whatsahin

[whatsahin]

29/11/2021

I am sick and I know it. It is back. My downfall is always people around me, people I put trust in. I have learnt that the world out there is untrusting and cold and yet i still give people power over me.

I hope in my next life, i would be a stronger person, a person with a better boundary. I hope I won’t be willing to let me go instead of letting go of people in my life. I have lost hope again. This world is not meant for me. Trying hard is not the answer especially when u are so weak minh. I would embrace you again and again but i know u are so tired. I wish one day you will be back to your old self too. They all say find yourself again. I don’t know how. I am sick and I am tired. There are things i can do about it and things i cannot. My parents are not gonna help me to finance anything. To them, words are enough, if you don’t listen you are not a good enough daughter or you are not trying enough.

I am trying to push myself everyday. Please just stop rushing me or pushing me. I am on a cliff and jumping is always an easier option

[whatsahin]

24/11/2021

it has bee quite a while since i cut, like 5 years??? i almost forgot how it felt. I have been trying so hard not to get back here

things i struggled with, the way i processes things. would any ever know? i am tired. i dun want o die but idw to live either it is painful and tiring

those pretty red lines are the only comforting pain i wabt

[whatsahin]

18/11/2021

hey kerwin, do u still think about me sometimes too? I do think about you often because as i figured, the more i try to fight it, the worst it gets. Recently, i managed to stop dreaming about you. I also finally listened to people that yeah maybe for me, this love for you won’t stop, i just grow myself to be a bigger person to accommodate more love for myself and other.  

Sometimes, i walk around my house and think yeah you used to be here too, we used to do this tgt and i hope one day i will slowly forget things. At the end, you would never be able to comprehend how much i have loved you. and it is really just how i love and i won’t do it again. 

I keep reading in a lot different places. In life, We will have three loves, the first love, the hard love and the true love. I so deperately want us to be the true love but we couldn’t. Without this pain, I would never grow and it hurts and it sucks. I keep asking why but there will be no answers. Maybe not yet. 

Many days, i tell myself you can do this Minh. Well yeah maybe i can but i am so tired. Why only pain will teach us things? why am i so incompetent to learn how to protect us?

I want to run away from here, want to go out there and prove to us both I can do it all by myself. With or without the person I have given my heart and soul to, I have to survive somehow. Even if it is tiring, even if i cry on my way back home, even if i sometimes run around chasing what we have, I will do it all with my head high.

and one day if i am really tired, i know i have tried my best for myself and everyone who has been in my life. You know me, i would rather choose an easy way out but i am not.

[whatsahin]

The idea of me

According to psychology science, everyone will have a different idea of me. I think everyone around me at least like their idea of me. This personification of me in their mind. For some, as a bubbly girl who laughs at anything and everything, for others, as a girl who have spiralled into her own darkness. Those idea of me might be me, might not be all of what there is to be me.

Sometimes i wonder why people are so shallow, this is not of all me, the strong and confident Minh, the capable and smart version that i put up, the girl who laugh all the times or try to make a joke every waking moment. And i realize i am shallow too. We all are. It all comes to down to embrace the idea of that person and whatever that is not on the surface once they let us in.

I am not strong. I am only standing on both of my feet because i know i am weak and everyday i embrace myself. Who would stay with me when i have these tendencies to self-destroy? Who would stay with me and my rage? 

I don’t need pity, i don’t need your anger. I want comfort. Comfort in times I struggle, in those mrt rides that i cry, in those hours i wail to myself. Assure me please. I am like this. I lost my ability to comfort myself but i never change. I am always weak and will spiral sometimes. You just never know. You cannot handle this responsibility you told me you cold. You got angry, blaming yourself then blaming me. And you left while i always wanted the best for you. Even if i didnt know how to get out of my own toxicity to give you. I always did and always do. 

I struggled so much after you left me. I lost me as my support and you as comfort. How can i not want to disappear? 

Lucky for u and me, vanity is my best trait.

[whatsahin]

The world is mine

It was not long ago before you came into my life that i was standing proudly by myself, walking with myself through this life, embracing myself and pressuring myself for the best. I know I was a people’s person, smb who people around me seeks out for warmth and comfort. I know you were one of them once, watching me as I did what I do best.  Then, you decided that you wanted to be part of my life, to walk with me in your life. We were so naive and so in love. It was so beautiful and tragic. I was cautious, I was scared to let you in but I am always me right. Always greedy and desperate. I jumped right in and gave you the power over me.  We gave me fear of losing you. I was so scared of losing you. You were so precious to me despite whatever bad things you felt we had been through. To me, it was momentary pain that i would never let it hold anything against. In my heart, you were my precious baby i wanted to protect. 

