whatthehell513 - Tumblr blog

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Old Mill. Wow!

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You deserve more than someone who only puts in *just* enough effort to keep you.

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“This is a thing many people outside your grief cannot understand: that you have not simply lost one person, at one point in time. You have lost their presence in every aspect of your life. Your future has changed as well as your “now”.”

— Megan Devine, refugeingrief.com (via survivingsiblingsuicide)

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Boundless, Cynthia Hand

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Sakura Guardian 📷 Comyu Matsuoka

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If you don’t have depression, you don’t what it’s like to wake up with depression. To awake from sleep only to instantly feel sad. Sometimes you don’t know why. Sometimes it’s a flood of thoughts that get to you. You just feel the world crumble around you and you’re left feeling this horrible, soul-shattering melancholy in your gut.

And as soon as you wake up this way, you know nothing is going to “cure” you. You know that, as the day goes on, more things are going to make you sad. Me? I’ll randomly think of lost friendships, I’ll begin to fear that nobody likes me, I’ll reminisce on heartbreak, on my dead friend… Anything to make me sadder. This isn’t conscious of course. I’d do anything to break the pattern. But depression - my depression - just sucks all the joy out of me and leaves me with nothing but upsetting thoughts.

And to live with this, days in a row? I can’t tell you how exhausting that is. To wake up unhappy, self-loathing and unsure day after day after day… It starts to hurt. You start to legitimately suffer. Life doesn’t seem “right” anymore. The “What’s the point?” feeling creep in.

I’ve woken up depressed for about two weeks now. Maybe longer. Some says I “cope” better than others. Some days - like today - I feel myself losing the battle. And it’s just fucking HARD. Friends ask “What can I do?” and you feel like a dickhead saying “Nothing”. But that’s the truth. Depression can’t be fixed with a joke. It may alleviate the pain for a moment but it’s still there. It sits heavy in your chest.

People suggest anti-depressants. Well, I’m on anti-depressants. And a lot of the time they work. But I get these pockets in time where the pills just fail. I topple deep into this somber period and nothing can break it.

It’s fucking horrible. To try to be happy and fail. To not laugh or smile all fucking day. To find everything saddening. It drives you down and that’s when it gets even worse. Because being depressed makes you even more depressed.

I, personally, put on a performance so others don’t see it. I don’t want to be the “sad fucker” everyone talks about. So I wear a mask. I crack jokes and smile. But I don’t FEEL any of it. I’m just…sad inside.

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I can’t stop laughing. 😂

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squirrel watching 

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© Sunday’s Featured Photographer Credit

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but lately, what i’ve been

crying about most is

myself

the person i used to be and lost

and the person in the present

with no clue about her future.

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Icelandic Highlands by Jonatan Pie

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Road trip to the North Cape. AndyTroy.nl Instagram Click here for more

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