whats-sleep1

[whats-sleep1]

Jason finished up a job, and he and Roy were cleaning up the mess, mostly using bleach to scrub blood stains, when a knock at the door interrupted them.

Jason (after opening the door): Um, hello?

A blonde pizza girl stood at the front door, her eyes widened for a second. The initial rush of fear faded quickly when she saw Jason.

Roy (whispering): Why would you open the door?

Jason (pointing at the pizza): They have food. Hi.

Angie (Delivery girl): Hi, I have a large pizza for—

Jason (finishing the sentence): Jared?

Angie (peeking behind Jason): Yeah, um, not to be nosy, but he’s dead, isn’t he?

Jason: Yep.

Angie (nonchalant): I figured his time would come. He was a huge creep, but he never went to jail. Apparently, they couldn’t charge him without evidence. The guy got caught in ladies bathroom at the mall, holding cameras, but that wasn't enough for the cops.

Jason (laughing angrily): Oh, the evidence was on his computer… lots of files. He even separated them into subjects and that was the tip of the iceberg. He’s dead now. Did he leave a tip?

Angie: Never does, but he did pay over the phone. So… here ya go.

Jason opened the pizza box, it was Hawaiian pizza, and unlike most people, Jason enjoyed this kind of pizza.

Jason: Pineapple and ham on pizza with bacon bits… Yeah, I’m eating this.

Roy (staying hidden on the other side of the door): That’s for you, brother. I don’t eat pineapple on pizza.

Jason: Tomato sauce is already on pizza! It already has fruit, this is just a sweeter addition. Sorry ma'am I'm talking to my friend and we gotta get back to cleaning. This is for you.

Jason pulled out a hundred-dollar bill and handed it to the pizza girl.

Jason: For your troubles, and because he never tipped.

Angie: Oh, awesome! I won’t have to deliver to him anymore, and I get a hundred bucks tip? Thanks, dude. Have a great night!

Jason: You too, ma’am.

Jason closed the door, then walked over to the dead man’s body and headed to the kitchen. Roy shrugged, frustrated he'd have to clean along for the next twenty minutes while Jason ate pizza.

Jason: I’m taking a snack break. I wonder if this guy has a Dr. Pepper.

Roy (mopping the floor): You and him have the worst food tastes.

[whats-sleep1]

dick grayson: Happy father’s day to the man who called the cops on me when he didn’t find me in my room sleeping in the middle of the night and thought I snuck out of the house. dick grayson: I was downstairs in the kitchen eating cereal and also 18. Cheers to you, Bruce.

[whats-sleep1]

*taps microphone* is this thing on? Okay…

🎤 THIS IS A REMINDER THAT ALL OF THE ROBINS ARE SMART, GENIUSES IN FACT. THEY ARE IN A FAMILY OF DETECTIVES. THATS LIKE THEIR WHOLE THING. ALL OF THE ROBINS (AND THE REST OF THE BATFAM TOO) ARE CLEVER, STRATEGIC, AND CAPABLE, NOT JUST TIM. (No hate to my boy Tim, though. I love Tim.) YES, EVEN THAT ONE. Thank you. 🎤

[whats-sleep1]

i like to think that at the league of assassins jason used to get so bored of having no access to media/tv that he would just compensate by singing excessively every theme tune/pop culture song he knew whenever he was working/training, which means damian probably knew all these pop culture references already when he got to gotham, except when tim puts on the tv and he hears a popular ad jingle play during commercials he doesn’t get a fun ‘oh haha i recognise that tune’ moment instead its him hearing an ed sheeran song and having a rapid war flashback to watching jason viscerally rip the heads off a group of about 20 men attempting to harm damian while dancing and singing fucking Starlord, Guardians of the Galaxy style.

dick, humming as he makes toast: dontcha’ know, i’m still standin, betta than i eva did~

damian, experiencing both nostalgia and confusion at the same time: why are you singing a battle cry? we are in the kitchen.

tim: did you just call one of the songs from the Sing soundtrack a fucking battle cry?

damian:

damian: what’s Sing.

[whats-sleep1]

“I hate Bruce, why is he like that” and “Bruce is the one person I can count on at the end of the world no matter what” are two things that can be true at the same time. “I hate that man” and “that man will put his body and soul between me and the threat every time.”

[whats-sleep1]

Bruce: *is dead again*

Dick: well this s-

Tim: *carrying a go bag* I can't believe this! I'm gonna put a tracker on him when I- oh hi Dick.

Dick: ...you don't think he's dead?

Tim: WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME ANYONE DIED! ok Alfred but at this point I think he's using this as a vacation from us but PAST THAT! Who ACTUALLY dies? Superman 'dies' every few years, Bruce keeps 'dying' hell YOU 'die' sometimes. Obviously Jason, Damian, Cas, Steph have all 'died', my friends have'died',BUT THEY COME BACK! everyone. comes. back. I'll be back when I find Bruce for the THIRD TIME! *slams door*

Alfred: *walking into the room* he's not wrong. Tea?

