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Also I’m feeling extremely tired. Yet we haven’t done anything at all. Fuuuuuuck...

The holidays are meant for fun and relaxation with some studying here and there. And here we are, being bombarded with these awful thoughts and feelings. I’m trying to deal with some troublesome alters too which has made me feel even worse. I don’t have the motivation to do anything and thinking of the future isn’t helping at all

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The holidays are meant for fun and relaxation with some studying here and there. And here we are, being bombarded with these awful thoughts and feelings. I’m trying to deal with some troublesome alters too which has made me feel even worse. I don’t have the motivation to do anything and thinking of the future isn’t helping at all

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This family is beyond dysfunctional

Mum is obviously upset and she’s very quiet. She’s hiding secrets and is trying her best but something could easily break her when she’s like this

Ian is being very dismissive and trying his best but he’s obviously upset too. If I had to guess his previous relationship (which was abusive as his ex was very emotionally and maybe even physically abusive towards him) has been in the the back of his mind and he’s also staying quiet and feeling so much shame inside

And then there’s me. I’ve also been quiet and dismissive but I’ve seen how the other two are. I’ve been trying my best to talk to them and be positive to cheer them up. But I’ve been very upset too but in private as well. I can’t even tell them what’s wrong as neither know the exact reason why I’ve entered this shitty period of life and I can’t even be sure if they’ll believe me if I explain that the past is catching up to me. Not even I know all of the details of it all. Plus I don’t want to upset them any further

Tonight has been quiet as three upset people didn’t want to talk

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Mum came in to ask if I would mind having something else mixed in with my meal that I have never had before as her boyfriend (who was making the meal) wanted to make something all in one go rather than using separate dishes to make it. But the way that she phrased it was very guilt tripping and I felt ashamed and guilty saying no. But her fucking tone and choice of words was very triggering and I need to look after everyone, including myself, from anything that could hurt or trigger us. And no guilt tripping will stop me from doing that, even if I do feel immensely triggered afterwards

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I’m not one to let stuff get under my chest but seeing mum being distant emotionally has gotten me rather uneasy. It doesn’t help as well that Ollie is usually with me and they are more sensitive to emotional change so now we’re kinda at a standpoint of what on earth to do and feel. It doesn’t help that we’ve all been feeling triggered and emotional lately so we’re kinda affected by this. I know that mum is most likely just upset, everyone gets upset, but it feels like my fault somehow. And her tone of voice and her actions are very nostalgic, and not in a good way. I told her that I would tidy my room as soon as possible but she didn’t have that energy behind her voice when she responded. I pity her, I truly do, but it also feels like something that I shouldn’t get involved in otherwise we could get hurt somehow. I feel bad but I don’t want to get involved, especially since I don’t want to risk getting triggered even more

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I’m a fucking idiot. I had a question which, if I wanted to get answers, would trigger us so what did I do? I fucking looked for answers. I realised my mistake before we could encounter anything bad but now we’re shaken from it

I’m an idiot XD

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Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t being cute and ‘clingy’ and ‘adorably needy’. Being with (romantic or otherwise) someone with BPD isn’t akin to taking care of a pet. BPD isn’t an ‘aw it’s so endearing that they need me so badly’ type of thing. 

BPD is a mental illness that is a conglomeration of several different tendencies and it’s not easy to diagnose. You don’t just decide you have it, just like you don’t decide you’re depressed because you had a bad  day, or you don’t decide you’re bipolar because your mood changes quickly sometimes. Believe  me, you don’t want it.

BPD is turning nothing into everything, is knowing you’re being irrational and not being able to stop regardless, is suppressing breakdowns for fear of being abusive or of manipulating the person you’re talking to into having to take care of you when they really don’t want to.

It’s thinking someone doesn’t care about you anymore because they made a new friend. It’s automatically registering new people as a threat. It’s a fear of abandonment and rejection that’s damn near omnipresent. It’s being able to shift from ‘I love you so much!’ to ‘I don’t give a fuck, I hate you, I don’t even want to talk to you’ and back at the drop of a hat.

