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what-dat-ritalin-do · 1 year ago

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Tuesday, 21st Nov 2023

12:58 PM

A bit of a late start again today. I woke up early and managed to go out for breakfast with my family. At around 8:30 AM my breakfast was as follows:

Hor Fun noodle soup with shredded chicken

A glass of iced Ipoh White Coffee

Ondeh-ondeh

I sort of goofed off for a bit before finally showering and getting dressed for the day. I took my medication about 10 minutes ago so it should have started to take effect by the time I’m writing this entry.

It has been about 12 days since I last took medication. Partially because of the holiday period, and also because of some other reasons. I think I was a bit hesitant to take it after the last two times because of the jarring reactions. For one thing, the experiences themselves were jarring enough�� one moment I’m in complete control of my body (noticeably more than I usually am), and the next I lose all control of it to the point where I can’t even lift my body out of its stationary position. Then there’s comparing the experiences together. In attempt #1 I was fluctuating between flurry and clear states, in attempt #2 I blacked out entirely before being awarded one hour of uninterrupted lucidity.

I kept on trying to accommodate these reactions and it became a big obstacle. It became a big 4-hour block I was trying to fit into my already erratic schedule. I couldn’t even fit 1-2 hour errands (accounting for the amount of time it takes for me to get dressed, travel, and actually run the errands) into my day. Trying to fit in a whole 4-hour block of potentially feeling possessed was just impossible.

I managed to recollect myself and readjust my perspective: I’m going to see how the medication reacts with my therapy sessions. I had originally planned not to take medication on the days of my sessions, especially after attempt #1 because I was afraid I’d have such a bad reaction, I’d miss them. But this time around, I wondered if I would behave differently if I was medicated. This is how I “convinced myself” to take the medication.

The last hour of the 4-hour active block seems to be the most stable so I’m going to try (*) to see if it’ll affect my sessions.

4:19 PM

I’m done with therapy and I’m currently writing from the building’s parking lot so my girlfriend can pick me up (is it relevant to mention I’m gay?). She might come at any moment so my writing may suddenly cut off.

The effects should be steadily wearing off soon and I’m feeling jittery and dizzy. Perhaps because I talked a lot during my session. I remember speaking at a slightly faster pace today, but I think I tripped over my words a lot too because it felt like my thoughts were moving faster than my mouth was. I haven’t eaten since 8:30AM so maybe I need to eat something. I’ll be running errands with my girlfriend for a bit so I’ll grab something to eat then.

While I was writing the last paragraph from my first check in of today, I experienced a sudden numbness in my wrist and palm. This occurred at the (*) symbol. This was preceded by an abrupt heaviness in my head. I almost face-planted onto my desk and my body felt limp. It didn’t last very long, maybe less than 5 minutes. When I came to, I felt a stiffness in my hand. I had planned to write more, but I found it hard to hold a pencil. It wasn’t, however, difficult for me to type. I was in the mood to communicate something and I was able to type, so I decided to do something I’ve been meaning to do for a couple of weeks now: Open up a blog and type out all these journal entries so it’s easier for anyone who’s interested to keep up.

My girlfriend is here so I’ll be continuing this entry after being able to walk around and have something to eat.

6:52 PM

I’m back and my head is still slightly dizzy, but I’m feeling a lot better. I had a small chicken wrap and some iced tea after doing some shopping around a local mall. I got a minimal amount of physical activity and some carbs from the sugar in the sweet tea and the wrap so I have some energy to continue typing this entry.

Yes, typing. I didn’t have too much trouble writing the previous check-in in my journal, but now that I’m home, for some reason my wrist feels very heavy so this final check-in of the day will be typed. I’m not sure why this is happening. After mentioning it during my session, S suggested it might be because my dosage is too high. I had the same hunch, but we both agreed I shouldn’t change anything until I get to see Dr. J again on the 29th.

I feel the effects, wearing off. My mind is slowing down.