[whats-sleep1]

Damian defends the Red Hood. the family doesn’t know why, but it’s concerning. what reason would their youngest have to defend a crime lord? there must have been something more to it.

even after the identity reveal, Damian refuses to step down. the moment he perceives the family as being unfair to Jason, the moment they seem to overlook him or brush him off, Damian will be there to tell them off and remind them that, actually, Jason was talking first.

what’s probably even more dumbfounding to them by that point is that Jason lets it happen. it forces them to realize that Jason hardly fights for himself, to be heard or acknowledged. and for those of them that had been there when Jason first joined the family? it’s a painful reminder of the skittish boy they had first got to know

Damian takes his duties of brother very seriously. when Jason first joined their family back in Nanda Parbat, his mother had been very clear when explaining to him that his brother was in no state to speak or stand up for himself due to his catatonic state. Damian had made it his mission then to not only defend but also promote his brother’s interest. it would be unbecoming of him to let anyone diminish or take advantage of the more vulnerable member of their family until he could do it for himself

except that time never did happen. Damian still jumps to Jason’s defence at a moment’s notice and Jason still gets a little choked up when he gets to witness how how protective his little brother still is of him

[whats-sleep1]

Damian settling in to life at the manor but he keeps forgetting that Jason is supposed to be dead and after a slip up where he mentions an interaction he had with Jason recently in front of the bats he panics and just tells them he’s a medium and that he can see and talk to Jason’s ghost. unfortunately that just makes things worse because now the family all think Damian can speak to dead people and they keep asking him to get victim’s information on murder cases and Damian has to keep bullshitting answers and desperately hope that he’s somehow on the money so they don’t figure out he’s lying. eventually it gets to the point where Damian is doing double detective work; doing the case normally with the bats and then sneaking off alone to solve the case ahead of time so that when Bruce asks him to use his abilities to get information he already has it on hand and can pretend a ghost told him who the murderer is.

eventually, of course,

Bruce: we have reason to believe that Red Hood wasn’t wearing his helmet when he made this kill; however nobody alive saw his identity. Damian, do you think you could contact the victim and find out what Hood looks like? That way we could have a profile sketch to add to his case.

Damian:

Damian: *deep sigh*

-later, on the phone-

Jason: you never fail to entertain me, little buddy

Damian: may i remind you i’m doing this for your benefit. help me.

Jason: i mean i don’t know what the fuck i’m supposed to do about it, just lie about what i look like.

Jason: OH- tell him i look exactly like Scarface.

Damian:

Damian: you want me. to say you look exactly like a famous movie character. and you think that will go well, do you?

Jason: when i was a kid Bruce told me he’d never seen the movie before so i made him watch it with me, and i swear he fell asleep like three minutes in. he swore on his life he paid rapt attention but i don’t believe him. if he doesn’t clock that you’re lying, then i’ll finally have confirmation and justice will prevail.

Damian:

Damian: i don’t think you take this as seriously as i do

Jason: womp womp, just do it

Damian: how are you the older brother out of the two of us

-

Damian, handing over a perfect sketch of Scarface: this is what i got from following the victim’s descriptions.

Bruce:

Bruce:

Bruce: *pinning it to a case board* incredibly detailed, amazing job, son. now-

Dick, stepping forward: isn’t that-?

Tim, putting a hand on Dick’s elbow and whispering: hold on, hold on. clearly he’s lying, but Bruce is fucking dumb, and wouldn’t you rather watch for a bit and see how this plays out, before we go digging for the truth?

Dick:

Dick: a fair point- great sketch, Dames! we’ll have Hood in no time with facial recognition like this!

[whats-sleep1]

Small Head cannon:

You know how sometimes little kids will make those little coupon books for their parents/ loved ones?

Well, when Dick was little, maybe 10 or 11, he made on of these coupon books for Bruce (bc he’s emotionally constipated) and one for Alfred as well. Those little slips of paper end up getting circulated through the family as it grows. They never expire, and can be used an unlimited number of times. Years and years later, Damian ends up approaching Dick with a slip of paper.

“1 free hug”

written in Dicks terrible child handwriting. Damian doesn’t tear up as his older brothers warmth surrounds him in an embrace, he doesn’t feel relieve at the feeling of being protected, at feeling truly safe. Dick is happy to give his family hugs, whether they have the coupon or not.

The coupons also work for anyone who has them, not just on Dick btw. More coupons have been made over the years, ie: “1x free BatBurger Lunch” (aka, get lunch and hang out with me), “One Free 30 minutes training session”, “1x help me with homework pass” (was originally Do my homework, but Alfred put a stop to that one). “1x Take my patrol tonight”, “Watch one movie with me”. etc etc. They have done wonders in helping them all communicate.

