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whatitdobabybew · 7 years ago

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Anxious and stressed

I’m so anxious. It’s like I can never catch a break with myself.

I put what seems like unrealistic goals infront of me and just hope I can actually pull through it. Like right now I’m stressing another apartment because I’m unsure if my roommate is going to want to room with me anymore. Every time I bring the topic up she gets quite and I just can’t live like that, like I need to know. I need security I hate having my future up in the air. It makes me resent her a tiny bit honestly.

So with that I have this unreasonable fear of having to move back to my parents house and that’s something I can’t do. And I think that’s where all my anxiety is stemming from. I love my family. I do. But my parents relationship is so unhealthy and my father is seriously the worst person to live with.

I sometimes wonder if I’m like him. Like with my roommate. I don’t want to be like him towards her.

Sometimes I get annoyed because she’s just careless and doesn’t clean up after herself at all.

She was having a couple of glasses of wine with her boyfriend and then goes upstairs and leaves the glasses there on the floor. I wanted to call her downstairs and be like look bitch these are the things that I’m talking about. But honestly it’s not even worth it. She gets super defensive and has a nasty little attitude.( or maybe I’m just fucking sensitive) And I just don’t want to deal with that bullshit. I sometimes laugh to myself and think damn this is my karma, because I was the exact same way at my house. But I was comfortable in doing that.

Maybe my roommate is just comfortable in being messy. But I’m not. Don’t leave the living space a mess. Clean up. Even if it’s not your mess. She is so careless that she forgets her own messes and idk if I should just laugh about it or get upset. I honestly don’t even know what to do. I can’t talk about it with anyone because she’s my friend at the end of the day and with out her I wouldn’t be where I am. Like I have an awesome town house apartment with rent being cheap as fuck for Miami. I guess this is the price I pay. But it’s worth it. I would literally prefer having to pick up after someone than live with my family again.

Wow this feels great. To actually write out my thoughts. And reflect. It gives me insight on myself I feel like I can read this back to myself and then just give myself advice. I mean I give everyone advice why can’t I reflect inwardly and do the same?

Ugh idk I’m a mess, also on the brink of getting my period so god knows my emotions and sensitivity is at a all time high. I hate being understanding. Sometimes I just don’t want to be. But it’s common sense. If I think things logically and not let my emotions get the best of me then I’ll be ok. But that’s easier said than done you know. I’m a wreck if I can’t talk about things like this with someone. I mean most of the time I just need to talk to someone just so that they can hear me out and let me know I’m heard or maybe if I’m being to irrational or emotional, I need others perspectives from time to time but ultimately I’ll always side with what sits right with me.

Like the other day I did something I wish I wouldn’t have. I went to my superior at work because I was upset and felt uncomfortable with my manager. But lowkey I really wanted her to get reprimanded. Whatever she ended up not really getting told anything and then me and her had a talk and then I pulled tears out of my ass to just have her overlook everything. I know I’m a manipulative asshole but that bitch controls my schedule and my money. I don’t think I’ll ever do that again tho to be completely honest. Sometimes you just got to take the L and let karma or whatever force or entity you want to call it just take care of it. Plus she’s a mother raising her son and who the fuck am I to fuck her life up like that. That brought me a bunch of guilt, not only that but my roommate was pissed because she didn’t want to be in the middle of it because she knows how petty my manager is. I should have listened to her honestly. I wish I could talk to her openly about things but idk I don’t think she cares.

Oh and last but not least of my anxieties..... drum roll please .... ITS ABOUT A GUY.

I know surprising right? Haha

Yea so I’m obsessed with this guy who has been coming into the bar I work at frequently.

I don’t know what it is about this guy but I’m soooooo enticed by him.

But Venus is in retrograde ahahhhhhhhh I’m over it. Like whyyyyyyyy. Whatever I’m going to have fun writing this out so here we go. Btw there are two guys actually maybe three or four? Actually I really shouldn’t be stressing right now because I’ve just realized I have so many other options that if this one didn’t work out I could totally just go to any of the other guys and be completely content for the moment being. Whatever, I guess I use guys but I just want to be loved and wanted ok. I have major daddy and mommy issues.

ANYWAYS this guy lol

So it was just an average shift on an average day of the week. Like nothing significant or different besides that this day I actually did my make up and my hair was looking fabulous. Besides the point. I was feeling myself and was very confident somewhat. So I was behind that bar working it , I knew I was going to at least break $200 easily. So I wasn’t to worried about anything back there. UNTIL this fucking guy walks in. And my god when I saw him I just was like omg. Idk I was instantly attracted to him and of course like the stupid idiot that I am I didn’t talk to him at all. Haha I was way to nervous. This guy was so cute. He has such a gorgeous smile and his eyes idk I was super infatuated from the moment I saw him I even had my manger check him out for me like who am iiiiiiiiiiii.