I remember my thoughts moving very fast when I was in today’s session. I had mentioned in previous sessions (before we even concluded a diagnosis) that my brain felt like a busy central station. I had many “trains of thought” going off at the same time and it was difficult to address them all at the same time. I’d get so overwhelmed that I couldn’t fit all of these differing (sometimes conflicting) “conversations” into my head, I’d get overwhelmed and reach an impasse where I just get catatonic.

But on medication– particularly in my most lucid hour– it was like being on one singular train track, steadily chugging along at a fast pace. I wasn’t a terminal where many thoughts converged and I had to divide my attention to satisfy all of them. I was just “riding” one state of mind where I was not only dynamic (as opposed to stationary), I was moving in one stable direction.

The next challenge is being able to point myself in the “right” direction. I have the energy and motivation to move. I want to move and do something, but I can’t seem to do what I’m supposed to do. I’m supposed to be doing research for my final year thesis (something I’ve been struggling to do for three years and is largely the focus of even why I was looking for a diagnosis), but I just don’t want to.

I don’t want to do it.

That sentence was so hard for me to say because of how much weight it carried. Money for one thing. It’s not cheap to re-do a thesis, let alone three times. There’s a lot of guilt in it. A lot of baggage. But it was so easy to say it out loud in the therapy room today when I was medicated.

The weight wasn’t there when I said it. I could just say it out loud– multiple times even. I didn’t feel like I had to “earn” the right to say it. My thinking behind that decision was simple:

I don’t want to do my thesis -> I want to know why -> I’ll tell my therapist about it -> We’ll confront it together and get to the bottom of it.

It seems so logical doesn’t it? It seems so straightforward? So why did it take me three years to be able to do this?

Being on medication is really amazing in a terrible sort of way.

I had discussed in a previous session with S that I was afraid of feeling like my life was ��stolen” from me because I didn’t find out I had ADHD sooner. That if I had gotten medication–or any kind of treatment at all– I might have been more successful. I might have graduated “on time” with good results. I might have had multiple certifications. There was an endless sea of wasted potential and broken possibilities because I couldn’t sit down and focus on one thing at a time.

Perhaps I’ll go into that in another entry. This one is long enough already. The conclusion we came to in that session is that we can’t change the past, but we can change the future. Now, I have a diagnosis (that I worked very hard to get), medication, and a structured treatment plan.

In fact we discussed part of the plan today! I’m writing down my “therapy homework” for today so I can have some accountability:

With CBT, we want to tackle that “I don’t want to do my thesis” thought by challenging the rationales that make it up. For example, currently my brain is like this:

Thought: I don’t want to do my thesis because I will not be able to complete reading and understanding one article in one hour”

Behaviour: I avoid doing any reading.

Feelings: I feel guilty I didn’t do any work even though I had time to do it. It makes me lose confidence and feel like I’m incompetent.

In order to change the rationale behind this thought, I have to challenge it. I’m not terrible at research and I know I genuinely like and enjoy psychology. That’s the whole reason this blog exists!

So I guess S decided to leverage on that and turn my homework into a little “data collection” activity. I’ll become my own experiment:

Aim: To systematically challenge thoughts that precede maladaptive behaviors

Statement to Disprove (Thought): I am unable to read and understand an article in one hour.

Method: Choose a day, take Ritalin, and read a “doable” article

Record Findings: - Record thoughts and feelings (perhaps via a mood tracker) throughout the activity. - Be aware I may not get it right the first time. It’s not about “getting it right”, it’s about doing the activity.

That should be enough for this very loooong entry. I’ll hopefully update tomorrow!

#med mode

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what-dat-ritalin-do · 1 year ago

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#2 (Originally Recorded 9th November, 2023)

Thursday, 9th Nov 2023

2:35 PM

Late start today. I just took my medication. I took it with the following meal:

creamy pesto pasta

pan fried chicken breast

chocolate cake ball

I washed down the meds with cinnamon water (warm water with a cinnamon stick inside). I got a little concerned about my chest pains from yesterday and I remember reading that cinnamon helps with blood pressure. Hopefully, taking cinnamon regularly will help mitigate the discomfort.

