and predictable jabberings that filled my ears this morning. I'm prone to irritation these days because of the prolonged summer heat and the shortened days. They make me feel like I'm running out of time.

It's hard to write about gibberish, so I chose to dispose my unprocessed thoughts to other media - - sometimes to twitter but mostly to people. Small talks to colleagues, anxious thoughts to strangers, and hasty rants to my mother. The result is an empty head filled with clarity, so I can focus on things that matter to me. It's important to heighten my senses especially if kids are sharing their personal anecdotes to me, their latest achievements so far, and their budding perspective on the self. It's the little things. It's important to catch and acknowledge them for the listeners. They're fragile little kids learning to be tough in this cruel world. I don't want them to think that being an adult means ridiculing the things they're proud to love so we'll sing along with Twice, marvel the smooth transition of their amateur music video, and laugh at funny posts on Facebook.

I would like to be keenly aware of their feelings. The longing is from the maternal love my mom has exhibited to other people's children. She used to be a babysitter and a nanny before and I envy her undivided attention towards them hehe or maybe I just want to listen to kids talk than to listen to the lies my teens were telling me this morning.

I don't want to lose my hope in them so, I always stick to my mantra of being kind even if I can look through their intentions. Products of a sick sick world and indecisive parents, I hope they can find people who will understand them even more. I hope I can be one of those people. But right now, I'm just irritated. Kids these days.

[weebliss]

I woke up 2 am in the morning to relieve myself but I had a hard time sleeping again because I was imagining things that never happened but the hurt was real. Self was thinking about younger me. Guess I didn't grow up or I guess growing up is just pretending I can do things for awhile and spend weekends just like how I spend weekends before ten years ago. I'm locked in my room with my phone. Finished a short story and now attempting to unburden myself with the emotions.

Tears spring up from random things and from random memories. Some are not even mine to think about but I'm feeling them. Anyway, this is just a delayed reaction from terrible moments I didn't shed a tear before. They're haunting me sometimes it's inconvenient. Like now. I'm supposed to get out of the house and do meaningful things but I'm weighed down on my bed and don't want to get up unless it's for biological reasons. It's a lovely morning. Everything is serene. What a perfect time to be nostalgic.

Will get over this I know. I always do. I'm just one of those people who entertain themselves with loneliness.

[weebliss]

Hi :)

I have two reasons to love July. One is personal and the other is UDD :D As usual there's nothing remarkable about August. No memorable moments to remember just pure adulting. In the first week of August, my mother and I were determined to save for the summer. I saved again after how many months haha. I have also renewed my license, passed sheets and forms, made it through the first quarter with work I am proud of. I finished my grades and finally talked about my problem to the head registrar. All is well now :)

A number of my colleagues took advantage of the long breaks in between class days. They went to other places to unwind. I, on the other hand, was stuck at home. Holidays were annoying for me last month because of ruined class schedules and lazy students. Work was halt from time to time and breaks meant spending days inside the house enduring the construction noise outside the door. Land madame wants to build additional rooms for her apartment. That was the hottest August I've ever experienced in my entire life I also didn't want to go out of the house. Noise I can't endure but at least I have my earphones but the heat was a downer.

Calm was felt early in the morning, late at night, and on Sundays. They're almost done with the rooms now. I can't wait to clean and organize my things. The construction dust gets inside our room too. It's a bummer. I tried to sleep during the day and tried to stay awake at night. Just savoring the solitude even with my eyes half closed. I'm actually typing this post drowsing over a cup of coffee. I can afford to sleep late tonight because I have already prepared my slides for tomorrow :)

My mother changed the curtains last night and she bought groceries too. I'm cheerfully tired after a day's influx of resurrected students. Ha. A huge chunk of my heart is happy for my brother. He is doing his best in his studies! Need to remind myself to share my meal tickets with him tomorrow for a job well done :)

[weebliss]

I have these terrible moments of stifling a cry when I notice that the surrounding does not require any of it. In the middle of a happy chatter, looking at my mom cook, or a quiet night on a holiday. This is unhealthy I know, so I make myself cry whenever I'm alone. I think of sad thoughts, listen to sad nostalgic songs, and read unsent love letters. But whenever I do these, I feel calm. Happy, even. Maybe because I can finally identify what's weighing me down. I can finally name the feeling. Feel it even more and tuck it under my sheets for safekeeping. Prologues to sleep will always be cruel but I'm proud to have them with me. They are my companions whenever I feel numb after a day's work. What makes me happier is the fact that people who have gone through inexpressible sadness have left something to comfort me. Something to remind that things will pass. There will be fleeting moments of happiness that I need to catch and more inexplicable nights that I cannot hastily ignore. But at least I have the luxury of time to ponder these things. To think that I don't barely exist.

