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blocked almost everyone irl who followed this blog so i can use it like a "private" on tumblr to type long things

so anyway. thoughts on expression? there's gonna be a lot here but i already feel good about putting it into words

man i have so much stuff i'm thinking about rn! and it's not necessarily bad but it's just so much at once that until i got some decompress time with my bf today, just a few hours of sitting alone being overwhelmed and blank was Too Much for me to handle

so the logical thing to do is to try and put words to some of what i'm thinkin about:

i'm becoming aware of a bunch of miscellaneous things about how i've treated myself that were passively influenced by who i thought i "had" to be bc of my position alongside my now-ex partner. but because they weren't directly stopping me from being how i wanted to be...

...I feel really strange about using this breakup (& surrounding situation) as a push to experiment with myself? because i don't want to give off the vibe of "oh now that I'm """free""", look at me changing!". There's a little bit of a 'freedom' feeling, sure, but it's more a freedom from the version of my ex I had created in my head, rather than from the real person, so I don't want to project anything & make them feel bad.

BUT! I think if I let that stop me from exploring how i can change, i won't change, and I would like some change! And it's simple stuff. I wanna get my hair cut a new & more androgynous way. I want to handle the moderately upsetting re-masculinization my body is doing to me with grace, and kinda embrace being of indeterminate gender more. I want to dial in what's comfortable for me so I can be more confident in my own body, and therefore be (hopefully) a more charismatic & composed person to others.

I have a lot of internalized shit about not feeling like i live up to the good things people say about me. I don't project that back to them often, bc that's not good for anyone, but it does bug me internally. Like I simultaneously want more validation from people, but I also feel innately uncomfortable with the validation I get, because I look at myself & my actions, and don't feel the same way. That sucks, but I wanna work on that! With that said....

I'm not sure whether changes to my presentation/appearance and how I carry myself are good ways to remedy this problem? Because of course it's easy to want to change when you feel bad about yourself, so that people will validate you. I don't think that would be good for anyone, either.

I also think there have definitely been times where I lose control of myself bc I'm overwhelmed by all the feelings inside me that I'm trying to let out, because I never plan how I'm going to change or communicate with people about what I want to do differently with myself. Like I'm looking for someone else to tell me what my next step should be to become the version of me I want to be. But I have to take those steps for myself, and that was one of the things I talked about w/ my ex when we broke up. So I guess that's another way this all ties in. Becoming a more true version of myself is an effort I have to make first & foremost.

So in summary! I still wanna make some steps with my presentation & let that influence my identity in whatever way feels natural, if at all. I've been thinking a lot about my identity & labels recently, and I think that I've been feeling more strongly gendered. Not necessarily as any particular thing (though I've been communicating it as feeling more fem bc that's the only gender I know how to feel strongly), but just more defined. Like I know that there's a strong identity somewhere in me, but that I can't pin it down. I wanna embrace the part of me who's a messy, horny, overly open, gay, emotional woman(?), because those are things that I suppressed in myself (to varying extents) as a result of the complex I built around my now-ex partner.

And the best opportunity to reveal more of myself to the people close to me is the one I actually take. <3

[weird-lesbian-handshake]

“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”

Either happily married or part of some weird sex group

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Name: Mr. Blizzard

Debut: Super Mario 64

Who ordered the Funny Snowman? Not you, because this is a blog and not a restaurant, silly! You are just so silly. But between you and me, I am a fan of Funny Snowman, so I will humor you!

Mr. Blizzard is one of the first snowmen to appear in the Mario series, and the one who would become the most iconic and recurring. This is something he should be proud of, since Super Mario 64 has a bunch of snowmen in it! But one of them based his whole identity around missing his head, and the other one is an entire location. Gimmicks that make them memorable, sure, but not very versatile for future use!

Mr. Blizzard's design really notably uses billboarding, the graphical trick where a sprite will always face the camera, giving flat circles the appearance of spheres in a slightly blurry 3D world. Snowmen are SO orbs! Some of the most orbs guys I can think of! It was a very good decision. Mr. Blizzard is honestly slightly unconventional compared to other cartoon snowmen, with no nose- nay, nary a carrot- and a simple line mouth, rather than the typical "series of dots" mouth that we know and love. Instead, it has a blank, autism creature face, with its eyes and mouth seemingly made of the same material! Mouth made of eye, or eyes made of mouth? You won't know until you kiss him on the lips!

