whatisthequestion

[whatisthequestion]

so i was trying to masturbate for a good ole dose of dopamine becuase a bitch has been dEPRESSED. i dont mean in like a haha how trendy way but in a i cant keep living like this or just keep living in general/

so i was pretty unsuccessful because suicidal thoughts can be such a buzzkill and i started to think about how much of my self worth was attached to other's approval of me or lack there of. this thought process was similar to what one might call "post nut clarity". just lacking the satisfaction of the nut and the post. i guess one can just refer to it as a frustrated "pro/mid masterbation epiphany" and i further realized that a hasty diagnosis i received about my mental health that i fervently denied was... making a lot of sense 4 years later.

let me explain. so i met a guy online his name is ronnie and he is a complete looney. full of energy and desperately lonely. he called me incessantly everyday and we would talk for hours, sometimes several times through out the day. i found that i had to teach him quite a bit about politics, systemic racial issues, identity politics and femininity. he is older than me and i usually would never waste my time teaching a grown man things he should already know but he was such a nice guy that i told myself that if he is willing to learn thats all that matters. i belittled the standards i uphold for the people i let into my life. and i really tried to figure out why and it really comes down to his persistence in talking to me on a daily basis and how much i wanted that attention. or to but it more aptly; validation.

so i received many diagnosis in my life one of them being borderline personality disorder. this i felt at the time did not represent my mental state accurately and was just a convenient and almost a trendy diagnosis at the time. but im curled up in bed with thoughts of suicide and my thoughts always steering toward this person named ronnie who over the course of many months i talked to consistently. he become what is known within the BPD community as a "fave person". people with this disorder are known for becoming overly attached to one person with idealization and co dependency being some of the features associated with having a FP. i did not experience any idealization but i craved his constant validation of me. of my existence of my problems. i felt consumed and limited. by this constant interaction that became the baseline of my existence.

it didnt help much that he flirted with me constantly then when i asked him about it he would deny it. i was beginning to get really confused by the love and the attention and not to mention the unsolicited dick pics (that i somehow excused ??? ) and he kept telling me how emotionally unavailable he was and how he was absolutely not ready for a girlfriend and i danced with it satisfied with the copious amounts of attention my inner child never received. he didnt fulfill me in any other capacity only with the consistency of his attention to me. and for my serotonin deficient brain i began to rely on the absurdity of the situation.

now he has a sorta girlfriend and he tells me all about it and he barely calls anymore and i feel so fucking empty and stupid and sad. that i traded in my time and energy eVERYDAY for a guy that before he met me was a rePUBLICAN. A REPUBLICAN. i swear to god what is wrong with me. anywho back to the diagnosis, BPD eerily aligns with my strange infatuation and dependence on this person and my insane reaction to him distancing himself a little bit. this reaction is unwarranted and exaggerated for no reason. he is just someone i talk to online yet im in so much pain and i cant stop comparing myself to his girlfriend she is so cool and pretty and so much better than me and ugh why cant my self worth be attached to something healthy like the inherent worth of everybody and not infantilizing myself and begging for approval from a man that was a FUCKING REPUBLICAN

[whatisthequestion]

lets talk about obsessive thoughts. i just get stuck on a thought sometimes and im unable to dislodge it from my brain and its not static it grows. its starts with smol bad and then it bounces around in my unwilling brain sticking to the other smol bads till it has developed its own consciousness with its own deliberate ecosystem. it then thrives independently from me (its creator) and wrecks havok. is this what people call demons lol? invented from the minds of the anxiety riddled? obviously im being dramatic by calling it a demon but this is an attempt to articulate the feeling of helplessness with obsessive thoughts. it truly feels like something completely seperate to yourself and outside of your control.

[whatisthequestion]

i dont know man i just cried today because i was overwhelmed with self hate. i hate my face acne, acne scars, personality like im so fucking attention seeking it's nauseating. like why am i such a stupid piece of shit?? and on top of it all you are nothing to look at. you really have nothing going for you. no one really likes you your friends are just tolerating you and you have to stop going to them and crying becuase they will get sick of it and leave you. i never wnat to leave the house again see anyone speak to anyone becuase then they will find out. how worthless i am. but i am forced to particapate in the rat race of capitilism. no fucking choice to sell my body for below a livable wage, like i am aware this is all just trauma and/or mental illness talking but its still there. im are but im not aware. on some level i know its npt true but on all of the other levels its scripture.

