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[wensew]

The Long Way Home

So a friend sent me a picture the other day from my year abroad as an exchange student. The picture stopped me dead in my tracks. And not in a good way. It was me. But it didn’t look like me. I’ll explain.

When I was 18 I lacked a true identity. Being the third born son out of four, the two older brothers were stairsteps, and my little brother is ten years younger than me. So my dad suggested I become an exchange student since he was in Rotary and I didn’t know what to do next. It wasn’t that I was bad or problematic or anything, I just had two older brothers that were in college and thriving and it was like, “well, what do I do?“. How do I fit into this equation? And yes, even what do I bring to the table? Looking back I was very backwards and shy and introverted in a lot of ways. But in many ways I was also hiding behind my family. I think I had a big personality (and still do) but was afraid to show the real me. For fear of screwing up or rocking the boat, or ruining things for everybody else, I kept silent and didn’t make any mistakes. But under that was a wonderful boy who had so much to offer, but wouldn’t truly come out of my shell.

It was the summer of 99. I had just got back from a senior trip to Cancun, Mexico, and a church trip to Mountain T.O.P. . My brother Ben, noticed that I was down in the dumps on a trip to Tullahoma to Granny Fish’s catfish restaurant. It being a long drive from where I am from, McMinnville, we rode together and I was telling him about my girlfriend. I was a very serious and deep thinker all my life. I remember at age thirteen, my favorite Beatles song was “Yesterday”, as I reminisced about youth, not understanding the irony until much later. Point being, I felt heavy. I felt depressed. So, he decided to invite me to a concert at Starwood ampitheater in Nashville.

It was a Phish concert. I had never done psychadelics at that time, I was a partyer in high school. I drank on weekends and hid behind a beer bottle to mask my true self. Which was an afraid, insecure little kid dying to be popular and wanting to be liked, fit in, and maybe have some fun and learn a few things along the way. But I was never the “problem child". Just a good kid who never found his footing. Never found what made me truly happy and sparked me, or motivated me. Because I hated myself.

That day I found a good friend to ride up to Nashville with me. I remember on the way up there feeling such low self esteem to the point where I would pretend I was different people to make it through the drive on the interstate. I believe that is called cognitive personality disorder or something like that. Basically it just means you don’t believe in yourself enough so you pretend to be someone else or multiple others, to make it through times of anxiety or stress. I had a huge inferiority complex back then. Never realizing how much I had to give. So I drove up there going in and out of different personalities. Basically not hurting anyone and just being a non driver on the interstate. But not being an aggressive driver, or a bad driver, just a non driver. I remember the personalities I tried in at that time were my girlfriend, my older brother, F Scott Fitzgerald, because I saw a special on him on television and wanted to be him, and Ben what’s his name the Australian singer. He was on politically incorrect with Bill Maher one night talking about a band called the Frogs, and made a line from one of their songs which says Adam and Eve Adam and Steve who’s right and who’s wrong? So anyway we made it to Starwood and this guy with baggy cargo pant shorts and a red beard sold us some shrooms in the parking lot. He was shorter, probably 5'3 and roundish to the ground. And walked with a sort of fun, happy gait. I even believed he had a big dog with him, a big black one on a leash. And he pulled the shrooms out of his big cargo pants pockets. In the grassy parking lot with some dirt and mud mixed in on a hot summer say at the end of June in middle Tennessee summer of 1999. I had just graduated. There was a special about Bob Dylan I remember that was always on that summer and watching it repeatedly as I lived my life and everyone else did, wanting to give it all my attention but not being able to because we had so much else going on. But their was a woman, an English woman, who said in the summer of 69 she thought the world was going to get bombed or have a nuclear war, and they were all going to die. Being on the eve of a new century I felt that way too. Like something bad was going to happen and we were all going to die or have some bad fallout.

So we get the shrooms from the sweaty young red headed guy, probably a student at mtsu. And go to the gate where we notice everybody is lined up. I not knowing what to do just wanting to make a big impression in some way was trying to win the crowd over, whatever the hell that means. Just wanting to be loved and the center of attention I guess. Me in my Dead Milkmen shirt I wore everywhere I wen hoping to strike up a talk with it or to disdainfully show I was cooler than whoever was around.

