wendohla-blog

[wendohla-blog]

The coin

the coin of life, the binary, the ends of the spectrum, light and dark, wrong and right, always in pursuit of each other. 

[wendohla-blog]

In the kitchen

With a deep longing. I want to connect about music. The music I love, the music I write, the music from within. I want someone to see it, to love it. it feels like most of who I am is in the music. Like a lot of who I am lies there. And I’m so afraid to show it. I feel repressed. 

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Bookstores

It was so nice to have a day to myself today. I woke up and drove E to his car. He left it at Brenden & Paige’s because it was new years eve last night and none of us were capable of driving home. I was in such a hurry out the door that I didn’t bother wearing anything under my hoodie. 

After I dropped him off I turned on the radio and decided I would get a salad from Cava for lunch. I typed in Cava on my Apple maps and chose the closest one which ended up being the one by 16th Street Mall. I arrived and because it was January 1st, they didn’t open until 12pm so I had about an hour to walk around. It was cold out today and not wearing anything under my hoodie didn’t help. But I honestly didn’t mind the weather today, it felt refreshing.

I walked to the book store opposite the hotel in the square where there’s an ice skating rink. There’s a Starbucks inside the store also so I got a Creme Brule Late which was out of character for me but it was delicious. 

I’d been on Goodreads last night and the book review section of YouTube so I had an idea of what I was after. Daisy Jones and The Six was the one that hooked me. I was in the store reading for two hours, deciding on whether or not I should commit to the purchase. I’m sort of low on money and I spent about $200 on clothes for new years eve that I plan on returning. Sort of like a loan. I planned on reflection time today, oh well the day isn’t over,  I will still do that. Anyway....

I eventually left to eat my lunch and while I was eating my salad I was thinking about bookstores. 

I love them, it feels good in my heart to be there. Maybe because it reminds me of my mum. My mum is a total bookworm, my sister too. She used to bring us into “Boarder’s” whenever we were at the shopping center and despite being financially conservative whenever it came to our wants as children, she always told us books were the exception. She’d be happy to buy us any book we wanted at any time. I also remember the school libraries feeling like a safe haven. Time moves differently at the library. No one is in a rush to be anywhere. There are no demands other than to be silent. The people working move slowly. People mosey around. It’s so peaceful. You are able to relax around company and enrich your self - all for free!

When I first moved to LA, I would often spend time at the Barnes & Nobel at the Grove. It was close to my house and like most American book stores, there’s a Starbucks inside and free wifi. I worked from home often and it was my favorite way to get out of the house. I’d even love going there of Saturday afternoons. I didn’t have many friends so it was nice to go there, read books. Though I didn’t really start reading again until after D died. 

When Ethan left, I bought a book by Sally Rooney that reignited the love of reading. Though I didn’t really keep that up. I would like to do more reading in 2023. When we were in Culebra for Christmas, I read two books in a week. I’m trying to keep the momentum going because I feel more present. More focused, more romantic. I mean look at all this writing I’m doing now. Not really a super provocative topic and almost a sort of mundane rambling, the kind of thing I say out loud to my self in public if I’m pretending to be on the phone. But writing is writing. Inspiration is inspiration. I will gladly take it. 

Ethan should be back from skiing soon. I hope he had fun. I need some more alone time so I think that works out since he’ll probably want to take a shower. I’m glad I didn’t go today. I really enjoyed this day by myself. I’m grateful that we had massages together yesterday. 

I like hanging out with myself. 

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REMINDER

ENJOY IT! Enjoy your life! Appreciate it in the moment. Enjoy it in the moment. Drink it up, smile and laugh. Live in side of it. Commit with your whole spirit. 

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Ideal Day In Each of The Cities I Lived In

Not so much for the tourist, just self indulgence. 

Melbourne, Australia

Wake up outside, in a tent. Stinking hot and looking so ugly it makes your best friend laugh. Vibe to some music and make avocado toast with the plastic cutlery. The smell of last nights bonfire and the ocean harmonize with the summer air. Immediately change out of pajamas and into bikinis with something modest on top since you know you’ll want to stop for coffee on the way to the beach. Head down to the beach. Fish and chips for lunch, with a Nippies iced chocolate. Walk around the beach town, meet some friends. Go home, take a shower, clean clothes on. Have a few drinks outside, invite friends. Have a BBQ listen to music. Summer air stays hot all through the night while you dance, laugh, cry and eventually, fall asleep. 

