whatsupbabah

[whatsupbabah]

Poem: Mommy Dearest

My jaw tightens

I clench my teeth in internal conflict

Grinding down

My soul feels maimed

Life is pain

Life is despair in balance with joy

Yet it’s rare to experience balance between the two

Both joy and pain are necessary

Duality is how the universe and consciousness survives

But those who experience more joy than pain are the more fortunate ones

They are gods favorites

I on the other hand

Find beauty in the pain

In the addiction

Don’t underestimate the allure of darkness

Even the purest of hearts are drawn to it

It’s thick blood leeks into your mouth until you are drowning and know nothing else but it’s endless pungence

It never takes a night of rest

Rest is the equalizer

And I don’t have that peace or slack

I was born with this pain

My dna drowning in 40 proof

Or it may have been accumulated by life’s endless fuckery and sexual trauma

Either way

I always blame myself

My livelihood has been compromised by my own hands

People don’t understand and are not willing to understand mental illness and addiction.

They alienate our core and experience

Fuck you for judging what you do not know

Those who are lost in addiction,

We are warriors

Titans

The ones who truly survive against all odds

We are our worst enemies

And yet we still survive within our own minds our patterns gladly working for the devil (as they wish us to believe)

Fuck you you privileged prick

I’m still alive

Although I’ve gambled my 9 lives

Accompanied by my demons

I’m in a battle with the only person I want to fucking beat, which is me

The bitter liquid drains down my throat and fills me with the unprecedented joy i long for, yet tears fall from my eyes, i smile as i swallow

I look in the mirror and see my mother

And my stomach curdles

A glossy expression fading over my eyes as I try and maintain my balance

I hate her

And what she did to my childhood

Yet when I look at her I see me and the bile in my stomach starts to gather

I hate u

Yet I am you

You threw me into walls and slapped me across my face for my childlike inconveniences

The physical I can heal from

But the emotional, left an imprint that you will never remember

When the sun rises your mind is wiped clean you never remember the damage

The guilt I feel to overcome generational addiction

Yet here I am following in your footsteps mommy dearest

I hate you because I understand you

I’m ashamed to sympathize with your addiction because I’ve spent my whole life resenting you for it

The self loathing seeps in

So I take a drink

Another

And another

and then the smile appears on my face as the tears fall

Who knew devastation and joy could could coexist so beautifully

I’ve spent my whole life trying to be the opposite of your character and demons yet

You are me

I am you

My hopes and dreams are just thoughts

Clouded by my unwillingness to change because I’m in love with my addiction

Just like you mommy dearest

I inherit the sin

And I become the monster I was born from

I wish I didn’t but I love you,

Mommy dearest

Because I understand you

But unlike you

I’m 7 days sober