whateveryouwantmetodoiwilldo - Tumblr blog

whateveryouwantmetodoiwilldo · 2 years ago

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whateveryouwantmetodoiwilldo · 2 years ago

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one of the best days with the best pappa, bunny, storys and nini routine

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whateveryouwantmetodoiwilldo · 2 years ago

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dylan, pappa, i don’t know if you’re reading this, or if you ever stumble on this account again but if you do then this is me, saying the bye bye that he was unable to get out because of all the sadness clouding his tiny mind and heart. because his anger to me for doing this to him felt to him so final that he couldn’t breathe good enough to even take in your comfort. it isn’t a forever bye bye like he said in his angered and saddened state clouded by his beating heart, it’s just a bye bye until christmas. though to a four year old boy that must feel like forever. it’s a bye bye until he turns five. a bye bye until the day that marks you spending a whole year together. a bye bye that is the hardest. i understand why he wasn’t able to do it because even i’m having an incredibly hard time typing and regulating myself amidst all the sobbing and panicking, the thoughts of how cruel i must be for doing this but also that i don’t think i could survive if i didn’t. a bye bye because i have to move on from all that is connected to this house and these feelings as it’s my time to fly to italy, because i have to get better and because i am going to. because i’m not going to mess up this opportunity, because i’m going to be a good person and because i never want to cause you an ounce of sadness again. but also because i have to, because my life is going to change weather i want it to or not, weather i’m ready for it or not. i’m going to take on the challenge and i’ve decided he isn’t going to do it with me. that it would be too much for him, that such a tiny boy couldn’t do it, not even with his pappa. and because he isn’t ready for that change, because he isn’t unselfish enough to live in the same body with me knowing that the change is going to happen. that it has to happen, for my health. for me to stay alive. it’s not his choice. and i know you think i’m unfair and was never kind enough to him but dylan i always tried. a bye bye because i’m currently deleting all the regression stuff off of my phone, because looking at it knowing i won’t have the safeness, the comfort and the happiest feelings of my life, until christmas breaks me in a way nothing else could. bunny is going to go away for a bit as well just like he is, i’m giving her for amelie to take care of until chrismas as to make sure i don’t mess something up on accident. to make sure that on christmas, he will return. because bunny will. as i won’t have any little stuff surrounding my life or my phone from this day forward i have made an effort to archive it all here, of course also as not to lose it forever but more importantly for another reason. when the missing and the crying and the depression gets too unbearable there’s a place to open up and look at: see all the happy. there was a lot of sad in his time being small and fragile and vulnerable but when i look back it doesn’t matter. it doesn’t matter the tantrums and anger and sadness and words left unsaid and fights left unresolved, sleepless nights that ended it tears. it matters the happy. it matters that you have healed him. in a way nothing has or ever will heal us again. it matters that you have single handedly as his pappa been the reason for the safest and most comforting support i’ve ever had or will ever have again in my entire life. for you being the reason we are recovering, not letting ourselves fall into traps of abusive people or stand by when we get mistreated. for you being the reason i can trust again, express myself again, dare to be me for the first time in my life and smile and giggle like i’m just a little kid who the world has never gotten the chance to hurt or damage. because when he’s with you is the only time i live in a bubble of safeness. where no one can touch me, where i’m never hit or yelled at and where i’m always made comfortable not just from outside but from inside too.

please choose to look at it the same. it’s all i ask of you, please look back and see the happy. don’t become sad because you can’t see him right now, become happy at knowing you will again. become happy because you see all the happy you had with him. because you met each other and because you helped each other heal, because you stuck by each other and because before you know you’ll have it all back. you’ll feel warm and fuzzy and safe with him in your arms just as he does in yours. and as you reflect back on all that happiness know that he is doing the same, that even when you aren’t together talking, giggling and telling stories you are together in your mind as well as his.