Stockholm, Sweden 

Summer, also of course. Wake up early, take a work out class. Come home, shower, take your time getting ready. Make up, hair and a very very lovely and comfortable outfit. Dad made avocado on toast. Walk down Engelbreksgatan, get a coffee. Meet up with friends. Smoke a joint, walk around the park. Stop and have lunch at a cafe and meet with your best friend. Talk shit and plan the evening and what you’ll be doing for dinner. Great, it’s decided. We’ll pick up some wine for tonight. Cook a big dinner, sauces, salads. We’ll listen to music, talk shit, cry, laugh and gass each other up while getting ready. Take some pictures. Our friend is Djing at an outdoor club tonight. We’ll meet up with the group first for some drinks. Party is amazing, meet so many great people. Walk home by the water in Gamla Stan. Cross the bridge, my best friend and I successfully take off our make up before falling asleep, all as the sun stays happy in the sky. 

Los Angeles, California

This is where I feel divided:

1. Beach day with my love. Wake up whenever. Stop at Trader Joes. Pack some fruit, seltzers, a few beers, snacks. Get an Urth Cafe salad. Laguna beach. Lie in the sun, sleep in the sun. Listen to music. Play on the beach, kiss in the waves. Drive home, listen to music in the car, cry, laugh. Come home. Straight to the shower, we get in together. Fuck in the shower. Smoke a joint. Order some sushi, watch a sci-fi movie. Scratch my back, sex, fall asleep.

2. Wake up early. Work out class in the morning. Take time getting ready. You have amaaaaaaaazing clothes. From a press loan. Hair is freshly done. Jewelry amazing, shiny nails. Confidence level is on 1000 and you have gratitude in your heart. Listen to music loud in the morning. Have a dance, have a laugh, spoke to family and friends in the morning. Meet up with a friend for coffee, have a catch up. Hear about their life and catch up. Stop by the beach, go for a walk. Drive back to town, hang out at the house. Read a bit outside. Get a text, meet up with some friends at a comedy show. Smoke. Come back to my house have some drinks. Go to house party, talk to lots of interesting people, dance, laugh. Come home, Facetime my love. Take make up off, fall asleep. 

Denver, Colorado

Will report back in a year!

- 

[wendohla-blog]

Bar

Im a bit drunk. i never post or do anything substantial when i’m drunk. Im so afraid of anything I do now meaning anything. The best part about drinking in the presence and feeling of lack of consequences. It’s like not living with fear. That’s what we’re all trying to do. No fear of the fearful, no fear of the love. I’m just as incoherent and rambly when I type as the people who I feel so bothered by. Isn’t that funny. I like it at Hudson Hill. I feel like I’m just a big goose in a cool place. I love eavesdropping. I learnt what it’s like to work a 9-5. These people in front of me are on a date. I don’t know how old she is but she has a son who is 20 and this person who she’s on a date with is 20. He’s not drinking, she is. 

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HAPPY/FEAR

Job wise? SO REINVIGORATED. I feel so awkward in how huge my gratitude for Z and K is. I had so many doubts because I couldn’t forgive myself for being so weak but now it feels like. Ok, damn, I could really do this. I can really do this. There’s no more chain/ceiling. It’s like, I can do it!!!

It’s so hard to be away from E for this long. I can barely admit that to myself but it’s true. It hurts so much I can’t really handle it. I’m trying to. And when I say I can’t handle it, I mean it feels so bad that I start to make him bad in my head. Distance myself. Create problems and reasons as to why I shouldn’t care so much. Because loving someone this much is hard. It’s like all these negative thoughts come from fear of losing them, pain. So lame? Can I not just love fearlessly? I want to do that it’s just some default wiring inside me that wants to push and punish when it hurts. It’s not cute I gotta work on that. 

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Excited

Im excited. I feel tired and guilty. But I’m excited. 

I’m so happy it’s Ethan. He has felt like home from the second I talked to him. 

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Incredible Week

Lots has happened. O, E and coronavirus. Documenting. Haven’t quite processed. I feel so deeply sad and useless when I think about O. I feel excited but nervous with E. 

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Today

Lovely day. Sun was shining. I’m proud of my self for really honoring my body today. I moved it and fed it well. I loved my salad. I accomplished my work. I am grateful to be here and be alive. My circumstances and phenomenal. 

Summer of 69′ is a great documentary. I should sleep but I want to keep watching it. I’m excited for tomorrow and that is a feeling I don’t take for granted. 

My face feels nice, my eyes are heavy. Heart is full. I love sleeping in this room. Window open, fan on full blast, candles, lavender oil, weighted blanked. It’s incredible. 

Tomorrow is another chance to spread more love and joy. Thank you for this life and journey.