And, you felt burdened by all these, the fights, the devotion and my emotional struggle. You left and i am left here without any defence left in my system and without your support and comfort. How could i go on? 

I looked back and thought, wow i survived it, losing so much of me and you. and I would never want to this again. Love was nice and warm and I would never forget the time we were together, the good and bad. Somewhere in my heart, you would be my precious baby forever . But once is enough, from now on, I don’t want to share this world with anyone anymore.

[whatsahin]

For my parent

For my dad, who had been travelling the whole day to different cities to make money for his chilren then came back and carried me the whole night so i can sleep tighly, I failed, I am always so scared of pain and loss i lost myself.

For my mom, who faced death to give birth to me, who am i to willingly give myself up. 

This world is scary tho mom and dad

[whatsahin]

for my love kerwin

Minh🌟, [18 Oct 2021 at 12:00:06 AM]:

Ytd was hard but it got better i guess. Today is less hard and i am still trying. I am sad today. Accepting what happened and that u probably wont love me anymore. Yeah. Slowly right. 

These days i think about what happened. I cannot lie and say i nvr regret things. I chose to internalize them like what i did wrong, what i did right, your right and your wrong. I realize i was a kid in the relationship afterall u are my first serious adult rs. I thought i know so much but I didn’t. I talked to many people, adults who have experiences. Yeah i am really a kid, always want what i want, thought i behave well. Isit why u always called me baby. Next time kor teach me okay. I will tell u about my weakness my thinking, things i was scared to tell u because idk if u can process it. Self awareness is the only way for me sometimes. I am muddled by my emotions sometimes it is so painful. U were my light and i forgot i need to be my own light.

It is not like i think i am worthless or life is meaningless without u. But i know it will be so painful and in my mind, short term is always better than long term. And i was so comfortable with you, i didnt want to go through heartbreak without u by me. I am scared of pain. I am really. My mother said silly girl, u always rushed into things, gave everything. I said mommy i know, even then i still made mistake and made both of us suffer. It is so funny, i only realize certain things now and i have no choice but to regret that i cannot fix anything anymore. I am sorry. At the end of day, let’s both become better.

Lets start with the bad things i did:

1. My anger and expectations drove us both crazy. We are very nice people right but when it is the both of us, we always hold up our ego. Lets be fair i am way more egoistic. Ahhaahahhaha. Anyway, i shouldnt have so much expectations because i know u showed your love in your own way. I knew but i was still held back by my naive nature. At some point, i stop giving u the support u may need. 

Also i gave too many fucks about stupid and trivial things. The funny thing is i used to never care but when i am with you, i care so much. Maybe cuz i always want to prove to myself i have some position in your life. For this i feel like this is because u compartmentalize things, as a man, sometimes u are more distant or logic oriented and i feel lost. I shouldnt have. U loved me so much

I also realized it is normal in my family where everyone flares up. Sometimes i want to tell u i am sorry love, but i am used to it. It is a shitty excuse but now that i am self aware and i have written this all down. I will try working on it

2. I am never soft when i need to and i am too soft when it is nvr necessary. I dun say sorry or take actions when i need to and it hurts you. When i should stand my ground or have faith in myself, i kneeled and threw myself away and it hurts me. Idk why it is so hard to say sorry when i know i am wrong. Maybe because i am young and have this fantasy that u will be able to see my apology in my actions that u know i am very sorry. As it turns out, i am vulnerable infront of you and yet i want to be the best person infront of you. It is ironic because the best person should be accepting mistake and saying sorry but somehow apologizing was so difficult cuz i dun want to be bad in your eyes. Wow i am not the most logical person right. In my next time, i will try better hehehehehhe

3. I always think i am right. I forced u to listen to my explanation but i cannot understand yours. Actually we both dun communicate well because we hold different values and we dun realize it. The thing is this is what compromising should be - to know each other’s values and accept it but we are not even aware. It is a long process and we are not aware. I really believed we rushed in too fast. It is not that we wouldn’t work out, it is just we are not aware of so many things we are doing or surround us. But yeah i was a kid, i thought i was compromising, i am not. I telling myself just suck it up, not accepting it is okay. It is just you. U were both correct in our own ways. We have our reasons our upbringing our values. Am I entirely aware of this? Well not then but i am now. 