And then I see this really bearded long haired hippy which wasn’t out of the ordinary that day since it was a Phish concert. But something he was wearing caught my eye. It was a white t shirt with the Pickapeppa sauce logo on it. I knew this because I loved that shirt and had stolen it from my oldest brother earlier that spring and wore it in hopes someone would think I was cool. Somehow Ben had got it and was the hippy standing in front of me. We recognized each other and he Sean and I all felt that fire you feel when you meet an old friend in a new place, we were excited and spoke and smiled and laughed and entered the ampitheater.

The day rolled on I remember at first feeling very out of place. I ate the shrooms and fellt the affects a little after a couple of hours. We sat up on the grassy hill near the top with Ben’s good friends from college. He had joined a fraternity his freshmen year at ut Knoxville because my oldest brother joined when he was a freshman at UT also. It was Kappa Alpha Order or KA for short. It was strange though because both personalities of their freshmen pledge classes seemed to match their personalities also. Like Wills was all responsible and straight laced and Ben’s was like pot smokers and super relaxed. I really enjoyed Ben’s friends. Even though I didn’t know how to act around them because I was raised in a Podunk, small hick town and had no clue about their background except I knew it was different from mine. Big time. They were all super wealthy, went to private schools in high school, spoke different, dressed different it was different worlds. Yet only 45 miles away. But they were nice to me and made me feel at home so I really liked them.

As the night rolled on the band took an intermission, and we decided to all go to the bathroom, the mushrooms started to work. I remember going to the bathroom and for the first time in my life I was buzzed like I was fourteen and gotten drunk for the first time.

[wensew]

A knee jerk reaction, to side with Dems is not the answer. To side with anybody really is never the answer. I don't say this for everyone. But I need to see it written down, to avoid a crazy mob mentality personality.

I don't understand the repercussions of the vote in Virginia. I read something that said if Repubs win, it will say the Trump attitude will spread. If Dems win then it will send a message that that behavior is not right.

I don't see how that can totally shape people's behavior. I mean their are so many logistics involved. How can you pin it all on this candidate or that one? Meaning the whole thing will change based off that. Sounds like a whole lot if pressure to put on two candidates. And putting all eggs in one basket?

[wensew]

I just read an article on masculinity and how the feminization of the home is ruining children's lives. My reply to the author would be... A. You're a homo. B. Does he not realize that aggression and violence and being a “man" is what leads to bullying and kids like the ones at Columbine to prove their masculinity by shooting guns and killing other teenagers? Then he went on to talk about the snowflake generation and all that bullshit. Which my reply would be A. It's not a generational thing but a personality type that makes someone need to be an individual. B. I'm a proud flakey motherfucker. I'm tired of people frowning on individualism. It's not a bad thing to me, and they can go fuck themselves if they think being the best you you can be and feeling good about it is a bad thing. Not all of us are masculine. There is no reason to teach masculinity to boys that don't fit the mold. However, I would agree if a boy is masculine you shouldn't mute that behavior but teach him how to do it responsibly. But I am not masculine. Always been a pussy. And I'm alright with that. And to force a behavior on someone that doesn't gravitate towards it is wrong and will cause more dysfunction than good.

[wensew]

Spinning us right round.

It seems the Repubs are at it again. It’s on spin cycle. And they want you to question your questioning of authority. It is always some bullshit like that, isn’t it? Some notion that they are making everyone more open-minded by focusing on their bs point of view just as much as on every other point of view out there, and ultimately choosing their side as “right" in the end. It is manipulative seed planting. And I might have bought all this bs if anybody but Trump had been elected but he did get elected. And this liar represents them. So it throws all their credibility out the window when they claim they are the party of “compassion" or “integrity". The man is full of shit. Which makes them full of shit for electing him and defending him.

Let’s just pretend Trump went the route of running as a Democrat or an independent, the Republicans would have slaughtered him and called for his impeachment, just as they did for Clinton’s. So to me it isn’t right to support a party that flip flops on the important issues of morals and integrity so flimsily.