[whats-sleep1]

Tim, at Dick's house in his room: I should ask Dick when dinner's ready. Hey Dick-

*Distant Romani cursing from 2 rooms down*

Tim, now content to go hungry: Okay! Nevermind.

[whats-sleep1]

Had been thinking lately about the concept of Bruce Wayne, who is awkward about initiating any physical contact with his kids first (tries to muster a courage for a hug, but ends up slapping them on the back or just awkwardly ruffle their hair) but he YEARNS for some good hugs and smooches. His solution? Host more parties and galas. They can't get away from it on camera. He also can act embarrassing and it will fit the role. The top-notch technic, mind you.

[whats-sleep1]

Another headcannon:

Jason calls Dick "Duckie" from time to time. Some people think it's a mock of Nightwing's eagle symbol.

But the truth is, one day they were texting and Jason sent "Duckie" instead of "Dickie", and Dick liked the nickname so much that convinced Jason to call him like that. Dick's contact in Jason's phone is "Duckie 🦆"

[whats-sleep1]

They’re funny💘💘💘💘💘

[whats-sleep1]

Bruce: And if someone comes up to you at school and says ‘hi, I’m one of B’s friends, I’m here to pick you up’ what do you say?

8 year old Dick Grayson: Liar! Bruce doesn’t have any friends!

[whats-sleep1]

I don't know where I saw it first, but the idea that Dick is like nonverbal when he's younger and kinda reverts to it when he's older too and the only person who can read him accurately is Bruce means so much to me

just just just-

Superman, eyes narrowed at little Robin!Dick who's sitting on the chimney: Hmmmm. He wants me to fly Batman, tiredly dealing with the leftover goons nearby: No. Superman, eyes twitching as he tries to telepathically reach Dick: He wants to fly Batman, eyes rolling behind the mask: He always wants to fly. That doesn't count. Superman, about ready to bribe Dick into speaking: He wants... Robin!Dick, completely unbothered by Clark's desperate attempts: :) Batman, exasperated and joining his son again: He wanted to see you punt that car into the sky. But since you couldn't understand him... Robin!Dick, who actually wanted Bruce to hug him and is now getting his wish but is still a little shit: :( Clark, panicking: Wait no- ~ Oliver, babysitting: Do you want... to go play videogames? Little Dick Grayson, staring at him wide eyed: :/ Oliver, frowning because he will crack this thank you very much Dinah for your vote of confidence: how about... the park? Bruce, who hasn't left yet because Oliver is helpless: No. Oliver, intent: The move theater? Bruce, concerned at how no one is able to understand his son when it's so easy: No. Oliver, growing a lil panicked: You want to bake something! Bruce, now severely concerned for his friends ability to read people: Not even close. Oliver: I give up. Bruce: He wants you to read to him. Dick: *nodding* Oliver:... *i hate you, you're lying to me, this is rigged-* yeah okay ~ Hal, on watch with Nightwing: mmmm waffles! Nightwing, tired and nonverbal but amused: *shakes head* Hal, concentrating: mmmm pancakes! Nightwing, yawning: *shakes head* Hal, panicking now because the elevator just opened which means Bruce is about to arrive: um um- oh! Chocolate fudge! Bruce, arrived: White chocolate chip macadamia cookies. Dick, pleased: *nods* Hal, defeated: ... one, please...

[whats-sleep1]

Reading the cursed child I hate every decision the characters make because what do you mean Ron was to drunk to remember his own wedding? We already did a whole arc about how Ron was growing up and becoming more responsible it just doesn’t make sense. I would have been fine if harry married anyone but naming your kid after snape??

Snape the guy who would have been fine if you had died instead of Lilly. Would have preferred it actually and you name your kid after that man.

Reading Harry Potter for the first time I always thought Luna and Harry would date/marry because they understood each other in a way that their friends never did. They were odd but never judge the other. Both of them understood death and loss. Both of them understand not fitting in. I just feel like their relationship should have been deeper in a platonic way or not.

While it was somewhat addressed with his youngest Lily Luna potter I just wanted to get this out there (Luna is my favorite if you can’t tell).

[whats-sleep1]

Roy's favorite place is between Jason's thighs and Jason's favorite place is between Roy's chest

Roy gets me.

Everybody is always like "Are you an ass or a tits guys?" And they COMPLETELY DISREGARD God's gifts to Earth that are thighs. I am a thighs guy through and through.

Sometimes Roy just lays between Jason's thighs. Just shoves his face in Jason's lap and prays that when he dies, this will be where it's at.

He made Jason crush a watermelon between his thighs once and his brain just short-circuits. Roy can't look Jason in the eye for a week after that without wanting to ask Jason to treat his head like he did the watermelon.

Jason likes motorboating Roy and you can't change my mind. Not even as a joke, he loves it. It does make Roy laugh every time though.