The other day i called my parents, i told them oh no i am very pampered and i always get what i want. I told them they loved me that is why they pampered me. Now i will go on and learn to be humble. Even if i am their precious daughter. I must also be a decent peeson

4. I am too passionate. Like 300% effort is not always the best things to do hahahahahah. I lost myself and my priorities and put burden on you. I really didn’t know ahahahahhah. For this point, erm idk what to say. It is my nature that i have always want to improve. Well i guess the next best thing i can do rather than toning myself down is to be ready to give more than receive and it is fine hehehehehe. I love each and everyone who stays by my side. Maybe they should also know sometikws there are things i wont do for them tho

5. I gave too many fucks about others and always have the worst it in my mind. Well i guess i have to say it is a bad trait i should start to focus on.

6. My inability and unwillingness to sort out the mess in my head. I cannot tell exactly why, maybe i was scared, maybe i want you to be still by me. Even if it was that sudden break up that traumatised but it was my responsibility to sort it out or ask you for help. I didn’t exactly ask you for help in the nicest way. It made u feel like i am threatening you. I am so sorry for all the pain and frustration u have gone through

Maybe i have more shortcomings and i can only see them as i grow more but i also know that i have done some right things and have tried the best as i know even if it is wrong. I have loved you, taken care of you and tried to solve our fights. Well it might not what u think is right but it is okay. I have to continue growing. I have forgotten myself. The one who didnt give many fucks. The one who just wanted to be happy. The one who accepted the meaningless and emptiness of this life, i just live on and be happy.

Sometimes u think i am feminist. Well maybe it is just my defence mechanism because there have been things tht i have been through since i am a kid. Maybe i have said once u have seen me as less but itvwas so long ago. I have nvr again thought u seen me as less of your equal. Dude i am literally self aware of my intelligence and appearance. Sometimes i complain because out there some people really did dismiss me before and it is very tiring to find a voice when i have experienced being silenced. Everyone even until now asked my dad if he is sad to have all daughters. Just want to let them know i may have accomplished more than some sons do

We both were really not ready. We rushed in too fast. We thought wow this love is so nice and warm. We dun know what is compromise, we dun know about our difference. We grown from our own experiences. We have been through a fair share of pain. We thought we know what we are capable of doing and giving in a relationship. Well i thought i knew. But we dun, compromising is never easy, we are firm in our believes and all. We forget things and it is fine. We should keep on going, writing it down and remember it because compromising is not changing yourself, it is both of us working to be a better person. I hoped we nvr agreed to compromise on bad things hahahahahah. I know u said your mom and your dad never fight well because their lives are established i guess. We both are finding ourselves a place in this life, coming from different backgrounds, different energy levels. I don’t know you kerwin. Just because u asked me to think about it, doesnt mean i can. We are different. And it is fine because like i said we are both fundamentally good people. There are no people in this world who will be the same as you like u and michael are still inherently different in certain way and unless u want to date another man. Not all women can compartmentalize and think always rationally in love. Ahahhaha okay but i am a kid so i have done very horribly. What i have learnt through reading and asking people, two people who complement each other, they work hard to compromise their values and have many levels of respects. I hope someday we will be able to that too. I know we can. Sometimes i am disrespecting your regards for me. Sometimes u disprecting my insecurities. It is fine. At the end of the day, self-awareness will be our guidance

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPtzpjC7TF4&ab_channel=TED-Ed

[whatsahin]

Throw back to happier days

Sometimes i wonder where it all went wrong -When i started wanting to die

Sometimes i also wonder if i have gotten better.

Is there a denial phase after somebody attempted suicide? Okay, i am googling it. The answer is yes i think. 

My psychiatrist didn’t really want to let me go home so early after my attempt. But i feel so bubbly, energized but also nothing at all. I thought I was done with suicide.

idk how to move forward

[whatsahin]

I used to believed in fairy tales, in the kindness of people or at least the kindness of people who called themselves my friends, my relatives, my parent’s friends. But i grew up, we lost people who we trusted to betrayal, we lost people we trust to pain caused by them. 

As i grow up, the anger simmers silently in me, threatening to spill at the seams and eating me from the insider. 

The world will continue to be a cruel place, i will continue to remember what you went through, what i went through, how it destroyed me, how it upset you. I cannot bring justice for us. 