[wensew]

Spinning us right round.

It seems the Repubs are at it again. It's on spin cycle. And they want you to question your questioning of authority. It is always some bullshit like that, isn't it? Some notion that they are making everyone more open-minded by focusing on their bs point of view just as much as on every other point of view out there, and ultimately choosing their side as “right" in the end. It is manipulative seed planting. And I might have bought all this bs if anybody but Trump had been elected but he did get elected. And this liar represents them. So it throws all their credibility out the window when they claim they are the party of “compassion" or “integrity". The man is full of shit. Which makes them full of shit for electing him and defending him. Let's just pretend Trump went the route of running as a Democrat or an independent, the Republicans would have slaughtered him and called for his impeachment, just as they did for Clinton's. So to me it isn't right to support a party that flip flops on the important issues of morals and integrity so flimsily.

[wensew]

[wensew]

“Building a Wall": Teaching Our Children the Fundamentals of Discrimination in 2017; A Beginner's Guide.

So I saw Sundays paper for my local newspaper, the Southern Standard, I was sickened by the image I saw accompanied by the headline. It read; “Building a wall", with a picture of white children playing on playground equipment that, was a climbing wall, that also resembled, by the angle, a giant elephant. What are they trying to accomplish with this headline and picture combination? To offend? They certainly accomplished that. Or is it just an accident? If so, pretty thoughtless and dumb.

As a person living in the middle part of Tennessee, I have noticed a shift in a Democratic Middle Tennessee, to what it is now which is basically steadily more Conservative. The drive from McMinnville to Nashville is littered with guns and ammo supply billboard advertisements, but done in an almost yuppie or trendy type of way. The worst one I remember seeing was back in 2011, and the billboard said, “Ready for Whatever" with two men dressed in camo and holding what looked to be huge camouflage assault rifles. Which suggests a more Libertarian movement. But this did not exist until say roughly after the 2000 election, which through subversive language, Conservatives convinced many working class white families through a grass roots effort to become Republicans too.

It seems they have created a monster. Be careful what you wish for you might just get it. Is the saying which comes to mind. You have a violent backlash from 9-11 and the mass public shootings mixed with a lot of immature middle aged adults that put themselves first before everybody, and you get Trump as president in 2017.

And the Nashville paper, The Tennessean, has become decidedly more conservative over the years. As an observer, it feels as if they try sometimes to teach children the fundamentals of conservatism through the writings in the paper. And let their parents fill in the gaps for them. I remember one headline having an image of Santa Claus writing a list of dos and don'ts for children, one being not listening to rap music. Another something about Governor Haslam playfully saying he is good in one way or another.

Which leads to my next question. Is the Southern Standard mimicking The Tennessean? In a clumsy, bumbling sort of way and trying to teach the children in our county why a wall in Mexico is necessary?

If so, how sick. If not, what a dumb headline to put with that picture. Whether it was meant to stir up controversy or not, it is a definite sign of the times. Of what direction our country is heading. If done on purpose, it really shows how bad things have gotten. And the importance to resist this administration and the new Republicanism now more than ever.

[wensew]

Even though it echos the thoughts of the common man, it's worth mentioning again

I’m so sick of Trump’s cronies trying to pull the wool over America’s eyes. It’s bullshit. Yeah Obamacare is a disaster but that’s because it was sabotaged by a mostly Republican Congress, and now with Trump on the edge of stealing the presidency for real, they will try to repeal most everything else they can in that short window of time and say it is all like Obamacare. Which is probably obvious to most, but still it is worth writing down.

Look at these creeps that are behind Mike Pence in the picture of him and Paul Ryan, after they pushed to overturn the ACA they look so disengenuine and just downright shady.

It is horrible to think they might get away with this corrupt, not speaking for the people, agenda for the presidency.

It’s sick.

And really? Grooming Schwarzenegger and blurring the lines between entertainment and politics, what fucking dishonest asshole thought that idea up? It’s like a novel thought up by a bad writer.

