wellthebardsdead - Tumblr blog

[wellthebardsdead]

Raphael: I think of myself as, the fox~

Tav: You, whine incessantly? Absolutely reek with an indescribable stench? scream while having sex?

Raphael: I?! You contemptuous little-

Haarlep: two of those things are true~

Raphael: IM GOING TO BEAT YOU IN THE FACE AND ASS!

[wellthebardsdead]

*sighs and hits reblog* I can’t escape him. He’s got me. I want his Denis.

[wellthebardsdead]

𝙃𝙚 𝙘𝙡𝙖𝙞𝙢𝙨 𝙝𝙞𝙨 𝙖𝙢𝙗𝙞𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 𝙞𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙪𝙣𝙞𝙩𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙃𝙚𝙡𝙡𝙨. 𝘽𝙪𝙩 𝙘𝙖𝙣 𝙝𝙚 𝙗𝙚 𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙨𝙩𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙥 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚? 𝘿𝙤 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙝𝙞𝙢 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙣 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙩𝙧𝙪𝙨𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙀𝙢𝙥𝙚𝙧𝙤𝙧?

[wellthebardsdead]

𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑛𝑜𝑡 𝑒𝑛𝑡𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑒𝑑? 𝑤𝑒𝑙𝑙 - 𝑓𝑎𝑟 𝑏𝑒 𝑖𝑡 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑚𝑒 𝑡𝑜 𝑑𝑖𝑠𝑎𝑝𝑝𝑜𝑖𝑛𝑡.

[wellthebardsdead]

Astarion: the devil shows up wherever he pleases, in an outhouse, an old pair of boots, my own bedroll, the gods damned egg carton even!

Tav: I doubt he’d turn up there.

*literally 10 minutes later*

Astarion: *his turn to cook dinner, picks up an egg only to see Raphael’s face staring back at him*

Devilled egg: Hello~

Astarion: *high pitched screaming as he hurls the egg across camp*

Devilled egg: *cracks open upon impact and a tiny Raphael steps out of it and leans on the shell* A good evening to you too~

[wellthebardsdead]

Also left cheek, right cheek, chin and Larian Studios on the throat this man is using every ounce of strength to not burst into complete and utter laughter.

He is holding his composure together by a thread.

POV the last piece of your grand evil scheme walks into the room for the first time and they have ‘forehead’ tattooed on their forehead

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Poor Athis just said it out of reflex too 😭😂 when he wakes up and everything’s explained he’s just like “I won’t say it again just don’t hit me again”

Poor Vivi and Sterenwould be the most protected dunmer in skyrim after the companion hears their story 😭

Vivienne: *getting dressed, quietly wrapping his scarf around his shoulders and pulling it over his hair to conceal his face*

Steren: *gently grabs hold of it and pulls it back* you don’t have to do that anymore… we’re safe here Vivi…

Vivienne: …Okay. *smiles and pulls it back*

*literally 30 minutes later*

Vivienne: *walks into jorrvaskr with steren to look for work*

Athis: *drops his sword* Vivec?!

Vivienne: *grabs sterens cape and hides beneath it*

Steren: oops.

[wellthebardsdead]

Jasmin Darnell

[wellthebardsdead]

Vivienne: *getting dressed, quietly wrapping his scarf around his shoulders and pulling it over his hair to conceal his face*

Steren: *gently grabs hold of it and pulls it back* you don’t have to do that anymore… we’re safe here Vivi…

Vivienne: …Okay. *smiles and pulls it back*

*literally 30 minutes later*

Vivienne: *walks into jorrvaskr with steren to look for work*

Athis: *drops his sword* Vivec?!

Vivienne: *grabs sterens cape and hides beneath it*

Steren: oops.

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Haarlep: Go on Raphael, they already know you can’t hide anything from me~ tell them the truth…

Raphael: you vile creature… *huffs and turns to face Tav* I- I care about you. There. I said it… and I taste bile rising in the back of my throat just uttering that alone.

Tav: feelings of affection frighten you, and that’s okay-

Raphael: No it’s not… I look at you and an indescribable rage overtakes me because of these- Feelings. *huffs* Just Admitting them leaves me feeling vulnerable, enraged… helpless.

Tav: do you think that by admitting to them that you’re giving me some form of power over you?

Raphael: I’m not giving it… You already have it… when I look at you… all I want is you. To be wanted by you and… it sickens me.

Tav: …I love you.

