weepingwillowswamp

[weepingwillowswamp]

okay. HELLO EVERYONE.

im sorry for my long period of offline-ness, but im back for now :) as for him, well. predictably im still very intent on him, and i had quite a distressful period but now its okay again. and as for interactions, the teacher changed for our elective class, so i wont have him anymore and so once i found that out, that final class was actually so ugh because it just felt like when i finished my class with him last year.

i have been dreaming of him quite a lot recently too, and i wonder if thats because now i suddenly dont have any more assured times in his presence and if my mind is trying to make up for that.

anyway, here is my little welcome back. i hope to be more consistent again!!

[weepingwillowswamp]

sorry about that little hiatus…but a lot of things are changing. i hope to start posting more again soon x

[weepingwillowswamp]

perhaps if he wasn’t such a quiet underlying factor that crept into almost everything i do, it would be easier to be complacent towards him.

[weepingwillowswamp]

i don't know how, but i think it would really help me to start giving a few less f-bombs about everything. like just let myself be how i need to be in the moment rather than forcing so much from myself.

in regards to him and being supposed to feel or not feel certain things, but also in a grander view. maybe then everything would fall into better place anyway.

i do still really miss him though and i still feel really strange.

[weepingwillowswamp]

i crossed paths with him today and i very much could’ve smiled at him except for the fact that he didn’t look at me. so. yeah, no, thank you so much sir i’ll just go sit in the corner and think over every other missed opportunity thank you so much.

[weepingwillowswamp]

something is seriously going on with me. i've been so frustrated at him for the past like day and a bit. which is strange, because feelings like that usually barely last in regards to him.

i had my elective with him, and had like one exchange of words, which i initiated. he did approach me though. he looked really nice, he was wearing a shirt he hasn't worn in a while and i liked it.

i don't quite understand why i am so - in simplest terms - mad at him or with him. it's not like he paid any less attention to me than normal. i think that because he was absent for the last one, i had been emphasing everything about him, but i do that anyway, so i'm not really sure.

but i am sure that i am somehow so upset with him and i've been holding onto this frustration for the past two days almost. and i'm not used to it and i don't like it because i never feel like way towards him and i don't know what it means.

[weepingwillowswamp]

sometimes i regret not trying harder in his class when i still had it - maybe then he would’ve remembered me as smart and top of his class.

not that i think he perceives me as incompetent now, but still. would’ve helped.

[weepingwillowswamp]

he looked really nice today and it makes me want to throw up and pull my hair out. it’s gotten bad again and i literally can’t stop thinking of him.

[weepingwillowswamp]

sometimes i wish he’d tell me that i’m a freak and that he’s horrified of me and hopes he never sees me again because then at least i know i’ll have left an impact on him. even if it’s twisted.

(i don’t actually want to upset him at all, but you understand the sentiment)

[weepingwillowswamp]

i miss having his class so badly. it made me so anxious but god i would take it back in an instant. in all honesty i think it’s gotten worse the less i see him, because my mind tries to compensate for the lack of real interaction that it got used to once receiving.

at least i have this transition time though i suppose. if i went from having his class to graduating and never seeing him again in one jump i don’t know how i would have handled it. maybe it would have been better to go from one extreme to another in comparison to this unobtrusive middle ground. i can’t quite tell.

[weepingwillowswamp]

i dreamt of him and i haven’t done so in quite a while. it makes me so sad when i wake up but it also makes me so happy because it’s as if i really saw him and interacted with him.

memories and dreams wash together anyway.

i had looked at him and we’d made eye contact so i looked away but then i looked back and he looked at me again and i held it because i realised i had nothing to lose but then the dream moved on.

even my dreamscape doesn’t want to allow me sustenance it seems. but i haven’t made eye contact with him in so long so i also am really glad for it.

[weepingwillowswamp]

i don’t know if i’m more terrified of the day that i let go of him or of the chance that he’ll settle like haze over me and never truly leave.

[weepingwillowswamp]

i saw him again today IVE BEEN HAVING SUCH BETTER LUCK (i hope i don’t now jinx myself) he was wearing a jumper which he doesn’t usually do and it was again something i haven’t seen him wear before…recent shopping trip? anyway his hair is still nice and he’s still nice. i did just keep looking at him until he was out of sight though because i literally can’t look away or else i feel sick.

soon i’ll be having my elective again so hopefully he’s not absent again 🤞 i want to talk to him again so badly it’s been a month i’m actually so excited i could cry.

[weepingwillowswamp]

EVERYONE CHEER because i saw him so many times today BUT I FREAKING MISSED A CHANCE TO SMILE AT HIM which i will elaborate on soon.

first of all, i saw him in the morning when i was walking with my friend, then i like doubled back with them to be able to see him again UGH i know but i can’t help it.

then later i saw him whilst i was in class, and i did indeed just stare but in my defence he was really far away so.

then the chance that i could’ve smiled i was literally walking to the bathroom and it was like the one freaking time i wasn’t super alert for him and like we kind of crossed paths but we crossed paths too late for me to have done anything but if i was alert maybe i could have waved to him or something before IM LITERALLT KICKING MYSELF THIS IS WHY IM ALWAYS SO HYPERAWARE FOR HIM BECAUSE OF STUFF LIKE THIS AND THEN I GODDAMN MISSED IT WHEN IT WAS LIKE THE BEST OPPORTUNITY IVE HAD IN AGES i’m actually so upset with myself but it’s okay because in the grand scheme of things it wouldn’t have made any difference but it would have made me happy. but it’s okay.

he looked really nice again but to be fair he always looks nice to me.

[weepingwillowswamp]

also SAW HIM TODAY YAY he looked really nice today, was wearing one of my favourite shirts of his. and his hair is at such a nice length and i’m so scared he’s gonna cut it soon.

[weepingwillowswamp]

i don’t understand how he’s managed to seep into my every pore without ever touching me.

[weepingwillowswamp]

HE WAS HERE TODAY!!! yay i saw him twice. (lol) okay so.

i was studying in the library, and there’s like windows to the staff room in there, right-so basically i was on my way out, and i got a glimpse of him through the window, then had a moment trying to decide whether i should turn back and look again and….the thoughts won! so i doubled back pretending i forgot something so that i could look in again, and he had like gotten up and was walking so i got to see him for even longer. and he was wearing a shirt i’ve never seen him wear before.

then, i was walking to class and saw him walking across the common area again so that too was nice.

AGAIN i wasn’t like in close proximity either of those times to interact at all :,( but still, i SAW HIM YAY and he had been talking to another teacher and smiling so that was nice.

god i miss him.