I wouldn’t care if this election was won fair and square by a majority of Americans, and not just whatever happened in Wisconsin with the barely 27,000 votes that Trump won by in the WHOLE state. Not to mention Democratically reliable Ohio. But he doesn’t represent the voice of Americans. Nobody likes him.

Not that it matters, but I wouldn’t want to drink a beer with him not to mention spend time with him as a friend or any other thing like that. The dude’s terrible. And not that good of a businessman either.

But putting all his dislikeable traits aside, he still didn’t win the election really and doesn’t represent the voice of most Americans. It’s situations like this that make me take a bad person like Trump seriously. If he didn’t have power, I would just dismiss him, but he does have power. So I have to fear him and take him seriously.

[wensew]

Hope you and yours have a good new year! Elf, Iggy, and I will too:)

[wensew]

Quit Yer Bitching, I Mean Mine, My Bitching

Much like the Cranberries album that produced such songs as "Linger" and "Dreams" entitled, "Everybody else is doing it so why can't we?", it's tempting to act like a child in the wake of the loophole, in the minority, win of Trump. Because it kind of makes you lose hope in goodness and decency. And I must admit, although I regret it, I have been foolishly acting this way the past few weeks. I am sorry to say. But it is seriously not acceptable and I apologise to the world for my knee jerk giving up, hopeless attitude. But it is time for me personally to put away foolishness like that and truly take the higher ground. Not shit changed. We kept on having shitty weather. Lots of people who were famous passed away for no real explainable reason man made disasters happened in the Smokies very close to my geographic location. People kept doing stupid shit and nature was unforgiving in this terribly crazy time. But bottom line. I give a fuck. We can't give up. I'm sorry for being immature and acting out, but deep down I give too much of a fuck to stop acting like a good person. As crazy as this sounds, the last thing we need is to give ISIS one more reason to attack the US than me running around with my 'give a damn' busted. No it is time to rise above. To truly be the change I want to see in the world. I don't think Trump spoke or speaks for the majority of this country. I don't think it was a true victory. But I need to be a grown up and stop saying, if he can do it why can't I? It's not right.

[wensew]

Not in a hippie “I just dropped a cube of acid" kind of way, but we are too connected and interwoven as a world to simply “move” because of a Trump win. What do you think the rock you hide under in _______ will have less outside noise than the one in America? We have to accept that this will affect the world for a long time.

Also, probably stating the obvious here, but is anybody else sickened by the amount of hypocrisy in the last election win? It had nothing to do with morals. Is Melania Trump even Christian? And it doesn’t count if a conservative takes her aside holds her hands and prays with her in the coming days to make it seem like she has been all along. No this has nothing to do with Christian values and protecting the moral fiber of this country. It has to do with selfishness and people putting themselves first instead of the wants and needs of others.

With a Clinton win I thought we could shift our focus to where the problem really is which is with Isis. Help save civilian lives and have good relationships with the world. But now it seems like a truly Sodom and Gomorrah type future is in the works. With Trump as the figurehead of America, it is dangerous for our relationships with the rest of the world, because he isn’t decent. He lied at every turn to get elected, and was rewarded for it. He said horrible things about our military. That people with PTSD were “weak” and “just couldn’t handle it” yet he has never served in the military. He blamed others when the chips were down, saying the election was rigged. Instead of acting like a true champion and leader, he made up excuses whenever things weren’t going his way. Not to mention his cocky, arrogant, and overall bad attitude.

And with Duterte, Putin, and Trump as potential allies, all these ingredients together spell disaster for the rest of mankind. It is frightening. Terrifying. Sickening. I am so scared right now for the world. God be with us all.

[wensew]

Ok so I had this dream that someone had an intervention for me. And I was the only person normal in the dream. It was crazy because they were just trying to help. And I was trying to escape and something inside me told me to call myself from the dream to reality or from the from the present to the future and it would help save me. I was in this big house with many places to turn. But people were trying to stop me from getting away. They had a fish aquarium along the wall that was help make the wall, and it had exotic fish in it. They fried these blowfishes and odd shaped expensive pet fish for the intervention to eat. There was a small town good old boy judge or something like that was really southern. It kind of let me know that I was surrounded by corrupt people and needed to leave. I tried to escape but realized I was cut off then got the notion to call myself and the phone would ring and it would be me from the same spot but it let me know which direction to go.