[weebliss]

I'm craving for this night to be mine and mine alone. I'm just sitting here on the floor fighting back sleep, staring into space from time to time, listening to the crickets, and currently typing this post. I do not know where my thoughts will lead me tonight. It's just that these past few days, I caught myself zoning out and breathing heavily, and stopping in the middle of what I'm doing.

What seems to be my problem, I guess, is my refusal to succumb to the cycle of things. I'm never one to attach my life's purpose with my job. Never one to measure my self-worth with relationships, and I'm currently assessing myself that I'm also not one to conform to society's definition of success. But I'm here. At least, I need to function for the greater good because others are also doing their parts for me. I should not be selfish but I also don't want to define myself to how others need me - - use me. I could really be self-sacrificing sometimes. I think this is the reason why when things seem to go well for me (for a suspiciously long period of time) I panic. Nobody's needing me. What should I do? Thus, I'm left with no choice but to ask myself again if I'm genuinely happy until answer is halt with another distraction I'll be happy to participate. The cycle goes on. I'm in it. So much for differentiating myself from the crowd.

Why is this life such a paradox?

[weebliss]

A eureka moment was when I've first done something and I did it right :) That's when I watched Up Dharma Down (UDD) live alone with the crowd. The timing was perfect. I talked to @thedennisism that week and he highly recommended that I should listen to their songs and watch them live. I did. I listened to them for two weeks and watched them perform in front of me last week. I couldn't believe how good that night was to me. I arrived early to secure my spot close to them, they played on time, they don't like small talk (yey!) thus, filling the hour with good music,  and the crowd was quiet during the performance I could hear Armi well! My heart was happy 💞💞💞

What's tugging my heart right now is the thought that I discovered them and their songs at the right time - - at this stage in my life when I have my share of feels. Their songs are poetic, beats, melodies, and other sonic jargons I don't know are well appreciated by a music peasant like me, and Armi's voice is clear and expressive I could listen to her all day. My personal favorite is "Never" even if I haven't read the lyrics yet hehe but I replayed "Sigurado" a lot of times. Now I'm reflecting on "Parks" and "Luna". I love "Thinker", "Turn It Well", and "Taya" too.

I like that they didn't rush the creation of their album. It took them 7 years to finish their 4th album and a lot could happen in 7 years in their personal lives. I love their commitment to craft good music they'll never regret.

Most of all, I love Armi. I love her when she said she loves anonymity, that she still gets nervous in between songs, that she is awkward on stage, and that she interacts with people through her songs. I like her no nonsense attitude and her pouring love for music.

I'm not much into music myself especially songs about love for the reason that it's a topic overly abused and distorted but UDD's songs are different. They sing about the varied emotions in falling in and out of love without claiming to be the better person. There's realization of pain and still pain no forced healing or positivity. Just the slow unfolding of feelings from being hurt and scared and brave in a person's feeble way.

I maybe writing about UDD but I'm actually referring to myself. Hiding some pieces of me I still don't want to face yet. But thanks to real artists with pure intentions, I can morph these pieces with music I can reflect on.

[weebliss]

I can't help but compare my now to last year's. I was engulfed with overwhelming emotions last year I thought there's no point on worrying about trifles. But this year's almost over and nothing gut-wrenching has happened - - at least not yet. Cautious me is shrugging off suspicion to make space for life's irks and wee bliss. I can handle some pleasant distractions now without the guilt. I think I deserve that. And I will be writing about them soon to remind myself of them before they fleet. I'm trying to break walls to catch feelings. I'm even willing to throw some to people whom I've heard from afar. The hens are setting me up again but I will suppress annoyance and go with the flow. I am also allowing myself to grow and be stupid again. There's so much fun in experiencing things late but with understanding. This bubbling happiness comes from a jar I filled with my little dreams. I got myself little dreams. Nobody will want them because theirs are grand. Mine are easy to love, easy to take in. I will make them part of me. I see them as little fireflies glowing around the jar. They glow outside surrounding the jar with me inside it content with gazing at them and keeping my head up hoping for the gleam to grace me as long as I keep my lid open.