[whatisthequestion]

heyyyy its your friendly neighborhood cognitive dissonance with an identity crisis.

i dont want anyone near me. eveR. i hate cuddling dont hold my hand. hugs are for losers, my soul craVES solitude. its begging for it. but conversely my soul is asking for divine connection. acceptance and most transcendent of all; understanding. to be wholly understood. felt. infact i would say that im desperate for it. i do earnestly offer pieces of myself to those around me but somehow those offerings are always merely glimpsed at never touched. the contradictory nature of my being is not unnatural nor unheard of its a part of every human's condition. to be so multi faceted and limitless that it spans out past our physical shell ino the cosmos. into each other. if this is so why is it so hard to be understood? is it the problem of articulation? maybe if i could explain my being just right it could be felt. is that the function of art? to create soliloquies, colours, noises and shapes so deeply personal , explorative and expressive that it provides a glipmse into one's soul? i think this is the case sometimes but human beings tend to only feel things they have felt before. an expression of an experience they have never felt themselves may be too abstract. a concept too far out of reach.

maybe why i reject relationships and touch is not because i inherently despise these things but the physicality of closeness just juxtaposes how really un-close we are. i think deep down maybe i do want a hug.

[whatisthequestion]

found out one of my coworkers today has an extEnsive amount of knowledge on mars' atmospheric pressure. I am now planning ways to corner him so he can tell me everything he knows in the least creepy way.

[whatisthequestion]

so as a small joke my coworker said that i need to go to rehab because i take so many paracetamols. and i said i would like to experience the inner workings of rehab just once and she looked at me like i was crazy. i thought about it later and realized it must have sounded like a completely ignorantly white girl ish thing to say. next time i see her i want to explain that my dad is a crack head and he has been in and out of rehab maybe 20 plus times and i spent a large part of my childhood sitting in on meetings and visiting him in the facility. i am genuinely curious what it was like for him. what the system was like. is it actually helpful or just full of shit. is it just escapism at its finest? i have so many of those ten step coins.

i have been thinking about that short exchange i had with that coworker for days trying to scheme a way to engineer that topic again so i can "naturally" explain myself. its a bit stupid how fixated i am on this. im sure everyone has misconceptions about me. even my closest friends. one coworker is just a blip in the meaningless vastness of existence why should i think this deeply about it. none of that shit matters. but it does.

[whatisthequestion]

man flossing is really fucking important how am i 23 and now figuring this out

[whatisthequestion]

there is this girl at work who is sure of herself and so intelligent and well spoken. she is a cutiepie. and is so KIND. she shares the same core beliefs and values as i do and i think i have a fAt crush on her, i know she is gay too and we talk about gay stuff and idk i think i have a problem lol. i feel like i have crushes on anyone who is nice to me. i dont have anymore shifts with her this week and im so saddd. i highly doubt she likes me back and i. ughh i really do have a problem i develop crushes so quickly. could you imagine what it would be like if she liked me back ? i could learn so much from her she is so smart. i just like how she talks and deals with people with this self assuredness that you can tell she worked hard for. she earned that shit. i want to be her friend. its okay if she doesnt feel the same way i just want to be friends and share energy with someone like her. she is truly great. she wouldnt like me anyway i have been super pimply recently and its not going away its really killing my self confidence. how am i supposed to get a girlfriend when i have so many red spots

[whatisthequestion]

i want to go back to the hospital i want to run away from life again i dont know if i can keep doing this

[whatisthequestion]

im 22. i will soon be 23 and it scares me. im terrified of living and i havent achieved anything so far. my last birthday i spent in a psych ward and the one before that i was on top of the roof of a hotel at my last job contemplating jumping. im so old but i feel so immature and confused. i am not content with where i am rn and i know i should stop the craving for certain circumstances but my situation is so hard. its difficult everyday. work is overwhelming, keeping my GPA at a reasonable level is frustrating and my home life is chaotic. the fights i have with my mother are explosive. she is narcissistic and manipulative. i am her only friend and she uses me without giving anything in return. she hurts me and when i say anything about it she flips it around and makes it about herself. its so frustrating i think im going crazy. i dont think i have ever had any real stability in my life. im an adult now none of this should matter but i kinda want what i never got growing up. some love that wasnt conditional and feeling worthy. ik im too old for this now but i would like my mom to be my mom sometimes. its too late now. i have to find these things with in myself but how do people do it? how do they just love themselves?