[wensew]

No! No more! No more bad town!

I live in a small rural southern town. It is pretty terrible if you get into the nitty gritty of it. Crazy psychopathic rednecks can turn any good person into Alice Cooper’s “No More Mr. Nice Guy!” all day any day. But you can’t be a victim of it. Do not say “fuck it” and “join the crowd” because it makes you give up on humanity. There is a place out there for you and there are good friends for you. It is so crucial to remember that it does get better. And I know from first hand experience how harsh and cruel a community can be but we have to be the bigger person. And get out. As Bruce said “it’s so hard to be a saint in the city” but we have to rise above. I don’t know what’s right for me. I have lived here all my life and I know it could be worse, but realistically it could and should be so much better. And my community has always been a powder keg splitting at seams and could go off at any minute. But when every body joins in, and nobody is the voice of reason, we are just nightmare city. It can get so bad so quick so belligerent it is scary. I watched an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer tonight from 1998 when the country was in a stable place and the episode showed what would happen if Buffy never came to Sunnydale a la It’s A Wonderful Life and it showed this horrible alter reality where nobody gave a shit anymore because she wasn’t there to kill all the bad guys. And it really shook me as I saw these scenes as; that is how the world is today. With natural disasters and a general sense of I don’t give a fuck on the rise. We have to do something to get this place back in order. I have a responsibility, you have a responsibility, we all have a responsibility to get this world back together. Now more than ever. Because it is scary out there and it is almost in a nightmarish way. We have to get it together. I don’t know how but we do. This place is coming apart at the seams. It’s awful. So whatever it is you do to help do it. Don’t be a victim of a bad environment. Don’t give up don’t say “fuck it” keep on being the best you, you know how to be. We have to. It’s the only future we’ve got. I know this is a heavy post but it is true. We have to get things in order.

Title came from: Operation Ivy - Bad Town

[wensew]

That was then... and this.. well this is unfortunately now

This may seem redundant to a lot out there but it has upset me. I love the company amazon. Or lets say I used to. Before they started making their own products. It started off innocent enough. Products out there had some minor problems that Amazon seemed keen on fixing by making their own products. Starting with the Kindle. To me this was the tipping point so to speak. Ironically enough taken from the title of a book I researched on Amazon to see if said book was any good to buy as a present for my sister in law many years back. And I loved Amazon back then. I would spend hours reading online reviews of bands I liked. Educating myself on a world outside my small rural town in Middle Tennessee. In many ways it saved me. Or perhaps a better way to put it would be. The internet saved me. Or even better, people saved me through the internet, especially from sites like Amazon. And they did. And herein the problem lies. Amazon is so engrained in my life as a consumer, someone from a small rural southern town that didn't have access to a broader world that the internet provided for me and sites like Amazon showed me. That was back then and this... well this folks.. is now. Amazon has in short gotten too big for its britches. I do not like to say it but it is true. When you go to their website now what do you see? Not only the same tired ads for Amazon tablets but that damn iPhone wallet with the money sticking out. Which to me is a symbol of their greed and a constant reminder of how low they've sunk. After the Kindle came out little minor annoyances began to bother me. But they were so small I can't even remember them, so minute I didn't pay them attention. And then I did it. I saw an amazon product I liked and bought it! The fire tv box. After that purchase it confirmed to me what I'd already suspected had happened. This company had lost its conscience. Or rather the leader of the company, Jeff Bezos had. It is sad because they could be much more effective if he would have customers as his number one priority again instead of trying to make more money. Unfortunately he has just created a new advanced form of a product that has major flaws. My favorite little company has slowly dissolved into everything so many of us hated. A monster. A greedy, bloated version of its former self. But its not like we have to go to Amazon to buy our stuff online. Because of course the beautiful thing about the internet is that it is created by people. People that know right from wrong and are checked by others that know right from wrong if they get out of line. Bezos is scarily out of line and since it is just one guy it seems no one is there to check him.. A sad irony for a guy who helped implement the use of his online review rating system. Tsk tsk.

