whateveridontcarejustwork

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

My man says he loves me more than our son. Then gave me the reason why and it made me feel good. I don't feel the same though. I love my son more bc he needs me, wants to be around me, likes to hear my voice, wants only my hugs. I feel wanted and loved when he is around. Not so much when it's Connor. Connor doesn't seem to want to play games with me, walk with me, talk with me, fuck me, or even be around me. He rather take his walks without me and go to the gym. He would rather do what he wants to alone. I wish I was a priority to him at all. Outside of words. I wish I could feel loved by him but it's always just words. Never actions.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

I am all alone.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

I'm laying here bawling my eyes out. Sobbing. He can't even hug me. Just gonna try and ignore me and sleep. Cool. I'll remember this.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

I hate my life. I hate myself. I hate how hard I'm trying not to be like this. I'm 3 weeks post partum. I'm not ok. I thought my love for my son would be enough to make me want to stay. It's not. I want to run away.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

We are in bed right now and I don't even want to touch him. I'm scooting away.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

Ita not like he even hugs me. Holds me. I'm always the big spoon. I just want to feel loved.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

I have never been this depressed. Sure I've thought I'm ready to kill myself, but now I'm desperate for a plan. An effective plan so I can be free. The world would be better off without me. Arthur has Connor. He will be ok.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

I gave birth 3 weeks ago and have been really good mentally until this week. Pregnancy really puts your life on hold. I thought that after I'd be free to take care of myself again. No.

I keep communicating that I need time to do my eyebrows, see my sister, do just one thing for myself and feel good. It's being put off too much and I want nothing more than to die so I can be free.

Connor gets to go to the gym, go on walks. I have to stay with the baby because I am food. Yesterday I was gonna hang out with my sister and do my brows. I did not. Instead we did the errands Connor asked me to and I didn't even get to shower when I got back home. He had Arthur all day. I had to be out doing work basically, which fine....but I said...I texted I wanted to shower today.

I am still ugly, and now stinky..

I hate myself.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

I want to die.

I am unloved, unwanted, ugly, smelly, and starving.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

I will never play fire emblem ever again. I removed the data from my switch. I am at a point mentally where I want nothing to do with anything he does.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

I feel like shit and I don't even have my cats to like love on. I'm just here. Crying.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

Like was it really worth yelling at me? I couldn't couldn't apologize for saying too much bc I was literally too stunned to speak. Now I don't want to speak ever again tbh. I want to just hide. I can't do this. My heart is already sad and lonely all the time. Idk how to fix myself.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

I wish I could disappear. I didn't mean to make him mad. I know he probably doesn't hate me but it's so confusing. I can't tell if it's all my hormones from being so pregnant or mental illness. I'm just here. Lonely. Panicked. I just want to be ok.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

I wish I had my cats.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

So maybe I'm overreacting. I don't know but my feelings are hurt. I got yelled at. Specifically "I don't wanna hear that shit!". He could have just said "don't tell me" without yeyelling. Everytime we consume ANY media he is quick to spoil it with a trip to Google or Wikipedia. We have been playing fire emblem 3 houses and idk. I had seen no trailers or even knew what the game was about. I never played any in the series but it looked fun watching him play. So I make my own file and for a few days now I'm in my head like "why do I dislike Rhea." He plays a different house from me and has different experiences with her. So like idk. So this time I Google. All I say is "wow, if you had a millennium to get over trauma and you actively chose revenge over justice, yeah you're kind the bad guy here." And he snapped at me. I was just talking. I wasn't thinking. So now I'm in my room. Today has been hard bc I had to send my cats with my dad to Florida. I won't see them for a month and have been crying all day. I was relaxed. Thought I was just making conversation and he just yells at me. It's been 2 hrs and no apology. He has NEVER gotten mad at me like that before so like idk what to do.. I wanted to respond like "ok you don't have to yell." But I was too scared. I don't have many good experiences with men yelling at me and I kind of shut down. I haven't spoken since the altercation. Idk what to do so I'm gonna just sit here.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

I give birth in 2 weeks.

[whateveridontcarejustwork]

I feel guilty about how much sex is a vital part of any relationship I'm in. He finally touched me q couple days ago and thinks that solved the issue.. the issue being me not ever being touched bc I'm a fat ugly bitch now. The sex though was again all for him. Quick penitration and done. Nothing else. Nothing for me. So I was gonna maaterbate this morning but something is always bothering. Him. Or my cats. I'm starting to not enjoy him touching me platonically. Im starting to not even think about him for sex. I'm starting to separate myself. I hate it. I spend every day waiting. I can't explain myself to him anymore. I love him so much but I don't think he loves me as much as he says. There is no intimacy here for me.