[whatisthequestion]

its crazy that no matter how old you get there will never be a time where you stop learning things about yourself. i always thought my anxiety got really bad as i got older, that i didnt really deal with it till much later. but i was thinking about how i would miss weeks of school in highschool at a time when i was living with my granmother (she would let me do whatever i wanted) due to an overwhelming fear of just being 'seen' i just couldnt handle walking through the crowds to get to the bus terminal. standing amongst so many school kids and adults in town waiting for my bus would make me hyperventilate and sweat nonstop. like seriously sweat. a fucking shoWER my dude. when i was even younger i would pack a change of clothes in my school bag to skip school and hang out alone at the beach. then change back and fool my mother. when i started uwi for the first time i had to drop out after a year due to having 'episodes' on campus where i would cry and shake and i would think my features on my face were warping ?? when i walked through campus. looking back on it now it was definitely a delusion caused by my fear of being seen. i eventually gave up and felt like everything was too hard. i drifted into a deep depression and tried to end my life. i knew that i was battling mental illness i just never though it started such a long time ago. but im proud. i kept pushing. i kept trying. it was so FUCKING hARD but now im doing things i never thought i was capable of. im back at uwi studying something im passionate about. i have a job that still freaks me out but i can function. my hands tremble when im pouring waters at tables or when im making coffee. like a damn leaf to the point the customers are like 'are you alright?' im just like this is just how i am lmao. i have only had one anxiety attack at work and i have been there a year. one in a whole yearr. at my last job it was practically every day. im trying so hard and i can see how far ive come. i want to boast to somebody but no one would get it. so i am saying it here. i have come so far. i am getting there nah fuck it i AM there. i am badass i am strong. and i am proud.

[whatisthequestion]

how do i define my being

i have many weaknesses. my insecurities, trauma, self hate, mental health problems, impatience and a shit ton more. but i dont think your weaknesses cancel out your strength. i have defined myself as a weak person for a long time because sometimes i cant move or speak, sometimes i cant even look someone in the eye. sometimes i cant bear to look in the mirror let alone serve people as a barista at my job. my hands shake when i talk to anyone new- fuck that they still shake around the people i knew since i was a child. when did i start to disregard that life is a push and pull, that one thing can not exist with out the other. how could i be strong if i didnt have anything to overcome? how could i be fearless if im not constantly fighting back the need to cower. i tried to end my life twice because i was so scared and tired of living but im still here. how do i define my being? do i pick and choose the actions i deem as significant and disregard the rest? how do i weigh my soul? can one really judge themselves truthfully? but who else can breathe, think and experience life as i have up until now. it would seem ridiculous to give anyone else the task. if anyone were to look in they would say

how pitiful a child masquerading as a fully fledged adult. look how she trembles as she refills my glass. look at those lame scars etched into the most obvious parts of her being. as though begging to be pointed out and commented on screaming for attention

they wouldnt be wrong. i am asking for attention. i am hoping someone would see me and see what i cant even grasp. when i try to define myself over and over and see nothing but more questions i hope someone sees the piece i glossed over in my desperate frenzy. i hope they pluck it from between my eyes -too close for me to see- and hold it before me. here is your answer here is what you have been searching for all along. quell your heart and your pain. be at peace.