Anyways I couldn’t tell if he was tall so I figured he was short so I just canceled him and payed no mind to him. Mind you I’m 5’8. I’m working the bar and my other coworker is talking to them and whatever and he’s like lowkey trying to get my attention with out being to obvious but come on I notice everything. Or so I think I do. But I pay no mind to him or his friend. Then as they leave I notice how tall he is and instantly my attraction to him grew. As they were leaving we teased them and was like why are you guys leaving and they tell us that they will be back. I didn’t really believe it like how and why would this guy come back he’s so out of my league. But guess what he comes back and this time with two more friends. Long story short I ignore them again. Take care of everyone else but them. And that’s when he starts saying things. He talks loud enough for me to hear him but then gets quite when I look. Childish but extremely charming. It’s playful and fun and I love a good tease. Even if it’s innocent. So whatever they’re talking to us and he asks me where I’m from, nonchalantly. At first I thought he was asking my coworker but then he was like no you where are you from and then I told him, then he told his friend that he liked “Becky” which happens to be my name. And I causally nonchalantly say yea most guys do, and I walk away lol. His expression was priceless. I loved it. Later we get on the topic of age and I tell them I’m 24 and he kinda seems shocked like yea no way. Then I ask him how old he is and he won’t tell me he just smiles and looks away and I tease him and tell him that he seems to be taking quite a while to tell me his age, what he doesn’t know how old he is? And he just doesn’t say anything so I notice that I put him on the spot so to ease it I start asking his friends and they go down the line and then when I get to him he asks me to guess, I guess to see what I think about him, and so I answered that he was 12 and moved on to his other friend and they all started laughing. That’s my way of flirting with him. So then they are all laughing and he tells me that I got the second number right, so I ask him 22? And he just nods his head and says yea and I just go all out and talk baby to him. I’m like ahhhhhhh how cute look at that face he’s only 22. I know he got shy when I did that but I loveddddd it. He was trying to show me that age was nothing and that he was a great time. When I handed him his check he asked me if that was my number and I laughed and said yea and him and his friend both went to grab it. Haha I was kinda like in shock by that reaction. But then I teased and said if you want my number you’re going to have to ask for it. Lol

His friend was like he wants your number just give it to him and I said he has to ask me and that I would eat him up , referencing to his age. And he was just next to him acting like he didn’t hear me. And so I write my number and give it to my coworker and she hands it to them and idk what happened I got shy and went to the back, I didn’t even say bye. I was scared of rejection more than anything

So they left that day and I just couldn’t stop thinking about him. I text my roommate all about him and she’s like an FBI agent, we looked up his universtity and luckily he was on one of the sports team which thank god Bc there was no way I would ever have found him. So we look at the roster find out his name and boom I find most of his social media. By the second day I just couldn’t hold myself back and added him on insta and he added me immediately back.... I was in shock. Then he comes into my job again for the third time in a week and he’s with his family this time. He tells his waitress to tell me that he’s there, so I go to the table and it was awkward af he tried to play it cool but I definitely put him on the spot lol so whatever he tells me he ordered a drink and that he wanted me to make it. So I do and give it to him. And then that’s it. As he’s leaving I see him and I wave goodbye. And he waves bye too and all his boys are rubbing his shoulders like he won something it was cute.

Fast forward a couple of days he’s in my DMs not to consistent but consistent enough. And we talk a couple of times back and forth. Then he asks me what my work schedule is. And so the next time I worked guess who showed up? His two friends, I recognize them and greet them and take care of them get there bill discounted and as they leave I tell them bye nice seeing you guys again, and just as they were leaving I tell them tell your friend I said hi, and they were like oh we will but he’s going to be here later we will be back. And then later came and he was there. AND I GOT SUPER NERVOUS AND MADE MYSELF SEEM BUSY. Ugh . He would call me over occasionally just to talk and his friends just ruined it lol saying he was playing backwards. That he was playing hard to get and I jokingly say well aren’t I supposed to be playing hard to get and he’s just quite put on the spot and I can tell he’s uncomfortable so I just laugh it off and change the subject for him. But uh he was winking at me and flirting so hard and I had no where to hide because hello I work At a bar that’s shaped like a horse show.

So whatever he leaves and I get kinda sad and am like wow you’re leaving? And he tells me he would be back the next day and well he never did. But then guess what today he went in and my coworkers obviously know who he is because hello he’s been coming in for me lol. And they said he was looking for me like looking around and I thought that was really sweet. But idk what am I to do? That’s it

And here I am letting it get the best of me. I start doubting myself like maybe he doesn’t like me ? Maybe I’m just way to over my head reading things incorrectly but then again why would his friends just say all of that. Idk I hope he comes in again or something I want to get to know him I want to know what’s his deal. But I’m super nervous. That anxious little voice gets the best of me. And I just need it to stop. I need to stop slef sabotaging myself. I always do this. I did the same thing with manny, I was doubting him so much, like why would he want to be with someone like me? And I demanded that he would tell me how he felt about me I needed him to constantly re assure me that he liked me and honestly, if I met someone who was like that with me I would really curve that like I can’t deal with that. So I don’t blame for that relationship to end the way it did.

So I need to stop. Just let things go and stop over reading the small details and just let things happen naturally, if he really is interested I feel like he will show it and I know I will reciprocate. But time will deal all of this.

I wish I could just get a little glimpse of the future or some reassurance. But I will never get that. I can’t think that I can control everything. So I kinda need to fucking stop.

So yea there are my lists of anxieties and what’s been occupying my mind the most. I would talk about the other guys but they’re not that important yet.

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