Raphael: … *human form giving way to wings and horns as his eyes burn like fire against his red skin, his footsteps quick and precise like a predator ready to disembowel its prey, his heavy footfalls stopping just before them as he looms over their smaller frame and flares open his wings, his tail raised and fangs bared in a snarl* …Say it again…

Tav: … *reaches their arms up around his shoulders, pulling him down and into a gentle hug as they stroke his hair and rub the base of his wings* I love you…

Raphael: … *drops down to his knees and hugs them around the waist* …Please don’t leave me…

Tav: I won’t… *continues patting his hair* I love you…

Haarlep: … *smiles softly* they’re telling the truth.

Raphael: … *squeezes Tav around the waist tighter*

[wellthebardsdead]

As long as I breathe this motherfucker will not know an ounce of peace

[wellthebardsdead]

Oh yeah I'm gonna be So Normal about this.

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Same energy

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Voss: please you must accept the devils offer we-

Tav: it’s alright, wait for us downstairs.

Voss: *looks at them, then at Raphael, then at lae’zel*

Lae’zel: listen to them Kithrak, you can trust them.

Voss: *nods* very well… I will await you downstairs. *walks out*

Raphael: I’m glad to see you’ve made i-

*squeak!*

Minsc: I? Boo? You know this man??

Raphael: boo?

Boo: *scurry’s down minsc’s arm and leaps from him onto Raphael’s awaiting palm, before scurrying up to his shoulder* squeak!

Raphael: I- well yes I know that-

Boo: squeak!

Raphael: yes and I’m greatful for th-

Boo: squeak! Squeak!

Raphael: I?! You can’t be serious! Let’s be reasonable here my furry friend-

Boo: SQUEAK!!

Raphael: Ugh! Fine! Take the damned thing! *summons the hammer dropping it at tavs feet*

Boo: squeak.

Raphael: what about her?! I know I owe you more than a few favours but-

Boo: *grabs his face* …

Raphael: *visibly nervous* …I’ll release her.

Boo: squeak.

Raphael: …And apologise.

*a few minutes later*

Astarion: I would. Like to thoroughly and sincerely apologise to boo… I don’t want to know what that hamster is capable of.

Minsc: a wise choice! Boo is the most mighty and powerful hamster in all the realms! And he accepts your apology.

Boo: squeak!

Tav: who was it he asked Raphael to release by the way?

*meanwhile in the house of hope*

Korrilla: I don’t want to end my contract with Raphael, he’s a great boss and he gives me what I want when I want it Hope!

Hope: ughhh if you won’t leave then I’ll stay here. He’s not allowed to hurt me anymore so I guess I’ll forgive him. He seems to be suffering enough as is-

Raphael: *bawling his eyes out into his pillow because his plans all got undone by a hamster* ITS NOT FAAAAAIR!!!

Haarlep: *patting his hair* there there~

[wellthebardsdead]

Evalien meeting Henwen: a snow elf-Atmoran?…

Henwen: *backed up against the wall of ice that was his home before he got sent forward in time, holding his spear out at her* g-go away, go away!

Evalien: Aw… *pulls a blanket from her bag and casts calm on him* come here sweetie… You need a bath.

Vs:

Evalien Meeting Sylas: *walking through a crypt checking the Draugr to kill any before they can raise up* hm… that is an. Oddly attractive and very much alive draugr.

Sylas: *opens his eyes*

Evalien: *punches him*

Sylas: OW!

Evalien: yep alive alright. *looks at the soot on her hand from his disguise* you need a bath.

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Sero: no no- shhh shhh shit don’t cry don’t cry it’s okay!

Henwen: *nose running, tears pouring down his face, lips pink and inflamed, coughing and hiccuping as he cries* I-it hurts!

Kaidan: *walks in* … *grabs sero by his throat* What. Did. You. Do?!

Taliesin: *pouring Henwen some milk* He tried dunmeri curry and nobody mentioned to him it contained CHILI!!!!

Sero: I THOUGHT THAT WAS A GIVEN!!!

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Kaidan: so we have to get a horn for them, meaning we have to come back up these damned steps again?! Ughhhh! I don’t even want to go back down them today!

Taliesin: you’re the dragonborn right wendy?! Can’t you just command a beast to fly us down there!

Lucien: my legs- they’re cramping so badly-

Inigo: I think the exercise is brilliant! As is the view! It’ll make our meal at the inn taste even more delightful! Don’t you agree friend?

Henwen: … *lays down on the steps and rolls over tumbling his way down the mountain*

Kaidan: …WENDY!!!