[weebliss]

The most productive thing I did yesterday was to make a girl cry as she explains to me the isolation she felt inside her home. She wiped her tears with her skirt and I offered her different views on how to see her situation. To make up with the tears, I made her smile. I cautiously made sure that the conversation ended well by stitching up the deep wound I opened for 30 minutes. I didn't think the script taught to us from the seminar would suffice so I spent time with her in awkward silence then speaking gibberish because when I'm sincere, I talk like that. Heh.

That night Aireyn, my 9-year old tutee, asked me this, "Can you tell that I've cried?". I answered yes and sat beside her ready to tell her to stop annoying her cousin when he plays ML. Then she said, "Ask me why." "Why?" what's new? She cried again. She said her mother's family will be moving to another barangay. I did not prompt her to tell me the reason why her mother and her popsy were kicked out of her grandma's house. I consoled her by telling her that the barangay is 7-peso away from her. If she's old enough to commute by herself, she could visit her baby sister as often as she wants. You know, empty promises an adult says to a kid just to stop her from crying. It's my own version of my mother's "puhon" speech - - someday, someday. What broke my heart was when she said she's worried her mother wouldn't borrow her anymore. Borrow. Like she's a thing. Borrow and return after use please keep her in good condition. Poor girl. Aireyn. Her other grandma was yelling her consolation from the dining room. Stop crying she said. She'd drive her there she said. Aireyn wiped her tears and we both watched a movie she'd memorized by heart. I nodded my head and repeated what she said. Things I learned from the seminar.

[weebliss]

A bird perched on a wooden frame attached to our wall last Sunday night and only left the spot to fly in circles under our ceiling. It was raining outside and the view was pitch black. My mother and I just let the bird stay for the night. It was still there when I woke up but that time it hopped on the clothesline in the little corner of our room. Ming Ming was sleeping on a pillow and realized the bird's presence when I turned the light on and annoyed him in his sleep. I was worried about the bird that I opened all our windows and doors to let it go but it flew above me in little circles instead. Mom told me to turn off the light and I did. The bird flew away.

In a completely different note or not, I don't know I'm writing this in a rush, I am slowly accepting the fact that the people I didn't like from the start can change for the better too and I still don't have to be involved with them. Life is treating them great and I am not jealous. I wish them well but I hope we'll never cross paths again. I myself is great too. I'm happy I'm aware of my thoughts and emotions. I have my little circle. I'm good in my bubble. I have goals to work on and I'm checking them off one day at a time. But there's this looming thought in my mind which tells me that I'm wasting all my potential settling for a simple life. This thought is in contradictory with what I feel inside. I'm genuinely happy. I'm working on my personality. I like who I am now why do I have to be so hard on myself again? This is enough.

My thoughts are temporary no need to stay in that side of my head all the time but I'll make room for these thoughts for self-improvement :)

But yes... people change as well as our adversaries and this time for the better. I should be happy right?

[weebliss]

070819 2:16 am

I'm typing this while the night sky is snapping shots of me through the little space uncovered by my curtain. I like it because it's pretty when it lights up a couple of times before it shuts for a moment and then do the same thing again without the sound. And that my shirt is also gray just like the clouds outside illuminated by lightning.

I just woke up from the most satisfying sleep I had ever experienced during Sundays. I slept 10 pm last last night after watching some Chandler videos and woke up by 5:00 yesterday morning feeling fresh :3 I felt so good yesterday I drank coffee after 5 weeks as a reward. Now I'm wide awake. Must be part of the withdrawal symptoms. I never pulled an all nighter before, so this is new to me. Me still awake this 2 am in the morning after attending a draining party last night. Me typing this post using time words which feels weird for me because it doesn't feel like last night's a long time to be called night and today morning. I can still think clearly. This can't be. I still have a long day waiting for me less than three hours from now I should be sleepy!

Ugh... feel like doing some paperworks on my bed this morning because I bet I will not function as a normal human being later.