[wendohla-blog]

quarter life

I feel very grateful for today. I felt my self relax, have fun with others, cook food, be creative, love, laugh, listen to music and lie in the sun all while being in a place we call home. I feel so much gratitude and appreciation for what Michael said. Sometimes you just have to acknowledge that you built everything around you. You didn’t get it handed to you. And you should be proud of that. Live there sometimes. I have moments where I don’t think I’m good enough. Or like periods of time where I don’t. Where I feel like I’m not doing enough, I’m not pretty enough, kind enough, smart enough, funny enough but I hope I’m coming out of that now. Being with other people helps. 

I’ve been having strange dreams. I feel really happy in my relationship. I just wish we weren’t so far apart now. I’m almost ready I think to live together. That feels exciting. I think we are great at loving each other and having fun. There are many things I think we’re great at. 

Money and I have a hard relationship. I’m doing my best. Maybe it’s just a right of passage. I believe in my self but gosh sometimes it’s really hard. I don’t know how to buy groceries sometimes. And the breaks in my car gave out the other day. I cried a lot but I always don’t feel like I deserve to cry even though I can’t help it. At least I have a roof over my head, I’m pursuing my dreams, at least at least there are a plethora of other things that work in my favor. I’m trying to show my self more compassion and less pity. 

I am learning a lot. I love that. My creativity is coming back. I shouldn’t take for granted how much I missed that. I love it. I sing more, I’m on fashion deep dives. I’m switched on and engaged with life. That feels really satisfying. 

I am impatient. I’m very open to people at the moment but also distrusting. I don’t know if that’s too paradoxle to make sense? 

I have found praying helpful. I don’t do it as much as I’d like but I’ve found it’s good to combat times when I’m worrying about everyone. I just say a prayer for everyone I’m worried about and then I can sleep better. 

I should watch my ego. My eye stopped twitching which means I’m doing a better job at managing stress.

I’ve recently stopped giving a toss (as much) about what other people think of my just by simply not trying to worry if I’m caring what people think about me too much. I’ve started to accept who I am and it’s helped me find people I like. Or maybe that’s not 100% true. I don’t think I really know exactly who I am yet but I’m enjoying the journey of growing my interests and finding my way back to my self. Also who I want to be. 

I like: coconuts, laundry, documentaries, wearing heels, working out, music, creams, love, babies, comedy, hugs, crying, massages, reading, pianos, walking, classes, weed, kisses, my hand being held, rice, clean teeth, my soft body, candles, lavender, the sun, beaches, being above the clouds, sushi dinners, sleep hypnosis youtube videos

I don’t like: stress, being undervalued, messy room, dirty dishes, bad smells, angry people, messing up a recipe, bad dreams

I like my sleep hypnosis videos. I’m not actually technically at my quarter life. I’m 24, but in November I will be 25. I’m hoping life looks quite different. Or no I’m hoping I’m putting my energy into other things. I guess I could start doing that today. Just decide to put my energy into other things? Am I afraid of losing control? Absolutely. I think it might be just a big part of who I am. I can surrender in music. It’s safe there. All the pain and the confusion gets transformed into the light joy in the world. Those aren’t my words, Olivia Rodrigo said that but she’s pretty spot on. 

My body feels incredible after exercising, being in the sun and having a shower. No reason I can’t try to do that more often. 

I loved going to the Boulder Bookstore with E! I really do love him. Wow. And recently I accepted that he really does love me too. We love all of each other. That feels really special. I feel free and he feels safe. I feel taken care of but also like I’m having fun. I feel so thankful every time I think about our relationship. It makes me feel rich and proud. I love everything about him.

I think I’m close to making enough money to where I can send a bottle of something nice to my mechanic. I want to give gifts to all the people who helped me this whole time. I think it’s classy. I also feel in debt because I owe so much to my friends who I’ve been able to call when I’ve been sad, people who gave me advice and made me feel not a lone in my career, my family, my boyfriend I mean man there’s so many people. I hope I can repay everyone. I know I will. 

This was nice to do. I hope I do it more often. 

I wonder who I wrote my Daniella entry about? 

[wendohla-blog]

daniella

I think you shifted something in me and didn’t tell me how to take care of it. I didn’t want love and I didn’t have love. Not good love. There was something alien and uncomfortable about good love. Something I didn’t trust. You told me I needed it. You told me that I needed to change. I thought I did. Here I am 4 years later and something is still missing. You encouraged that first love. That first good real love that vanished from me after I learnt how to stand on my own. He made me uncomfortable and I left. I left and I liked it. I love leaving. I miss parts of the upside down version of me. At least I could see clearly and live cleverly. Now I’m blinded by this quest for love. Always comes back to the love. I’m obsessed with it. It felt so good. Fleeting love that only lasts for the night, for a moment. I wasted time on love that I was looking for. And now I need to do right by him. He’s a good love. I want him, all of him.