I seem to be caught up in the lie, in the story sold to me. when did i buy into it? or maybe the question is when has it not been sold to me? some grand solution to my pain? simplified to a small piece that would connect it all. the universal theory of all life hanging delicately, on a stick just out of my grasp? there are levels to awareness and acceptance of truth. being aware of something does not equate to knowing it. thinking about it often does not equate to its existence. i am eating my own tail

[whatisthequestion]

i think it would be really nice if i was able to sit on your balcony surrounded by your moms plants and smoke a cigarette with you one more time. or atleast a couple more times. you know we had our ups and downs but rn i miss your softness. which is what your energy felt like. soft. i wish i could take back so many things i said to you and i wish i could have been around more. tbh i resent you sometimes for putting me in uncomfortable positions. but then again i dont think you knew how you were making me feel. and maybe i was making you feel similarly. i didnt want to have a sexual relationship with you but sometimes i felt that you would stop being my friend if i did. maybe that was just my fear of losing someone so special that i did things i didnt want to. i know you felt it. that i didnt want to. but i dont think you fully understood. i dont blame you. we were both confused. but we loved each other. i loved you. you were my bestfriend and i constantly felt like i wasnt good enough for you. but i was. and i regret that because my insecurity made me close my heart from you eventually. i will never allow my fears to  make me lose something so special again.

[whatisthequestion]

im reading this manga rn where a girl was severely bullied in school so she was eventually transferred away from that toxic environment. can we PLESE normalize removing ourselves from unhealthy environments especially with our kids ?? i got bullied so badly in secondary and i used to come back home sobbingly almost everyday i was terrified to go to school and i was forced to because i was told “ it would make me stronger” ?? i started skipping almost all of my classes to avoid seeing my peers i skipped school entirely as often as i could.  It didnt help that my home was even more abusive, my stepfather would beat the shit out of me for existing. it was like no matter where i go i was being made to feel so worthless. now when im in a bad relationship or a bad environment i feel obligated to stay because what the fuck do i deserve ? and when something good happens i self sabotage. please if your kid is being bullied in school and nothing is changing TAKE THEM THE HELL OUT. its not worth it. it makes you stronger my ass. you know what really makes you strong fucking love and support  

[whatisthequestion]

im getting closer and closer to my goal. i wasnt expecting to. Like i had this plan to work and finish my degree while saving for my masters. its crazy because now i only have two years left till im done my degree. its like, life keeps moving forward and i only realize it till im there. though i had this “plan” i never really thought i was capable of getting it done. but apparently i am. i dont think i was prepared to succeed.   i really need to prepare myself mentally for my future. my future is no longer lightyears away or abstract. its real and its happening right now. the future is happening rn. do i even really want this though? like im working a shit job that stresses me tf out and school makes me panic and it is all so overwhelming but it will be over in a blink of an eye. it always is-that is in retrospect it is. i have been daydreaming about what my house would look like in the future. when im alone. im excited for it but it also terrifies me. i will be thirty in eight years. i am an adult now. i have been for a while but i truly am one now. i want to be a great psychologist and i want to help people but i also want to try living in a different country. i want to travel and experience different things. i think my journey is going to keep me on this island. i cant leave till i finish my degree and i cant  do my masters anywhere but here because i cant afford it. but my soul longs to be everywhere. i dunno. am i limiting myself with this “plan” i like to go with the flow but i know that that flow is the path of least resistance and maybe i want to struggle beyond being in a shitty job and staying up till 5 am trying to send in my essay before i have work at 7am, yes this is a struggle but its not worthwhile i guess ? or maybe the fruit of it is too far away for me to truly acknowledge it? or maybe i dont even want the award of staying here. how do i change this ? where do i start ?

[whatisthequestion]

I have died many times

[whatisthequestion]

So i just realized that the very toxic partner i had and the unstable ups and lows of it all is probably karmic retribution for the mistakes i made in my first one? I was the toxic one in my first relationship and it came full circle to meet someone who would in turn tear me down. Welp. Though i dont like the idea of justifying bad behaviour by calling it some divine cosmic equity, but i cant deny the macro spiral of my actions and thoughts. You will find in life the exact reproduction of your own thoughts.

That brings me to the idea of manifestation. I do believe in it but i draw a cartain line between it and privilidge. I was watching this tik toker now youtuber talking about how she "manifested" her house and money and fame. And i was like no boo your conventionally pretty, white ass gave you a disproportunate advantage and dont forget your rich ass father ?? It reminds me of trump's smol loan of a million dollars. The head people i see talking about the power of manifestation are those who society congratulates and rewards for ?? Bare ?? Minimum effort ?? Anywayy