I know you told me the biggest justice is to be happy in-spite of what happened. I will continue to struggle to comprehend this world and deal with it mommy,daddy. 

I am either too skeptical or I am too trusting. Never in-between. Never sensible enough. I made rules and set boundaries but those are just words in my brain not actions or emotions in my heart. 

[whatsahin]

Most of my thoughts come when i am doing nothing, playing some sudoku or three at 6 am in the morning. And I thought this must be fucked up. Idk what is but it messed me up

Like how my relatives betrayed my parents. They tried to stage a crime to frame my parents. Just thinking about how to face the same cousin whose parents forced my dad to pay a few tens of thousands dollars just to get her job. The aunt who asked my grandma to pretend my mother hit her and call the police. The grandmother who force my mother to sign a will.

And then there are people who were once close friends with them. Some god mothers i have ended up wolfing down what little is left of my parent company.

What should i tell mommy over the call? I am so sorry it happens. Lets live happily. Us our family.

I cannot handle the facts that people i once trust may betray me like that too mom. It is scary because i know i would open up and get hurt mom. There are things i know that is bigger than me. Forces at place that sometimes i wish i had that power. Things that keep me awake at night is my helplessness, hypocrisy and fear. Helplessness is my inability to do anything now, hypocrisy is my detachment and my fear of my own life. In my moment of weakness, I don’t dwell on what failure i have made but I fear most is the loss and betrayal from smb i trust.

I do not have greater purposes in life like what is told by everyone when i grow up. I am not exceptional. It used to make me depressed but it is okay now. I find happiness in just living a simple life but a good one. But i so much believe in relationship and good deeds. Just so sad for me to wake up and be impartial to people who hurt our family.

This might be stupid but while i am nothing special, you were. Both of you came from poverty and climbed up the social ladder. You worked every odd job that you found to support this family before we came to where we are. It troubled me the first time smb closed to us betrayed you guys.

[whatsahin]

for the month leading to my suicide, even for the years leading up to that, I had always wondered what it felt like to end it, what pushed people to do. It was always on my mind so I guess I just had to do it and decide for myself if I can live and be happy that I live. 

and I did and be stronger. see the world and pain in a different light.

life is really shit and there is no point in denying it. it is okay to be sad and one day you will find a way to deal with it and break through it to find happiness

[whatsahin]

I am weakhearted and it is okay

the thing is I get scared easily. be it the rollercoaster or just the feeling that something bad is gonna happen.

[whatsahin]

fragments of what was here

there are a few memories that I keep around swimming in my head to remind myself of the love I have been given and who I was and what I have become.

As time passed, I became fundamentally colder as a person like there are parts in me which have become numb to people. Yes things do still hurt me but yes I don’t care as much for others as I should be, especially people who deserves it the most. I think it is not about being cold-hearted. After all that I have been through, being alone away from my family and having to fend for myself, I have decided to be nonchalant and practical. It opens up a pandora box that is how I treat people around me. This is  a whole other topic though.

For the memories that I keep and that makes me a better human,

unfinished cuz my sis barged in and asked me to dye her hair hahahaha 

[whatsahin]

We all have hurt each other don’t we?

It makes me so upset

Maybe you didn’t do it on intention

Maybe you couldn’t be bothered to care for me

But here i am, staying by your side

It is so tiring when we are both at fault and i want to leave you behind but would it be so hard

I just want to be happy but it means cowardice

I just hope tho for a second you think i am like you too but maybe i am weaker. Thoughts plauge me at night and even if i act howver on the outside and try to be crazy with you, i have my demons

I yearn to let you go but there are so many things that bound us together

It is tiring to keep thinking if i was really the wrong one for doubting myself for attempting to erase my existence

I haves flaws and so do you but in this life where our flaws collide and the pieces fly around hurting us, i am holding you hand and wonder when enough is enough

I don’t love you anymore. Yes you were there once. Yes i was there too. But now i think it is best to leave each other unscathed by our ignorance and indifference that we are gonna inflict on each other

[whatsahin]

Lauv // Never Not

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Photo by Tatiana Gonzales on Unsplash

[whatsahin]

I am either depressed or extremely happy. UwU it is time to be vain.