[wensew]

Okcupid rough draft: online dating. The problem with online dating is very much like in real life. When you finally find somebody you really like, you stop trying to impress them, trusting that if they are the one that you think they are, then when you write something like "hey I like you" doesn't seem like a horrible message.

[wensew]

Dream 9/15/14

So I wanted to talk about this dream I had. It was kind of grandiose. Which is a pain in the ass because I am a perfectionist and want to give every detail I can. I will try my best. And it is also a bit of tough subject matter, so be aware. Also this is a very rough draft. So bear with me.

These kids were walking up the side of a house, and it turns out somebody in the house had captured some kids, it was a two story house, with kind of a bell shaped roof, where the roof meets the ceiling, and it was navy, and sort of old and went up three stories high. The guy was a pedophile, he had captured these kids, and the other kids must have saw through the window. They ran to the other adults, but they were too selfish to notice, too wrapped up in their own violence and "end of the world scenarios". One guy walked up to a shop and hammered another guys finger into a low lying board, which suggested they were looking to some end of the world scenario, and were fighting against each other, not helping, so the kids realized they were sort of on their own. 

Dreams can be funny. I am not sure about the next details except that the kids wanted to stop the child molester from hurting any more kids. But there was like this apocalyptic notion in the air. everybody was worried the end of the world was coming and therefore, was creating the end of the world in a large group effort. They moved into this area of a small town/city, it was a building about the size of a parking garage, and the kids were up on a hill. They launched these like bricks, from the leverage of of these little machines, the same principle of how you use the hammer at the fair to ring the bell, hundreds of these bricks all left at once to smash in the building across the street from the hill the kids were on. They used balloons, yellow large, helium filled balloons, I remembered how would they make it go all the way to the buildings? And then the balloons appeared just after they reached there peak in the sky to make them go the rest of the way to get there and the building sort of blew up with hundreds of these large bricks carried by balloons, that didn't launch until they arched in the air, and smashed into the building all 

Once this happened there was lots of loud cheering, it was a sight. and then the bricks had explosives on them, and blew up the building. the kids went and searched through the rubble. They were hurt. There was lots of hurt kids and adults. Then the dream went in the building,There were holes in the floor, and kids all around the place, laying hurt by the destruction. Then one kid, by the hole in one of the levels of the building, found a razor, and for whatever reason, was covered in strings, tangled in strings from the ceiling and all over the place as well as all the rest of them. He started cutting himself free as he sang a song, the rest joined in as they freed themselves from the the mess they were in. They realized it was over, the fear left, and as they sang and picked up the pieces and cut themselves free from the strings with the razors and whatever other sharp objects they could free themselves with, that it was over, and cautiously, they would be alright.

[wensew]

Creative Writing: piece about youth

I am going to write about an even that happened in my childhood. As just sort of a creative writing exercise. I hope y'all like it. here goes. (Microphone gives feedback) 

One of my buddies taught it to us. He called it the "flying squirrel". It was a type of dive we did off the diving board at summer camp. You put your feet behind your hands, kind of like a "w", and went in head first, with your head down so you didn't slap your face against the surface of the water. You trusted that it wouldn't hurt, and it didn't. By the name alone you wanted to emulate what you imagined it to be, and turn it into a sort of reality.  Our counselor stood near the edge of the concrete to the right of the diving board if you are looking at the pool from the board, and was, amazed at how talented and good we were at this. He kept telling us he'd never seen a group as talented at that as us.  I never tried to outdo anybody, and as far as I know nobody tried to outdo me. We just did it for the feeling. Getting higher and higher, becoming more graceful as we dove with our heads into the water. Interspersing flips and jackknives in between.  

We left camp soon after. On the way home I told my mom about the experiences I had, still riding the high from the things we experienced earlier that week. My 2nd oldest brother also went to camp that week. I told them this and that excitedly and rushed, "Walking to our cabin was a PAIN!" I remember saying. "Why do you say everything is a pain?", he said along with a few other similar comments. By the time we left the parking lot of camp, I had been fully deflated, not really understanding why, but I fell in line like an obedient child.