wh-thestral - Tumblr blog

[wh-thestral]

September

Chris said he faked all those feelings for me. He acted for 5 months. He didn't love me. It broke me.

We aren't together and I have broken heart

[wh-thestral]

May

Okay many things have changed for good.

After last party there was another one week after. I also spend most of the time with Chris. He walked me home after, and everything was just so good.

Then he asked me to meet him, and I was all up for this. He said he know that i liked him, and he wants to try with me.

I stared at him in disbelieve. Then we kissed.

So me and Chris are together ❤.

[wh-thestral]

About Party last time. It was very good. I haven't seen all of my friends since Halloween.

And also Chris. He is so handsome.

I was with Izzy and we had so much fun. It was better to stop thinking about my argument with mom.

Chris gave me his hoodie and we talked almost all the time. When I was cold he gave me also his jacket. I loved it. Also i sat on his laps z because there was little to no space for everyone. My heart almost stopped. Then we went out to catch a fresh air, and we talked. It's so easy to talk to him. I fell hard for him.

Also to my shook Izzy and Felix started talking and even he kissed her. I didn't feel bitter at all, so it means it was silly crush on him. I told Izzy to shot her chance and they maybe in some time will develop deeper feelings. I hope she will be happy with him. He's a good man, i see him as brother. Izzy is for me like sister.

I told Izzy about my self harm. It was hard and we both cried. I though that she will left me. But she stayed and promise that she will try ro help me and that I can talk with her when I want yo do this.

She's my best friend.

[wh-thestral]

Some things happened.

I argued with my mom about party I was at last Wednesday . All of my friends come back here and its rare things, because everyone is at universities far away. She wanted me to stay home because of Easter week. There isn't a thing such as big Wednesday. And my brother can go out, and I can't in her logic that day. She didn't make any comments about him. She's only mad at my. She said she is disappointed in me. And we don't talk. I don't want to see her. She makes me fell like I'm nit enough. She always says that I should make something better, there isn't anything that I do right. Also my life's choices aren't good enough for her. Like me wanting to get a job - bad. Breaking up with Harry - bad. She wants me to get Bach with him because he was intelligent and he could make me better.

I feel like disappointment all of the time. Complete failure.

[wh-thestral]

I text sometimes with Chris and I really like him.

I knew from mutual friend that talked with Chris that he likes me and he wants to know me better. But he wants to take his time and do everything slow.

It's the best news. I also want to do everything slow because I did things too fast with Harry and it wasn't good.

So I have a chance and I can't loose it.

[wh-thestral]

My life is complicated

I was at a party on Saturday and I stayed in Chris's home for night. We drank, play games danced together, and we went to sleep in his bed.

Looking at his face in morning was one of the best things in world. We slept so close.

I'm really deep into falling for him.

But I don't know if he sees something more than friends in us. I really hope that we will be together.

Our mutual friends also want make us be together, maybe with their help something will happen.

Time with him alone was amazing, he's very good and emotional person. I like him.

Really

[wh-thestral]

Our break up with Harry wasn't the worst. We are friends now.

It's better this way than feel so much better.

I yesterday met with my friends- Annie, her bf and Chris.

It was so much fun. After playing games Chris walked me home - 10km in cold night. And we talked the whole time. I fell really hard for him.

He's charming, handsome and totally my type.

[wh-thestral]

I feel so bad with myself.

Tomorrow is a break up day. I'm very nervous. I know it's right decision. There's no future for us when I love Chris. I hope Harry will get over this soon.

Mentally I'm unstable. I need alco before tomorrow. I can't do it sober.

My head, heart hurts.

I hope he won't do anything to himself.

I hate myself for making him fall for me.

[wh-thestral]

I'm thinking now -

When I fall for Felix I felt warm, butterflies in stomach, I was waiting for message.

For Chris - is so easy ro talk to him, I'm waiting for messages, I feel happy when i see him. Butterflies, when I was his face when he was still asleep - he was so beautifull.

And when I'm with Harry I don't feel anything romantic. It's more like hanging out with Annie and Izzy. When he textes me I don't want to respond.

Love is hard.

[wh-thestral]

I have finally made a decision.

I will broke up with Harry on 31th march. That's final.

Then I will confess Chris everything.

Maybe it's bad idea, but I don't want regret anything in life.

It's only 39 days left, and 5 dates. I will go on.

Only one thing can change my mind - if Chris find a girlfriend. This is only scenario when i won't break up.

I feel a little shitty about it but, I guess I have to act.

My life is like a TV drama, but I have made it clear - I don't love him, I see him as a friend.

I know my psyche is in bad state, I relapsed but I'm 7 days clean from sh.

I know that I will cut, but after 9th of March (tattoo session on my right side of hips) I always cut on left but I don't want to make anyone suspicious.

Sometimes I wish that I will don't feel anything, but that state I think is so much worse.

Bye

(It's still february)

[wh-thestral]

I messed up. A lot.

I thought that I don't like Chris, but I was wrong. I was at a party and only we didn't want to sleep. We talked till 7 in the morning and we fall asleep together.

Looking at his face when I first woke up was too good. I wanted to take a pic.

I'm so lost.

I like Harry but I think as a friend. I think I'll give him a month or so to make me love him. Then If it didn't work I just broke up.

Then I will confess to Chris. If he reject me I will feel better knowing that I didn't hesitate.

I feel a little bad for Harry, but we're young, he will find somebody. And he wants to study in town that's 400km away from my town. It's too much. I don't want to move out.

[wh-thestral]

Well

Me and Harry are now together. It's so confusing.

When he asked me I said yes, but I almost immediately regret it. I just don't know if it's right.

I kinda feel bad for him. I see that he loves me more than I like him.

Maybe I should try being in relationship.

[wh-thestral]

I was on a date with Harry. He's so nice and he fell for me. He told me that.

Time with him helped me and I was kinda happy.

He asked me out on next Saturday, we will go to eat out.

Maybe something will come out of this.

And mental health update : it bad, but I try to not harm myself. But I don't know about today.

I feel shitty and all the time my head hurts so bad. I also have bad thoughts.

I hope I'll get better soon.

[wh-thestral]

I relapsed.

From Eating disorder to self harming.

I can't sleep at night. Insomnia is back

Suicide thoughts are back

I feel so weak

I'm venting now so please don't read if it triggers you - I don't want for responsible for your cuts.

Tw....

I was feeling really bad yesterday. In the night it hited me the most. I couldn't stop thinking about harming myself. I tried to read fanfic to distract myself but as the time went by it got worse. I was laying in bed starring at my white ceiling. I gave up.

I made a few new cuts on my leg. I cried.

I was clean for 196 days.

Also I almost vomited. I felt and now feel bad.

Yesterday binge didn't help. I'm back to starving.

I want to smoke. I can't stop thinking about destroying myself.

For context I'm 19 this year.

[wh-thestral]

February

Hah I'm so stupid. I was thinking that Chris likes me. Big mistake.

He likes another girl and it hurts.

But to stop thinking about it I'm going tomorrow for a date with Harry. His my classmate and I like him as a friend. Maybe I should give him a chance ?

I don't feel anything more than platonic towards him. But maybe it will help me with forgetting about broken heart for now.

[wh-thestral]

i feel nothing and everything all at the same time.

[wh-thestral]

January 2022 :

I haven't seen my friends because I was sick but Chris was texting me. My friend Annie and Felix told me that I and Chris will be good pair.

Later this month Annie and her boyfriend, Izzy and her boyfriend and Me and Chris go to party (more like triple date to drinks). I hope something will come put of this.

I know that there's no girl that likes him, and he also don't have any crush.

Maybe he will fall for me ?