It’s finding identity in a drastic hair change, and then feeling unsafe and desperately trying to fix it before you have to go out. It’s seeing someone you adore and trying to emulate them because you have no idea who you are. It’s waking up and trying to be a new person every day. Go vegan, go goth, go hipster, go glamour, cut your hair, change your makeup, gain weight, lose weight, and never feel quite there. Ever.

It’s comprehending ‘love’ as ‘pity’ and wanting to rip yourself apart if their tone is all too casual when your friend or love interest is returning compliments or affection. It’s regretting saying anything about your mood and desperately trying to turn the conversation around while simultaneously NEEDING to get it out. It’s wanting to bleed yourself dry as opposed to cry in someone’s arms because, at least then, they don’t have to clean your wounds for you. They won’t hate you. They won’t be annoyed. 

It’s the constant battle, every time you get upset, of, “Is this worth being sad about? Is it worth talking about? What is more abusive, talking about this or hiding it? If I tell them I’ll bring them down and I’ll guilt trip them and they will resent me and it will all be my fault. If I don’t, I’m a disgusting liar, I’m manipulative, I’m untrustworthy.”

It’s wondering if you’re faking your symptoms. It’s disassociating and feeling like a ghost for days. It’s feeling like you aren’t real, and then wishing you weren’t. It’s fear, a lack of self, and about a million different thoughts running through your head at all times. It’s trying to live for the people you love as opposed to yourself. It’s feeling suicidal and then feeling bad for feeling suicidal because, whoops, you’re being manipulative. 

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EVERYTHING IS SO LAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGYYYYYYYY

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When applied to a family, the gaslight treatment is a special form of dysfunction. It happens when you, a child, receive messages or encounter experiences within the family which are deeply contradictory. 

Messages which are opposing and conflicting; experiences which can’t both be true. When you can’t make sense of something, it’s natural to apply the only possible answer:

“Something is wrong with me.”

Today, scores of children are growing up under a gaslight of their own. And scores of adults are living their lives baffled by what went on in their families, having grown up thinking that they, not their families, are crazy.

I have seen gas-lighting cause personality disorders, depression, anxiety, and a host of other lifelong struggles.  Receiving contradictory messages that don’t make sense can shake the very ground that a child walks on.

The Four Types of Child Gas-lighting:

Keep reading

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Axol apparently witnessed my breakdown so Imma annoy him now! :D

BITCHES GET STITCHES

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HEEEEEEEEEEEEECK I JUST REALISED I NEVER SAID WHO WAS FUCKING AROUND ON HERE

HI I’M OLLIE I’M A PIECE OF SHIT BUT I TRY TO BE OUTGOING AND SOCIAL FOR THE SAKE OF OTHERS

ERIN I’M SORRY FOR USING YOUR BLOG

BUT THIS IS PRACTICALLY EVERYONE’S VENT BLOG NOW AND I’M NOT THE FIRST ALTER THAT’S NOT YOU TO USE THIS BLOG TOO

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII I’M STUPID

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I just thought of something stupid that’s funny to me 

Having suicidal and self-destructive thoughts? Keep on crying until you become physically exhausted to do anything so you won’t act on those urges!

This is stupid but it’s too real to me I’m sorry

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Hey I stopped crying now!! Now lets over-analyse how much of a shit person I am!!!

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I’m gonna find a reason to push you away and I hate myself for it.

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my unhealthiest coping mechanism is clinging onto any person that gives me attention after being abandoned by someone

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hey lemme get uhhhhhhhhh an fp that actually loves me and doesn’t abandon me

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Literally anyone in my life: *is upset or aloof*

Me: they probably just have something going on in their life that has them feeling this way

My brain: it’s your fault

Me: shit you’re right