Successful self-management doesn't happen overnight. Evidently. despite getting excited about my newfound self-control, the excitement wasn't enough to get me out of bed until around 12:30 PM. I found myself reluctant to take my medication. Maybe because it means the day is starting and I just didn't wat to start it.

It has been around 15 minutes since I took the medication and I'm starting to feel dizzy. And sleepy.

I suppose this is the "Flurry" state I mentioned yesterday.

I planned to share some insights about my family (particularly my older brother, Kari) when I shared my diagnosis and treatment last night at dinner. However, it's getting challenging to hold a pencil. I will continue in my next entry.

11:06 PM

I got heavily side-tracked by about 6 PM and that's why I updated so late.

So I ended up passing out for the majority of the medication's active period. Instead of oscillating between "Flurry" and "Clear" states, I felt an immense, heaviness weighing me down. I was switching between being "stuck in a whirlpool" and just barely floating above the surface. I thought I could take advantage of the "Clear" states and get some reading done, but the most I could do was shakily read aloud one paper's theoretical framework before I collapsed and fell asleep.

When I woke up, I felt hungry. This was strange because I was supposed to have an hour left of the medicine's effect. Rather than just hungry though, I felt like I wanted to bake something. I found a simple recipe and just got up and went downstairs.

I know it sounds perfectly logical and uneventful:

Think of an action -> Execute

But I haven't been able to do this in about two years! I used to bake a lot back in 2020 when I was at my lowest because I needed a tactile hobby and sweets comforted me. After I started to have severe problems in self-management and academics, I couldn't find baking enjoyable anymore and I lost motivation.

For the past two years, I have gotten too caught up in not being able to decide what I want to do and what I should be doing. This time I didn't have a problem at all! It was so easy! I just thought of making cookies and my body followed through! Within half an hour, I had them baking in the oven!

Does that count as an impulsive decision? Maybe. If it does, then it's been bad, I can't even direct my energy enough to be impulsive!

I didn't manage to finish the paper. I did have thoughts buzzing around from it, though. So for the last half hour of the medicine's effects, I was talking about the topic with my sister. It's a topic I'm genuinely interested in so I know I didn't pass out from boredom: The differences in Anglophone and Sinophone audiences in regards to homoerotic incest fiction. It's literally about ugly little weirdos like me who have super niche interests. There's no way I passed out because I was bored.

It got me thinking about BL and its female community and how it might relate to psychodynamics. Words like "fantasy" and "delusion" get thrown around a lot in BL circles but I think there's a genuine reason to believe it would be used as a tool since the BL community itself started out as women bonding over transgressive fiction.

I'm going off tangent.

To sum it up, I think I handled the medication a bit better this time. I was passed out for a good portion of it, sure, but I didn't feel the chest pains when it wore off. I felt fine. Yesterday, I felt like I'd been hung out to dry for a few hours after the active period. Hopefully, tomorrow, I'll adjust better.

#med mode

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what-dat-ritalin-do · 1 year ago

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Glossary and Other Things (will be updated as needed)

"Characters"

People in my life who I might mention. Names will be changed to maintain anonymity. Descriptions are to flesh out my case, and provide some relevant background information.

S (he/him): My clinical psychologist. He helped me get my diagnosis after about 14 sessions. We meet regularly, every week on Tuesday evenings.

Dr. J (he/him): My psychiatrist. He confirmed S's diagnosis and is in charge of managing my prescription.

Gold (all pronouns): My younger sister; 23 years old. Was diagnosed with ADHD at the end of high school She and I are very close. We spend most of our time talking about our shared interests and we go very deep into our conversations. At the moment, we are fixated on J-idols, an interest she's been independently nursing since she was 8 years old. This interest has influenced her life to the point where it affected her career choices. We're about 80-90% sure she's also autistic.

Ayd (he/him): My younger brother; 9 years old. Recently diagnosed with mild autism.

Kari (he/him): My older brother; 28 years old. Was assessed once at 8 years old and diagnosed with ADHD. No further treatment has been taken since.