Can see the tears piling up in my eyes. My sleep pattern is fucked i can only sleep at 8am in exhaustion. I think this is 7am. I sleep in the morning bathing in the sunrise and wake up in the sunset

[whatsahin]

27/1

Today is 27 January. One week after my attempted suicide on 22 January . I think it is a good time to reflect what happened. Two days or three days before (I cannot remember anymore haha), I had attempted to overdose once. I was out for dinner with XN when I saw it (pic of him and his ex being all lovely tgt). It hurt me. I am not exactly sure what happened but maybe it was more comforting to just pretend that we were both sad and affected by what happened (so that it feels like at least he likes me back). I was tired. I told XN it was okay to go back and leave me alone because I cannot bear her seeing me sad. So I drank by myself. I may have been thinking negatively for a while and yea I felt like I was ready to go. So I gathered all the panadols I could find, pop them all and ready to take it but smb called me . Anyway yea I stopped and called my parents and said sorry. I texted Kim and AA just because. So it was 22 January, maybe two days after my first overdosing attempt, I just went back from lunch with Aaron. I have agreed with K and JX that I should seek professional help. I went back home and told my sis I need help. Some where along the way, I got lost, mid convo and I thought to myself shit it seemed like everyone thinks I am not good at living (okay they all definitely dun mean like I am not good at living but not good at protecting myself but yea I was all suicidal). So I went to my room, trying to find more panadols, roughly 30 of them. I gave it one last try, I talked to pp. I didn’t help so 30 panadols down my stomach I shoved. I remember being chill as my brother in law drove me to nuh a&e. Today is 27 January. Exactly one week after my attempted suicide, I am on the way back to spend sometimes with my parents and sadly we are on a different flight (this trip is impromptu, it is hard to book). I had a mental breakdown before taking off. I was scared for reasons that I myself am not certain and aware of. It was just scary to board the plane alone. To be alone. Maybe it is the chemicals in my brain. Maybe like Doctor Chee (my psychiatrist when I was in the hospital) said the adrenaline from surviving a near death experience ( aka me trying to kill myself) is wearing off. I no longer feel nothing. I feel something now. The sadness is coming back Sometimes it must be a burden to know me (a being of suffering and sadness). Sometimes I wonder why I am so sad. It should be nothing. It is part of life. Why I am so weak. Why this keeps happening to me. May be it is really my fault. First, it was W. Yes we were attached to each other. Yes we are both goal oriented . But no maybe we aren’t meant to be. No he isn’t right for me. No he didn’t treat me well (he did but maybe I was not sure of myself). No we met at the totally wrong time. I am young and impatient. Blah blah…I think most of us know what happened next.we broke up cuz we were tired of miscommunication and misunderstand. I couldn’t stand the emotional rollercoaster that Wayne gave me everyday (later on he would tell me he purposely want to see my vulnerable because I am usually very dominant (srsly me??? I always listen to him. Okay maybe in a very disobedient way cuz I am a young punk hahah)). A few weeks later, I went for his vb ifg, he texted me afterward asking me where I was. We all know I am weak af so yea I ended up meeting him, telling him fuck I am gonna wait for u hahaha (Cb me right). Yea anyway he nor said anything promising back (his defence okay), we ended having sex and the right after he told me he dw a girlfriend. So sem 1 was spent waking up to tell myself I am okay, that I am not a slut. Yea I was sad a lotThen there is A who always try to get into that pretty head of yours. And yea dude, I understand that he won’t be successful cuz u dun even know what the fuck is going on half of the time. I know you were hurtAnd then there is M (ahhh the wound is still so fresh that it is hurting rn as I am writing this). Okay so this boy (not a man okay) hit on me hard (just trying to make it sound like I wasnt at fault for believing him and also responding yo).This is the boy who never stood up for me, for the boy who never protect me like he said, the boy who never respected me and accused me of having STD and HIV. The boy who came running back to his ex, the boy who left me hurting in the shadow. The boy who never took responsibilities for his actions. The boy that abandoned me and left me in shock. The boy that I chose to comfort after he told me he was scared of having HIV ( read he is scared he got HIV from me). Now big question, if you think I am rabzi and might carry diseases, why the fuck bother being with me? In the end, I am a horrible person. I am a slut. I am disgusting I don’t need to be strong now. I know u are lost and tired. But do remind yourself everyone loves you even if you have doubts. Remind yourself that parents are okay with you being sad. Don’t be afraid of reaching out to them (they will be even sadder if they have to watch their daughter drowning herself). Please also remember you will get better. Go see a psychologist, go find yourself.