Nowadays, Mr. Blizzard uses a new design, which I also like a lot! This time he has a scraggly mouth because he is, as I assume he would say, "not too sure about this one, guys". He now has snow buttons on his torso, revealing that he was previously NAKED down there, and he also wears a bucket as a hat! That's one of those things that's so common in Japanese media, but in Western media it's always a top hat. So funny how one cartoon snowman had such influence on media! The average snowman-builder is much more likely to own a plastic bucket than a top hat!

Mr. Blizzard's main Thing is his single arm, adorned with a cute little mitten, which he uses to throw snowballs. Do you think that's like throwing his own flesh? I don't think so. If clothing buttons and igloos can also be made of snow, I think snow is just the building block of a snowman's world. But still, imagine some cattle throwing delicious meatballs at each other. Messed up! How would they even do that with hooves? Would they use their tongues like slingshots? What was I talking about? Where am I?

Oh yes! I am in "Snow World". Mr. Blizzard is a recurring enemy snowman, but Mario's world is also full of morally neutral living snowman, who DO have carrot noses, thank goodness. These snomonculuses are obstacles on snowy Mario Kart courses, but it's kind of rude to refer to them as that. Is a pedestrian an obstacle to a driver? Suffer, vehicles, as I wield my high level spell called "right of way"!

In Mario Kart Tour, these entities are exclusively referred to as Snowpeople! Gender? They hardly snow 'er!

[weird-lesbian-handshake]

you’re not gonna believe the gas station i drove by today

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Sometimes I wish we would start calling out the performative radicalism on this site for the poser bullshit it is. "Remember, it's always morally correct to kill a cop!" "Don't forget to firebomb your local government office!" "Wow, it sure would be a shame if these instructions on how to make a molotov cocktail got spread around!"

Okay. But you're not killing cops or firebombing government offices. You are posting on a dying microblogging website to a carefully-curated echo chamber that has radicalized itself into thinking that taking the absolute most extreme position on any subject is praxis but that anyone discussing the most practical way to effect actual change is your sworn enemy. You do not have the street cred OR the activist cred to be talking about killing cops, babe.

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hi, gentle reminder that you can reclaim slurs for yourself but not for the entire community! Please don't say g*y when talking about other fags, it is a harmful word that has been used against the queer community to hurt mlm, use less harmful words like cocksucker, faggot, queer, and fairy! Thank you ✨

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well…

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the love I have for you is worn

in the way a good leather glove is "worn" - it fits perfectly, but you can tell it's not new

love eludes when one longs for the sting of a boot not yet broken in

of a muscle infrequently used being strained

not to its limit

only just past comfort

of a uniformly colored leather glove

learning to whiten in the cracks of one's knuckles

feeling every feeling is love at its purest

feeling every feeling is overwhelming

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okay time to stop using this blog as a NSFW sideblog and instead just. Make an nsfw account again. We start anew

(dm me if you would like to follow <3)

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nobody ever talks about how hard autism can make sex and physical intimacy. i accidentally remembered the New Lamborghini Here video while a woman was fucking me once and trying not to immediately recite it elicited a single uncontrollable sharp bark of laughter that made my pussy clench so tight i shot her cock out of me like the ball machine at a batting cage

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the typical transphobic talking point of "oh so if the person you're having sex with decides they're transgender during, does that make it gay/straight sex huh????" is stupid for the obvious reasons but also because if somebody transed their gender while they were inside me that would fucking rule. keep me guessing babe

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where's that quote abt like. being embarrassed abt the thinness of ur life the way ur embarrassed by a threadbare piece of clothing. bc like yeah

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Fuckers with the wildest kinks will rag on the foot folks specifically for some fucking reason and I do not get it. Why that specifically? I am ambivalent to feet, but like, I want to drink somebody's blood. Why is just some random-ass body part the posterboy for the gross weird bad kinks? It is so tame.

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v quick n messy sketch after seeing this post

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girlfriends went hard with underwear+oversized shirt as an outfit

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I think I might be aromantic