This is all for now. I'll be making unnecessary noise just like the noises I hear outside my window.

Good morning :)

[weebliss]

070219

Me and my need for solitude will be the end of my career. I went home after borrowing these books from our poorly stocked library. Actually, the trip to the library was just to buy me time to officially log out from my duty. I went home by 1:40 pm carrying these books inside my backpack. Work was draining. There's just too many people to work with. Also, I was assigned a student-teacher to assist me which is inconvenient because she invades my personal space. She'll be with me until Auuuguusssttt. Ugh. She's older than I am. One of them people who just wants to be in the field for survival. Comment ends there. I don't know everything.

I'm pissed off. My throat is itchy. My voice is hoarse (again). Maybe because of the soda I drank yesterday which was too sweet for my taste plus the unpredictable weather. Good thing my sched is good to skip work and procrastinate tomorrow. But still in a bad mood for feeling this. I drank two cups of ginger tea and ate two bowls of noodles today, almost slept on the ride home, and finally slept for an hour on a bamboo chair after reading five short stories from Genoveva Edroza Matute. My goal for this school year is to read more books written by Filipinos, thus the hoarding. I'm on a journey to rediscovering my national identity. Nothing grand. I just want to look for answers on some personal questions. Part of having a sense of self.

I should not be writing this with a sigh. Not all employees have enough time on their hands to spare for laziness but I can't help it sometimes. Must recharge. Must be selfish. Must be stubborn haha.

This is all. I'm glad I remember to take a photo today :)

[weebliss]

062819

woke the neighbor's kids early to help them with their exams and their grandma made me coffee which I was thankful for because mom's paksiw na isda sa bato (hahaha basta) was bitter. i didn't eat much. also took a bath before breakfast and danced to Lauv because it's a gloomy Friday. Ate breakfast with mom and brushed my teeth while listening to Ebe Dancel. I know I thought of great ideas that time but I can't recall them anymore hahaha. Wore my comfy knitted sweater, black square pants, and newly received pointed shoes. Now I regret not taking a photo of me today wearing them. Head to school still listening to Ebe. His songs make me accept feelings and realities in life and still be hopeful about the future. Daydreamed most of the time. Went to school and helped with the kids' costumes, encoded data, filled out forms, and was about 70% done. When costume was finally realized my cousin cancelled dinner so, I went home. When I was walking to the waiting shed, an ex high school crush called me. I felt indifferent but I said hi in return. The guy was a little bit lost in hs but we were never close, so what do I know? Listened to Ebe and saw mom waiting for me at 7/11. Bought grilled fish for dinner and ate rambutan and lanzones. Now sprawled on my bed and will be scrolling myself to sleep tonight. Also, I just found out there was a double rainbow this afternoon but I was in the office the whole day so I didn't notice :'(

P. S. Supplies in the house will not last us till next week. Must make a list of what to buy. Certainly a little on meat, more on veggies. Hope I can drag my mom through this change of lifestyle.

[weebliss]

I received my first salary for this school year and I give myself a lazy yeeeeaaaahh... I'm not in a hurry to spend it because I don't have to. Kidding, I'm still planning on what to do first. I really need to be conscious on what I spend this time because being broke is never funny. It's not cute. I know I haven't reached the point of being broke yet because when I cried over my unemployment last summer, I still have my savings in the bank actually. I can also loan money but I didn't because I'd be embarrassed. I was not saving my money on schedule. I felt I didn't have the right to borrow money. Heh.

So, I'm stuck here at home on a Friday payday. Ideally, I should've gone out with my colleagues to relate with them. I notice our number is getting smaller and smaller making it hard for me to stay low-key. This is the time to know them even more, so that I'll know how to behave around them to avoid work haha. I don't like it that I am given the hardest load to teach and I'm not confident with my colleagues too but I think it is still early to judge. I need to observe them closely. But as of first meeting this afternoon, I know I'm doomed.

Anyway, going out to dinner with them will be an added expense and extra calories on my part. You see, I'm typing this post on a half empty stomach. I'm trying to check my diet and I'm still not good at reading labels on food. Just yesterday, I thought a big bag of chips has 140 calories haha. I ate my dinner last night on a saucer.

I don't have to be hard on myself I know but this is a self-imposed discipline. I need to learn. I don't have the excuse of youth anymore. People I love depend on me. I need to be trustworthy. I'm such a good person hahahaha said no good person ever. Really... I deserve to have a boyfriend to take good care of me for a change.

For now, I'm loving the comfort of home and family in this rainy night. I'm also done with watching Friends. I'm not sad about it because I can watch it again hehe.

Hope you had a good day people :)

[weebliss]

Thank God It's Monday!

I'm a morning person and I'm proud of that. I woke up 5:30 in the morning and prep myself for school. My uniform still fits me haha. And while waiting for breakfast, I watched some episodes of "TGIS" on YouTube. It popped out of my recommendation so, I watched it and fell in love with teen Red Sternberg. He plays Kiko in the show. He's such a cutie. I asked mom about the show and she got kilig talking to me about it. She even borrowed my phone and watched a bunch of Bobby and Angelu interviews while I ate my breakfast. It's a major throwback :D

It must have been fun hangging out with friends and seeing them face to face just like how the TGIS Barkada did it before. They hang in their friend's house talk about things, play games, and plan on going out together. No cellphones! No photoshoots! No social media! Shocker haha. It makes me compare my teenage life with theirs. I thought how amazing it must have been to be with your barkada in real life. I entertained myself with this idea as I headed to school.

I arrived at school by 7:14 am. I already prepared the slides and activities for my homeroom classes last Friday, so what I freaked about was research. I asked questions from my colleagues on what to do, what classroom policies to apply, where to get materials and the like.

First meeting with advisory classes went well. I am now more observant of students' behaviour. I can see potential blessings and headaches but I'm still at lost on relating with them. I asked them about their favorite songs and I haven't heard most of them. I'm growing old :'( Anyway... I did not say anything stupid (I hope) and I prepared for my research class. My students are well behaved because hello first day? But I knew I came in strong so, they better not mess with me. Anyway, everything was smooth. I still had time to do recitations after that it rained hard. I was tired for the day really tired. Lunch was only 30 minutes and my last class ended by 6 pm. When I claimed the stairs to the office, I heard the calm sound of the pouring rain. It was a relief. I stayed in the faculty room waiting for the rain to stop. I sat limp on my chair thinking that it was still Monday. MONDAY and I was that tired.

I went out by 6:44 pm. It was drizzling but I had my umbrella. I hunted for a jeepney and good thing I found one quickly. I went it and had small talk with my former student before. His class will always be my favorite class and he made it remarkable so, of course I was happy to see him. Such a cool kid. I went home by 7:30 ate a quick dinner with mom and went to my neighbour to help them with their assignments. It was still raining, so the grandparents understood why I was late. The kids smiles made me happy :) I'm back with them again and I could tell Nigel was now soft around me haha. He's not making my life miserable anymore. It was also their first day of school so, assignments were just reviews on topics discussed last school year. It was easy. I thought that was it but Ate Betty increased my fee because there are four of them now, all smart, and she gave me pasalubong from Dubai. So thoughtful of her :)

I went back home with two soaps, one bottle of shampoo, and a big bar of chocolate. I was really happy about my day but I was also tired at the same time. I spent the rest of the night meditating and scrolling Facebook. I slept by 10:30 pm because I have a 7 am class in research by Tuesday.

That is all :)

[weebliss]

It is quite a relief that I still have the things I call my own - - my table, my clutter, my space, my job. Some people I know would continue their plans for self-redemption in another place, which is good if they expected things to happen and bad if they lack self awareness. They left traces in the office but they were swept clean and waxed for others to occupy. Some of their things were shared or kept by their friends and others were thrown because they are useless.

Useless.

Who wants to be used? I would like to think that I'm needed but if people do not need you anymore, it is also the same as being useless. I will never get life's satisfaction in a job. Who are they kidding? A person even blames her suffering for loving her job so much. I think she is demanding the same love from us but I can't give that. Call this mediocrity but I will only give what I believe is enough. Going the extra mile doesn't appeal to me anymore. That is not being noble. That is a result of inefficiency.

These office blues are getting into me again but I just don't like the politics. I feel like I need to impress someone to stay when I thought it was about the performance. This upsets me because I thought I'm working with people of principles. But I thought wrong.